Journal Entry: June 27, 2014

We are heading into the final weekend of my husband’s intensive outpatient therapy. It’s Friday night, and he is done Sunday at noon. I can see the finish line. At least the finish line for this little leg of the race we are on. Since leaving Beverly Hills and heading north to the gorgeous spa resort hotel, my goal has been to get to and stay in a happy place. The rental car has satellite radio. After scouring the channels in the middle of a busy LA freeway, I just finally stopped and settled in on a top 40 station. During the 90 minute drive, they played one particular song, three times! It is a song by Sam Smith called ‘Stay With Me.’ I had never heard this artist before. The first time I heard the song, I fell in love with Sam’s voice and the rhythm and the choir-like back up singers. The second time I heard it, I really listened to the words. By the third time, I was bawling, in the middle of a beautiful, sunny Southern California June day, tears were streaming down my face as I drove down the freeway. I felt this deep pain in the pit of my stomach. Sam’s song felt to me like the theme to addiction, sex addiction. Empty experiences, in this case casual, sexual one night stands, trying to fill a loneliness, and being left with only emptiness, and pain. It was difficult to shake the feeling that despite the work my husband is doing, this is going to be one long, fucked up, rocky, winding, pot hole filled road to recovery. It is painful to think about what we have been through, and even more painful to think about where we are going.

Once I arrived at the resort, I had sorta collected myself enough to converse with the bell staff and the front desk clerk in order to get to my room, which was in a beautiful stucco building with a view of the golf course and right next to the spa. I had pre-booked myself two glorious spa treatments for the afternoon and I figured if that doesn’t get me happy, I am probably a lost cause. My first treatment was a luxurious fresh lavender pedicure. I was the only guest in the pedicure room and it was blissfully quiet with the most amazing aromas wafting through. I have never sat in a more comfortable chair while receiving a pedicure. Their chairs are covered in soft cushions and fluffy blankets and they recline back to a comfortable napping position. The aesthetician went right to work, gently, softly and she didn’t solicit any conversation. For the first time ever, I fell asleep during a pedicure! The lavender they use for their oils is freshly picked right out of the spa courtyard garden. I chose a beautiful summer pink for my nails. Paradise!

I went back to the waiting room, helped myself to an herbal tea and raw almonds and sat to wait for my next treatment, the Orange Blossom and Honey Wrap. I was escorted into a dark, cool room, I disrobed and climbed on a massage table and was covered in a crisp white sheet. The wrap was amazing. They dry brush your skin before they cocoon you in warm, hydrating honey oil. The treatment includes a relaxing scalp massage. After a quick, warm shower, I was dried off and then massaged with glorious rich honey-orange blossom body butter. I didn’t want to leave that room, but I did. I donned my swimsuit and went out to the spa pool where I sat in the shade and ordered dinner.

By the time I got back to my room at dusk, I was truly in my happy place. I went to bed early and slept all the way through the night. What a novelty!

I know every day cannot be like this, but even having one day like this, gives me hope. I am at peace.