Journal Entry: June 26, 2014
I have been away from my husband for seven days now. He finally got his act together and started calling and/or texting at the agreed upon times, which has helped my anxiety. Sometimes I sleep through his morning texts and sometimes I am in my own therapy session during his noontime text or call, but it is really all about the act of following through on his promises, anyway. Not necessarily about actually speaking with him.
I am on my last day in Beverly Hills, and this morning I got a chance to have breakfast with my ex-sister in law. I will call her Aunt Amanda (when they were little, my kids adored Aunt Amanda). But really, I love her and respect her and just think of her as a sister. I hate the terms “ex” (and “step” too). Aunt Amanda is the first wife of my husband’s now deceased brother. They were divorced years ago and never had kids. Suffice it to say my in-laws played a role in their divorce, but I am not here to tell that story. After the divorce, it was too difficult for Aunt Amanda to stay in contact with us, for a lot of different reasons. We sadly let her go. Then, years later I found Aunt Amanda on Facebook and asked her if she was ready to have a relationship with us. By this time, Blue Eyes’ brother was on his third wife and Aunt Amanda had not seen The Crazy Family in years. So much time had passed. She said yes, she was ready. I was so happy. We emailed for years about The Crazy Family. Since she did not have to deal with them, she found their shenanigans intriguing, many times disgusting, but mostly entertaining, I think. I had emailed her a couple months ago telling her about Blue Eyes. She was so saddened, but having insight into the family dynamics gave her a better perspective, plus she is an intelligent and open-minded woman who cares about Blue Eyes and really has no connection to anything else in our lives. She turned out to be a very good person to share with, at least from my perspective. Breakfast was wonderful. We planned to meet up at her house for dinner. Her daughter is precious and I was really looking forward to a relaxing evening.
Then, I had a hellish session at the therapist’s office where we discussed my boundary list for my husband going forward, once he leaves the intensive. I had to traverse LA traffic for 45 minutes getting back to my hotel to change clothes. I think the drive is maybe 5 miles! Once I was finally at the hotel, I was feeling so nauseous and depressed and I lost all interest in socializing, and felt like I was coming down with the stomach flu. My mood went from bad to worse when Blue Eyes neglected to call on time. He claimed the reason he didn’t call on time is because he thought I would be busy with Aunt Amanda. I guess he will just never learn. Just keep the fucking promise, don’t try to figure out where I will be or what I will be doing, UGH! When he did call, I told him I wasn’t feeling well, and then I took a nap. I woke up three hours later, totally famished. I ordered room service, which not sit well in my stomach.
Now, here I sit in Beverly Hills at my favorite hotel in a big corner king room with two balconies and the doors are both open and the sheers are blowing in a soft breeze and the lights in the Hollywood hills are sparkling. The weather is perfect. I am slowly bringing my mood around, but no thanks to Blue Eyes.
Every day I send my husband my thoughts for the day. Depending on my mood, sometimes those thoughts are sweet, loving, and encouraging, and sometimes they are not. The past couple of days have not been so loving. Yesterday’s email was all about thinking before he speaks. Thinking about what he is saying… is it kind, is it helpful, is it the TRUTH?!?!
Here is today’s thoughtful email to my husband, that I wrote after his late phone call and before my much needed nap, verbatim (basically left over baggage from my session today):
1) I want a genuine partner who does not look at other women and especially one who does not look at other women as objects. I want a husband who does not fantasize about other women and who is not drawn in to an addictive spiral every time he sees a pornographic or seductive image.
2) I want a genuine partner who loves and respects me as much as I love and respect him. I want a genuine partner who holds me, my sexuality, and the sanctity of our marriage as sacred as I do.
3) I don’t want to live in fear of relapses. I don’t want to live in an isolated place inside me that feels vacant. If you would just stop lying, and keep your promises, I would feel much more safe.
4) I don’t want to be the one who always speaks first, and last, and longest. Please just talk with me. Have real conversations. SPEAK!
5) Over the past few days, I have been thinking about the times I have been lonely, angry, or sad. Most of those feelings were brought on by you. You have literally made all the women you have slept with angry, lonely, and sad. Your sexuality has perpetrated destruction at every turn. I am the sickest of all the women because my expectations were the greatest. It’s not about the sex. It is about the perpetration. I do not care about the other women, I do not mourn for them, but it breaks my heart that there are others and that I am part of a group of women you have abused. You need to stop, forever!
6) I have recently come to terms with the fact that your covert relationships, of all kinds, have been hurting me all along. I fear that deep inside that I knew that I did not truly know you. That you always fed off of secrets and lies. Some empty place inside me allowed your behavior to continue. At times I think I actually stopped caring. You do not want me to stop caring. The only way you can prevent my indifference is by stepping up. It’s now or never.
I do not expect you to answer this email or even comment. I do expect you to, if you want a relationship with me, just start doing the right thing. Believe me, I will notice. It will be glaringly obvious when you have truly changed.
I really hope he doesn’t actually comment on the email. I really hope he just starts changing.