Journal Entry: September 19, 2014
Last year my menstrual cycle started going all wacky. I missed periods then had a cycle twice one month. I’m pretty sure I’m heading into (or hopefully out of) menopause. I was also getting increased irritation and infections from the condoms we use. It seems we have tried them all, and they all irritate me. I have sensitive skin, etc… My husband and I have used condoms since I was in my early 20’s. Birth control pills made me sick to my stomach. I tried them a couple different times in the 80’s and the second time I lost 20 pounds from being sick to my stomach all day. The only reason I stayed on them at all was because we were living in Japan and I had brought with me a year’s supply. Figuring out birth control options in a foreign country didn’t seem too appealing. Now, I’m all for a quick weight loss program, but not one that makes me sick all day. When I left Japan, I left my husband (then fiancé) there, so no need for birth control for a while. I went off the pill and immediately felt better.
Late last year I decided to discuss the birth control situation with my doctor. We talked briefly about options. She suggested I wait and see if indeed I was going through menopause and maybe the whole thing would take care of itself. In the meantime, I was just really ready to be done with the condoms. They have also always been a problem. We actually have a 23-year-old son that can, honestly, be attributed to a broken condom. Really, the only time I was happy that we had been using condoms all these years was when I found out about my husband’s infidelity and the fact that he has had unprotected sex dozens of times with his eight year affair partner. Nope, I do not understand why people do not use condoms while having affairs with people they don’t actually really know all that well. I guess once you are doing one stupid thing you figure, hell, why not do a bunch of stupid stuff???
After dday, and after the STD tests came back clean, I decided I would try birth control pills for the first time in 24 years. My husband claimed that using the condoms all those years had never bothered him, which I believe, but I also know that having sex without condoms was also quite appealing since he was willing to put his life on the line for unprotected sex. Anyway, my doctor prescribed me Progestin-only pills. I have been on them for seven months and it has been a weird ride. They do not cause me any side effects, but my periods are wildly unpredictable. I don’t know if this is due to the pill, or the menopause, or the trauma. I do know that I have gone a couple months here and there without a period and have spent some money on pregnancy tests. I am not going to do that anymore since they always, and thankfully, come back negative. If I don’t finish going through menopause soon, I am going to suggest a vasectomy for my husband. The last thing I want to do is go back to condoms. Well, actually, the very last thing I want is another child. So we do still need to be careful.
Anyway… back to the reason for this entry. As mentioned previously, over the past eight months, I have grilled my husband relentlessly about his 15 years of cheating. So many questions have been asked, and for the most part, answered. I asked him if he used condoms with the first two acting out partners. He answered with an emphatic, “yes.” They were of child bearing age. With the third, he admitted that she pretty easily talked him into abandoning the condoms. I am sure she thought she had something pretty good going on there as, no doubt, he told her that he had to use condoms with me. So, during one of my interrogations, I asked him what she used for lube. How she cleaned up after herself. I mean, he was ejaculating into her… all the time, apparently, especially when they were on trips, “doing it” at least a couple times a day/night. That’s a lot of sperm and lube and stuff. Where did it come from, and where did it go? I asked him these questions as I stuffed towels into my night table for use after sex. A new way of life for me now. I mean, for years, all we needed were a couple tissues. Condoms are easy that way, no muss no fuss. I asked him, point blank… she’s an older lady who has gone through menopause, supposedly. For most women, things start drying up. They would have sexual intercourse within minutes of him arriving at her house, or of arriving at the hotel room together. How did she prepare? What did she do to get ready? Did she leave after sex to clean up in the bathroom? Where did the cum go? For the most part, I was curious. This is new to me, this dripping and leaking and making a mess. There is no need for lube with the condoms. Suddenly, we’re not buying expensive condoms, but we are buying expensive lube. I am also very sensitive to lubricants, apparently. Ugh. I asked what kind of lube she used and if he had liked it. Did it have a scent? Did she ever get infections? Did she have a unique odor. I mean, I can pepper a guy with questions like nobody else.
Well, you want to know his answers to ALL of my questions… He doesn’t have any idea. He never purchased lube. He never noticed any scents or odors. He never had anything to do with preparation. She arrived to the scene (of the crime, in my mind) completely ready to go. There was never a problem “getting it in.” He never noticed when or whether she cleaned herself up. He never noticed her going into the bathroom. He said he just wiped himself off with his underwear and went to sleep, if they were traveling. Or if it was at her house, he cleaned himself (for obvious reasons).
So, I have deduced that the best fucking thing about my husband’s eight year affair partner: SHE HAS A FUCKING SELF LUBRICATING, SELF CLEANING VAGINA.
I fucking want one of those!
try not to cry on my rainbow 
You believe your husband when he says he has no clue in response to all the questions you ask ?
My husband too told me he didn’t know anything about the OW and I too thought for quite a while that he used her only for sex.Till one day in some unrelated conversation he revealed he knew a lot about taking care of a child with a rare disease ..in terms of day to day care..break through lines of treatment etc etc.After constant questioning he revealed thT the OW’s child had this ailment and he was very much involved in caring for the child.Yes , I can let myself believe that it was all a ploy to keep her hooked to feed his addiction , which may very will be the case.But then I can also say that his love for me is also a ploy to keep me in the marriage.
The addict does not want to tell you anything which you will nor be able to find out by other means.There is no way you will know what he or she did after they made love.Ergo, safe to say he doesn’t know because he didn’t notice.Let’s him off the hook, you ar happy , no revelation of any information you can beat him up with later.
Tell him younger going to meet up with the OW and ask her all this stuff.You don’t have to do it , just tell him you are going to do it and then see how he sings.
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Dear Q, my husband has answered hundreds of my questions and I have asked numerous questions numerous different ways and numerous different times. I have written a few posts about this. I am specifically speaking about the sex act here, which she took complete care of, it was the only thing she had. My husband knows a lot about the OW (he saw her intermittently for eight years) and he has told me a lot about her, and she knows a lot about my life and my kids, and a lot of lies he told her so she would believe there might be something more substantial between them some day. He did that so she would be available for secret sex when he wanted it. The OW is not married and does not have children. Her parents and her sister are dead. She has one living sister that she doesn’t get along with. She was married briefly to an alcoholic years ago. That’s it. She is a lonely older woman who couldn’t wait for my husband to call her for secret sex. He even took her on business trips with him where she was mostly on her own sightseeing and stuff and then his unpaid whore at night. This was not a romance, I assure you. The first time I actually saw her, in person, you could have knocked me over with a feather. When my husband said no one would ever believe they were together, he wasn’t kidding. I am still astounded that he had sex with this woman.
Also, there is no point threatening my husband that I will meet with the other woman. We have already called the police. She stalks me obsessively. Again, I have written about this, so it is all on my blog. We are actually both afraid of her as no doubt she has a mental illness. My husband finally woke up for good last year and realized our lives could be in danger. The last thing I would do at this point is meet with this woman, or even insinuate that I would. At this point, I have more than enough information about this woman and what my husband did with her, said to her, etc… No doubt she believes he is in love with her. Sex addicts will do and say anything for the power and control and the secret life. I am thankful he is in recovery, and I hope he stays in recovery.
Also, I am anything but happy about all the shit my husband did to feed his addiction. Nothing he has ever said has appeased me or made any sense at all. I still struggle every day with understanding how he did the things he did. He is a successful CEO driving around in a Mercedes, going over to the wrong side of the tracks to have a quickie with a woman he wouldn’t be caught dead with in his real life. No, none of it makes sense. But, I assure you, he has already sung all he is going to, because I don’t want to hear it anymore. Also, just because your husband helped take care of her child does not mean he wasn’t just using her for sex. They will do anything to keep the secret sex going, doesn’t mean he loves her or her child. Just saying. So sorry for your pain, I know it all too well.
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Maybe it’s the chemical of those stuff, that gives irritations!
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A self-cleaning vagina? LOL, I laughed so hard! SWxo
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Hahaha! Ewww. But, yeah. I also never was happy on the pill. I have PCOS and have rarely menstruated throughout my life. 16 year old daughter – broken condom and morning after pill combo! I have used a Mirena ever since amd am on my third. I also asked those questions. I am used to “mess.” But he says she was dry and didn’t taste as good as me? I have never needed lube, and the sex therapist we saw explained that natural lubrication, or lack of, has little to do with emotional desire but is more a physical thing. I found it odd that their oh-so-sexy affair didn’t mean she was wet. Not ever. I always am when required. I guess we’re all wired very differently.
Thanks for sharing this, Kat. Gross but real. I think we’ve all asked those questions – even those who haven’t done so out loud. (And I had a good laugh!)
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Ha, sorry. I know I am not usually so graphic. I also don’t plan on making my blog into an erotic harlequin romance novel either 🙂 . Just me, just real life. I actually get naturally pretty wet, but my husband is always so concerned that he not hurt me in any way. The condoms always took care of that. Now, he has found this lube that he particularly likes and he loves having it as part of his ritual. As long as things aren’t too wet, I am good with it. I am sure the AP was naturally wet and used lube. It just wasn’t a real affair for him, just sex and he never paid any attention to her in any way, or what she did to prepare, or otherwise. Honestly, she has got to be pretty messed up in the head. I have asked my husband what her favorite color was, her favorite food, favorite type of music. I believe him when he says he has no idea. He knows absolutely nothing about her except when she was available for sex. I know I really shouldn’t get mad at her, but I don’t want to feel sorry for her either. She was taking something that didn’t belong to her and that is never right. I believe she planned out their sexual encounters very carefully…. it’s all she had. Also, she never should have had unprotected sex with HIM. So stupid.
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