The blog of me

macaron tea cup

Photo: my favorite tea cup from my collection, and my favorite macarons from my favorite local bakery. Disclaimer: this photo was not taken recently. I am not sitting here eating a pile of french macarons. 🙂

I guess I am in some kind of hella writing mood today, this week, this month?

Blue Eyes and I have had a really strange week and it started with watching a crazy movie called ‘Welcome to Me’ starring Kristen Wiig. Blue Eyes picked it. The character has borderline personality disorder. I have been dealing with my sister and her BPD for 45 years, so no biggie for me. We liked the movie, for what it was, a bizarre “comedy” about a woman with a mental illness. Kristen Wiig did a great job, but Blue Eyes was triggered numerous times by some of the character’s behavior. It reminded him of the moods of his last acting out partner. I kept asking him what the name of the movie was, I just couldn’t remember it… ‘Welcome to Me.’ In one scene, Wiig’s character severely burns herself because of her own negligent behavior and is hospitalized. She seems surprised at how the burn even happened.

Fast forward a couple days. I am lying belly down on our bed, blogging. I have been having some issues with my upper left side, a pinching and painful feeling in my upper left back, then pain in my upper left arm, especially when I try to lift it up above my shoulder, and a little bit of numbness in my left hand fingers. I looked the symptoms up on the internet and it might be bursitis? My mom suffers from bursitis, who knows. Anyway, I am right handed, so it is not so bad during the day, but as the day wears on, it gets a little worse and I am often looking for positions to relax in that don’t hurt. So, again I was on our bed relaxing and Blue Eyes brought me a teapot of herbal tea, still brewing, and a coffee mug. Very sweet, I know. He put the pot and the mug down on the bed next to me to the left of my laptop and then he came over to my left side to give me a kiss… as this was all occurring, it feels like almost in slow motion at this point, I am thinking that is a very precarious place to put that hot tea pot, because, you know the bed is not a hard surface, and I need to move it. As he leans in for the kiss I am careful not to move the bed too much, I kiss him back, and then he plants his left hand firmly on the bed (going in for another kiss), tipping over the scalding hot water onto his hand and forearm and lets out the biggest yelp I have heard from him yet. Well, yeah, he has just fucking burned his arm. Then things went into fast motion and instead of wiping off the hot water, he runs around yelling “what should I do, what should I do, should I run it under cold water?” I say, “yeah, I think that would be a good idea.” I didn’t realize he hadn’t actually wiped off the hot water and I’m pretty sure this exacerbated the problem, although by this time, no doubt it had cooled down. In the back of my mind I kept thinking, geez I knew that was a precarious place for that tea pot, why didn’t I just do the sensible thing and move it immediately. But then I also kept thinking, who sets a tea pot down in a precarious place, and then proceeds to do something that will most certainly cause it to spill all over on you? Blue Eyes runs to the bathroom and we both start googling scalding burns on our iPhones. He runs cool water over his arm for about 15 minutes. Being pretty much the sole cook in our household for 30 years, I have burned myself numerous times… on scalding hot water, on the oven, on a hot burner, etc… I know it is incredibly painful and Blue Eyes’ burn is over his entire left hand and about half way of the upper side of his forearm. I have never burned that much of my body at once. After soaking in the cool water, he takes some Ibuprofen, and elevates it. By this time it is maybe 11:30 at night and I am exhausted and ready for sleep. Blue Eyes is in too much pain, so he wants to watch some episodes of ‘Silicon Valley’ on HBO. We both find this program to be quite hilarious, so I agree even though I really want to go to sleep. Then the whimpering starts. Blue Eyes’ is literally whining like our mini aussie when he wants to go for a walk, or a small child in pain. He keeps trying to google more solutions. Unfortunately, burns hurt, that is why we should all try to avoid them. After THREE episodes of the television show, I cannot keep my eyes open. I tell him he can keep watching, but I must go to bed. He agrees, it’s time for bed. Somehow he manages to sleep. The next morning I can see a very large blister forming on his arm and smaller blisters on his arm and hand. I suggest he call the dermatologist. He has second degree burns. He is not in any pain, but still completely obsessed with his burned arm. I put some antibiotic ointment on it and cover it in plastic wrap (to hopefully protect the blister) and he is scheduled at 4pm at the doctor. In my mind I keep thinking how would he handle this if he was alone. I know he could handle it. I guess it is nice to have a companion that reminds you to call the doctor and wraps up your arm for you. The doctor gave him some cream to apply and some soft gauze to cover it with. It’s a burn. At one point Blue Eyes did say, “I am so stupid, I shouldn’t have put the tea there. I shouldn’t have rested my hand on the bed.” My response was yeah, but what’s done is done, you need to be more aware and not do it again. It hurts. Thanks, Mommy.

Last night I was listening to a Jim Carrey commencement speech on my phone. So weird I have mentioned Jim Carrey twice in one week on my blog, so incredibly strange. The speech was linked on my Facebook feed. He presented it in May of 2014. I think it is a pretty inspiring speech and the students were lucky to get such an entertaining speaker to listen to at their graduation, and I gleaned a number of good nuggets from the speech (no more linking videos for me for a while, I don’t want to open that can of worms again, and I am not advocating for anything Jim Carrey may have said or done in the past. I’m just talking about this commencement speech). At one point he is talking about his father, the inspiration his father was for him and he says, “I watched the affect my father’s love and humor had on the world around me, and I thought, that’s something to do, that’s something worth my time.” A few lines later he says, “How will you serve the world? What do they need that your talent can provide? That’s all you have to figure out.” Somehow, those words ended up being a trigger for me. As I sat on the bed next to Blue Eyes as he was playfully having our dogs do “tricks” and giving them treats, I thought, where is the man I thought I knew? Where is the man who provided laughter and entertainment to lots of people just merely with his quirky personality. Where is the man that I thought would do no harm. Where IS that man I thought I knew. And then, I thought, how many times have I sat next to him in moments like this and instead of actually being present with me, he was thinking about his addiction, or plotting ways to feed his addiction, how many thousands of lies had he told, and the pain seized me up. There is no answer to my dilemma. That man, that I thought I knew, does not exist, and yet he does. I never know when something is going to trigger me, but I need to deal with all the triggers. Blue Eyes was unable to help me. My night was fairly ruined (not Jim Carrey’s fault). But today is a new day.

I know I share a lot of personal stuff on my blog and so far Blue Eyes has not complained. It’s personal, but again, talking it out helps me. Blue Eyes sent me this from work in an email this morning (along with a bunch of other sweet texts and messages):

I want to control things. I want it to go away. I want to make you feel better to make me feel good.
Always question my motives, where are my words and thinking coming from?
I can change, I can change, I can change.
I cannot control, I cannot control, I cannot control
I can acknowledge and take responsibility.
I can just listen, I can just listen
Do the work, Do the work
Can I step into your shoes
Can I step into your shoes
Reality has changed,
Can we rebuild YES
Do I want to YES
Some days are tough
no control the new reality I have created
Sorry doesn’t do it
Just listen, Just change
Don’t crumble in
Create a cookie that we can share
that Kat gets first bite
a glass of milk too

This was my response:

Yum. I want a cookie now.
I don’t want you to step into my shoes.
I want you to live squarely in the shoes you created for yourself, accept those shoes for everything they represent. Really look at those shoes. Don’t pretend like they aren’t soiled and worn. You do not get to have new shoes, you only get to repair the shoes you have. Those shoes need to take you into the future, and beyond.
I want a glass of milk too.

And we just keep trying to talk it out, because we need to to feel connected in this recovery journey. And also, I have a wicked sweet tooth, and he knows it. Bringing the cookie into the equation really helped. Just kidding.

Since Blue Eyes burned himself, the rest of the week has been difficult and Blue Eyes has been a bit ungrounded, reminding me of the movie ‘Welcome to Me.’ Blue Eyes has called his addiction the “disease of me.” Everything was about him. Everything was about filling his own needs, whether he was hurting himself or others in the process. Even now, he protects himself very nicely behind his little Blue Eyes’ suit of armor. Most of his behavior in the past, although completely focused on himself, was hurting him. Now, hopefully, he can still focus on himself, but instead of focusing on his “disease of me,” he can focus on his “recovery of me.”

So I have titled this post ‘The blog of me’ because that is what this blog is about. That is all it was ever meant to be. Me talking it out. Me having an outlet. I get a lot of free encouragement and advice. Sometimes I am judged. That is the risk of having a non-private blog. Obviously I can delete comments on my own blog, but I never do. The damage is done once I read them anyway. But do know, I am not made of steel. Sometimes the actions of others irritate me, and sometimes they hurt.

I march on!

16 thoughts on “The blog of me

  1. Your writing has become less angry in nature. I think expressing your feelings has been a great outlet for you. For those who judge harshly, a sense of understanding is likely missing. It sounds as if most things are moving in a direction the two of you are happier with. That is what counts. Wishing you continued success in this developing relationship..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Such fine words Kat. TRAUMA HANGS ON LIKE A BITCH !!!!!!
    I think that no matter how sane the OW seem they are not. They have to be delusional or broken or twisted or something that is not sane to do what they do. H’s women did not act too crazy but there was one comment from Betty that still makes me angry. She told H that she did not want to share him with me. Seriously!!!!!! How dare she? I have had some interaction with her and of course read the messages and emails between them and come to the realisation that she is just not that smart or clever. Also she said to me that she would consider having him back in her life but he would have some explaining to do to her (because while he was with her he was with other women. ) Bhahahahahaha.
    Infidelity sucks.
    Macaroons on the other hand don’t!!!!! Hugs xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I love french macarons, not so much the coconut kind 🙂 . What these women do and believe is flabbergasting to me. Seriously. You are sleeping with someone else’s husband and you want exclusivity. BE’s other woman got mad if he went on vacation with us (which she saw on my personal blog). This is a man who had been married for two decades and had two children and a wife and a home and a business and he saw her a couple times a year and she has the audacity to try and dictate what he does with the other 98% of his time when she is downright stealing that measly 2% she is getting. It just makes no sense. Infidelity definitely sucks. Get a grip people!

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  3. I don’t know if you realize it but you are both making strides. He’s changing a lifetime of dysfunctional behavior and you are healing from an unimaginable trauma. But you are both still there, talking, learning and trying. I’m glad you’re seeing that his affairs were about him, not you. Figuring that out helped me heal. It wasn’t about me not being enough, it was about him not being enough. The ow wasn’t prettier, sexier, smarter, etc. That helped too lol. You are strong n brave. Thank you for sharing YOUR story 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks emma. It’s weird sort of putting ourselves out here on a blog even if it is mostly anonymous. He IS changing a lifetime of behavior and that is extremely challenging, to look that deep inside when what is in there was pretty sick. He’s doing it though. And yeah, definitely not about the OW, but it still sucks. She got something that belonged to me and the only reason she did is because they were both sick and needed help. 😦 . I will not be destroyed by other people’s choices, but it sucks! And to be perfectly honest, and I have said this a few times on here, if that ow hadn’t called me, Blue Eyes would not be in recovery. It is what it is. We are all a work in progress.

      Liked by 2 people

        • This is very messy business and people can be cruel. Did she call your parent’s house? I am so sorry about your mom, and so much devastating news all at once. That was an interesting time for your husband to end it. It would be hard for me to know at this point whether my husband would have gone to his AP for medicating, or ended it out of guilt. Who knows really. None of it makes sense on many days. Honestly, the sensible pragmatic part of me wants to just be over all this, but the trauma hangs on like a bitch. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel…

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            • Well she sounds swell. The woman that called me never said anything about what my husband said to her, it was much creepier than that. I really think she wanted to be sister wives, out of desperation. The whole thing is bizarre. My husband did tell her he loved her, but he did not tell her he was leaving me (thus I think the sister wife back up plan). And I am not actually making that up because at one point she asked my husband if she could move in with us and we could share him? I asked him if he had told her that I knew about them and he swears he did not and he has divulged so many things it would be crazy to lie about that, but he lied about everything so I wouldn’t put it past him. But she did lead with the whole….. hi Kat, you know it’s me… Blue Eyes told me you knew all about us and were okay with it. What a strange lead in… not your husband has told me he loved me numerous times and that you are an unloving woman who doesn’t have sex with him so…. Pretty sure she knew that was BS, so she made something else up in her mind. The situation is sad, but she still intrigues me. She is a lot like my BPD sister. Anyway, so many things hurt, but the lies he told her about me, out loud, blow my mind. Seriously my partner of 30 years said that??? Men will say anything. Blah. Yeah, thank goodness she is not my problem. I already have a borderline sister (but not sister wife, ha). And yeah, she really should feel lucky Blue Eyes is not her problem at this point. LOL!

              Liked by 2 people

          • It’s totally bizarre cause his own Mom said out of her 3 sons, he was by far the least likely. I kind of abandoned him for very good reasons n there was this woman telling him how wonderful he was blah blah blah. The perfect storm lol. But I never hated her. She was in an abusive marriage n after a few attempts at contact she actually got divorced n moved away. It was her 3rd affair.

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            • The trauma counseling was crucial to where I am… scary to think where I would be if I didn’t get it, since I am messed up enough, lol. I wish all betrayed spouses could get the therapy as it really does help with the early on self esteem and self worth issues and the ability to walk away if necessary. It sounds like you were pretty open and honest about your feelings. Marriage is a bitch. It takes a lot of work and compromise. We do the best we can with what we have at the moment. I honestly just wish my husband’s ow had been saner so I could have had some closure, but that is a pipe dream in most cases. She is a lonely older woman. And obviously since she is a stalker, she has some serious mental issues. When my husband’s therapist said we need to eliminate those people from our lives (he was talking about people with mental illnesses that aren’t good for us), I was sick and started bawling. My sister has done some not so nice things, and cheated with a lot of married men, and I love that girl. We have baggage. Acknowledging and getting help is the battle. Nice talking with you. Peace!

              Liked by 3 people

              • Yes absolutely! I have always had good self-esteem and self-worth but his affair obliterated that for about 6 months. U aren’t messed up silly, life is. Yes she would just tell u more lies. That was a huge thing too. I knew something was wrong n he actually made me think I was nuts! Now that NEVER happens cause he knows how much that traumatized. And actually if he ever rolled his eyes at me again, well it wouldn’t be pretty lol.

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