26 years

wedding

As of about 8:00pm tonight (U.S.-West Coast time), we will have accomplished 26 years of marriage. We were together for nearly five years prior to getting married, so that is a long time to put your faith and trust into one person. You would think the longer a couple is together, the easier marriage would be. That is where I thought we were, the empty nest, we’ve finally settled into adulthood, we no longer fret over the bills or count the minutes until our paycheck is deposited into the checking account. We’re heading towards those golden years, the kind and gentle place in our relationship, where we wouldn’t think of hurting each other. Nope. Joke was definitely on me. At this point, many days with Blue Eyes feel like torture and I wonder why I continue to put myself through it. Last year, six months post d-day, I think I was still numb, still partially in shock. I had that bizarre and seemingly random one year number stuck in my head. My husband has lied to me and betrayed me and been diagnosed as a sex addict, and it has been suggested I give him one year to show me he wants to and can change. That one year has come and gone and I am no longer in shock. I am no longer numb. My reality is laid out in front of me. Things don’t feel right.

I had tucked into the back of my mind the thought that we would renew our vows last year. Then d-day opened my eyes to just how ill prepared Blue Eyes was to be making any promises to anyone. He had broken every single vow he had made to me 25 years before. In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, we experienced all of those, and he was off feeding his addiction, it didn’t matter whether I was sick or healthy, he continued the charade. Left me to handle a scary medical procedure while he fed his addiction. Did he promise to love and cherish me? Till death do us part? His actions seemed to defy his ability to keep those promises. He lied, he cheated, he betrayed, he coveted the hell out of a shitload of women. I converted to Judaism one month before we married. We were married in a Jewish wedding. The Jewish vows don’t exactly go like that, but they are similar… promising to cherish and protect, whether in good fortune or in adversity… it doesn’t really matter what the words are, he disregarded them all. I wonder if he ever even thought about them. I mean I know he didn’t think about them when he was sexting the OW. I know he didn’t think about them when he was traveling the world with his sex partner. It concerns me a great deal how easily he disregarded things that were so important to me. All that mattered to me was that he be kind to me and treat me with respect and honesty and integrity. It was too much to ask.

I wish I could say that because Blue Eyes has carved out a path of recovery that everything is okay now, a year and half out from d-day. It’s not. I still have bad days. I know this is going to take a very long time. By this, I mean his recovery. I mean my recovery. I mean being able to really trust him again. I hope I will be able to fully trust him again. When I think about trusting him, or he wishes I could trust him, I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. Why would I ever trust him again. He took my trusting nature, and he stomped on it. He destroyed it, over and over. He laughed in the face of my needs. He still recedes into the safety of his own mind versus staying present with me when I need him to. Because it is easier that way. Easier to ignore reality. Reality is too fucking difficult.

I long to be able to let all this go. To have a day where I don’t think about what he has done, and who he really is. I have faith that day will arrive, otherwise, what is all this for?

At one point, Blue Eyes’ mother, in a fury, sent a bunch of baby pictures of Blue Eyes to him to prove he was a happy boy, that she was a good mother (no one has actually ever said to her face that she is a bad mother, she just has a guilty conscience for some reason {sarcasm}). She knows nothing of his addiction or anything that has happened, by the way… she just did this kind of shit when she felt like Blue Eyes was somehow disrespecting her or not validating her, she would throw a temper tantrum, yell hysterically at him over the phone, and send baby pictures of him to our house. I love it when she does this. She always eventually asks for the pictures back, but I never send them. Blue Eyes hasn’t been in contact with his parents since about a month post d-day. I guess the only reason I would like back in their house is to actually get ALL his baby pictures. Not sure that will ever happen.

So one of the pictures she sent was the one below, left. That is Blue Eyes at about 15 months. I know most people have baby pictures of themselves in high chairs, but I love that we have these two pictures of us at the same age. The picture on the right is me, at 15 months. I love that we’re both wearing red.

We are both still those vulnerable human beings. We need to treat each other with kindness and loving and nurturing and respect, but we also need to realize that we are full grown adults now and with that brings a responsibility to not cause pain to the people we have promised to love. Well, to not cause pain to anyone, but especially those we love. I hate being at odds with the person I promised to cherish for the rest of my life. I hate the fact that he has put me in this position.

babies

22 thoughts on “26 years

  1. As you know, your reality is my reality, oh cosmic sister of mine.

    Your words say what I am feeling too, having passed a milestone with The Player but missing my theme word for where I am right now and the is Resigned. So sad about it.

    Hang in there my friend and just do the next right thing as my sponsor says all the time to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like a lovely trip. One day I would love to talk to you in person; though we certainly have differences, we have so much in common too.

    I know the traumas of the past will always be a part of us, be a piece of the fabric of our lives. On this anniversary, while acknowledging and facing the pain together with BE, I wish you and BE increasing peace, growth, healing and contentment as your journey progresses.

    Le’khayeem Me’usharim

    TL xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, TL for your words and your wishes. Our anniversary was a particularly difficult day to celebrate. I am still trying to get to that place where I am looking forward to the future again… as the reality of the past and the trauma of the present make living life quite daunting at times. Likewise, I would love to talk with you in person as well. ❤

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  3. –Hello,
    I can’t even imagine how he will earn back that trust.
    one day at a time, I suppose.
    Perhaps, one minute at a time…
    This sounds like a book, a movie, something more.
    I hope you are journaling everything.

    Love from MN.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Inner Chick. Thanks for commenting! Earning back the trust will be difficult. More difficult will be his living in the real world with the rest of us and not in the sick, messed up secret sex world inside his head that he has been nurturing for the past four decades. Journaling is helping me heal. Thanks for the love, <3.

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    • We like that train ride a lot. Being in Portland, with more than half my family up in the Gig Harbor, WA area, we have taken the train dozens of times over the years. The boys loved it. Even now, the SEA station is right next to the stadiums. Perfect! The ferry ride over to Victoria gets a little dicey. We are happy to be relaxing today and not moving on land or sea. Thanks for your kind wishes!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sounds like a lovely trip, I wish that you were celebrating it whole heartedly. The fact that you’re still with blue eyes, in your marriage, doing the work – maybe that’s the celebration. Please share some photos!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. In 5 days will be my 19 year wedding anniversary. The second since d-day, although on last years anniversary, I only knew about one EA going on for 3 months prior. I had no knowledge of the 18 years of betrayal with many, many women. I dread this year, I will be planning nothing. If he wants to ‘celebrate’ his ‘second’ chance with me, he will have to plan it, of which I will be a cautioned participant. Your first four paragraphs describe exactly how I feel.

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    • We are now on our way to Victoria BC all planned by my husband. I will do my best to enjoy myself. I already have another post brewing promoted by his words about an hour ago… but, but, I don’t do that anymore. *sigh*

      Liked by 2 people

  6. My heart goes out to you and what you struggle with every day. Is it stupid to wish you a happy anniversary? Do you have any special plans.
    Just as an aside, I converted for my husband too. I was jewish and became muslim. It leaves me feeling strange in a country where we are not liked at all (I always get horrible terrorist jokes). I can’t change back, it feels too insincere .

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    • We are on an Amtrak train to Seattle, then on a ferry to Victoria, BC. All planned by BE. I had to get up at 6:00am and then BE left his wallet in the car and our son had to return to the station with it. We barely made the train. Typical BE. I anticipate things will get better from here but I am exhausted already. 😓 I really do wish I was better at compartmentalizing, pushing reality aside, but I am too practical for that. Thus me not doing anything to hurt anyone or jeopardize my life partner’s happiness or safety. I’ll get there. On the train BE brought me a cinnamon roll. I think he is trying to kill me, LOL! And yeah, no point going backwards. I converted so my family would be one religion (after having split myself in two with my parent’s two religions). I definitely don’t regret it. The boys went all the way through religious school, were Bar Mitzvah’d and are definitely Jewish although neither are religious. Gosh I adore my kids. Not stupid to wish us a happy day… I fucking can’t believe we made it this far. 😕

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