On letting go, part one

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I am taking a break from my travel blogging to get something off my chest. I am hoping that writing this out will help me release some of the feelings that threaten to hold me back, push me down, engulf me…. feelings that haunt me and make me question the validity of my choices. Everywhere I turn, I see photos of Blue Eyes’ family, his parents, siblings, they were a big part of Blue Eyes’ life for 50+ years and a big part of my life for more than 30 years.

Unfortunately, they are toxic. I have talked some about Blue Eyes’ mother and I think most people understand the characteristics of a narcissist and the implications of being raised by one. Blue Eyes’ brother is already gone from us forever. The entire family has been shaped by the selfish and abusive behavior of the matriarch of this clan. Even the father has morphed into an emotionless, mean spirited enabling asshole. I know this all sounds so exaggerated and dramatic, but I assure you, it is real.

At 20 years old, I had no idea the man I fell in love with was a sex addict, most likely having been failed by nature, and without a doubt, decimated by nurture, all those years of neglect, verbal and physical abuse, sexual abuse, belittling and being made to feel like a failure. The patterns were set. Don’t get me wrong, no one is blaming Blue Eyes’ parents for the abhorrent behavior he exhibited towards me and others. He made his choices as an adult, albeit a really fucked up one, but I am blaming his parents for the continual abuse of me, my husband, and my children. I could see the poison seeping into our married life, I could feel the sickness, but I thought the love I had for my little family would obliterate the toxin and I spent years trying to run interference for my husband and my boys. I spent years trying to make sure that my children did not have a life like their father. I gave them stability, proper nurturing, respect, love, and attention. I also respected my husband’s wishes to continue giving his parents and family time in his life. Many of us have in-laws we merely put up with versus enjoy. I thought it was my duty to play nice. In hindsight, I don’t think Blue Eyes thought there was any other option, and I guess I didn’t either. When I finally stopped speaking with Blue Eyes’ parents three years ago next month, it did not drive a wedge between me and my husband. It brought us closer. Blue Eyes did not stop communicating with his parents until after diagnosis and even that was prompted by the inevitable continued abuse by them.

What I did not acknowledge, or even realize, was the toll his family’s dysfunctional behavior was having on me. With Blue Eyes, his fate had been set the day he was conceived. It was a genetic crap shoot and years of reinforcement of low self worth, hiding, secrets, pretending, and lies. That was not my fate. After discovery, after diagnosis, and after a particularly disturbing email from them, Blue Eyes cut off all communication with his parents. The mistake that was made, and mostly my doing, is he did tell his sister about his sex addiction diagnosis and treatment plan. I thought maybe she would be there to support him. We had all promised each other after their brother’s suicide, that we would treat each other with respect, kindness, and love. Old habits die hard, or they don’t die at all. We had no idea she would react so negatively and then try to break apart our marriage. We should have known, but didn’t, that she would become so controlling and continue the pattern of behavior that was also so ingrained in her.

After a rather brutal conversation with my sister in law, and a severe panic attack on my part, we realized we would also need to cut contact with the sister. She was using her communications with Blue Eyes to manipulate their mother and make her jealous. She was also manipulating me and Blue Eyes with her continued conversations with us separately designed to drive a wedge between us. This was also an old tactic of their mother. Staying in contact just wasn’t healthy. We had not officially cut communication with the parents, even though I had only spoken to them once since November 2013. An email to Blue Eyes in February 2014 read, “if you cannot change yourself and be a better son, please don’t contact us.” Since Blue Eyes was just beginning to realize the effect of his childhood trauma, their suggestion that he not contact them seemed like a good idea. They have since sent emails, as if nothing has happened (and indeed they know nothing of the hell we have been through in the past 21 months) which have gone unanswered. We met in person with the sister to let her know that we would not be able to have contact with her during the healing and recovery stage. We explained that we would contact her when we felt like we were strong enough. She pretended to be understanding for a while, but at three months, more than a year ago, she created some fabricated date in her mind that we told her we would be in contact. No such date existed. She has since sent unkind emails and texts and Facebook messages. Like the other destructive people in our lives, we ignore all communication.

Although Blue Eyes’ family has always been abusive, things really started to go downhill in Fall 2004. That was the time of our oldest son’s Bar Mitzvah. A Bar Mitzvah is cause for a huge celebration. In general, Bar Mitzvah is simply a point in time when a Jewish boy reaches the age of 13 and is officially regarded as ready to take part in religious worship. I did not grow up Jewish and I am not religious. I converted to Judaism before I was married because I wanted any children Blue Eyes and I brought into this world to have that religious affiliation and upbringing that had been uninterrupted in his family for centuries. If I had married a non-religious person, mostly likely I would have brought up my children with no religion. I grew up with two religions strong in my family, Episcopal and Mormon. I connected with neither. That is who I am. Being dragged back and forth between two very different churches week after week did not give me comfort. It did not make me feel like part of a community. On the other hand, I was embraced by the Jewish community we live in. The boys went to a religious preschool and I learned with them all about Shabbat, and all the Jewish holidays and traditions. Our boys went to religious school (first on Sundays, then on Wednesday nights) throughout their school years and they prepared diligently for their Bar Mitzvah services where they read from the Torah in Hebrew and also chanted, beautifully. Throwing a party in honor of the Bar Mitzvah boy (or Bat Mitzvah girl) is very common in the United States. The Pragmatist had quite the party planned for his big day. We held it out at a restaurant in the suburbs surrounded by beautiful flower gardens. Although it was mid-September, the weather turned cold that weekend, but the kids didn’t seem to mind. The party was sort of country fair themed with sack races, and pie eating contests and the children did fine outside while the adults remained inside sipping their apple-tinis and belting out Karaoke. This was a big affair, a bit like a wedding actually. We had 180 guests for a lovely buffet dinner with birthday cake and a sundae bar for dessert. I loved all the centerpieces. On the adult tables were gorgeous fall floral arrangements with mini apples throughout and the kids tables had small metal buckets filled with huge colorful swirly suckers. It was all planned out beautifully and everything would have gone so smoothly, if not for Blue Eyes’ family. Not a single one of them behaved. As a matter of fact, in my mind, The Pragmatist’s Bar Mitzvah weekend would be the beginning of the end for that entire family. As it turned out, it would take years for all the consequences of everyone’s behavior to be known.

It all started with my mother in law demanding numerous special arrangements for her and her friends. So not only did we have all of our son’s needs to meet including daily trips to the Synagogue for practice and rehearsals, but also all the general party planning for all our guests. We decided to let Blue Eyes’ parents invite a table of friends so they would be busy with them and not bother us. That turned out to be a great idea, except for the fact that their own daughter had not allowed them to invite any of their friends to her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah two years earlier, so they kept rubbing it in with her. Our sons both knew all the friends they invited and we were very comfortable with it. We also invited Blue Eyes’ Japanese mentor, Asa. There were numerous guests from around the world who all coordinated their own transportation, but my mil insisted I take care of all her guest’s transportation to and from the Bar Mitzvah service & luncheon and the evening party. I had already garnered a block of rooms at her favorite hotel within a price range that was acceptable to her. I was unable to get a good sized bus as we were competing with a city full of weddings. We rented the use of a vehicle and driver that held 14. This would cover the in-laws and all their friends plus Asa, however, it would not hold the sister, her husband and the two daughters. There was a little wiggle room on the bus, but not enough for all four. We asked them to rent a car. They balked saying they deserved to have reserved transportation and why should they have to pay when the parents and their friends weren’t. Now, mind you, the sister had just had this same event two years prior, so she knows how stressful it is to coordinate. She cared not one bit, the more she could put us out, the better. I explained to them that renting a car would actually cost them less than a taxi to and from the airport and they would have more flexibility, but they still were unhappy. I explained that we have plenty of friends and family here that could transport them. Finally they very rudely agreed to rent a car. Add to that the fact that Blue Eyes brother and his then Japanese wife were refusing to stay at the hotel with the rest of the family. The Japanese wife and the mother in law did not get along (HELLO, nobody gets along with her). They said they wanted to stay with us. With so much going on, Blue Eyes and I had agreed no one would be able to stay with us. Seriously, most of my family was coming in from out of town too and they didn’t ask to stay with us. They were neatly tucked away at a modest hotel near the party. We said the brother and wife needed to stay at a hotel the first night, but we would book them a different hotel from the rest of the family. We ended up paying for their hotel, because, he refused to and said it was our responsibility if we weren’t allowing him to stay with us. They stayed with us two nights after the party. It was still a huge imposition and became all about them, but that turned out to be the least of our worries.

Friday night is dedicated to Shabbat. We scheduled a Shabbat Dinner after the service for all (well not all, not most of my out of town immediate family) out of town guests. This turned out to be nearly 50 people. We held it at a fancy downtown restaurant in a high rise building with a sweeping view of the city. I was very careful with table seating. The in-laws were happy hosting their table of guests. Blue Eyes hosted the table of out of town business guests. The Pragmatist (at 13) hosted the table with Blue Eyes’ brother and wife plus other family members from Blue Eyes side of the family and my mother and step father (the Episcopalians). Our younger son and I hosted the table with my father and step mother (the Mormons), plus Blue Eyes’ sister and her family. It was obvious very early on that the Sister and her husband, plus their older daughter, were bound and determined to be drunk before the entree reached the table. They were loud and rude and drunk off their asses. The room was gorgeous, the food was amazing, and these people were acting like they were at a frat party. It was so embarrassing. They ended up with their 15 year old being the designated driver back to their hotel. Crazy. At one point the sister said to me, while she was drunk of course, that it was because they were seated at the “reject” table and that is why they needed to drink so much.

The next day we were all wrapped up in our son and his big day. The ceremony went beautifully. The luncheon was very fun as most of my son’s classmates had never been to a Bar Mitzvah before and they were all so cute asking him questions and congratulating him and telling him how excited they were for his birthday party. My mil kept complaining about the temperature in every space she was in, she complained about the food, she complained about everything, constantly. Later that afternoon while we were resting before the party, I had Blue Eyes call his sister and make sure they were good for transportation to the party and that they had directions. His sister said they were fine. That she had such a hangover from the night before, that she would be the designated driver because she wasn’t going to drink anything.

We arrived early for the party to make sure everything was set up properly and to greet guests. All seemed to arrive without issue and things were going well. The kids were having a blast, the adults were entertaining themselves, I was shocked at how well things were going. The weather did throw a wrench in some plans because everything was supposed to be set up outdoors, but it turned out to be too wet and cold throughout the day, so they ended up closing the restaurant and setting the adult party up indoors. We had originally settled on signature drinks themed for the party (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic), and an Italian soda bar for the kids and adults that act like kids, and wine for the tables. Once we moved the adult party indoors where they had a beautiful and fully stocked bar, my mother in law informed me that her guests would be ordering mixed drinks from the bar, and one friend only drank Scotch. I said no worries as we would have to pay for whatever they drank anyway, so I doubted they would drink that much more just because there was now an open bar. Everyone has a capacity, right? My sister in law marched over to me in a huff about 15 minutes after my mother in law had informed me about the bar situation. The sister was furious saying how dare we allow her mother’s guests to order expensive scotch and mixed drinks. I told her since we had had to move indoors, everyone was free to order what they wanted not just the parents and their guests. The sister proceeded to bitch and complain about her mother and how obnoxious she is. I eventually slipped away to then be called aside by a Japanese friend of ours. She said she felt so bad that our distinguished Japanese visitor had to take a taxi cab to the party and she felt so bad as she had plenty of room in her mini van and would have been happy to pick him up. I was so confused. I said, no we had transportation for them at the hotel. She said no, he arrived in an old taxi with Blue Eyes’ father. I tracked down Blue Eyes so we could figure out what happened. I went over to discreetly ask my mil what had happened and she gave me daggers as an answer. Basically, don’t ask. I left the conversation for a later time.

The rest of the party went pretty smoothly. The next morning we had scheduled brunch for all the hotel guests in a private room at the hotel (in case you are wondering, yes, this weekend cost us a fucking fortune). The sister and her family had an earlier flight than the in laws, so they left shortly after eating. The rest of us hung around and chatted. After nearly everyone was gone, my mother in law called Blue Eyes and I over to discuss the happenings the night before. Our boys were off doing something fun and no one else was around. Blue Eyes’ parents were livid with the sister and her family. The father had been sitting in the lobby waiting to escort their guests onto the bus, when he heard his daughter and family come down stairs and his daughter say, “if we hurry, we can beat them on the bus and then their snooty friends will have no where to sit and they will just fucking have to find their own way to the party.” Obviously she could not see her father sitting within ear shot. The father knew there was going to be trouble, so he called up to the mother and decided she would escort the rest of the guests on the bus, and father would escort their Japanese friend to the party by taxi cab. They didn’t want a scene in front of their friends. He arranged the taxi. They all got there and the daughter didn’t get the satisfaction of seeing how livid her parents were. At this point after the brunch, Blue Eyes’ mother told us that she was cutting her daughter off. That they would no longer be talking with her. That they were sick and tired of her behavior and they forbid us from talking with the sister about it. They wanted her to flounder, not knowing exactly why she was being ignored and basically disowned. The in-laws left town and we breathed a huge sigh of relief, but we still had the brother to entertain for another night, which we did.

A couple weeks after the party, I received a phone call from my sister in law. She proceeded to scream at me for over an hour about how I had turned her mother against her. That I was the root of all evil and that I would regret my actions. I just let it go in one ear and out the other because at this point, she and her mother had been on the outs so many times before that everyone had lost count. When I met Blue Eyes they were not on speaking terms. The situation now, or pretty much since I became a legitimate part of their family, was I was now becoming the scapegoat for everything. Eventually, after numerous rude and obnoxious phone calls and emails from her and her husband, I finally told them that her father had heard them talking about getting on the bus before their friends and that Blue Eyes and I had nothing to do with it. She called me a liar, said we had poisoned them against her, and didn’t speak to me for months, a blissfully peaceful time.

Meantime, things started to fall apart for Blue Eyes’ brother. He had recently been in the states for intensive psychotherapy around his depression and suicidal thoughts. He started to turn on Blue Eyes and try and turn the parents against Blue Eyes to deflect from his own perceived inadequacy in his parents’ eyes. And during this time, Blue Eyes decided that in order to be able to cope with his life, he needed to put in a Craig’s List Ad to find someone “to listen to him, to hold him and nurture him… ” blah, blah, blah.

Since this has become so outrageously long, I will continue the saga of Blue Eyes’ family, and how everything fell apart, in my next post. In the end, writing this out is all about reminding myself why we have no contact with Blue Eyes’ family.

There is just something about me, my personality, that makes me uneasy, that makes me feel strange that we no longer have contact with these people. It does feel like I have given up. I want to believe that I am letting go of something toxic and that it is okay?

22 thoughts on “On letting go, part one

  1. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. But one thing. My first reaction. Why didn’t you hang up on the SIL when she ranted for an hour? Because, like me you were probably a bit flabbergasted and yet equally dispassionately bemused. My SIL was fantastic at reeling me in, then slamming my head on the ground!

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    • Well Paula, this is such an ingrained pattern of behavior from a person I had known for many years. I was programmed, with my own sister, to try and calm the situation, to try and right the ship. I would desperately try to get through to her, to make it all make sense. But, these people just do not want to hear the truth, or have things make sense. They want to behave badly, then deflect, make excuses, etc… I was a fool.

      Even to the last point that we were with her or spoke to her last year, she was saying she has never done anything bad or mean to me. The truth, she has almost never done anything nice. I don’t hold grudges, but the stories go way way back. When I first met the family, she wasn’t on speaking terms with her parents. She was married to a heroine addict and working two jobs to keep up with his habit. The parents hated her then husband. I was engaged to BE before she was even divorced from her first husband. When she divorced him, she ran back to mommy and daddy to pay for her divorce as the husband was suing for palimony. I remember it all. I was 22 years old. It was incredulous to me. Anyway, she divorced, met her current husband through friends, and got married less than nine months before we did (yep it all happened very quickly). BE and I had a long engagement. When she got married, it was a few months after I had moved home from Japan. I did not even receive an invitation to the wedding. BE and I had been engaged for more than two years and I had known the family for four years. I was actually in LA the weekend of the wedding, but due to the lies and secrets in that family, I didn’t even know. Since BE wasn’t invited either (he was in Japan and for some reason the parents didn’t want him home for it–most likely because of me) he had no idea it was happening, but he knew I was in LA. Then, a very few months later, sister puts a bug in mom’s ear that she wants to be in our wedding and mil TELLS me I have to have her daughter as a bridesmaid. I say no. I wasn’t even invited to her wedding and she’s not even nice to me, and she was pregnant. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it is very difficult to fit a dress on a 4’10” woman who is pregnant. Plus, I didn’t want her in my wedding. It was the argument of the year. I never said she could be in the wedding, but both mil and sil kept telling me I had and why was I now going back on my word??? Crazy, crazy, crazy. There are so many crap stories… also, at the last minute BE decided he MUST have another groomsmen at our wedding, because BE is fickle like that and he felt some strange obligation to this “friend.” So, I had to find a last minute bridesmaid. I asked the brother’s long term girlfriend at the time, and it was awful. All the girls had decided to wear pearls and she refused. She refused to go to the bachelorette party and instead stayed home with mil and sobbed to her how no one invited her? Lies. Boy was she meant for that family, but she never made it in. That’s another story. Anyway, in all the pictures she has this weird look on her face and refuses to stand near the other bridesmaids. ACK! That family.

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  2. I too feel like a terrible person for cutting my mom out of my life. In a way, I can justify it as a means of protecting my boys. In another way, I feel like a hypocrite. What an amazing shindig the bar mitzvah must have been- we have been to one- so I know the incredible preparation and planning that is involved. I can’t imagine how distracting all of the insanity must have been- thank you for sharing your true self with us. You help me so much!

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    • I only know how to be who I am and this blog is a representation of that. I feel so passionately about people and their feelings and I can see the good in my in-laws, but I can also see the toxicity and the fact that my husband is not currently able to deal with it. It is hard to reconcile all the feelings as they created my husband. They looked into his little Blue Eyes and they gave him a lot of material things and a great education, and they raised him to adulthood, and yet, they also neglected him and abused him and it tears my heart up.

      When I met my husband, I didn’t even know what Hanukah was (a commercial Jewish holiday). Celebrating my boys Bar Mitzvahs with them and the parties will always hold such beautiful and fond memories. I was able to push away a lot of the distractions from his family in order to be there for my little family, but that time frame definitely started a downward spiral that never corrected itself. My next post will elaborate.

      Thank you so much for validating my blog. Sometimes I read my words and think, why would anyone want to read this? I am so sorry about your mom 😦 .

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  3. We have more in common than not and MC and I are both big supporters of listening to others’ ideas as well as having the courage to speak our own.

    Before we started our blog, we were feeling a little beaten down from other forums implying we were doomed for failure if we did not adopt the SA, 12-step path as our own. MC said his truth, but I hope you felt like we welcomed or at least heard and respected your truth. Please know the goal is always healing, however best the individual and, if desired, the couple see fit.

    And, by the way, toxic parents suck! I do understand, on so many levels I do!!! We have so much to offer each other, to learn from one another, to be able to support one another through some themes that seem to run very similar in our two families. Sending hugs to you and BE on your healing path in all ways!

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    • Oh yes, MC was very respectful and courteous in his responses to me and his comments were well thought out. I realize people do not always agree. Sometimes when I read his posts, however, it did feel like he was trying to give advice on or make light of something, in my opinion, he didn’t understand. I am glad he allowed me to give my opinion. I do literally believe you would have had to go through the program to understand. Just like with your program. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to comment on it. It has taken many of BE’s circle years to properly complete the steps and they still attend meetings 10 years out. BE is on step 8, after more than 18 solid months of meeting attendance and participation and 20 months of pretty intense therapy. Even I couldn’t begin to describe the steps and what they mean to someone struggling to master their behavior and I have watched my husband for months now. Although I have read blogs and they have helped me realize I am not alone, I have never followed forums. I have been to a couple and found them frustrating, depressing, and anger inducing for the most part.

      I agree our situations are eerily similar, too similar, but I think it is the nature of our husband’s FOO and self control issues. Thanks for the words of support. They are always appreciated!

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  4. Oh Kat. I do understand where you are coming from. MC’s family is also toxic. His sibling did everything MIL wanted and yet still finds it hard to deal with her and moved far away from her too. MC’s sibling suffers terribly with Crohn’s disease, I wonder why?

    MC barely talks to his folks anymore. I feel horrible about it, even though I know they hate me. But, as a Mom I cannot help but think how horrible it would be to know that neither of my children really want much to do with me. She is sick. She is toxic, but I stupidly feel bad that she is lonely. A loneliness of her own creation though!

    I too became their scapegoat even though their problems with MC existed long before I was in the picture. Thank you for the tips on the Bar Mitzvah by the way. That is in our sights for our oldest. We don’t live near home and don’t know a lot of people here, so it will not be some big grand affair. Still, I want it to be nice for our oldest. The year MC was away and we were home , the kids went to a Jewish School. I know our oldest is sad that friends from home will not be near.

    MC’s family is invited to the Bar Mitzvah next summer. But, we doubt they will come. First, they hate that I am Jewish, that MC converted and that our children our Jewish. Second, after MC stood up to his Mom again in a phone call last year, she stopped talking to him and only talks to our kids on the rare occasions MC’s Dad will call. Third, she really only wants us to come to them for show, not because she actually wants to see us. And we refuse to spend thousands of dollars to sit as prisoner’s in her home for her little dog and pony show. And fourth, she really has no desire to come to us unless it is someplace exotic she can brag about to family (she has no friends).

    I just wanted to say I so understand. I know we are approaching treatment in different ways, but sometimes when I read your history it is like a page from our own in so many ways.

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    • Thanks, TL. Everyone gets to approach their treatment and recovery (like everything in life) the way they see fit… in a way that works for them. As long as healing is happening, we should all celebrate. I consider it like religion, whatever works for you. But we should not in any way disregard another’s path because it is different from our own (or because we don’t understand it). Just to be clear, I think your story is amazing and very inspirational and I have referred numerous people to your site. Mostly ones that do not want to be labeled a sex addict, or whose husband does not want the label. I respect your path and how far you have come. I just do not appreciate the discussion MC has regarding sex addiction, but it is his blog and his prerogative and I have said my piece.

      I am so sorry anyone has to deal with toxic people like both our in-laws. I am in the process of finishing the rest of the story, which includes our younger son’s Bar Mitzvah. Our boys are two years apart and this intense drama continued for that long before quieting down a bit before my brother in law’s suicide. I do believe that I was really beaten down and didn’t realize it when d-day happened. It all came crashing down on me and I didn’t recognize myself last year. I collapsed from the weight of it all and when the dust cleared, it was obvious that my in-laws were a big part of my trauma too. I had just never acknowledged it. I had pushed it down and away.

      I hope your son is enjoying preparations for his Bar Mitzvah. It should all be about him. Even though I am not religious, I love Blue Eyes and he was always culturally Jewish, not so much religious. It is a big part of his identity (unlike other religions I have known) and I wanted to continue that tradition. I cannot even express in words how much I adore my boys. They were amazing at their Bar Mitzvahs, their chanting was beautiful. The ceremony was by far the most wonderful part of the day, although they would say they got through it so they could have a huge birthday party. Neither of them suffered because of the behavior of BE’s family. Neither of my grown boys are religious, but they are Jewish, if that makes sense to you and I suspect it does. Blue Eyes is still Jewish, but now considers himself a Buddhist in training. Another religion to add to the mix. Again, as long as people are happy and being kind and respectful of others, it literally is all good.

      So, my next post may also, unfortunately, sound familiar to you as I will talk about more dysfunction and more bitter and hateful behavior on their part. We stopped visiting them years ago because, as you say, dog and pony show. For everything I write here, there are literally hundreds of other stories of disrespect and abuse. Also, maybe you have read here (speaking of Crohn’s) Blue Eyes suffered from severe ulcerative colitis from the age of 10 and chronic juvenile rheumatoid arthritis from the age of 8. While I was having a mammogram yesterday, he was having his hip x-rayed. He has severe damage in his right hip due to childhood arthritis and will now, at 51, need a hip replacement. *Sigh*

      I need to get it out even though I have much more lovely things to write about. Thanks for validating my feelings and once again, understanding where I am coming from. It does feel less lonely.

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    • Thanks for the support. When I saw these comments, it brought a sort of painful aching in my chest and tears to my eyes (I’m having an emotional week) because I feel like I should have done this a long long time ago. But I can’t look back. I can only live in this moment and do the best I can.

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  5. You did the right thing. Thirty years of trying can in no way, shape or form be construed as giving up!! You did what was right for you, your husband and your family… your family, your boys!! I’m surprised you took that long 😉

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    • Thanks, PW. It’s been a while. You know you were the first betrayed spouse blogger I read. You gave me the strength to post publicly and you got me to smile too, when smiling was a rare occurrence. I am surprised this took so long too, for me to walk away from them. My boys still have contact with their grandparents, but I hope I raised them so that they don’t let it get to them. It only really got to me after d-day, or maybe I was just storing all the pain and hurt and not dealing with it, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. My 81 year old father in law just sent an email to our son, the high honors college graduate, who lives in Brooklyn and works three jobs and is loving life, saying that he really should think about his career as he doesn’t want to end up in a trailer park? These people are fucking nuts. ❤

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      • It certainly has! I’m glad some good came from my potty mouthed rants… but really, when your husband has been fucking a pit faced whore there really is no other way to be 😉

        It’s great that your son’s still have contact with their grandparents… even tho they are psychos! Some people are just so stupid and so selfish that they they have no clue what their words can do to another person. Fucking nutters the lot of em! ❤

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  6. Disown them, disown them, disown them. They are so toxic and a negative in any part of your life, Blue Eyes’ lif e and your childrens lives. Recovery from this is difficult enough without that kind of crap.

    Take care of yourselves and hugs to you for your strength.

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    • You are so right, recovery is difficult enough. But the feeling of cutting people out of my life is also pretty devastating. It feels so weird. I know it is a necessary emptiness, but it still hurts. It hurts that people behave so poorly, regardless of the reasons. Thanks for the hugs. My strength is holding on by a thread…

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  7. It is not only okay, it is healthy. You are a wife and a mother and I believe 100% that you have your family’s best interest at heart. It’s not en easy thing to do, but it is definitely the best thing to do– to break ties with people who are harmful to your well being and that of your loved ones.

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    • Thanks, C. To be honest, most all of Blue Eyes worst behaviors were hidden. That is why I hate the word chump in regards to being cheated on. I was just living my life as a good person. Now, on the other hand, with my in-laws, I knew they were abusive and I knew it was not good for me or my family, but I still let it go on. It overwhelms me sometimes. I feel like a fool. This is much more a case of feeling like an abused wife who just won’t leave the situation. Why is it so hard to cut people out, even when they are so toxic? Thanks for the support on this. ❤

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      • When someone is happy and healthy with a loving background it is hard to see how toxic others can be. If you had lived in the same city (God forbid) you would have come to the same conclusion, only sooner. When there is time in between you think the next time will be different because their behavior the “last time” was so unbelievable. Unfortunately it’s always the same, but you keep living hopefully ever after. It’s so difficult to believe anyone can be like that. You could wait it out like I did. Now my FIL can’t remember that he hated me. Always here for you. xoxo me

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        • You are always the voice of reason. I believe you are correct… having the distance and a bit of control over the communication, etc… helped me rationalize it all. One of my favorite sitcom situations is Everybody Loves Raymond when the mom is crossing the street and they all run around shutting the blinds or whatever and Raymond ends up on the floor in front of the door and she sticks her hand through the mail slot and touches his head. Ha ha. That would be an absolute nightmare, but funny when it happens to someone else. I used to have nightmares right after d-day of her just showing up at our house and demanding to take BE away from me…. pretty sure that would have been a blessing actually. So funny about your crotchety old FIL. If we wait long enough, you never know. ❤ xoxo

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