On October 3, 2015 my blog turned one year old. I have now published 247 posts and received thousands of views and comments. I never could have imagined the emotions that would surround me writing a mostly anonymous blog about my husband’s infidelity. At the time I started the blog, my story was nearly 10 months old. I started with journal entries I had been keeping since d-day, January 11, 2014. Posting from the past caused me anxiety. People were supportive, but thought I was still in that very dark place. I mean, truth be told, I was still in a dark place, just not that deep pit of despair that threatened to enslave me and never let me go. I spent two months playing catch up and posting like a maniac. Then I began writing in real time. Some days, just hitting the publish button caused me great anxiety, but getting it all out of me was always the goal, and publishing felt more formal, and more freeing. I hate being anonymous, but I do it for Blue Eyes. It is not my right to share his secrets openly with the world.
I am so grateful for this blog, for the people I have met through this blog, a couple lovely women I have even embraced, in person, and others I certainly plan to meet in person. I will meet them in person, but it seems I may have to travel to a few different countries to do that. I feel lucky that for the most part commenters have been respectful and understanding of my situation, even if they don’t totally “believe in” sex addiction. Sex addiction is real, I can assure you, but like most diseases and life experiences, people cannot possibly understand the full extent unless they have lived it or lived with someone who has lived it. We will never know the pain, and the feeling that our body is rejecting us after daily chemotherapy for adult onset leukemia, unless we live it ourselves. We will never know the frustration of eating healthy and exercising regularly and still having a little machine tell us every morning, that we have diabetes. We’ll never understand what it feels like to push a 9 pound baby out of our vagina, until we do it (I didn’t have to do that, emergency c-section, but the 8 pound one was difficult enough). We can say, ah, but those are quantifiable illnesses and experiences. True, and so is sex addiction. I am not sure who decided whether or not it was a real illness was debatable. I guess in this crazy world we live in, everything is debatable? I remember thinking, after converting to Judaism and having my beautiful children in my arms, there are people in this world who hate my family because we are Jewish. How can that be? Life is not fair sometimes. I know now people feel they have the right to question what my husband is going through, the legitimacy of his diagnosis, the validity of his recovery. Why? Life is not fair sometimes. But none of that really matters because each and every one of us has the right to take care of ourselves and to respond to our own needs and actions in a manner of our choosing. Blue Eyes and I are grateful there are resources available to him to help guide him into the light, because he has lived in the dark for so long. This blog has helped me talk all this out. I actually feel safe here.
So thank you blogosphere, for being there for me. I needed you so much, and you did not disappoint. And, I’m not going anywhere.