We’re in Tokyo. Me, Blue Eyes, our two boys, and my parents, all here for the Princesse’s first birthday. I’m pretty sure my brother (GQ) and his wife are thrilled we have all come here for this great occasion as they are paranoid about taking their little girl on a plane. They’re not so much worried because they think she will get sick or her schedule will be altered too much, nope, pretty sure they are worried about her throwing a tantrum. This little girl is spoiled with a capital S. Adorably cute, and stubborn, and did I mention, precious? Eventually I hope they will get up the courage, because the whole family traveling here, often, is not really an option.
This past Sunday after everyone had arrived into town and we were all settled in our rental house in the Meguro district of Tokyo, we headed out to Ginza for a little shopping, sightseeing, and eating. After a lot of walking and a stroll through Hibiya Park, we headed to Rose Bakery in the Marunouchi district. Marunouchi is a beautiful little area of Tokyo very near Tokyo Station. Blue Eyes has stayed in Marunouchi nearly every time he has been to Japan over the past three decades, so many many times, including the three times he visited with the other woman. The area is a torturous trigger for me. When we were here in January, our hotel room had a view of the Marunouchi Hotel, a place they had spent nearly a week during their five years of traveling together. Of course I had booked the room, with thoughts of my husband’s comfort in mind. It ripped my heart out and made me sick to my stomach just looking at that building earlier this year. I kept thinking, am I looking right at the room where he betrayed me… where he disregarded me and everything about me in order to feed his selfish desires. Where he stole my heart, my soul, and my story away from me. I wrote some pretty tortured blog entries during that time. It was a purging of sorts. I felt better when it was all over.
There I stood at dusk on a warm November 1st Sunday in Tokyo, a mere two blocks from that hotel, with that same sick pit in my stomach. I left my family inside the bakery, finishing their coffee and pastries, for a bit of fresh air. Blue Eyes joined me. I couldn’t help but remind him of how difficult this whole situation is. Of where we were and of what he had done to me, my life. I didn’t cry, or become angry. I am merely tired and beaten down. I said I wanted to just scream at the top of my lungs how unfair life is. How unfair it is that I have been treated so poorly and now, I get to just pretend that my soul isn’t being ripped out of me again by a trigger of a memory of a time when my husband fucking broke my heart. There is nothing he can do for me now. Everything that needed to be said has been said. I know all the details I will ever need to know. I have cried way too many tears, they generally don’t help. He can only do what he does, stand with me, hold me, and tell me how sorry he is. It’s all there really is. Sometimes I feel like I merely exist now. I want to be able to go places and do things and not have the intrusion of thoughts of the bad acts of my husband. Even if he wasn’t with me, the pain of those memories would be.
We walked on. The moment passed. Nobody knew but me and Blue Eyes.
Today is the first day Blue Eyes is having to work. It’s a long one as he has taken the Shinkansen to Kyoto for the day and will not return until evening. I am not alone as I have the rest of the family with me and we will go sightseeing.
Blue Eyes sent me this message as he waited for his train:
As i sit here in the shinkansen station I just wanted to let you know how full my heart is with you and that I am never alone that you are here with me inside me all of me and how truly grateful I am to be with you and to share with you over these past days. Being with our family, having the boys with us here, seeing you in the company of your family and the love and baby lei lei in your arms is what gives me strength and is the life that I truly want. This is where I belong. I know that it could be gone at any moment. I know that everything is impermanent. I am grateful for every moment that I have with you and that you have chosen to still have me in your life.
Nothing taken for granted ever again.
Love with all my heart and soul.
I do love Japan and desperately wish my thoughts about it and my memories of it hadn’t been tarnished by the depraved acts of a very sick man.
There is not much else Blue Eyes can do or say. The sentiment he wrote above is very much appreciated. I wish it could wipe away all the pain. I think only time will numb it enough to allow me to feel that I have not compromised my life and my happiness for him. It is what it is, and today, I am just getting by.