My challenge with blogging

daibutsu

We’re still in Japan, having a wonderful time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the betrayal. There are so many triggers everywhere. Those who read my blog know what I have been going through the past 22 months. First there was discovery, a harrowing phone call and all the revelations that followed regarding my husband’s secret life, including three week-long trips to Japan over five years, but also decades of unresolved trauma from abuse. Then there was my trauma, months and months of trauma. Now that we are approaching the two-year mark of that fateful day, the day my husband’s story was revealed, I am in a place where I feel I know the truth and I make decisions about my life using that truth. I will never know everything. I don’t believe we ever truly know another human being, and that was a sad and disheartening lesson learned through all this. But I know enough to make choices about my life going forward. I have decided to stay with my husband as he becomes the person he wants to be, the person I thought he was all along. That is my decision today.

When I started this blog on October 3, 2014, I was not new to blogging. I have had a personal blog since 2008. On that blog my posts were about family, and travel, and food, and gardening, and almost all good things. I did not know at the time that my words and photos were being obsessively read and viewed by a woman who was having sex with my husband. I have stopped writing on that blog. At one point I made it private, but that is not me. I am not a private person. I am a sharing and giving and caring person. I don’t care, however, if the other woman knows about my life and my family. Truth is, she knew about us all along and she didn’t care. I am not going to run and hide from that crazy bitch. After d-day, however, I didn’t feel like writing on that blog because I wasn’t happy anymore and that was a happy blog. So I kept a journal of what was really going on in my life and then I started this blog, which was always intended to be me, writing out my story, as it was, and is, and hopefully freeing myself of some of the most painful feelings. I did not know I would be joining a blogging community. I did not know I would make friends through my blog. I also, ignorantly, did not know there would be people who would comment on my life, or my husband, and I did not know that some would speak cruel words with seemingly no care or remorse. The anonymity of the internet does funny things to people, or maybe there are just a lot of cruel people out there. I don’t know many people who behave so badly in real life.

There are a few things I know about my husband. Blue Eyes is a sex addict. I have written about it here enough that I don’t feel like I need to explain it in detail again. Blue Eyes used sex to cope with life. He kept it a secret because he was ashamed. Ashamed of it all, the masturbation from childhood, the porn viewing, and of course, eventually, the extramarital sex. He didn’t nurture relationships, he pursued his drug. That’s it. Nothing anyone writes in a comment here will change my mind about what I have seen, and what I have heard, and what I have experienced in this grueling process of discovery, and recovery. I questioned it all myself, for months. It took hours and hours of trauma therapy to realize I am strong enough to make my own decisions about my life.

I do truly appreciate the dialogue created here in the blogging community, and on my blog. I do not, however, appreciate comments that are mean spirited, seemingly out of sheer ignorance, and then left to sit there like a piece of trash. I post everything. I have never deleted a comment. As most of my followers know, I respond to nearly every single comment. This is me. This is my life.

I understand that people do not know my husband, and do not understand sex addiction. My blog was not created to educate people or to convert people to my way of thinking, but if we are talking about me, my husband, or my life, give me a little fucking respect. I assure you, if you were living with a sex addict, you would see my world a little clearer. Early on I read a lot about sex addiction. I know there are sex addicts who do not recover, lots of them. That does not mean sex addiction isn’t real. I also know that a lot of people have heard that sex addiction is just the “excuse of the moment.” Another excuse for being bad. There are a lot of sex addicts. Being a sex addict is not an excuse for bad behavior. Geez, I feel like I sound like a broken record. The diagnosis of sex addict is a prescription for a path to recovery. Some take it, some don’t. Some call “it” something else entirely because that makes more sense to them. Great. Go for it. This is our life. Give us the same respect. With what I have read on some blogs, it is no wonder many addicts are further humiliated when they finally feel like they have a validation for their pain. Yep, it’s pain. Whether we all want to admit it or not. It is just like any other addiction. It is not a “handy label.” Sex addicts do go through withdrawal, not “withdrawal from sex,” but withdrawal from having a drug to cope with the life they cannot cope with. As a matter of fucking fact, a lot of sex addicts we have met turn to drugs, alcohol, and food when they stop feeding their “disease” (yep, I’m calling it a disease). Many sex addicts have other addictions already. I am putting quotes around a lot of this because these phrases are actually coming from a very popular blog where someone who knows absolutely nothing about sex addiction actually writes about it. For every person she quotes in her blog, there are dozens of experts who can refute her words. But I am not here to convince anyone. I am merely pointing out how difficult it is to help yourself when the world is wanting to destroy you because they don’t like what you have done with your penis (or vagina). It is so so so much more than that. Do sex addicts cause pain? Yep. It is one of those sick things in life, where people who were abused turn around and abuse others. It happens. It happens a lot.

So, this other blogger who shall remain nameless believes that no matter what is wrong with a cheater, whether they call themselves a “sex addict” or not, we should all abandon them, immediately. No second chances. No compassion. No understanding, especially if they need “years and years of therapy” and she has a lot of followers and a few of them have found their way here, to my blog. I don’t want to delete comments, even frustrating ones, that people spend time writing, but I will use my blog to discuss why I do not like it and also reiterate that I have already made the choice to stay. I do not believe that abandoning my best friend is the better course of action for today.

Peace and love to everyone. ❤

33 thoughts on “My challenge with blogging

  1. Well said woman!

    As you know, I’ve struggled with the terminology, especially as I learned my husbands sex addiction wasn’t even about sex but more about adoration from women. The sex was just a by product of the affection and adoration. It all just confused me more.

    I have learned a great deal from your ever present grace you have shown for Blue Eyes and yourself and others.

    You’re amazing Cat. The Internet and the trolls never change that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I appreciate the kind words and kind compliments. I know you have dealt with the trolls too. They seem to come out either when we trash the OW, or when they want to take a stab at our husbands. They are not worth the effort and not helpful, so I will be deleting from here forward. xoxo

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  2. There are too many that choose not to recover. I was willing to love and support recovery but the denial and lies were so thick. If you are married to someone that truly wants to change then your experience is different from most that truly don’t want to recover because it’s easier to hold on to their drug of choice. We had a low stress, charmed life. any stress was self-imposed. A childhood behavior that he had no intent of modifying. Sometimes people want to change but they don’t want to do the hard work. It’s like weight loss. There are no magic pills. It’s the refusal to acknowledge the devastation they cause and cognitive distortions they carry on with that are the demise of a relationship. If you have one that is sincere about healing and wholeness then he’s rare.

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    • I can only focus on my husband and not the others who have chosen not to recover. My husband truly wants to change. Time will tell if he is able to. I have one that has acknowledged the devastation and the altering of my reality, and has embraced recovery in an uncomfortable way for him. But, there are no guarantees. I know what my boundaries are and what my path to happiness is. Thankfully he has some great role models in his fellowship, older men with years of sobriety, so he knows people can recover and lead healthy lives… but it is a daily struggle at this point, 22 months in, to replace those horribly bad habits with good ones. It is not his natural instinct yet. I hear you loud and clear and it saddens me that people don’t acknowledge how their behavior can be so destructive to other human beings. It is a sad way to live life and I can understand, absolutely, not wanting to be with an unrecovered addict. Believe me, I think about it every day. Thank you for your comment.

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  3. We all come from different backgrounds, different upbringings, different life experiences, and different marriages. Though we share many of the same stories in the course of uncovering and dealing with infidelity and betrayal, it by no means indicates that we know what is the best course of action for each other. It saddens me that people can be so judgmental or cruel about another person’s choice. Whether we stay in our marriage, or leave, we all must make some very difficult choices. You, and so many others will always have my support through whatever decisions you feel are best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much castleblocs. Even though I have chosen to stay, I totally understand those wanting or needing to leave and they are all such individual choices and full of heart ache, either way. I do appreciate the support. xo

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  4. You know what they say about opinions right? I have come to the conclusion that we all only see the world from our perspective and experiences. Some of us are more willing to grow an see other options. Some of us aren’t. Some of us can see beyond our own pain to see another’s pain, even if that someone caused us all of our pain. There’s no right or wrong. Your path is yours alone. You are the one walking it. I don’t understand why people are so judgmental. If someone doesn’t like what you are writing about, they have the power to not read it. Its that simple. Your blog is about YOU. So keep doing what you want and need to. You are clearly helping many others in your situation. There’s always going to be some haters. Let them hate.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks hoping. I know the commenter is a devout follower of the other blog I speak of here (thanks to blogger friends filling me in), so I know where the negativity is coming from, and thus the reason for posting…again about that other website/blog, and yeah, that’s kind of my point. Haters are gonna hate. I will probably start moderating and deleting. That kind of input just doesn’t seem helpful, does it? Even if there is no right or wrong, her reasoning regarding why my husband is not a sex addict, in her opinion, just does not match up to what I have written for so many months now and the examples she uses are way off base, so yeah, not helpful. I am grateful, however, that there are so many sweet, kind, respectful commenters that make me feel like I have a home here. We all deserve respect and kindness, especially under the circumstances. xo

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  5. Kat
    It was DDay 2. He spilled everything. He’d moved back and we were going to MC. The OW was fired from her job (she worked for him before I came back. Of course I wanted to come back earlier, way earlier but of course she was there well ensconced in their affair) He’d seen her again a few times. I think he was scared she would tell me or whatever. Anyway, he read oh about 1/2 a book on reconciliation and how to handle making things right after and affair. He read just enough info to be dangerous. In that small part of the book sex addiction was mentioned so he went with it. He self diagnosed and then used it as a flippant excuse for his poor choices. I freaked out. Not externally but internally. I started Googling places to help him if he really believed he was a sex addict. I even called the place Tiger Woods went to in Mississippi. The woman there refused to answer any questions from me and she told me, very wisely, that if my H thought he had a sex addiction HE was the one that needed to call. That’s all it took for me to decide that if he truly was a sex addict HE was the one that would have to seek out help and I knew that would NEVER happen. Too many FOO issues, too many personal shortcomings, etc. I knew he would never change without a whole lot of help and therapy and he would never follow through. He would dismiss it. So we talked and talked and went to MC and discussed the idea of sexual addiction and everyone decided that he was indeed NOT a sex addict, and like I said earlier, just your garden variety asshole!! There was nothing addictive about his choices. Just all very narcissistic and self entitlement and low moral compass and of course a whole lot of “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”. Very erroneous thinking, right? But I mulled it over. I considered that maybe he was addicted if he couldn’t stop seeing her. But he did stop seeing her, just like that. She tried contact, but was thwarted so she quit, thank God (it also helped that I scared the shit out of her!!). He never had a problem with porn or internet sex sites so I was able, with help from him and the MC, to decide he wasn’t a sex addict. Because had I truly believed he had any kind of addiction I was NOT the person to stand by and help him in any way. I would have walked. I knew my limitations and addiction was the line in the sand. Yes I think my H was a lost soul but he did it to himself. I have very little tolerance for people who sabotage themselves including myself. So I watched and watched for any kind of slipping, depression on his part, pornography (to replace the affair addiction) and saw none. So long story short I think he read just enough info in the one and only book he picked up, to be dangerous. He was grasping at straws saying that. But I took it seriously. I believed there was a possibility.

    I admire you for becoming educated with regards to sex addiction. I admire you for standing by your husband through all the therapy. I admire BE for following through on his treatment. I do believe he can beat this. I do believe you two will make it and be stronger because of it. It’s MY personal shortcomings that knew I couldn’t do what you are doing. If he’d have had a gambling or alcohol or drug addiction, I’d have felt the same. I’m glad I haven’t had to deal with an addiction. This shit is hard enough all on it’s own. But your hurt and my hurt are the same. Addiction or not. This is NOT the narrative I believed was my life’s story and that is what I battle.

    I imagine it is disheartening to put your thoughts into words as eloquently as you do only to have someone come along and dismiss them and refer you to a sight that is the antithesis of your sight. You can’t even compare your blog with hers. Apples and oranges. And I assure you folks that go there and admonish the people who threw their cheaters to the curb and raked over the coals by CL and the readers. The do NOT tolerate any kind of dissension in the ranks where their dogma is concerned. And that’s ok. I don’t go there to convert anyone. This is MY learning process.

    I see these different points of view like this. I’m not catholic, but when I attend a catholic service I come away inspired. I’m not Jewish and yet when I attend weddings or funerals in the Jewish faith I come away inspired. One doesn’t have to buy in 100% to every idea. We just have to listen and take from these different ideas that which helps us grow and heal.

    I don’t think it’s right that those with opposing views come to your blog and criticize you. I think it’s rude. But there’s a lot of safety in the anonymity of cyber space. You just keep on writing Kat. You have a gift to put good thoughts into words. I like it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Krazycat – we all construct our own truths. There is no one truth. There are just theories and something denied today can be accepted tomorrow. Humans are messy animals all struggling to make lives for themselves and you’re right when you say that we can never know another human fully. I’m not even sure if we can ever know ourselves.
    You have developed a lovely blog here and should feel proud of yourself. Once upon a time their was a belief that black people were ok to be used as slaves. Well, that was the opinion held by some. The opinion doesn’t make it right!
    Keep telling your story. Keep forging meaning for you for us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, MR. I receive such wonderful support here on this blog. I had to write this post as I couldn’t leave the other entry with that comment hanging there. I had to speak to it. Sometimes I wonder why. I guess I am just trying to make sense of my own life and I am naive in that I think people understand I am a sensitive, intelligent human being trying to do the best I can. I feel like we have all been through hell and back and I don’t understand the bitter words, here, or anywhere. I am open and honest and raw here and I have had many people tell me they feel connected to me, and I certainly feel connected to them. I will probably take the advice of blogger friends and not post some comments that come along. It goes against who I am, I feel everyone deserves to have a voice, I am torn. I never knew how attached I would become to this blog.

      Liked by 1 person

      • CK, everybody would know, by reading your blog that you are an intelligent, articulate, sensitive, and may I say, stylish blogger. They would also know that you are doing a brilliant job in sharing your experiences and how this is helping so many others.

        The unknowns are the responders motives for their comments. Unfinished business of their own I would suggest.

        Of course, you’re attached to your blog. It’s honest, authentic and generous and it narrates your pain, challenges and joys. It’s a part of you.

        Whether you allow all comments is your call. Nothing should be permitted to shake your confidence. It takes a mountain of self confidence to deal with betrayal because it rocks our foundations. But equally, there will always be those that hold the opinion that we should have kicked them to the kerb. Well, hurrah for them, if it helps them! If you’ve reached the stage of no hope then this is probably your best line of thinking in order to survive.

        Your blog offers us hope. Personally I think it and you are bigger than all the no hopers. Marriage means something to us and that something is worth fighting for even though it wears us out at times.

        I know that you have good days and not so good days but I always feel that blog by blog you are forging meaning into a dreadful experience. Facing demons, sometimes lots of the f**kers, all over the place – but you are one strong, resilient, and loving woman.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. there will always be haters. Let them hate. It’s who they are. Personally, I would delete any hateful comment left on my blog. My blog is my turf, and I wouldn’t tolerate any disrespect, but you are obviously a better person than me 😉.
    *one fingered salute to the a-hole who left you feeling like you needed to defend yourself*
    C

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Yours was one of the first blogs I found last year, bleary eyed and afraid after discovering my own husbands affair. From the moment I started reading, I felt our compassion. Your ability to empathize. You never excuse your husbands affair, but you recognize that there was so much more going on than just a man wanting sex. No one knows your marriage, other than you and BE. Certainly not they monster of an other woman! Know yourself, know him and from there continue to make the decisions that offer you protection, peace and comfort. Choosing the path of forgiveness is HARD, but you do it so gracefully.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words, sweet girl. I do feel like we are in this together. We obviously have very different situations, but the belief in our marriages and our husbands is the same. We will continue doing the very best we can and I am proud of both of us! ❤

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  9. I think I’ve told you this before, but yours is one of many blogs that has kept me going, especially on the days when it seems darkest. This is not because I can’t make my own decisions, but because reinforcement that this path can be navigated successfully is always helpful!

    Unlike you, I don’t approve every comment. There are trolls who make comments that I find aren’t helpful or even thought-provoking, for myself or other readers, so they go to the trash. It’s one thing for another betrayed to agree with me on a day when I call H immature or selfish, but it’s quite another for someone who doesn’t even share their own story to be an armchair therapist and tell me to question my decisions.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmm, maybe I should just be a little more adaptable and only post comments that don’t piss me off. Yeah, that’s the ticket! At this point, I am not really up for a debate, just a safe place to share with likeminded (and respectful) people. Thank you for your kind words of support. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. When are we going to quit insisting I’m right, you’re wrong? I don’t get it. I don’t get why this happens on most everyone’s blog. I know the blog to which you are referring Kat. I like it. I read it. I read and like yours too just as much.

    Through my experience through this hell called betrayal I’ve found such solace in so many blogs. Heck there’s even an OW blog, very obnoxious BTW, that I gain insight and information from. I have never commented on this OW blog but trust me reading has opened up a whole insight into women who are AP and their misery (all brought on by their own ignorance and sense of entitlement). It’s all out there on this web.

    Personally I didn’t understand sex addiction at all until I started reading your blog. On DDay 2 my husband actually threw this term out on me. I.freaked.out!! I knew that if he truly were addicted I would not stay. But that was going to be MY decision. I’d been working so hard to work through the betrayal both as a couple and personally. I knew I would never be strong enough to work through someone’s addiction. I would have to walk away. So after a lot of MC and talks he figured out he wasn’t a sex addict but just your garden variety asshole!!! We’ve made a lot of progress and he’s been wonderful, but that’s not to say I don’t have my moments of wanting to run away from this relationship. He’s done so much damage and I’m constantly navigating the damage of his very poor choices.

    That said, I’m sorry some folks feel compelled to ridicule you and this blog. I hope you know you help a lot of people out there with your words. Like my friend said “opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.”

    Just as the other blogger states on her blog, people who go there know what she promotes. You don’t have to read it. It’s the same here. We know what this blog is about. You don’t like it, move on. And if you are an AP that wants support, there’s plenty out there for you too.

    I know you are not fazed by the mean people and will carry on. I wanted you to know how much you mean to me.

    Liked by 4 people

      • Thanks R4L. I think that there is no blog, therapist or advice that pertains 100% to our unique story or needs. There is no final authority on this experience. Just think, right now as I write this and you are reading this there are hundreds of people going through their own personal hell that those of us more seasoned veterans call DDay. They don’t even know what that word is yet but they sure as hell are feeling the effects of it right now, right this moment.

        For me it doesn’t make any difference if you stay or leave. If they have a one night stand or long term relationship. If it’s an addiction or narcissism. All that matters is we all are hurting and desperate for someone to hear us. To know we are not alone. I think all of us betrayed people deserve that respect and compassion and not criticisms.

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    • Thanks, TH. I enjoy reading comments from those who don’t have blogs. Sometimes, like this time, it gives me greater insight into who you are and what you have been through and where you are coming from. Thank you so much for validating my blog, and me, even if it is just in the cyber world. Obviously, I am not looking for answers to greater world problems here, just writing about my situation with my husband, my life. I have said before, I don’t read that other blog because it does not help me heal. I like to read stories, about real people, even if they are painful. I am also not a jump on the bandwagon kind of gal. I would be so frustrated reading it as I would always be the naysayer, the black sheep, the dissenting voice. I take it all too seriously, all the hate and venom (even if it is in the guise of funny euphemisms). She can say I am smoking “hopium” or whatever, but I feel good about the loving compassionate human being that I am. I have been referred to that blog numerous times. Not sure how someone reading my blog would think I would feel comfortable there or get anything out of it. I guess I don’t really consider what these commenters say as ridicule, but just misplaced sentiments regarding a person I care deeply about. It is disrespectful, in my mind, nothing I would do or say to anyone else. We have seen specialists, leaders in the field of sex addiction treatment and also treatment for sex addiction induced trauma, people who have devoted their lives to helping others with the disease and women like me, seriously affected. I read exactly three posts of the other blog and of course, I only read ones about sex addiction as I wanted to see if she had valid insight into the condition. My question was answered. I actually feel quite lucky that BE was diagnosed promptly and unequivocally. And yes, addiction is scary. When he was diagnosed, he had no idea really what sex addiction was. He didn’t want the label, but when he finally realized there were others like him, that he wasn’t alone, he felt better. The fellowship aspect has been so helpful. He wasn’t the only one who felt shame around his sexual acting out behaviors. Of course I wish he had felt such an overwhelming love for me that he would never do anything to hurt me, but we all know how that goes. I was not the only person BE was lying to about his secret life. I wish I could have seen his therapist’s face when BE told him the truth, after 5 years of lying to his face. It sounds like MC is working for you guys. I am curious, where did your husband get the idea of sex addiction and why did he associate with it? Why was it a deal killer for you?

      Also, I followed a bunch of OW/AP blogs for a pretty long time. I read most of them “cover to cover” and wondered why they couldn’t see they were heading for a train wreck, it seemed so obvious. But then again, readers could say the same about me, and obviously they do. How can she not see that there is no hope for her husband… he will cheat again. The difference, in my mind, is I have worked on myself. Eyes wide open. I am not delusional. I have no control over what my husband does, but I have control over how I react. I know the risks and am making choices based on the reality I know today. Thanks for following. It takes a village. xoxo

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  11. You are one amazing lady! We all need second chances in life- with little things and large things. Your love for life and your family is a great example for us here. Thank you for sharing your story- A

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, A. Your comments and the comments of so many others have kept me here, blogging. It is a great outlet for me and I don’t want to abandon it because a handful of people don’t respect the decisions I have carefully made about my own life. The comments don’t make me question my decisions, they just leave me frustrated with how the world works sometimes. xoxo

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