We’re still in Japan, having a wonderful time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the betrayal. There are so many triggers everywhere. Those who read my blog know what I have been going through the past 22 months. First there was discovery, a harrowing phone call and all the revelations that followed regarding my husband’s secret life, including three week-long trips to Japan over five years, but also decades of unresolved trauma from abuse. Then there was my trauma, months and months of trauma. Now that we are approaching the two-year mark of that fateful day, the day my husband’s story was revealed, I am in a place where I feel I know the truth and I make decisions about my life using that truth. I will never know everything. I don’t believe we ever truly know another human being, and that was a sad and disheartening lesson learned through all this. But I know enough to make choices about my life going forward. I have decided to stay with my husband as he becomes the person he wants to be, the person I thought he was all along. That is my decision today.
When I started this blog on October 3, 2014, I was not new to blogging. I have had a personal blog since 2008. On that blog my posts were about family, and travel, and food, and gardening, and almost all good things. I did not know at the time that my words and photos were being obsessively read and viewed by a woman who was having sex with my husband. I have stopped writing on that blog. At one point I made it private, but that is not me. I am not a private person. I am a sharing and giving and caring person. I don’t care, however, if the other woman knows about my life and my family. Truth is, she knew about us all along and she didn’t care. I am not going to run and hide from that crazy bitch. After d-day, however, I didn’t feel like writing on that blog because I wasn’t happy anymore and that was a happy blog. So I kept a journal of what was really going on in my life and then I started this blog, which was always intended to be me, writing out my story, as it was, and is, and hopefully freeing myself of some of the most painful feelings. I did not know I would be joining a blogging community. I did not know I would make friends through my blog. I also, ignorantly, did not know there would be people who would comment on my life, or my husband, and I did not know that some would speak cruel words with seemingly no care or remorse. The anonymity of the internet does funny things to people, or maybe there are just a lot of cruel people out there. I don’t know many people who behave so badly in real life.
There are a few things I know about my husband. Blue Eyes is a sex addict. I have written about it here enough that I don’t feel like I need to explain it in detail again. Blue Eyes used sex to cope with life. He kept it a secret because he was ashamed. Ashamed of it all, the masturbation from childhood, the porn viewing, and of course, eventually, the extramarital sex. He didn’t nurture relationships, he pursued his drug. That’s it. Nothing anyone writes in a comment here will change my mind about what I have seen, and what I have heard, and what I have experienced in this grueling process of discovery, and recovery. I questioned it all myself, for months. It took hours and hours of trauma therapy to realize I am strong enough to make my own decisions about my life.
I do truly appreciate the dialogue created here in the blogging community, and on my blog. I do not, however, appreciate comments that are mean spirited, seemingly out of sheer ignorance, and then left to sit there like a piece of trash. I post everything. I have never deleted a comment. As most of my followers know, I respond to nearly every single comment. This is me. This is my life.
I understand that people do not know my husband, and do not understand sex addiction. My blog was not created to educate people or to convert people to my way of thinking, but if we are talking about me, my husband, or my life, give me a little fucking respect. I assure you, if you were living with a sex addict, you would see my world a little clearer. Early on I read a lot about sex addiction. I know there are sex addicts who do not recover, lots of them. That does not mean sex addiction isn’t real. I also know that a lot of people have heard that sex addiction is just the “excuse of the moment.” Another excuse for being bad. There are a lot of sex addicts. Being a sex addict is not an excuse for bad behavior. Geez, I feel like I sound like a broken record. The diagnosis of sex addict is a prescription for a path to recovery. Some take it, some don’t. Some call “it” something else entirely because that makes more sense to them. Great. Go for it. This is our life. Give us the same respect. With what I have read on some blogs, it is no wonder many addicts are further humiliated when they finally feel like they have a validation for their pain. Yep, it’s pain. Whether we all want to admit it or not. It is just like any other addiction. It is not a “handy label.” Sex addicts do go through withdrawal, not “withdrawal from sex,” but withdrawal from having a drug to cope with the life they cannot cope with. As a matter of fucking fact, a lot of sex addicts we have met turn to drugs, alcohol, and food when they stop feeding their “disease” (yep, I’m calling it a disease). Many sex addicts have other addictions already. I am putting quotes around a lot of this because these phrases are actually coming from a very popular blog where someone who knows absolutely nothing about sex addiction actually writes about it. For every person she quotes in her blog, there are dozens of experts who can refute her words. But I am not here to convince anyone. I am merely pointing out how difficult it is to help yourself when the world is wanting to destroy you because they don’t like what you have done with your penis (or vagina). It is so so so much more than that. Do sex addicts cause pain? Yep. It is one of those sick things in life, where people who were abused turn around and abuse others. It happens. It happens a lot.
So, this other blogger who shall remain nameless believes that no matter what is wrong with a cheater, whether they call themselves a “sex addict” or not, we should all abandon them, immediately. No second chances. No compassion. No understanding, especially if they need “years and years of therapy” and she has a lot of followers and a few of them have found their way here, to my blog. I don’t want to delete comments, even frustrating ones, that people spend time writing, but I will use my blog to discuss why I do not like it and also reiterate that I have already made the choice to stay. I do not believe that abandoning my best friend is the better course of action for today.
Peace and love to everyone. ❤