After my heart was ripped out by my son’s words, and my husband read the script to me, and I burst into tears asking him where I fit in?, Blue Eyes put his face in his hands and wept. His body shook as he was wracked with sobs. The difference between my sobs and his… they end, rather quickly. Mine can go on for hours. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be pushed to that place where I can’t control the agony.
I reiterated how not special I feel when he goes from indulging himself in sick, secret fantasy sex for years, to throwing himself into addiction recovery, all the while I stand by, waiting for the man he told me he was. All the while taking for granted the fact that I didn’t hurt him. I didn’t abandon him. I didn’t even deny him that sex, love, and affection he so carelessly disrespected and stomped on when he lied about me. I am not a robot, a Stepford wife, or a blow up doll. I cannot just idly stand by being ignored. I will no longer be taken for granted. I am worth so very much more than that.
He got down on his knees in front of my chair and begged for another chance. He believes he would not have survived this long if not for my undying love and support. Apparently it took me doing everything I did over those two days, and going through a shit storm of pain, frustration, anger, and further humiliation at the sound of his careless and callous words to the other woman, for him to realize I am here, I am irreplacable, and I am not to be ignored. But wait, has he really figured that out already? Well, not likely, but he is working on it.
Friday night did not just miraculously right itself. We ate, as a family, the baked chicken dinner I had prepared. Me with my puffy eyes, Blue Eyes and The Peacemaker trying to lighten my mood. We cleaned the kitchen together. Blue Eyes had really been wanting to see the movie, The Intern, with Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway. I agreed hoping it would take my mind off everything. Not.so.much. Because for anyone who has seen the movie (and I’ll try not to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t)… there is CHEATING. OMG! Can we not watch one single TV show or movie without cheating rearing it’s ugly head. I sat there, holding my breath. I could see it coming before it happened. In an otherwise benign little movie, CHEATING. Selfish, self centered, evil, rotten, CHEATING. Blue Eyes saw it coming just about 30 seconds AFTER I did. He apologized over and over and asked if I wanted him to turn it off. I just numbly shook my head no and finished watching it. They wrapped the movie all up in a nice pretty Hollywood style bow and all was fine in the end. The movie itself was pretty meh for me, with or without the cheating, but for fuck’s sake, what is this infatuation with cheating. If only the repercussions of cheating were that simply mended. If only life were that easy. If only we all had the stunted emotions of a shallow character, and a storyline that had to be shoved into 120 minutes of “entertainment.”
My melancholy mood followed me to bed, but I didn’t sleep on the couch this time. I slept next to Blue Eyes’ warm body, that is, when I finally was able to fall asleep. It took me a while to calm those lingering thoughts and feelings in my head, and the tears continued to roll. I need to feel special by the man I have devoted so much time and effort to. I need to know I am not wasting my life on a man I have committed to even though he has lied to me, lied about me, betrayed me, and ignored me. I love him. But me loving him is just not enough.
I finally drifted off to sleep and we both slept in. When I woke up, I could feel that my eyes were swollen shut. I was supposed to go to my second beginner’s yoga class, but there was just no way. Everything was blurry and I looked like I had been punched in the face. I spent the afternoon with packs on my eyes. Blue Eyes was very attentive. We made breakfast together. We exercised together. He really didn’t leave my side, but in a good way. Honestly, Blue Eyes is really not a bad guy, at all. If he hadn’t cheated on me multiple times, and lied about me to a desperate and sick woman, and then trickle truth’d me to death for a year, I would say he is an excellent husband. Unfortunately… well y’all know the rest of that sentence.
That evening my tears were a distant memory and my eyes were almost completely back to normal, and we went to a late movie as a family. It was fun. Blue Eyes and I held hands. We always hold hands at the movies. I longed to be dipping my fingers into a big bag of extra buttery popcorn, but that is definitely not allowed on the Whole30. On Sunday morning some of my family visited for a couple hours and I just wasn’t feeling up to it. Blue Eyes entertained them while I stayed in my room. I feel much better now. There are no lingering bad feelings about how long it took Blue Eyes to answer my difficult question the other day. I knew it would be tough for him to go to that place, just because I asked him to. That was the point. He eventually did it and I think in the end he felt my pain and he understood how alone he makes me feel sometimes. I know he doesn’t intend to, but he does. He knows he needs to step up his game and I need to know and feel in the deepest parts of me that he really wants this marriage and he knows how hard he has to work to repair some of the damage he has done. He can never repair all the damage. It just isn’t possible. But he sure as hell can try.
So, where do I fit into Blue Eyes’ life? I’m pretty sure he would say I fit in right there at the top of his priorities, now. That he never wants me to feel un-special again. That I am the most important relationship he will ever have and if he fucks this up, it’s like he had the winning lottery ticket, but flushed it down the toilet. And that would really suck!