Where do I fit in?

After my heart was ripped out by my son’s words, and my husband read the script to me, and I burst into tears asking him where I fit in?, Blue Eyes put his face in his hands and wept. His body shook as he was wracked with sobs. The difference between my sobs and his… they end, rather quickly. Mine can go on for hours. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be pushed to that place where I can’t control the agony.

I reiterated how not special I feel when he goes from indulging himself in sick, secret fantasy sex for years, to throwing himself into addiction recovery, all the while I stand by, waiting for the man he told me he was. All the while taking for granted the fact that I didn’t hurt him. I didn’t abandon him. I didn’t even deny him that sex, love, and affection he so carelessly disrespected and stomped on when he lied about me. I am not a robot, a Stepford wife, or a blow up doll. I cannot just idly stand by being ignored. I will no longer be taken for granted. I am worth so very much more than that.

He got down on his knees in front of my chair and begged for another chance. He believes he would not have survived this long if not for my undying love and support. Apparently it took me doing everything I did over those two days, and going through a shit storm of pain, frustration, anger, and further humiliation at the sound of his careless and callous words to the other woman, for him to realize I am here, I am irreplacable, and I am not to be ignored. But wait, has he really figured that out already? Well, not likely, but he is working on it.

Friday night did not just miraculously right itself. We ate, as a family, the baked chicken dinner I had prepared. Me with my puffy eyes, Blue Eyes and The Peacemaker trying to lighten my mood. We cleaned the kitchen together. Blue Eyes had really been wanting to see the movie, The Intern, with Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway. I agreed hoping it would take my mind off everything. Not.so.much. Because for anyone who has seen the movie (and I’ll try not to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t)… there is CHEATING. OMG! Can we not watch one single TV show or movie without cheating rearing it’s ugly head. I sat there, holding my breath. I could see it coming before it happened. In an otherwise benign little movie, CHEATING. Selfish, self centered, evil, rotten, CHEATING. Blue Eyes saw it coming just about 30 seconds AFTER I did. He apologized over and over and asked if I wanted him to turn it off. I just numbly shook my head no and finished watching it. They wrapped the movie all up in a nice pretty Hollywood style bow and all was fine in the end. The movie itself was pretty meh for me, with or without the cheating, but for fuck’s sake, what is this infatuation with cheating. If only the repercussions of cheating were that simply mended. If only life were that easy. If only we all had the stunted emotions of a shallow character, and a storyline that had to be shoved into 120 minutes of “entertainment.”

My melancholy mood followed me to bed, but I didn’t sleep on the couch this time. I slept next to Blue Eyes’ warm body, that is, when I finally was able to fall asleep. It took me a while to calm those lingering thoughts and feelings in my head, and the tears continued to roll. I need to feel special by the man I have devoted so much time and effort to. I need to know I am not wasting my life on a man I have committed to even though he has lied to me, lied about me, betrayed me, and ignored me. I love him. But me loving him is just not enough.

I finally drifted off to sleep and we both slept in. When I woke up, I could feel that my eyes were swollen shut. I was supposed to go to my second beginner’s yoga class, but there was just no way. Everything was blurry and I looked like I had been punched in the face. I spent the afternoon with packs on my eyes. Blue Eyes was very attentive. We made breakfast together. We exercised together. He really didn’t leave my side, but in a good way. Honestly, Blue Eyes is really not a bad guy, at all. If he hadn’t cheated on me multiple times, and lied about me to a desperate and sick woman, and then trickle truth’d me to death for a year, I would say he is an excellent husband. Unfortunately… well y’all know the rest of that sentence.

That evening my tears were a distant memory and my eyes were almost completely back to normal, and we went to a late movie as a family. It was fun. Blue Eyes and I held hands. We always hold hands at the movies. I longed to be dipping my fingers into a big bag of extra buttery popcorn, but that is definitely not allowed on the Whole30. On Sunday morning some of my family visited for a couple hours and I just wasn’t feeling up to it. Blue Eyes entertained them while I stayed in my room. I feel much better now. There are no lingering bad feelings about how long it took Blue Eyes to answer my difficult question the other day. I knew it would be tough for him to go to that place, just because I asked him to. That was the point. He eventually did it and I think in the end he felt my pain and he understood how alone he makes me feel sometimes. I know he doesn’t intend to, but he does. He knows he needs to step up his game and I need to know and feel in the deepest parts of me that he really wants this marriage and he knows how hard he has to work to repair some of the damage he has done. He can never repair all the damage. It just isn’t possible. But he sure as hell can try.

So, where do I fit into Blue Eyes’ life? I’m pretty sure he would say I fit in right there at the top of his priorities, now. That he never wants me to feel un-special again. That I am the most important relationship he will ever have and if he fucks this up, it’s like he had the winning lottery ticket, but flushed it down the toilet. And that would really suck!

32 thoughts on “Where do I fit in?

  1. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. Both the pain and the joy. The exchange between them and the knowledge that he wasn’t able to be open and honest immediately with you are painful. There is progress here though. It wasn’t immediate as you needed, but he did do as you asked. Slow progress is still progress. I hope this experience leads to better understanding of each other and growth. Either way, you asserted your boundaries. It sounds like you got his attention.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, with each painful conversation, there is some kind of healing, one way or the other. I have thought often about just shutting down. Not communicated with him, leaving him to work exclusively on his recovery, but then, I realize that is not fair to me. Our partnership, especially after what he has done, cannot just sit idly by, stagnant. I cannot sit idly by being deprived of what I need. If that is the case, I should be alone. I got his attention, but unfortunately it does take him quite a while to actually “get” the concepts. More than anything I need to learn greater patience as I do believe he has it in him to eventually get to a place where he can actually be a viable partner, one who shares and is open and honest about his feelings, about everything.

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  2. I totally understand the need to know more about conversations and such between BE and OW. I have been hoping for a similar dialogue with my husband. After reading through your experience, I’m wondering if I’m fooling myself. Maybe I’m still looking for THE thing to help me move on. I can’t stand the thought that my husband will always have secrets that were shared with someone else. There is no way for me to know everything that went on, everything that was said. I just have to accept it, but it’s freakin’ hard to do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is so difficult to realize we will never know all the secrets and it is important to be able to move forward anyway. The nitty gritty details are not important in the scheme of things. This was a very painful experience, but it was not about what he was going to say, or even what he said, but that he not deflect when confronted with a difficult question by me. He was struggling, had been struggling since his surgery. I could feel it in my bones. It worried me. I needed him to show me he could be open and honest. I picked a tough topic. He failed me. I have another post to write that brings a little more clarity to what was going on inside me, and inside him. We were up until 3:30am this morning getting to the bottom of his instability and my anxiety around it. All I can say is, you don’t need all the information, but you do need to feel safe in the fact that he can now be open, honest, and tell you the truth when you ask for it. xxx

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  3. I am surprised I have a tongue left at all, given how many times I have had to bite it to keep from making snarky comments when we watch TV shows/movies together. Every episode, every movie, each and every time has some reference to broken marriages, betrayal, and cheating. And, I catch every single one of the lines, or references. The big question is…I wonder if my husband does?

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    • I bet he does. I am a big talker, so I would always bring up the cheating in shows we watched… talk about how much it would hurt. Talk about how wrong it was. Actually, I never shut up. My husband never said a word. I asked him after d-day, about a couple of specific incidences where I remember pointing out the cheating and he said he just felt awful knowing he was the lying, cheating, coward that I despised from the television. What a horrid life to live in secret.

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  4. Question here. Since when is it OUR job to disentangle our fucked up husband’s from THEIR seemingly fucked up childhoods?

    Lots of people have fucked up parents and childhoods and YET they don’t turn into assholes!! Matter of fact I’d dare to say MOST people have fucked up childhoods and turn into wonderfully respectful people.

    Kat I can’t imagine the pain you felt hearing BE actually read that list to you. There are times I think of questions that I imagine I need the answers to in order to “move on” or heal. But then I give myself sometime and really think if I need to hear that answer because once you hear it you can’t unhear it!

    We are all different though and I hope this painful episode brings you closer to healing.

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    • It did help me. And actually the conversation didn’t end there. There is more to write… it seems I will never run out of words, but I am trying to keep my posts shorter. If you read my earlier posts when I was still trying to figure out sex addiction, you know I came to the distinct conclusion that some people are more vulnerable. Perhaps they even have an addict gene. My sister and I have the same basic childhood, although she is 5 1/2 years younger. After years of therapy and being an addict and then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, the therapists think her first traumatic life event (there have been many) was the divorce of our parents and then subsequently being stripped from my mother’s arms and being shuttled back and forth between two homes. I do not have the same disorders or addictions. We did not have a bad childhood in my opinion, and yet, she suffers.

      I don’t look at it as my job to disentangle my husband from his messed up childhood, but I do feel like as his partner, I really want to understand why he has so much trouble coping with his life as an adult, and all of that does stem from his childhood. He works on this with his therapist each week, but I live with him every day. It is obvious when he struggles. I don’t struggle from the same issues, so I will always expect him to be like me… truth is, he will never be like me. But, he does need to learn how to cope without using destructive drugs. I am not the kind of person who can walk a parallel path with him and not look over to see what is going on. I want to be there with him, on his path, and in turn, him on mine. I feel that is crucial to our partnership. I don’t want to feel alone, and I don’t want him to feel alone as we heal.

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        • No worries. You didn’t sound terse… I of all people know how difficult it is to try and figure out how this human that we trusted could hurt us so badly. On most days, it just doesn’t make any sense. I hope you have a better day very soon! xxx

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          • Thanks Kat. You know I think after reading your two posts I got triggered. It really rankles me when I think about it. Not only did they have sex, (which in and of itself should be enough right??), but they fucking lied and gossiped about us!!! Gossiped like little sophomore girls in high school!!! I’ve never gossiped about my h. Never and of course I know why to “justify”, make themselves look like the good guys to the AP, doesn’t matter the excuse. They were total assholes to do that!

            While I don’t have the exact words my H used during the entire almost 4 years of their affair, I have seen enough!! And besides, cheaters aren’t exactly different or cleaver. They all tend to use the same language so I’m pretty sure a conversation such as you quoted your H had with the AP is probably the same one mine had. And it pisses me off. LOL I actually have a tape back up of our business network that may or may not have the emails he deleted on it. All I would have to do is hire an IT person to get those for me. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. I also have all his old phones that I may or may not be able to get the texts off. Again maybe not worth it.

            I think I’m getting to the point that I really DON”T want any more details and I’m sick of even thinking of it. Doesn’t mean I don’t get pissed once in a while. I don’t know if I could make him give me a verbatim quoting like BE did for you. Besides I think it would take me back to square one. All I need to know is, he did all the above and he was a freaking asshole for doing it. Is he an asshole now? Doesn’t seem to be, but who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men??? Obviously, LOTS 🙂

            I wish you the best. I think you are doing a great job handling your own healing and I admire you for it.

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            • I am of the opinion that although the sex was a particularly painful part of my partner’s affair, that ye emotional connection is the hardest to bear. And he swears he never had the kind of conversation with her that BE did to retain access to his drug. He told her he loved me and was very confused about what he was doing. He says he never used the word love with her. I actually tend to believe him. However, he used to share so much of his life, his feelings, his daily activities, etc, with her on the end of a text or phone conversation. That rips what is left of my heart to shreds. The attachment to someone else is the most aching aspect for me. Yes, I am still traumatised by the sex acts. But to lead me up the garden path, believing an entirely fictitious reality, is agonisingly cruel.

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              • Well, we’ve had this conversation before… BE tosses the word love around like candy flying out of a piñata. I don’t put any stock in that phrase. It is how they behave, not what they say that matters. Likewise, I metabolized the sex acts a long time ago. What really matters to me now is how he behaves towards me after having devastated my world. He’s working on it…

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                • Thanks Kat. I should have mentioned that I was replying to tryinghard 🙂 That said, I know large part of my non-recovery is due to just what you say here. Roger is also very present, he looks back in horror at his selfish and downright cruel behaviour in horror. I can’t seem to get fully in the present. I have mentioned before that I am pretty risk averse. My subconscious takes a mighty amount of convincing to agree to expose myself to a proven liar and cheat, EVEN THOUGH consciously, I know that behaviour is in the past, and that he has done, and continues to do the work required to be mindful and considerate. Like you say about your sister, some of us are hard-wired (genetically) to act or react in a certain way, and I am afraid I might just be one that will never quite manage this shit, to manouvre it into the past, where it belongs. It is a daunting and exhausting battle, wrestling this dragon constantly. So over it, was years ago, but seem to have no real choice – it won’t go “pouff” into thin air, dammit. In the meantime, I practice ACT, and keep trying to pack a little good around the mountain of shit!

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            • Tryinghard, I do think there comes a point where we have enough information to know what transpired and if we want to salvage the marriage, what really matters is what they are doing today. And that is where I get stuck. His recovery is long and arduous and sometimes I just don’t fit into it. That hurts. How could he treat me with such disregard then? It is mind boggling, but it is when he continues to ignore my needs that I question my choice to stay in the marriage. This is a painful process and I know that, but I have to keep striving for what I need in all this. When one person sucks so much of the attention in what should otherwise be a fairly equal partnership, the scales are dangerously off balance. We’re still working on this. But yeah, all those horrible things they said to keep the madness going, don’t matter anymore. xxx

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  5. Your comment about cheating being in the movie — my husband said something over our full-of-fighting weekend where he said he wanted to be able to watch something even if it had cheating in it without it sending me in to a depression. What pisses me off about cheating in movies and TV is so often it is presented as FUN! SEXY! INTOXICATING! PASSIONATE! And my experience of cheating is so different — devastating, ugly, and unhealthy. So no, I can’t watch a show that tries to glamourize a behavior that I find despicable, no more than I would cheer on a movie that tries to make alcoholism sexy. Not working on this lady.

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    • Me either, lady. Cheating is not glamorous or sexy and it has never sat well with me. Now, with everything I know and everything I have been through, watching it frivolously splashed before my eyes daily, it is nauseating. Interestingly, my husband is more traumatized by it these days than I am. The realization of the impact of what he has done has set in and it is no longer just uncomfortable for me, but for him too.

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  6. I remember what it feels to wake up with eyes like that, feeling totally broken and worn out. You dont deserve that. I feel so sad to hear about all these feelings you are going through. Sometimes it feels like everything is going to be fine, that you feel in control again, then …. No. This is natural, but also horrible. My heart is with you. ❤️

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    • While I agree that if BE, like my husband and the majority of husband’s that do have affairs, wasn’t caught he would still be continuing the affair that doesn’t mean he was happy with his affair. There’s a number of reasons men continue to stay- addiction, fear, blackmail, not knowing how to get our, etc.

      While I honesty believe I could never have an affair. I also never thought I could become the physically violent bitch that I became towards my husband when I discovered his affair- especially in front of my children.

      I would never want my failing in front of them in my anger to be what defines me forever in Thrir eyes. We all fuck up. We all need grace and if all we do is keep score, place us above them and say you are a fuck up and you can never move past that and I can never move past that, we will just be a sorry lot.

      If someone is trying and trying as best as they can and all they hear is- you’re still not good enough why would they have any hope to continue if it seems like it will never make a difference.

      My husband fucked up and broke my heart. He is not a fuck up and I refuse to live my life broken, and if I think he’s a good man and Kat thinks her husband is still a good man- I don’t think anyone else has a right to say anything different. I know my husband- he is a good man, and despite the bumps in recovery I will encourage him in that direction. That’s what I would want if I was in his shoes.

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      • You made me laugh when you called yourself a physically, abusive bitch. I don’t blame you but you’re right…probably shouldn’t have done it in front of your children…but sometimes, rage is stronger than common sense, so I understand.
        You say you agree that if these men weren’t “caught” they would still be doing the same thing, yet you offer excuses (and valid ones at that) but if they had been faithful to begin with, it wouldn’t be an issue.
        And, I always thought Loser was a “good man.” He made a mistake but for me, it was a fatal mistake. Yes, he broke my heart, too but I still defended him (just as you are doing) for YEARS. I told my children that they were not to hate him because he was a “good man” who had made a mistake.
        I found out later just exactly what kind of “good man” he WASN’T.
        If I angered you, I apologize but I’m entitled to my opinion, just as you are.

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        • You don’t have to apologize- you didn’t anger me. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I can see how it affects how you see the process of recovering from an affair. I don’t think you are trying to be malicious towards wayward spouses or that you think wives who stay are foolish. It’s a simple fact that our experiences shape us. I used to love attending weddings- now they make me sick. I tend to roll my eyes when I see lovey dovey couples- because when you’re husband has an affair all those things lose their polish significantly. I’m not making excuses for spouses who cheat- there is no good reason, but once they make the stupid choice I can see how, unless they’re a complete asshole, it might be difficult to end it.

          I wish my husband was a lot of different things while the affair was going on, but the truth is that he was a selfish coward. He was never going to be the guy who came foward and confessed it on his own. He a pathetic. But right now he isn’t- he is trying hard. I have no guarantees that he won’t hurt me in the future but right now all I can do is take each day as it comes, and for a year now he’s shown me that I matter more than his addiction.

          You’ve been hurt and when you’re husband could have made it right he chose to continue being a fool. But that doesn’t mean every husband will be the same. You deserved better and I wish your husband did better. I wish that for all of us who have been hurt so badly. I just want you to know we’re on the same side. We may disagree but I’m proud of you and every other spouse who goes through this and works so hard to get through it.

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          • UGH. Weddings ( I had to suffer through two of my daughters’ weddings and it was torture)….seeing a lovey, dovey couple immediately prompts the thought “I wonder if he has cheated on her and if so, does she know? I wonder if he has given her a disease and if so, did he bother to tell her?”
            If your husband is remorseful and is truly trying to make amends, you and he have my full support and true wishes for success. When a man is willing to show you that you matter more than some tramp or an addiction, then he DOES have value. Loser expected me to just forget about it because he was such a “fine man” (in his own eyes.) I was never right for him. I had honor. He and his tramps didn’t have an ounce of honor. That makes for a very successful relationship when you have two people who have no morals but it makes for a wasted life when only one of them does.
            As far as wives who stay…no, I would never judge them. I am just afraid for them and don’t want them to be on the path to healing and then get broadsided again.

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            • Laurel, my husband is truly trying to make amends and he is remorseful. Recovering from addiction doesn’t happen overnight. Changing ingrained patterns stemming from childhood doesn’t happen overnight. Just like with alcoholics, a little stint in rehab doesn’t solve the problem. It takes years and years of reshaping their thinking, incorporating positive reinforcement, understanding why they do what they do and in the process of that much focus on themselves, sometimes others get lost. I don’t intend to get lost in this journey. I love my husband and he is a good man and he is trying very hard to be an even better man, but this is new to him. It is a learning curve for both of us. Trauma doesn’t just vanish overnight. Three years ago I wouldn’t even have noticed my husband’s changing moods… we are different people now. This is less about him getting caught than it is about him wanting to change. The thing about sex addicts, they don’t change until they recognize for themselves that they were never able to manage their addiction. For years they go along thinking this is the last time, they will never do these shameful things again, but they have been using their drug to cope for decades. It takes rigorous dedication to recovery to heal. BE is working it. If life were peachy and perfect, I’d be writing a food blog.

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              • LOL. A food blog. It sounds like you are both well on the way to recovery and i do so hope for the best. He’s wonderful for trying and you are even more wonderful for giving him a second chance.
                i couldn’t give Loser another chance. I don’t think I loved him enough. Sigh.

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    • No, he’s not a bad guy. He did bad things, but he is not a bad guy. For me, this is an important distinction. He also did good things, many many good things for many years and he continues to do so. Otherwise, I would still be married to him.

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