I keep writing on my blog because I still love to write, it still helps me metabolize my feelings, and you guys are still out there. There are new betrayed spouses and spouses of sex addicts arriving at a daily pace. It makes me sad, but I also realize there is a need for people to know they are not alone in this. Immediately after finding out about my husband’s cheating I went online asking those age old questions. I don’t even need to list the terms I googled because we all know what we frantically and obsessively searched in those first traumatic moments post discovery.
Then when Blue Eyes was diagnosed as a sex addict, I was even more lost. There is a confusing mess of theories and speculations out there to get caught up in. What I wanted was to find someone like me. Someone who was just as hurt and confused. I have to say, at the time, I didn’t find much in terms of wives of sex addicts, and almost nothing related to wives of sex addicts who were still with their husbands. I found lots and lots of wonderful blogs written by men and women who had been cheated on, and then also lots of blogs by cheaters, either the one doing it, or the one the cheaters are doing it with, the others. Of late, I have been calling them disposable fuck buddies. Perusing the volume of erotica that is also available on WordPress blogs, I would venture to say some of these fuck buddies are very proud of their status. Unfortunately, although I would like to just toss sex into a category of fun, like say, going to the fair, or traveling to a foreign country, in my marriage, sexual intimacy used to mean something. Now it means a whole lot less, still doesn’t make me want to go out and write blog entries about my sex life. It doesn’t entice me into having sex with strangers, or writing out a detailed description of the first time I partook in a three-way (I didn’t, but I can write fiction as well as the next gal). Call me a prude, but I don’t get off on reading about other people being sexually promiscuous. The bigger problem, however, was this concept of lies and betrayal within my partnership and the fact that my husband was living a secret life filled with shame, fear, and infidelity and I wasn’t seeing much written about that.
Not being able to find current blogs written by wives of sex addicts (or even the sex addicts themselves) was probably one of the reasons it took me months and months to post my journal entries. I wrote and wrote and read and read, but it was a good eight+ months post discovery before I got up the nerve to post my first entry. My story wasn’t like the others I had read. I had no idea how this whole thing works. I mean I knew how blogs worked, I had had a personal family blog (non-anonymous) for about five years. I probably had a total of 40 followers, all close friends or family, and apparently an enemy or two, but I was oblivious to all that. I had no idea what it would be like to write anonymously. I am not someone who likes to hide behind a made up name, although Blue Eyes does call me Kat sometimes now. As common as it is, it is not my real name, but close. At first, I often typed in Blue Eyes’ real name, because that was what was in my journal entries, and also how I really know him, but now, now he is also Blue Eyes. Even though it is anonymous, my blog represents our real life. And our real life is a continuing journey through a marriage scarred with sex addiction, infidelity, lies, gas lighting, and betrayal.
I am incredibly proud of both of us at this point as we have embraced healing and recovery. However, neither of us is fixed. This is a long process. I no longer cry in the same deep, sobbing way. The mind movies completely stopped months ago. I still have nightmares, but I rarely remember anything. I still question some of my husband’s behavior and how he could possibly do some of the things he does knowing how he robbed me of my story with his secret life full of lies, but the more practical part of me knows this will all take more time. No one is perfect and I would be delusional if I thought he could change all of his behaviors overnight, poof, just like that… a normal functioning human being. Nope. That doesn’t mean some of his behaviors don’t torment me, especially with all his past secrets laid out in front of me. We have years to go before the deepest wounds heal within me, and also within him.
July has been a bit of a rough month. Blue Eyes is incredibly busy at work. As I have mentioned, warm summer days can be a trigger to him. Deep down he still has those feelings that he deserves a “treat.” He allowed himself to believe that merely living his life, the life he created for himself, was deserving of some kind of reward. Treats in the past were hits, porn, grooming, merely walking down the street eyeing vulnerable and often scantily clad women. The worst of the worst included him concocting a reason to take a business trip so he could contact the other woman. She was always there, ready to provide a sexual hit. It’s not pretty. Sex addiction is not fun and it is not titillating. It is like you have an evil machine inside you negating the better parts of you and controlling your brain so that you do things you cannot imagine yourself ever doing, if you let it, and then you make excuses for yourself, and lie to cover up lies to cover up lies. It’s horrifying. Blue Eyes is very aware now of the sorts of things that would have sent him to his addiction in the past. I think it scares him a little that he has come so far and yet the triggers for him are still so temptingly close to his daily routine. He has remained steadfast in his recovery and I appreciate that he shares his struggles with me. I have asked for open two way communication and he is giving it. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t trip and fall some days. He still has trouble shoving his own fear and shame out of the way in order to see how things affect me, but he is getting better. Progress not perfection, as they say.
We leave tomorrow for a little getaway celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary. I read about a lot of betrayeds who don’t acknowledge their anniversary any more. I think I am in the minority in that I do, now, enjoy celebrating our anniversary. The first anniversary post dday (2014) was rough. Last year was a little easier although still a bit traumatic. This year I feel like I have crossed the threshold. We have been on a 32 year journey together. We waited nearly five years before walking down the aisle. We had another two short years together before we had children. I was so excited for our empty nest. I wanted our coupleship back. I wanted us to thrive in our post childrearing years. I still very much want that. Of course I did not want discovery day to be part of my story and I didn’t want lies, betrayal, and addiction to be part of my story, but it is, and I can’t change that. I kept my vows. I was the person I presented to Blue Eyes from day one. I have put in 32 long years, nearly 27 of them fighting for a marriage that was rarely ever easy. I wasn’t unhappy. I knew the fight was worth it. I still believe it is.
Happy Anniversary, Blue Eyes. ❤