I keep writing

typing

I keep writing on my blog because I still love to write, it still helps me metabolize my feelings, and you guys are still out there. There are new betrayed spouses and spouses of sex addicts arriving at a daily pace. It makes me sad, but I also realize there is a need for people to know they are not alone in this. Immediately after finding out about my husband’s cheating I went online asking those age old questions. I don’t even need to list the terms I googled because we all know what we frantically and obsessively searched in those first traumatic moments post discovery.

Then when Blue Eyes was diagnosed as a sex addict, I was even more lost. There is a confusing mess of theories and speculations out there to get caught up in. What I wanted was to find someone like me. Someone who was just as hurt and confused. I have to say, at the time, I didn’t find much in terms of wives of sex addicts, and almost nothing related to wives of sex addicts who were still with their husbands. I found lots and lots of wonderful blogs written by men and women who had been cheated on, and then also lots of blogs by cheaters, either the one doing it, or the one the cheaters are doing it with, the others. Of late, I have been calling them disposable fuck buddies. Perusing the volume of erotica that is also available on WordPress blogs, I would venture to say some of these fuck buddies are very proud of their status. Unfortunately, although I would like to just toss sex into a category of fun, like say, going to the fair, or traveling to a foreign country, in my marriage, sexual intimacy used to mean something. Now it means a whole lot less, still doesn’t make me want to go out and write blog entries about my sex life. It doesn’t entice me into having sex with strangers, or writing out a detailed description of the first time I partook in a three-way (I didn’t, but I can write fiction as well as the next gal). Call me a prude, but I don’t get off on reading about other people being sexually promiscuous. The bigger problem, however, was this concept of lies and betrayal within my partnership and the fact that my husband was living a secret life filled with shame, fear, and infidelity and I wasn’t seeing much written about that.

Not being able to find current blogs written by wives of sex addicts (or even the sex addicts themselves) was probably one of the reasons it took me months and months to post my journal entries. I wrote and wrote and read and read, but it was a good eight+ months post discovery before I got up the nerve to post my first entry. My story wasn’t like the others I had read. I had no idea how this whole thing works. I mean I knew how blogs worked, I had had a personal family blog (non-anonymous) for about five years. I probably had a total of 40 followers, all close friends or family, and apparently an enemy or two, but I was oblivious to all that. I had no idea what it would be like to write anonymously. I am not someone who likes to hide behind a made up name, although Blue Eyes does call me Kat sometimes now. As common as it is, it is not my real name, but close. At first, I often typed in Blue Eyes’ real name, because that was what was in my journal entries, and also how I really know him, but now, now he is also Blue Eyes. Even though it is anonymous, my blog represents our real life. And our real life is a continuing journey through a marriage scarred with sex addiction, infidelity, lies, gas lighting, and betrayal.

I am incredibly proud of both of us at this point as we have embraced healing and recovery. However, neither of us is fixed. This is a long process. I no longer cry in the same deep, sobbing way. The mind movies completely stopped months ago. I still have nightmares, but I rarely remember anything. I still question some of my husband’s behavior and how he could possibly do some of the things he does knowing how he robbed me of my story with his secret life full of lies, but the more practical part of me knows this will all take more time. No one is perfect and I would be delusional if I thought he could change all of his behaviors overnight, poof, just like that… a normal functioning human being. Nope. That doesn’t mean some of his behaviors don’t torment me, especially with all his past secrets laid out in front of me. We have years to go before the deepest wounds heal within me, and also within him.

July has been a bit of a rough month. Blue Eyes is incredibly busy at work. As I have mentioned, warm summer days can be a trigger to him. Deep down he still has those feelings that he deserves a “treat.” He allowed himself to believe that merely living his life, the life he created for himself, was deserving of some kind of reward. Treats in the past were hits, porn, grooming, merely walking down the street eyeing vulnerable and often scantily clad women. The worst of the worst included him concocting a reason to take a business trip so he could contact the other woman. She was always there, ready to provide a sexual hit. It’s not pretty. Sex addiction is not fun and it is not titillating. It is like you have an evil machine inside you negating the better parts of you and controlling your brain so that you do things you cannot imagine yourself ever doing, if you let it, and then you make excuses for yourself, and lie to cover up lies to cover up lies. It’s horrifying. Blue Eyes is very aware now of the sorts of things that would have sent him to his addiction in the past. I think it scares him a little that he has come so far and yet the triggers for him are still so temptingly close to his daily routine. He has remained steadfast in his recovery and I appreciate that he shares his struggles with me. I have asked for open two way communication and he is giving it. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t trip and fall some days. He still has trouble shoving his own fear and shame out of the way in order to see how things affect me, but he is getting better. Progress not perfection, as they say.

We leave tomorrow for a little getaway celebrating our 27th wedding anniversary. I read about a lot of betrayeds who don’t acknowledge their anniversary any more. I think I am in the minority in that I do, now, enjoy celebrating our anniversary. The first anniversary post dday (2014) was rough. Last year was a little easier although still a bit traumatic. This year I feel like I have crossed the threshold. We have been on a 32 year journey together. We waited nearly five years before walking down the aisle. We had another two short years together before we had children. I was so excited for our empty nest. I wanted our coupleship back. I wanted us to thrive in our post childrearing years. I still very much want that. Of course I did not want discovery day to be part of my story and I didn’t want lies, betrayal, and addiction to be part of my story, but it is, and I can’t change that. I kept my vows. I was the person I presented to Blue Eyes from day one. I have put in 32 long years, nearly 27 of them fighting for a marriage that was rarely ever easy. I wasn’t unhappy. I knew the fight was worth it. I still believe it is.

Happy Anniversary, Blue Eyes. ❤

 

 

 

28 thoughts on “I keep writing

  1. I am forever grateful that you and others continue to write. Your story, your experience…like mine…happened for a reason. We may not know why, we may not know who we impact, but writing about it is ultimately the only therapy I know that can be shared so broadly. For me, my progress through the shitstorm became real, and notable, and freeing when I began reading and writing in this forum. Thank you dear Kat for your part in my healing. I hope you continue to write for many years to come! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not sure there was a reason this happened to us, but the good that has come out of it through blogging feels right to me. I may not have found other wives of sex addicts at the time, but I found betrayed spouses that provided comfort to me, and hopefully we can do the same for others.

      I know some believe that staying with the blogs, continuing to read and write, keeps them mired in the trauma, but this has not been the case with me so far. I have had to cut back on my reading and really temper my commenting, but writing has always felt right and it still does, and as long as it does, I’ll keep writing! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy Anniversary, Kat, and Blue Eyes. I echo other posters in saying that you are a beautiful example of making it work. I am nearly 6 mos post d-day and have no idea if my husband and I will stay together. He is in recovery but has had two slips. . Small slips, but slips nevertheless. But we forge on. Thank you for the model of making it work. As you have said, the Internet is full of advice that says sex addicts never recover. The first advice my CSAT therapist gave me was to get off the internet. But I’m glad I found you before I took his advice. We are also celebrating our anniversary tonight with dinner at a posh restaurant. Mixed feelings abound, but just for today I will think of you and choose to focus on hope.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Maggie. And good advice from the CSAT. Mine is just one personal story amongst many, but for now, recovery is working. We are all imperfect and wrestling addiction is so very difficult. Happy Anniversary to you! We’re eating “healthy” burritos in a small coastal Oregon town. Nothing fancy, just good. Since we have decided to stay, hope is decidedly part of the deal. Hope, compassion, kindness, and a big dose of reality thrown in every day for good measure! Enjoy the day, well, what’s left of it. 💖

      Like

  3. Happy anniversary lovely, wishing you many more. It’s so strange, but despite knowing all I know about you and BE, I still think of yours as a beautiful marriage. I see you guys as two people who have loved eachother and helped eachother through the very worst of times. It gives me hope. ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      • I am so blessed that u have my back 💋
        Difficult question because I wouldn’t want to date someone who I felt could be my dad😜 I think 47 is the oldest I’d go. I try to stay in my age range.
        Hope you have an amazing weekend. Im thinking of you and loving your Instagram pics ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I have really enjoyed following your blog. I like the raw and real way that you compose each post. But I really like this one. Your first two paragraphs really nail this whole thing. First, I was so heartbroken to find so damn many of us out there. I truly thought I would be this lone random blogger. Secondly, I was exactly the same in wondering how I would ever find my way through this or anyone that could relate to what it actually feels like to discover this horrid addiction. I would have given anything for my story to follow a similar path. For my spouse to come clean and come with me on this journey of healing. And for that I say happy anniversary. It truly is a wonderful thing you get to celebrate.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is very sad when they don’t want to heal themselves. It is incredibly destructive to the human spirit, living with an unrecovered addict. I love that you have found your way out and are living a better life. Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs… well, you know the saying. In my case I kissed the same frog many times… some days he’s a prince, most days he’s just a regular old fallible man. I do feel proud of the work we have done in order to be able to celebrate 27 years. I realize it doesn’t always or even often work out and our story is not completely written yet, day by day. Today is good. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Happy Anniversary! I, too, am grateful that you keep writing – just like you say it’s hard to find stories that are more down the path, people seem to stop after the immense need for therapeutical writing subsides. You are doing an amazing public service by sharing your story and your strength with all of us here. Have a fun weekend away!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Happy Anniversary to you Kat and to Blue Eyes! I’m so grateful that you continue to write. I honestly have learned so much from you. I loved this post. I love knowing I’m not alone and that there are others who also get it, even as I wish none of us were in this situation.

    I hope you have a wonderful time celebrating your 27 years of marriage and your life together. I know it hasn’t been perfect or what you had hoped but your marriage is a display of true, unconditional love. You have seen the worst in him, believed the best in him and work hard daily to be your best together. It’s not perfect but it is beautiful. You have weathered so much together and have so much to be proud of and to celebrate! Enjoy your tune away!❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • “It’s not perfect, but it is beautiful!” I love that… I often say, it hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it. I truly believe that. What I do know now is that what we have is more real. It’s not glossed over, it’s not pretend, it’s no longer built on lies. What we have now is built on a whole different level of hard work. I thought having no money was difficult. I thought raising kids was hard. I never knew how challenging life could be until discovery and the months following. I feel stronger for this, I really do. Thanks for your beautiful and always kinds words. We leave in an hour! 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, TJ. I’ll probably keep writing about something, not sure it will always and forever be about this topic, but for now, it is my life and I keep on keeping on. I am so glad you have found some kind of inspiration and fellowship here. It warms me. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy Anniversary, Kat!!!! Each moment with you is an ever lasting gobstopper. Reading your blog entries brings tears to my eyes. Some days my defects are large and apparent, but the difference now is the tools or coping skills I have. I think that is what defines recovery. Each second you are with me is filled with gratitude and wonderment. Thanks for giving me the chance to progress. That is the greatest gift you have given me. You have chosen the more difficult path. It would be so much easier to walk away.
    Your compassion and acceptance has helped light the abyss. With all my love and gratitude and thankfulness, Blue Eyes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, it only took 336 posts for you to finally comment. I admire your perseverance and strength while watching part of your life be plastered across the inter-web.

      I believe all paths are difficult. If I had left, I would be grieving a huge loss and I would still want to be a friend to you in your recovery. I have chosen the path that I think will bring me the contentment and joy I had always dreamed of. I am not afraid of hard work. I believe in you. Cheers to 27 years of marriage and 32 years of partnership! I lift my glass of non-alcoholic beverage to you, my love. Not sure I could survive 27 more years, but what the hey, let’s drink to that! ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      • Happy, happy anniversary!! You both are the example we all are hoping to achieve in our recovery process. Thank you for sharing your journey and showing us all that recovery is not only possible but desirable! All those years were not wasted because you both decided to make it work. Wishing you many more happy, strong years.
        xoxo Kit

        Liked by 2 people

        • Thank you so much, Kit. You are likewise an inspiration. It does take belief in and commitment to the partnership to come back from something like this! Thanks for the wishes and beautiful compliment! ♥️

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