I listened to the studio version of this song… “I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else” by A Great Big World so many times post discovery day I thought I would just die right then and there, listening to that song, crying out those words. Wherever I was, in my office, in my closet, in my car by the side of the road, I was sure my heart would shatter into a million pieces thinking about how I did not want to lose what I had spent 30 years building. I didn’t know what to do with what my husband had done. Fear overwhelmed me.
It’s so true… I built a world around him. That’s what couples do. HE left it all unspoken. HE buried it alive and I think he thought he would spontaneously combust from all those fears and shameful thoughts screaming in his head. His truth being exposed was inevitable. When his story burst out of him, we were both caught up in a storm of confusion, a wave of horror and panic. How could I stay? How could he live without me? How could I live without him, HE WAS MY LIFE!!!
Trauma is a bitch I never wanted to meet. That was my mantra for many many months. I felt like I was fighting a whole other Kat. Someone I never even knew was inside me. Everything felt like it was do or die. I couldn’t calm myself. I could no longer reach inside to a place of peace. I could no longer find my happy. There was very little anger, at the beginning. There was deep deep sadness that exhibited itself as deep deep sadness, pain, torture, horrifying agony. It left me crumpled on the floor unable to move, eat, sleep, speak. My eyes were opened up to a place inside me I never knew existed.
I had to heal from that place. Me, by myself, I had to let go of any blame for the situation I was in. Shit happens. People do bad things, but this was a journey I only wanted to travel once and even though the path is not linear, there is a way out. The way out was inside me.
“I don’t care if loneliness kills me. I don’t wanna love somebody else.” Those were broken words spoken by a person in deep sorrow. I very much do care and loneliness will not kill me. My journey did not begin with Blue Eyes, and it will not end with him. It will end with me. Me taking care of myself in the only way I know how, with grace and forgiveness, but most of all kindness to myself. I deserved to come out of the storm and I am. I take responsibility for my life and my choices.
“Oh, I thought that I could change you. Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell. I know that it’s time to tell you it’s over. But I don’t wanna love somebody else.”
The song was written by a young man in love for the first time. Sometimes relationships don’t work. We move forward from the pain of that. Blue Eyes is the only intimate love I have ever known. Once I realized I could survive, no matter what, I was able to embrace him as the man he is, not the man I wanted him to be, or the man I thought he was.
Trauma is a bitch I never wanted to meet, but healing is the friend I found living inside me.