Another missing piece

blue puzzle

As mentioned previously on this blog, I periodically perform an internet search of people I know, specifically my husband and kids. I have done this for a long time, way before dday. Mostly it used to be fun. Blue Eyes used to have a lot of links and photos, etc… when he was still on social media. It all started as a way to make sure, where it related to business, that his info was appropriate, accurate and topping the search engines. One of my many jobs. Now there are merely a couple really old photos floating around from our website. This is on purpose, for him, since dday. One year I found out our older son had won a prestigious award through his college (yeah, my kids do tend to “forget” to tell their parents some pretty important stuff) and I also found links to a number of our younger son’s high school video projects. Totally fun to watch.

And then, dday. After discovery I added a few women to my search list and have kept an internet eye on them, if you will. I do my search maybe once per month. If I find nothing new, I am happy. Word on the alcoholic whore is that she no longer posts about her dating miseries or people who have “wronged her.” She is now into dog rescue. Good for her, whatever. There are some atrocious photos of the slutty secretary. She has gained even more weight and looks way older than she actually is. Yesterday while I was searching Ashley, the original acting out partner, I noticed a familiar name pop up associated with one of her photos. It was a guy Blue Eyes once hired to work for us. I had absolutely zero respect for this guy. I never got the connection between him and Blue Eyes. To me he was arrogant and I couldn’t quite figure out his value. Supposedly he had been recommended by an attorney friend of Blue Eyes, but it never felt right to me. His experience was not in our field. I paid him as part of my job, constantly questioning in my mind, but assuming Blue Eyes knew what he was doing. Professionally the guy didn’t seem well trained or well suited for what he was doing for Blue Eyes. He was also going through a divorce and was a real (sleazy) ladies man. To say he was not a good influence on Blue Eyes is an understatement. Anyway, water under the bridge and all that. Blue Eyes eventually fired the sleaze for not doing the work he was tasked with doing.

Which brings us to yesterday… there was the sleaze’s name associated with Ashley the unhappily married sex partner of my husband all those years ago. The one who opened Pandora’s Box, so to speak. The one who really wanted more even though she knew Blue Eyes was married with two kids. She didn’t care. She nursed her own inadequacies at the teet of a married man, and a sex addict to boot. I knew this connection between Ashley and the sleaze could not be a coincidence. Blue Eyes texted me on the way home that he was stopping at the grocery store and did I need anything. I texted him that I was fine, but that I had a couple questions for him. He didn’t respond. When he arrived home from the store, it was business as usual for the guy who hides and lies instead of confronting his demons and moving forward in a healthy manner. He talked about what he had purchased at the grocery store, yada yada, didn’t even ask me about what I was referring to in the text. I realize there is a lot of shit going on, but seriously, the questions could have been about anything. Once again, I probably don’t need to remind you guys, but Blue Eyes lives his life in fear… of everything!

I asked him how he had met the sleaze. That was it. Simple question. He had once told me that the sleaze was referred to him by an attorney friend (in hindsight, I know Blue Eyes used this lie a lot). At first, Blue Eyes didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. I looked back and asked him the question again. I could tell, looking into his eyes, that he was thinking of lying. Actually, I assumed he would lie, but then I think he could see that I was on to the truth anyway. Remember, all this happened about 18 years ago. I actually contemplated not bringing this up to him at all. BUT, then I decided Blue Eyes needed to own this, like everything else. After about a minute of both of us just sitting there looking at each other, he said the sleaze is Ashley’s brother, or step brother, or half brother, or whatever. That after he broke things off with Ashley, she approached him saying her brother was in a bad way and would Blue Eyes please hire him. Blue Eyes admitted last night that he was afraid back then of blackmail. That he was scared that they would both concoct a scheme to extort money from him since they knew the truth about his philandering ways, and Ashley was upset about being dumped.

I asked Blue Eyes why he had not divulged this piece of information during his fourth step. The step that took forever and for which he supposedly unearthed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING regarding his past behaviors, fears, bad acts, consequences, etc… He looked at me and said… I didn’t think it was important enough to include. The TRUTH was not important enough to include in his deep dive into every single way his addiction affected his life, and my life, and his children’s lives, etc… It was not important to him that I constantly questioned why he had hired the sleaze back then. That I constantly questioned his validity. Blue Eyes’ consulting business was our sole source of income at the time. It was my job to keep Blue Eyes on the right track. Blue Eyes knew I couldn’t stand this guy. At one point Blue Eyes had an excruciatingly expensive two-bedroom apartment in Santa Clara, during the dotcom boom. We always rented two bedrooms so that we could visit him whenever we wanted. What I didn’t realize is that he was letting the sleaze live in the second bedroom a lot of the time for free. During one summer the kids and I were scheduled to spend a week or so with Blue Eyes in Santa Clara. We all flew down and arrived late-ish on a Friday night. Blue Eyes had supposedly arranged for the sleaze to be somewhere else. That was always the deal. If me and the kids were going to be in town, the sleaze wouldn’t be at the apartment. I’m pretty sure for the longest time I didn’t even know that the sleaze lived with Blue Eyes. Knowing how much Blue Eyes hates being alone, however, I can see how it was totally a thing. So, we arrive this Friday night and the sleaze is not only at the apartment, but he is entertaining a lady friend with music, lights turned down low, candles, wine, barely clothed. What a mess. The sleaze jumps up and they run into the bedroom to get dressed. Me and the boys are just standing there with our mouths gaping open. Eventually Blue Eyes talks with the sleaze and he and his lady friend promptly leave the apartment. I remember feeling disgusted and dirty. I changed out the sheets on the bed for the boys and Blue Eyes and I promptly had a quiet but curt discussion of the circumstances. I am just not this kind of person. I don’t condone letting some sleazy guy live in an apartment I am paying for, especially since he was a seriously bad influence on Blue Eyes… and probably vice versa. And now I find out that this guy, this sleazy guy, is the brother to Ashley the unhappy slut. OMG. I am so very tired of all of this. Sure, it would be easier to just let it all go, but two things: 1) I actually want to know what happened behind my back all those years ago, I think it is part and parcel to how low Blue Eyes can go when not handling his life like a mature adult, and he still shows signs of going that deep into a deceitful place, and 2) I still want to know what the total fallout was from Blue Eyes’ 40 years as an active addict. Even though it has been 18 years since I have seen the sleaze and since Blue Eyes was sexually active with Ashley, it fucking feels like yesterday. People don’t forget these kinds of things. I know Ashley hasn’t, and another thing I know, Ashley is single now and actively looking.

My life feels like this big frustrating puzzle with many pieces. I have completed a big portion of the puzzle, but I feel like pieces are missing. I can tell you, few things irk me more than a puzzle with missing pieces.

31 thoughts on “Another missing piece

  1. Krazycat, your posts have helped me so much. I will be @ the end of year 2 the end of June. We have similar stories affairs w employees. One lasted on and off for 12 years all up in our business friends w his daughter etc. she did say if he stopped she would tell me. Meanwhile there were many others @ the same time. On and on. I love Dr. Minwalla probably saved my life. Would you give me your thoughts on beginning year three. He is in recovery doing all the right things and is truly like a diff person. Feels like a lot of the old feelings are showing up for me. Assuming the anniversary of d day ??….. blessings Karen

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome, Karen. Year three was much better, but when I go back and glance through past posts, I can see I still struggled with certain triggers. Not all the time, not every day, but they were still there. And lack of trust still crept in more often than I would have liked. Not sure those feelings will ever completely go away and that is just the nature of the beast, but they don’t rule my life on a daily basis. Anniversary of dday doesn’t bother me as much as other things, like parts of town, other towns, thinking about the lies he told, etc… but we are all different. Now that we are in year four, I find that the bad days are really spread out now and never a whole day. I guess I have finally settled in to understanding the ramifications of the choice I have made to stay and work with him versus work on my own. He will always be the same person. Of course he is changing and learning every day about who he is and the consequences of his past choices. I become stronger in my choice to stay and put me first. Year four is way better than three, and three better than two. Year one, of course, was hell. I agree that Dr. Minwalla and also the trauma specialist I saw on his recommendation were crucial to my healing. No question. Sometimes these things go in waves… just remember, you can’t change or control him, so focus on yourself and what you need to feel safe. Thanks for joining in the conversation. I know reaching out can be difficult, but I think worth it. I hope you start feeling better very soon. xx

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  2. Thanks for sharing this, Kat. I’m knee-deep in year two of recovery and the struggle is real. One thing I have learned is to trust my gut feelings. When something seems off, it’s because it is. I guess that’s an unexpected gift of this whole crazy mess called SA. I, too, do not like missing pieces. I’m actually amazed at how much I have been able to figure out. It’s not easy. As you say, our brains don’t think like theirs. I’ll never understand the continued lies about the past. BTW, I also have a divorced man FB account. He’s super hot, too. Lol

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    • LOL how do you guys do that??? I had a fake FB account, it wasn’t a guy, and I swear FB knew it was me :/ and shut it down. GGGRRR how does a girl get her stalk on if she can’t set up a fake FB account???

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      • Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but I used a fake email AND the birthdate of my brother in law + his old mobile phone number that doesn’t accept texts (he doesn’t have a FB of his own) as the recovery number. Plus my guy lives in Canada. Every once in a while I post something benign even though his page is private. The profile pic isn’t of a person, and poor thing has no friends, but his friends list is private anyway, so no one knows. He’s divorced! 🤣🤣🤣 He has had friend requests but I don’t accept them, ha. They’re all women of course. The last craziest OW has her FB public (idiot), but the other two are private. I search for photos of them in the search bar and lots of pics show up. Photos they are tagged in. I also recently found on pipl.com that the slutty secretary has an alias. The internet is getting scary smart! Good luck, TH. Diligence pays off! I never could have imagined that this would one day be a hobby of mine. 😎

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          • I hope it works for you, TH. I showed BE a recent pic of the slutty secretary…. remember he hasn’t seen her for over 15 years and she has not aged well. He actually groaned when he saw it, did a double take, and then said “oh, geez.” At least he is seeing the same thing the rest of us are, now. Reality!

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  3. I imagine there is no concrete answer to this: but how long does it take one to re train their brain? I’m guessing it depends on the individual and their personal commitment to change. I smoke occasionally, -and drink occasionally, I like to exercise prob too much – but I
    Can’t remember consciously thinking o need to train my brain… it feels like something I was given innately. I don’t think I have an addictive mind.
    Can’t imagine continually living a life of lies & sabotaging mine and my loved ones happiness. I have said my SA lived completely unconsciously but he managed to keep a thriving business, paid his bills, etc. some of his life was more manageable than mine. My concern is that he is so immature about relationships and doesn’t really understand full disclosure. If I want to Know his thoughts I have to put on my legal robe and question the hell out of him. It has
    Never been part of him to
    Be forthcoming. I hope it’s bc he was hiding inside himself but I am nearly a year into this and I don’t like myself when I’m questioning and nagging and teaching him how to be an adult. It is frustrating. We aren’t married. Im 46. We have dated for 4 years this time. I dated him before and couldn’t figure out why we didn’t progress then… after all of this came out it is so clear to me now. I respect
    Him for not dragging me into a marriage while
    He had this double life. However, now that he is out and working very hard to be right he wants to get married and I’m hesitant bc who the hell would go into a relationship with a man who was capable of this? A part of me feels more secure
    Bc I think there is no reason to hide anything anymore and maybe we can have a happy second half to our lives. But it feels like a major risk. All relationships are risks I know but I’m questioning my future more now than ever.

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    • I’ve been thinking on this comment for a while, WOW. All I can say is this is still early in this process. He’s still in the infant stages. I think it takes years to retrain that frontal lobe and he will always be an addict. He will always be vulnerable. He spent years compartmentalizing. I’m sure he’s very good at it. Thus the two separate lives. Every story I have heard, the addict wanted to be able to stop the behavior but couldn’t without help. Without exposure, validation, and recovery they were unable to manage the “addiction” or “compulsion.” There is no “reason” to hide anymore, but it’s what they know. It’s their perceived protection from the world. For me, the first year I was battling sadness, fear, and anger (we had been together for 30 years, I was afraid of changing my life THAT much!) the second year for me was about healing, forgiving, trusting, metabolizing my trauma. The fear was gone. I knew I could live without him. Year three was about getting me back and more. Creating new ways of thinking that felt safe and independent and kinder, I guess. Meanwhile, BE stuck with his program and made my efforts worthwhile in my mind. I never think of separation or divorce anymore. Trust is there. Regardless, I can never be hurt in the same way. I cherish our partnership now. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to that place! xx

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  4. I absolutely understand why you feel the way you do. I no longer look people up on the internet, it just always ends up hurting, but I understand why you so it. I’m just glad BE was honest this time around. I think you would have saw through it if he fibbed, and that would have been even worse.
    ❤❤❤

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    • I was kind of expecting some kind of deflection, so was actually pleasantly surprised. Still just wish there was none of this left in my life, but you know, you can’t always get what you want! 😐

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  5. I think grief is the hardest emotion and shame comes in a close second. From what I read on your blog, and his, is emotional chaos, and the ensuing shame, have ruled his life. There is nothing more shame making than being exposed as a liar. If that is your default then you lie to cover a lie. Chaos reigns supreme. Addictions and bad habits(lying) feed off each other.
    Your trip was like a honeymoon and now reality hits. You fall back into it with a THUD. That was time out of time. He still has work to do.
    I think if you ask him he will admit he never feels at peace, and now because you have your new reality you no longer have it. I think a trip to the beach is an antidote to the chaos.

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    • I agree with you on everything, Moi, 100%. As he was leaving this morning he mentioned how he was ruminating on another situation we are currently in… we have spent a good deal of money restoring my Nana’s 1966 T-Bird. It will go to our youngest son. The guy that was restoring it has serious health issues and will not be able to complete the job, BUT, there are other people who can restore it. Or we can store it for a bit until we find the right person. Not really something to ruminate on, but he worries about everything. Like somehow it’s all his fault. He seeks peace through his mindfulness practices, but yes, he still has work to do. Tomorrow I am leaving for a week, to the beach house! My retreat! 😌

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      • He deflects one obsession with another, safer, one. The car, the job, the trip give his restless mind something to concentrate on. I consider it emotional wringing his hands. He needs a calm center. Maybe just a hug.
        I think he has so much garbage in his mind that one crazy situation is no more, or less, than the other. The fact that a brother of a mistress was in the mix was probably just another part of the chaos. It all stunk. It all ran his life. The sleaze was one of many that he had in his life to reinforce what he thought of himself. He considered himself worthless so why would consort with decent people.
        He has a habit of lying. I was never addicted to nicotine but I smoked for ten years. The day I decided to stop smoking I picked a bag of M and Ms and put on 25 pounds. The habit was hard to break. He has to retrain his brain and it is such hard work. He will need to stop in mid sentence and start over again with the truth. He gets a hug for that, you know.

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        • Ha, yes, Moi, you make me smile. Blue Eyes gets lots of hugs. Not quite as many as I would give a puppy, but similar. 🙂 I do understand this difficult road, but I still feel like I need the truth, for me. Doesn’t it seem silly to hide something that seems so benign when compared with everything else. I totally understand why he hid it all those years ago, but I hate hearing new details that should have come out in the past three years. I know, I know. I can’t always get what I want… work in progress, etc… Sometimes I think he is more shameful when it comes to things he did that negatively affected his business, than he is about things that negatively affected me. I should get it though, he was trained that way, by his parents. He definitely does not have a calm center. I know he works very hard at it. I try not to make the situation any worse than it has to be, but I do have needs too. I’m going to write a little recap post as sometimes it is nice to hear how things went after the difficult moment. Not sure if I actually mentioned this in any earlier comments, but what he is really dealing with right now, besides running a successful company, is the beach house builder suddenly sent us an overage bill (right before we left for vacation in February) for $470,000. We are heading into mediation/arbitration this month. Supposedly we have a very good case, but it is incredibly stressful nonetheless. Life is stressful. Ironically, when we are at the beach house, our worries seem to melt away. And, m&m’s… they are pretty easy to just toss in the mouth, by the hundreds. 😉

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  6. Oh Kat that would have pissed me off too. It wasn’t like you never mentioned the guy, you did, you asked and yet BE denied and lied by omission. I don’t get it. Why do they continue to lie about stuff as inconsequential as that when all the big stuff has come out?

    Hhhhmm I may have you do some “research” on the OW sleaze in my life. She has me blocked on many levels.

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    • I actually never did mention that guy AFTER dday. I honestly had forgotten all about him and had no idea he had any relation to Ashley other than they live in the same general vicinity in California. BUT, he almost lied yesterday, but thought better of it. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t include it in his 4th step (of his own volition) where they are supposed to uncover everything. I think he was just minimizing the fallout by not mentioning the sleaze because he was a guy. If he had really been doing things properly, he would have realized immediately the level of unhealthy behavior wrapped up in the whole mess down in Silicon Valley. All part of this sickening process.

      Ha, yes. I have become quite the sleuth. The most horrible OW blocked me from FB… I thought for a long time she didn’t have one and then I searched her from my cat’s FB (I know, I know–don’t judge 😉 ). She then blocked the CAT. LOL. So I started a whole new FB account that is supposedly a divorced guy. I search them all from there because you know, whores never block an available guy! I also do google searches (of course FB doesn’t show up because she blocked me) and a pipl.com search. That is where I originally found out the alcoholic whore had blocked ME. I sound like a flipping crazy wife at this point, but I really don’t care. I have done nothing to any of them. I merely like to know what is going on with these women that were willing to sleep with my husband. Just a little monthly check of my perimeter! 🙂 xx

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      • I understand. So much. My take on the fourth step is that maybe there is stuff that wasn’t touched then. I know Blue Eyes dug deep. But honestly? When you are 30+ years into addiction, lies, fear and hiding, there really is stuff that gets forgotten, or brushed over as not significant. Remember that this was his normal! Not sticking up for him here. And yeah, it sucks when you notice that moment of hesitation, the mental scanning of the ‘room’ for the nearest exit. But for me, without addiction being a factor, one of the things I realised was that I will never know it all. There are things he thought (and sometimes still thinks, even after he sees me hurt by these ‘missing facts’) were not wrong. Or inappropriate. Or material. Or whatever.

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          • Yes, it seems, CR, that there is always more. At a certain point we have to decide whether it matters anymore. BE had a good therapy appointment today where he discussed his lingering fears, etc… this is a long journey. They can’t magically fix themselves. 😔xx

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        • Well, I guess that’s why they say the steps are never done, always a work in progress. Coincidentally he’s been reworking step 4 for about a month. He apparently left those details off knowingly. He still feels shame and frankly feels like an idiot for doing any of it in the first place. He has serious issues still with admitting anything that directly affected the business. No real lasting after effects, just a level of tired as I continue to reconcile our stories. xx

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  7. I can relate to this SO much. The searching, the calm after finding nothing, and the torment that comes from learning something new that they always say…”i didn’t think it was important..” UGH. It’s ALL important to me. I want to know too. I want to know it all.

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    • I will never understand why he decides to keep things to himself, but I can say that as I have written SO many times… if I don’t ask the right question, on the right day, at the right moment, sometimes I am just out of luck. I actually just don’t care anymore about all this crazy stuff he did except in the case where I feel like I may need to protect myself somehow. The truth is my best defense. I have no doubt that if I had conversations with all the people he acted out with, and all the people he came across during his addiction, I would find out a lot I don’t know, still, three years in. I don’t go around in fear anymore, but it would be nice to actually know what other people know about me and my life.

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      • Actually you should care. He was missing with his business by doing that. Yes they could have extorted him anyway. That is YOUR income and well being. My h actually HIRED the OW into his business. Gggrr still makes me mad.

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        • Well, TH, this was many years ago and they didn’t extort him and there was no way he would tell me the truth about how he met the guy because he knew (even though I didn’t know that he had had sex with “Ashley”) that if he got anywhere near the truth, I would keep on him about it/or sniff out something. BE made lots of bad decisions over the 30 years before dday. Of course I didn’t realize truly how bad those decisions were. He lived in fear of everything and everyone. Remember, Ashley worked for BE for “free,” and he did hire the slutty secretary. Pathetic.

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. I have always said that I would stop “checking” for my own sanity, but sometimes, it does the opposite, it gives me a bit of calm. Life has been tough lately. My brown eyes joined back up with Facebook while I was away with our kids. He sees no issue with this. It is surprising how quickly they can slip back into old habits. I am so glad that you can share you experiences and still move through things. It gives me hope.

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    • Sometimes hope is what we have to hang onto. Blue Eyes not going back to social media is part of our boundaries for our partnership, both his and mine. Sometimes I know he wants to go back on and see what his friends are doing, but he doesn’t. He didn’t do much of his acting out on social media, however, he is much much more savvy now. Back then, just three years ago, I didn’t even realize how many of the apps have messaging capabilities and I know he didn’t either. Neither of us had heard of Ashley Madison. We were pretty clueless. It just gets easier and easier to become distracted and then in too deep. I agree! It is a lot easier to move through things now. I am still shocked at how crazy his behavior was and how much risk he took, but the actual stuff he did way back when bothers me a lot less than his not coming clean about it during this past three years. I still wonder how his brain works. Certainly not like mine at all. xx

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