As mentioned previously on this blog, I periodically perform an internet search of people I know, specifically my husband and kids. I have done this for a long time, way before dday. Mostly it used to be fun. Blue Eyes used to have a lot of links and photos, etc… when he was still on social media. It all started as a way to make sure, where it related to business, that his info was appropriate, accurate and topping the search engines. One of my many jobs. Now there are merely a couple really old photos floating around from our website. This is on purpose, for him, since dday. One year I found out our older son had won a prestigious award through his college (yeah, my kids do tend to “forget” to tell their parents some pretty important stuff) and I also found links to a number of our younger son’s high school video projects. Totally fun to watch.
And then, dday. After discovery I added a few women to my search list and have kept an internet eye on them, if you will. I do my search maybe once per month. If I find nothing new, I am happy. Word on the alcoholic whore is that she no longer posts about her dating miseries or people who have “wronged her.” She is now into dog rescue. Good for her, whatever. There are some atrocious photos of the slutty secretary. She has gained even more weight and looks way older than she actually is. Yesterday while I was searching Ashley, the original acting out partner, I noticed a familiar name pop up associated with one of her photos. It was a guy Blue Eyes once hired to work for us. I had absolutely zero respect for this guy. I never got the connection between him and Blue Eyes. To me he was arrogant and I couldn’t quite figure out his value. Supposedly he had been recommended by an attorney friend of Blue Eyes, but it never felt right to me. His experience was not in our field. I paid him as part of my job, constantly questioning in my mind, but assuming Blue Eyes knew what he was doing. Professionally the guy didn’t seem well trained or well suited for what he was doing for Blue Eyes. He was also going through a divorce and was a real (sleazy) ladies man. To say he was not a good influence on Blue Eyes is an understatement. Anyway, water under the bridge and all that. Blue Eyes eventually fired the sleaze for not doing the work he was tasked with doing.
Which brings us to yesterday… there was the sleaze’s name associated with Ashley the unhappily married sex partner of my husband all those years ago. The one who opened Pandora’s Box, so to speak. The one who really wanted more even though she knew Blue Eyes was married with two kids. She didn’t care. She nursed her own inadequacies at the teet of a married man, and a sex addict to boot. I knew this connection between Ashley and the sleaze could not be a coincidence. Blue Eyes texted me on the way home that he was stopping at the grocery store and did I need anything. I texted him that I was fine, but that I had a couple questions for him. He didn’t respond. When he arrived home from the store, it was business as usual for the guy who hides and lies instead of confronting his demons and moving forward in a healthy manner. He talked about what he had purchased at the grocery store, yada yada, didn’t even ask me about what I was referring to in the text. I realize there is a lot of shit going on, but seriously, the questions could have been about anything. Once again, I probably don’t need to remind you guys, but Blue Eyes lives his life in fear… of everything!
I asked him how he had met the sleaze. That was it. Simple question. He had once told me that the sleaze was referred to him by an attorney friend (in hindsight, I know Blue Eyes used this lie a lot). At first, Blue Eyes didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. I looked back and asked him the question again. I could tell, looking into his eyes, that he was thinking of lying. Actually, I assumed he would lie, but then I think he could see that I was on to the truth anyway. Remember, all this happened about 18 years ago. I actually contemplated not bringing this up to him at all. BUT, then I decided Blue Eyes needed to own this, like everything else. After about a minute of both of us just sitting there looking at each other, he said the sleaze is Ashley’s brother, or step brother, or half brother, or whatever. That after he broke things off with Ashley, she approached him saying her brother was in a bad way and would Blue Eyes please hire him. Blue Eyes admitted last night that he was afraid back then of blackmail. That he was scared that they would both concoct a scheme to extort money from him since they knew the truth about his philandering ways, and Ashley was upset about being dumped.
I asked Blue Eyes why he had not divulged this piece of information during his fourth step. The step that took forever and for which he supposedly unearthed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING regarding his past behaviors, fears, bad acts, consequences, etc… He looked at me and said… I didn’t think it was important enough to include. The TRUTH was not important enough to include in his deep dive into every single way his addiction affected his life, and my life, and his children’s lives, etc… It was not important to him that I constantly questioned why he had hired the sleaze back then. That I constantly questioned his validity. Blue Eyes’ consulting business was our sole source of income at the time. It was my job to keep Blue Eyes on the right track. Blue Eyes knew I couldn’t stand this guy. At one point Blue Eyes had an excruciatingly expensive two-bedroom apartment in Santa Clara, during the dotcom boom. We always rented two bedrooms so that we could visit him whenever we wanted. What I didn’t realize is that he was letting the sleaze live in the second bedroom a lot of the time for free. During one summer the kids and I were scheduled to spend a week or so with Blue Eyes in Santa Clara. We all flew down and arrived late-ish on a Friday night. Blue Eyes had supposedly arranged for the sleaze to be somewhere else. That was always the deal. If me and the kids were going to be in town, the sleaze wouldn’t be at the apartment. I’m pretty sure for the longest time I didn’t even know that the sleaze lived with Blue Eyes. Knowing how much Blue Eyes hates being alone, however, I can see how it was totally a thing. So, we arrive this Friday night and the sleaze is not only at the apartment, but he is entertaining a lady friend with music, lights turned down low, candles, wine, barely clothed. What a mess. The sleaze jumps up and they run into the bedroom to get dressed. Me and the boys are just standing there with our mouths gaping open. Eventually Blue Eyes talks with the sleaze and he and his lady friend promptly leave the apartment. I remember feeling disgusted and dirty. I changed out the sheets on the bed for the boys and Blue Eyes and I promptly had a quiet but curt discussion of the circumstances. I am just not this kind of person. I don’t condone letting some sleazy guy live in an apartment I am paying for, especially since he was a seriously bad influence on Blue Eyes… and probably vice versa. And now I find out that this guy, this sleazy guy, is the brother to Ashley the unhappy slut. OMG. I am so very tired of all of this. Sure, it would be easier to just let it all go, but two things: 1) I actually want to know what happened behind my back all those years ago, I think it is part and parcel to how low Blue Eyes can go when not handling his life like a mature adult, and he still shows signs of going that deep into a deceitful place, and 2) I still want to know what the total fallout was from Blue Eyes’ 40 years as an active addict. Even though it has been 18 years since I have seen the sleaze and since Blue Eyes was sexually active with Ashley, it fucking feels like yesterday. People don’t forget these kinds of things. I know Ashley hasn’t, and another thing I know, Ashley is single now and actively looking.
My life feels like this big frustrating puzzle with many pieces. I have completed a big portion of the puzzle, but I feel like pieces are missing. I can tell you, few things irk me more than a puzzle with missing pieces.