Issues

If I could wish for a talent I don’t possess, it would be to have an amazing singing voice. I would write songs like this one and sing like this, and wear suits that look like pajamas (LOL–I’m totally into comfort) and have all my songs be acoustic. My voice would be a little raspy, but mostly sweet, and my lyrics would be reminiscent of the pain I have been through. I wouldn’t have the kind of voice where I could scream out the lyrics (a la Adele), and maybe my lyrics and my voice would be a little sickly sweet for some, but the passion would totally be there.

You do shit on purpose
You get mad and you break things
Feel bad, try to fix things
But you’re perfect
Poorly wired circuit
And got hands like an ocean
Push you out, pull you back in

I remember 23, Julia, and it all seemed so real, so intense, so damn life altering. And then I lived a few more decades and I learned what pain really feels like. I learned about how the distance from all those childhood wounds didn’t grow weaker with age, it grew stronger and threatened to take over my life. I learned that agony can be so overwhelming that it made me question whether I really wanted this life anymore. The thoughts were fleeting, but they were there. I was changed, changed by the actions of someone else. I never thought it could happen. If someone had told me how my life would proceed, I wouldn’t have believed them. I am stubborn. I believed I had control over what happened to me and how I would respond. Life is full of surprises.

Yeah, I got issues
And one of them is how bad I need you

I would change the lyrics to how bad I want you but yeah, I’ve got issues. I fell in love with an addict and I don’t want to let him go.

That’s how I feel today.

 

4 thoughts on “Issues

  1. The feelings you write about here and in your last post are the very reason I am divorced. I don’t know how you do it. You’re a better woman than I–that’s for sure. I hope things settle down soon and you get back to the fabulous parts of your life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I get it. I don’t believe I am a better woman, I have just made different choices. I have to admit, most of my life is quite fabulous. This is my spot to write out when it is not, but I have mixed in some of the really great stuff too. If my life was all like this, or my husband wasn’t working his recovery, or I thought for a second that he didn’t love me or couldn’t love me, or didn’t know how to love (I have never stopped loving him), I would be gone. He has been my life partner for 33 years now and at this point I am back to believing the good outweighs the bad and I am also stronger now. But it all has a lot to do with both of us, not just him, and not just me. Earlier this year we spent six weeks side by side on a trip Down Under without much drama and with a whole lot of joy. If that isn’t a test at this point, I don’t know what is. I’m good. I hope you are much happier now! xx

      Liked by 2 people

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