Apparently I won’t be facing my in-laws any time soon. Phew. I’m still not sure what provoked his desire to make contact, we need to have a long discussion about this, but truth is, I haven’t felt up to the conversation.
When I left the beach house last week, my cold was bad and I was not well enough to clean house. I have had the beach house professionally cleaned exactly once, because it was so dusty and I have severe dust allergies. We have been told to expect construction dust to keep popping up for at least a year. Sigh. During that cleaning, a light fixture and a couple other items were broken. Not to mention, I struggle finding things because the cleaner rearranged all the drawers. Most likely she took everything out of every drawer and dusted & cleaned them thoroughly, unfortunately she didn’t keep track of where things were, or… she had a desire to put things where she would want them rather than where I had them. Who knows. I have decided for the most part that I will do my own cleaning and let someone else wash the massive windows. We’ve had to tighten our budget in order to afford the house payment without increasing salaries, and cleaning is a good place to start. I enjoy the feeling of working hard and then enjoying a spotless house. It doesn’t last long unless I am the only one there, but it is still very nice while it does last.
This foxy gentleman traveled home with me from Paris. I’ve named him George (Clooney). Totally Caroline has his twin brother out in Florida. 🙂
I spent yesterday cleaning the house… vacuuming (mostly dog fur and sand), dusting, laundering sheets, cleaning bathrooms, and cleaning obvious spots on the windows. I love to turn up the Sonos sound system loud, it keeps me motivated. Yesterday I chose the Michael Bublé Pandora Station. Blue Eyes called me mid-afternoon and I answered before turning the sound system down. I asked him to hold on a minute while I paused the music. The song that was playing was Bobby Darin’s ‘Beyond the Sea,’ but it was being sung by Kevin Spacey. I adore Kevin Spacey. ‘American Beauty’ is one of my all time favorite movies, if not my favorite. I am currently in Season Five of House of Cards. I love me some Kevin Spacey… the more evil, the better. I didn’t realize until watching House of Cards, that Kevin Spacey can really sing. I realize a lot of actors are multi-talented, trained dancers, singers, etc…, but I didn’t realize he was. Anyway…. I told Blue Eyes I thought it was funny that Kevin Spacey was singing that song, I didn’t even realize that it was a Bobby Darin song. Bobby Darrin is a little before my time and so many others have covered ‘Beyond the Sea.’ I particularly like Harry Connick Jr’s version. Anyway, Blue Eyes not only knew that it was a Bobby Darin song, but he could also hear that it was the Kevin Spacey version. WTF? The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I know this is presumptuous of me, but I have shared 34 years of my life with Blue Eyes. The personal things like music and movies, that we have shared, are important to me. Even when he would travel, he rarely watched movies on the planes, and never at the hotels, but if he did watch something without me, he would tell me (I thought) and vice versa. Often we would discuss a movie even if we hadn’t watched it together. This was important to both of us (I thought). I know I didn’t know everything about his life, of course, still don’t. Do I know every person he talks to for business? No. Do I know everything that is discussed between Blue Eyes and his doctors? No. Am I privy to the conversations he has with say, the checker at the grocery store? No. BUT, when it comes to movies and favorite songs and restaurants we like, etc… I feel like they belong to us as a couple. I feel like we should have a similar knowledge base. Share and share alike.
Back to yesterday. He proceeded to say, “yeah, remember Kevin Spacey played Bobby Darin in that movie… I remember not liking it because Darin drank a lot and there was a lot of arguing and fighting with his wife.” No, I don’t remember that. No, I have never seen the movie. Yes, I would have definitely remembered. He insinuated I had just forgotten. If you read my blog, I talk a lot about the past. I have a pretty amazing memory, like an elephant, or a steel trap. What I do remember, is a conversation we had nearly three years ago about a different movie… one he claimed to have never seen, but he insisted we watch. I could tell he had seen the movie before. He denied it. He lied. My instincts didn’t lie. He did. I hate this aspect of betrayal. The fact that my instincts are good and yet, he continues to say things that cause me to go… wait, what? It’s not like him having seen or not seen a movie or heard a song or eaten in a particular restaurant that I haven’t changes anything for me or our marriage, but all I have ever asked for is the truth. His instincts are to spit out whatever he remembers before thinking about the implications of potential past lies, or lies by omission. The problem is, when the hairs on the back of my neck stick up and I feel that burning ball in the pit of my stomach, I know I am not mistaken.
I recently finished a book called ‘The Silent Wife.’ I knew it had to be written by a woman because the husband character is so shallow. He is completely void of honesty and integrity. He is a caricature of a man (in my opinion). He is not overtly mean, nor is he uneducated or a failure. He cheated monotonously and was even unfaithful to his mistresses. Every woman was a sex object, but he loved them all–so strange, and he was delusional enough to think that even after he had moved out with a girl less than half his age (whom he had impregnated–the daughter of his best friend), he still believed he could have a civil relationship with his first wife, including sex if he so desired. Even after he evicted her from their apartment and stripped her of all of his income and wealth, he still thought about the relationship they would have. The husband made me angry. I couldn’t figure out if I was mad at the author for writing such a vacuous male character, or if I was angry because some of the things this man thought or did reminded me of things that Blue Eyes must have thought and done during his many years of cheating. Blue Eyes is not a stupid man, but he had to be delusional to think he could carry on as he did without being caught.
Blue Eyes is adamant that he did not see that movie with the other woman. He still claims we saw the movie together. He was adamant before too, about so many things. I don’t like being played for a fool. I realize for some strange and absurd reason he thinks it is better to lie than to tell the truth. It is the oldest habit he possesses. He most likely has been lying for as long as he has been able to speak. I have no doubt he saw the Kevin Spacey Bobby Darin movie. He even tried backtracking and saying maybe he just read about it. He was so vivid with the details of the movie and why he didn’t like it. The movie came out right at the end of 2004. His Craig’s List ad and subsequent relationship with the alcoholic hoarder all started right around this time. It’s a strange coincidence, no? I do not believe in coincidence anymore.
The Peacemaker brought up a good point the other day. He said I seem antsy, on edge. He noticed I have been having an increasing number of stress headaches, the kind that pound on the back of my head. He asked if I was doing any meditation. He reminded me that I have not set up my painting supplies at the beach house like I had said I was going to do. Initially I didn’t unpack my painting supplies because there was still work to be done on the house, namely an overhaul of the sheetrock and then repainting the affected walls (which is most of them). My son is right. I have waited long enough. Later this month when I am back at the coast, I plan to start painting again.
I will start with a somewhat abstract version of this photo I took in front of our house last month. I think I will title it: Beyond the Sea.
Inspiration.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I think you will relate.
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Fascinating read, B. I’m not sure the lead in line above really explains what the article is about… lack of curiosity ends long-term relationships? I read it twice. It’s nice and short. I like her writing and her story does ring very true to me. I believe you have prompted another blog entry. I was just sitting here this morning thinking I should write a blog entry. 🙂 For me, I like the idea that my life, and my marriage, is a journey with lots of fun, intrigue, etc… but not so much the mystery part. Her line at the end, to me, says it all… “I still believe there is something deeply good in him… ” Interesting. I guess once we find out our partner isn’t exactly who we thought, as long as we believe there is good, it’s okay? Unfortunately in my case, I do believe I understand BE. I just don’t agree with him. I don’t agree with how he has behaved in the past, and how he continues to behave. For me, growing tired of not knowing whether my partner is telling the truth or not, and also realizing that his motives for lying or doing some of what he does, is purely selfish, I think that would be what would end our long term partnership. Honesty and integrity need to win out over shame and selfishness. Thanks, B!
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Oh, and also the whole wedding party knowing the secret about the bachelor party, and keeping it from her, yeah, that hit me hard with a serious deja vu. I believe the author is more aware than I ever was. She realized his capacity (and friends and family) for keeping secrets even if they thought it was for her own good. In hindsight, I think ruining the day (or week or year) after the fact, is far worse than coming clean in the moment. I don’t live my life walking around with secrets and believing I hold the answer to whether the truth is “good” for someone else or not. I just tell the truth. That’s it. I hate that I seem to be in a serious minority. xx
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I can’t wait to see your paintings you have such a gift!!
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You are too kind, NH. 😘
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Triggers are so hard. Mostly, I think, because I don’t see them coming so I can’t get out of the way. We will be having a casual conversation and then he says something that doesn’t add up, so first there’s confusion and then, it hits. Oh yeah. Her again. Sometimes he admits it but not without a fight which is seldom worth it when I already know the answer. (Sigh) Totally Caroline is right. Let it go. The feelings are valid but don’t serve you. I remember my therapist saying it was important during healing from the trauma that I not be triggered. Easier said than done. Can’t wait to see your paintings.
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Yeah, I’ve let it go, I suppose. It’s not important in the scheme of things. I wonder if all these little things I have let go of (theoretically) without feeling like I received a proper explanation are in fact just living inside me somewhere, building into a ball and some day that ball is going to explode? ☄️ Perhaps it is the source of some of my stress, and needs to explode. I hope instead it dissipates with time.
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Ugh. I hate those moments and is what I believe makes reconciling sometimes not worth it. There’s a Lady Antebellum song, ” I’m a little drunk and I need you now…”. During my h’s affair I liked that song. Simple words and catchy tune blah blah blah. But after DDay the proverbial hairs Stood up in my neck. That was their song!!! It came in the radio one time shortly after discovery and it occurred to me. Si when we were together in the car and it came on a I said I hate that song. Now my h never told me it was their song I just knew it. So when I said I hated it I turned the station. I never turn the station or if I do he turns it back. He didn’t but said It’s a pretty song if you listen to the words !! I wanted to rip his face off. I just looked at him and said I hate it!!
So yes you would think that being triggered by driving by the area they parked at lunch so she could blow him would be the worst trigger. Which by the way I drive by every single day, multiple times too. Ha no. It’s a fucking song by a two bit country music group. That song played the other day when I was getting my hair cut and colored. I went into full blown panic mode!!! So I hear you. I get this.
Maybe I should have believed him when he said he’s done too much damage to our relationship. #regrets
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Yes, music. I remember that song well, they played it a lot on the radio. With the whisky line in that song, it could have been BE’s OW’s theme song. She’s a functioning alcoholic. So many songs, so many memories. I can listen to most anything now without trauma, but, those instincts that there is something I don’t know, something he isn’t telling me, they still live in there. I hate the feeling.
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Right?? Me too. But honestly there is no way to truly “know” everything about that time.
For myself at least I just can’t stomach knowing much more. But I hear you.
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Yeah, I definitely don’t want to know anything more, but I am incredibly stubborn and wish there was simply no more to know. And also, that he would always tell the truth. Not gonna happen. I know the past truths are meaningless now and letting go is the higher road, but damn I need to look into some truth serum potion for that man!
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Re: movies AND painting, go see Maudie! You will be inspired to paint! I went yesterday for a break from reality, it is awesome!!! I love Ethan and he was barely recognizable in this character; definitely award nomination worthy. And the scenery is spectacular.
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Thanks, B. I’ll check it out.
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Ah… the triggers … they always hurt. Let it pass. These feelings, they are valid, but they don’t serve you. (Look whose talking LOL).
I can’t wait to see your beautiful paintings when you start that up again. Such an excellent idea.
My pillow. I’m going to call him Foxy. Where did u get your pillow insert? Do you remember the size? I feel a need to put him on my bed. At least that way I get to sleep with a cute guy 😜
Love always
C ♥️♥️♥️
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My tape measure was at the beach house so I didn’t get a chance to measure it, however, when I put it down on a chair in my office, there was a pillow there that just happened to be the same size so I stole the insert out of it. It is a standard American size, maybe 14×14? not sure. You can get them lots of places, Target, maybe even Walmart. 😉 And yes, he is quite foxy enough to sleep with! xoxo
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I hope this helps. My husband watches tv at night, or early morning, because he can’t sleep. He sees tons of movies. I don’t but he often thinks I do. Also, I have to take his word for a trip we took. I have only a tiny memory of it and yet we had to haul a bunch of stuff home. Where the heck was I? He and I have completely different memories of our marriage. Stuff he is interested in he can tell you in detail. Same with me but neither of us shares those memories. We do share tons of them but not all. Could BE have seen this movie while watching tv? I don’t discount your feelings at all but experts say after a week we have hardly any memory left of that time.
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BE doesn’t watch TV. I mean every once in a while he will watch something with me, but he rarely, if ever, just sits down and watches television, especially something as long as a movie, unless I am watching with him. When I was in NC last year for six weeks, he didn’t turn on the television once. I know because everything was in the exact same space I left it, the remote, even the channel on the television.
Years and years ago he did watch the John Adams mini series on HBO. He had read the book and really wanted me to watch with him. I had no interest, so I sat next to him and read a book while he watched. I guess this thing about watching movies together started when we were young. BE has always been a workaholic. I had to beg him to watch movies and going to a movie was a big deal. Also, BE (and both our children) have a partial photographic memory. If he doesn’t remember something it is because he has chosen to block it, or he is lying.
During the years he was acting out, basically 1999-2013, television was the lowest activity on his priority list. Our children were a big priority. We went to the movies together maybe once every six months, mostly a scheduled date night. It was actually a pretty special thing. I guess this may be why I have these feelings about movies. Also the fact that one of the lies he held onto the longest was his seeing Frost/Nixon with the other woman right in the building where our office is located. I was out of town. She knew this. Her blackmail line was… go to the movie with me at that theater, or I will call your wife.
This is a trigger. I have them every once in a while. I really just hate the feeling that there is something there to tell, but he refuses to. It doesn’t change anything. Thanks for your thoughts. Ironically, he is waiting patiently to watch a movie with me… and he hasn’t even turned the television on. 🙂
Have fun with your girls! xx
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