Blogger friend, B, has prompted another post. She’s good that way! In a comment on my last blog entry, she posted a link to this NY Times article and mentioned that she thought I might be able to relate.
I read the article twice, and then replied to B’s comment. I absolutely can relate to this article, but my conclusions about marriage and “mystery” diverge from hers, and I’m not sure where that lead in line came from about “lack of curiosity”? Of course we are different people, have unique experiences, and we are married to different men. The author is also a hospice chaplain and has drawn some of her conclusions based on talking with a lot of dying people who are finally ready to give up their secrets. But they are giving them up to her, not the person who may have wanted or needed to know these secrets, or mysteries as the author calls them. She seems to have accepted that her husband is a mystery (I read that as keeps secrets, or doesn’t tell the truth all the time), and she analogizes not knowing another person, kind of like not knowing all of what will happen in the future. For me, these two concepts are vastly different. One is about lying and the other is about a journey. I do very much want to be on this mysterious journey of life, but I don’t really want to be on a journey with a liar.
As I have talked about so many times here, I know I will never know everything about any other person, namely my husband. A lot goes on each day in our separate brains. I do talk a lot, so a lot of what is in my brain comes spilling out all over the people I am with. People who know me or have met me can attest to this. It’s not necessarily an asset, but I really am an open book and even though I realize other people, namely Blue Eyes, need more space than that, that they are not like me, and I realize that is okay, it should never be a rationalization for hiding and lying.
I have my own bachelor party story, briefly outlined in this entry, Wedding, but I had a spy at the party, so I knew about it right away. No one was arrested, but my guess is, some should have been. I did feel like a fool, that my soon-to-be-husband could be coerced into participating in such a vulgar display, but also that the participants “took a pact” not to tell any of the wives and girlfriends. Fucking cowards. If a person needs to keep secrets about their behavior, maybe they should rethink their behavior. Yes, I really believe this.
Two nights ago at the beach house, Blue Eyes and I were discussing our budget and going through our bank accounts. As a continuation of his education, our older son applied for and was accepted to a prestigious fellowship program at a well known Manhattan museum. The program is heavily subsidized, but there is an entrance fee and he will need to cut his work hours. We are very proud of him for this amazing accomplishment. During this time we will subsidize his income. I went to his bank account, where I will electronically deposit money, and was shocked to see his visa charge card was nearly at it’s limit, when a few days ago it was paid in full. I perused the charges (he knows I do this) and found a substantial charge for the release of a NYC boot on his car. For anyone who doesn’t know what a car boot is, it is a contraption the traffic police attach to the wheel of a car. The owner is unable to drive the car while the boot is on. It costs a lot of money to have the boot removed. Why does the city put boots on cars? Unpaid parking tickets, that’s why. How do I know all about this? Blue Eyes, that’s how.
In college, Blue Eyes was the king of “rhino boots” as they called them. When we saw the charge for the boot release on our son’s visa charges, Blue Eyes immediately said… “well, we’re not paying for that.” I asked him what he did when he was in college and needed the boot off his car (he would leave it on there for quite some time, until he actually needed the car). He sheepishly admitted he would go to his father for the money for the fines and boot removal. *sigh* We’ve had this “like father, like son” conversation quite a few times over the past few months. I love the father, and I love the son, but man do they have a lot of similarities that bust my butt. The father/son conversations were not had to make Blue Eyes feel bad, but merely to point out that his actions have consequences. Cat’s in the cradle, silver spoon, when you coming home son, I don’t know when… kind of consequences. Very predictable. I saw it coming. Our actions are not done in a vacuum.
More frustratingly, however, was Blue Eyes saying, yeah, yeah, I make a lot of mistakes… I get a lot of tickets. Wait, what? Current tense. I “get” a lot of tickets. Over the years Blue Eyes has received lots and lots of tickets, parking tickets, moving violations, expensive fucking tickets. At one point they suspended his night driving due to his poor judgment. A 30-something attorney with his own business… suspended license for lack of good judgment. I looked at him and he realized just a second too late. I asked him when was the last time he received a ticket? He said, oh a year ago or so. I parked in a truck loading zone. But I could tell he was lying. I asked him where was the truck loading zone? Who was he visiting that he parked in a truck loading zone? And when exactly was this? And where is the ticket? I don’t remember seeing a ticket. And what car was he driving, etc… etc… If there is anything I have mastered, it is pummeling Blue Eyes with questions about his lies.
My frustration built as I could see the lies in his eyes. FINALLY, he admitted to parking in a truck loading zone outside a downtown restaurant while picking up a to-go order A COUPLE MONTHS AGO. By the way, there is a parking lot next to AND across the street from the restaurant with legit parking for maybe $5 (as opposed to the $200 ticket). But interestingly enough, the ticket wasn’t even for the illegal parking (which is idiotic as it is). The ticket was for an expired registration. What? He neglected to renew the registration on his vehicle, THEN, he parked illegally. WHAT? But the thing is, and this is what gets me, is that when he is doing these things, like parking wherever the fuck he wants regardless of “rules” he really believes he is impervious to consequences. The consequences don’t hurt him, I guess. When he parks there he thinks, I’ll be less than 15 minutes, no way will I get a ticket, not me. And I won’t tell Kat when I do get that ticket, because, why? I don’t have to answer to anyone. She doesn’t need to know and that way I won’t have to look like an idiot. I’ll just have sex with this woman a few times, I won’t get caught, not me…. Oh wait, yeah, the lying does bring back a whole lot of bad bad memories and feelings for me. It still makes me wonder if he is capable of telling the truth. He knows my response would have been to say he was an idiot for assuming he wouldn’t get a ticket and also if he doesn’t have enough time to have the car registered, give the damn thing to me. I’ll spend the two hours and get it done. Getting a ticket is just not worth it. But instead, he willfully breaks the law and then lies about it. First by omission, then he just flat out lies. Blue Eyes is quite the “mystery man,” isn’t he.
I don’t want that kind of mystery in my life.