or that I am perfect, or whatever, I’m here to set the record straight. Ha ha ha, of course I am not perfect. No one is perfect, and I am far far from it.
I was doing my monthly check in, google search, etc… of my little family and for the first time in a couple months I checked the other woman’s Facebook using my divorced man’s fake Facebook account. I know, I know. This mature 54 year old woman is not so mature after all. Checking to make sure she hasn’t done something crazy, even after four years, like post a photo of her with my husband in some International location like Gothenburg, Sweden, or Copenhagen, Denmark, or Nara, Japan, just gives me the teeniest piece of mind.
So I checked her Facebook and along with all her posts about how awful Donald Trump is (I agree with you there, crazy person) and how horrible it is to purchase a dog from a breeder (versus saving a dog from a shelter–well, I totally see the value in this even though we have two full bred dogs), she had a couple posts that made me pause. Like the post about Japan and mindfulness. It hit a little close to Blue Eyes’ home if you know what I mean. All of the sudden I started questioning whether he had been in contact with her… spreading his new mindfulness mantra all up in her business. It just seemed so freaking out of place on her feed.
The video also includes quotes about how the key to happiness is being kind and respectful of others. I wonder if she ever thinks about how destructive her behavior was. How she was effectively trying to break apart a family and drive me insane. Of course she was being fed lies by Blue Eyes, but you have to be pretty delusional to believe those lies under the circumstances. Ah, well, I guess we can all be delusional sometimes. And I think it is a bit funny (not ha ha funny) how latching on to mindfulness seems like a modern concept when really, in my opinion, it should be our natural instinct. Treating others as you would want to be treated.
I started this post a couple days ago, and it has given me time to think about why I still do this. Why I check the only online presence I have for this person who so desperately tried to drive me crazy and break apart my marriage. She’s not doing it anymore. After Blue Eyes called the police (twice, at least) to my knowledge, she gave up. I think for a while it was a game to her. I truly do not care about this woman. At one point I admit I was very afraid of her, but that died out with my trauma. I was never envious of her. So why do I still check her Facebook?
I believe my motives have nothing to do with the other woman. It all goes back to not trusting my husband. As much healing as I have done, it will be a very long time before I fully trust Blue Eyes again, if ever. This is what 30 years of lying, and 15 years of cheating gets him. It is what it is. But just to be clear, this is not the opportunity to say, “Well, she will never trust me, so why bother even trying to gain back that aspect of our relationship.”
This is the opportunity for him to keep striving, every single day, to prove to me that he is trustworthy. Healing and recovery do not just end. There isn’t some magic day where we merely wash our hands of this messy business and move on as before. There is no “before.” Before doesn’t exist because reality didn’t live there. At least not for me.