I won’t give up

/ CrazyKat1963

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I hopped on the elliptical this afternoon and turned my exercise play list to shuffle mode. ‘I Won’t Give Up’ by Jason Mraz was the first song to play. A good warm-up song for me. Actually, listening to this song has brought me through some tough moments over the past four years. It’s kind of my theme song at this point.

When I look into your eyes, it’s like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise, well, there’s so much they hold. And just like them old stars, I see that you’ve come so far, to be right where you are. How old is your soul?

And when you’re needing your space, to do some navigating, I’ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find. ‘Cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth.
We’ve got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it. No, I won’t give up.

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake. And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend for us to work, we didn’t break, we didn’t burn.

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am.

Well, I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up), God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved). We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved). God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love. I’m still looking up.

Today marks the four year anniversary of discovery. The day the other woman called my mobile phone. The day my husband copped to decades of lies and betrayal. But you know what? Fuck that shit! I completely forgot the significance of today until that song played and it made me think, hey, it’s January and I’ve been sort of building up to getting past this four year mark. For Blue Eyes, his big accomplishment was his four year sobriety date and that happened last month. The phone call doesn’t define us or our relationship and besides, I HAVE SUPER BIG NEWS TO SHARE.

I may have mentioned that our beach house, our retreat, our sanctuary, our shelter house, my safe place since addiction blew up my life, was being photographed for a magazine. What none of us knew (including the designer, and it is in a design magazine) was that it would  make the cover of the first issue of 2018. The magazine sent, by Fedex next day air, a copy of the magazine hot off the presses to the interior designer (and her husband, the architect). She texted me a copy of the cover immediately. Our copies of the magazine haven’t arrived yet. However, while I was checking out at my favorite local grocery store a couple days ago, and I had to squint because I didn’t have my glasses on, I squealed with delight when I saw the magazine cover and there was our house! Right there on the grocery store magazine rack! The check out guy just laughed at me. I was like a kid in a candy store… or me in a chocolate cake store, oh bother, why do I love chocolate cake so much? Anyway, I must share because after much trauma and sadness, this is such a happy moment. We ❤ our beach house! The pictures are a bit wonky since I am photographing a magazine on a dreary Pacific Northwest day, but here goes. SQUEEEEEAAAALLLL!!!!!

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Anniversary of what? Discovery of what? My husband is a what? Ah, today is all about the beach house. Yippee to dreams that come true!!!

 

 

24 thoughts on “I won’t give up”

    • Thank you so much. Funny thing, the front guest bedroom reminds me of the California Coast, Big Sur… it has tall ceilings and a big cedar wall. The pines from the front reflect on the walls and in the bathroom mirror. It didn’t make it into the magazine, unfortunately.

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  4. It looks fantastic, Kat. It must be very satisfying that most of it was achieved AFTER DDay. Brilliant that this is something positive to associate with this date.

    You are justified to feel proud of your achievements. X

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    • Thank you. Yep, definitely a post dday accomplishment and if not for my husband, we wouldn’t have that house. He pushed for it. He wanted it to be part of our new life… I just didn’t know at the time that there was an old life that needed to be dealt with? The day we went looking for property was before dday, and ironically, the house we found on that day and put an offer in on, fell through. This property was purchased right in the middle of some of my most traumatic days. It is really quite something that it happened at all. I am certainly glad it did. ❤

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  7. That’s awesome AND an an event to replace Dday!!! It is absolutely beautiful and it’s completely clear why this woman tried so hard to run you off – so she could have your life. I’m so glad you and your husband survived and that things are going well. Best wishes to many more happy times!!!! You def deserve them. ❤

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  8. Kat, I am so happy for you for so many reasons!

    The beach house – YES!
    The lack of trauma yesterday – BIGGEST YES EVER!

    Congrats to you both!!

    I read BE’s blog over the last 2 days and want to let you/him (via you) know that it has been insightful to read. My H is pretty much as non-verbal as you can get which pisses me off (AKA that life was in the past, why can’t i just move on already?!). He gets so angry when I need to talk/ask questions. I have a thought and then obsess/ruminate and need to talk it out and then feel relief. He is so full of shame and it comes out in rage and anger. “I don’t know how that detail will help you”, he says. Well he doesn’t get to have secrets with these women anymore, and he hasn’t had good judgement throughout our entire relationship so what makes him think he knows what may or may not protect me now?

    I snooped and read his first step that he wrote to his SA sponsor the other day (he doesn’t know I read it), and I read something that is different than what he had previously told me, but it gave me some peace. Why could’t he have just told me though? Am I crazy for wanting him to confirm if one of them who is named Shannon was Shannon X in our industry?? Was the tryst during the same time as the Witchy looking one?

    What a mess.

    So happy you have and are finding peace, stay on the path

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    • Yeah, we love that house. Literally everything about it was accomplished post dday.

      Glad you found BE’s blog… very different from mine. We are really different people. BE internalizes a lot of his anger, which I find particularly frustrating, but he never was able to properly express himself as a child and a young man, so he really doesn’t know how.

      They do want us to be over it and stop asking questions because that would be much easier on them. It’s probably not that he thinks he knows what’s best for you, he just wants it to stop. Our trauma is a direct consequence of their betrayal and their actions so, yeah, it’s part of the deal.

      They do have this strange way of thinking they are protecting us or protecting themselves by not telling the whole truth. I will never really accept this behavior as healthy or recovered, but this stuff takes time. By his ninth step, BE was still pissing me off and hurting me. I’m a control freak and I didn’t understand why what seemed so obvious to me was so flippin difficult for him. I learned that if I want this relationship I have to be patient. He built his addictive life over 40 years. As much as I would like him to just act normal already, it’s important for him to really go through the whole process.

      And yeah, the women. We just want to know what went on in our lives, all of it, the truth. I totally get you on that one. I also abhor the fact that he told lies about me. Very difficult to heal from.

      Thanks for the kind words. Hugs to you on this difficult journey. xo

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    • The article mentions us by name, so I strategically kept that part out. It’s on my Instagram though. It’s a regional edition and can be ordered from their website. It’s expensive. 😐 ❤️

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      • Ugh. I am so dumb. Didn’t even think they used your name. I am so sorry i asked putting you in that position. My bad. I thought maybe it was Architectural Digest or something. Because it could very well be in that publication. I am so happy for you that you had something positive like this happen on stupid DDay antiverisary:).

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        • Absolutely no reason to apologize. I get it. We “know” each other. 🙂 Everything was submitted by the interior designer on behalf of her and her architect husband. They like this publication because it is seen by a lot of builders, designers and potential clients looking for high end design and finishes. I’m surprised it is carried grocery stores. This publication wasn’t our choice. I’m sure they would love to be in Architectural Digest, but this was do-able and they were thrilled for the cover. It’s all just fun for us. The house is beautiful and we have them to thank for that. ❤

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    • I have a few family members that want to stow along in my suitcase on some of our trips as well. Some of my son’s friends have also asked to be adopted. If they only knew the whole story. ☺️. I do love golden retrievers!

      Clearly I’m very excited to show off this beautiful home. We do feel lucky! xo

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