Betrayal doesn’t define me

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#forkintheroad photo credit: Boris Hamilton

Although my husband is a diagnosed sex addict, he is also a cheater. When I first found out about his cheating, I had no idea he was a sex addict or that such a thing was even real. There were a lot of revelations on his part over those first few days, and an obvious need for him to make changes in his life. It was true, however, that he never understood why he did the things he did. He wasn’t looking for a new life, merely a way to cope with the life he had created for himself. And his life, honestly, at 50 years old was not bad. He had been married for nearly 25 years to his college sweetheart. He adored his two sons, both of which were in college. He was the CEO of his own successful company that he built from nothing. He had a beautiful home in a nice city and dreams of building a beach retreat. His marriage wasn’t falling apart, his business wasn’t struggling, he wasn’t fretting over money. Even getting older wasn’t getting him down. Shortly before discovery, he had attended his 30 year high school class reunion and had an absolute blast, dubbed ‘The Mayor’ of the event, he socialized and reconnected with old friends. Life was good.

The sad truth, however, is that Blue Eyes had never learned a healthy way to cope with any life he built for himself. He started very young medicating away his troubles. He was a sensitive soul born into a family of dysfunction. From the earliest age he felt abandonment, neglect, fear, pain and shame. As he grew, the mental abuse took a physical toll and he was a sick kid. I’m not making excuses for him, just stating reality. I knew he came from an abusive family. I knew he was vulnerable. I knew he had trouble coping. I thought once he was with me, and felt true love, without shame, that he would mature. He would stop being dependent on his parents for emotional support and validation (something I knew they would never give) and that he would be happy, with me. I did not know this was simply not possible.

I did not know he was already an addict. I did not know that he would believe that he needed the validation of people outside our relationship in order to cope with his life as it was. He didn’t really know how to love. He didn’t understand what it means to be selfless. He had always self medicated. It was okay though, because no one would ever find out. It may have been possible for him to keep his secret life in tact actually, if not for the fact that he brought other real-life women into the equation. I know that sounds weird to put it in those terms, but I’m talking real-life in person sexual relationships, in lieu of pornographic images (pre-internet), and flirting (grooming) without consummation, and eventually internet porn, all activities he partook in for years before actually having an affair and eventually putting in a Craig’s List Ad. Once he started a relationship with a live divorced woman, who was at his beck and call even if that meant only conversing with her a few weeks of the year, the game was set. Threats and blackmail ensued, perpetuating and magnifying the level of betrayal. That’s when the lies about me began because ‘other women’ must believe they are somehow better than the women they are theoretically replacing. That was how this whole thing blew up in his face. When he wanted to be rid of his sick secret drug, that drug being an awful, mean and angry older woman, the drug fought back.

That’s when I became The Betrayed. That’s when my life was turned upside down. First, I found out my husband had lied to me for thirty years. Lied about a crucial part of who he is. I then found out that he had repeatedly groomed other women (dozens and dozens), and cheated on me with other women, at least four to be exact (if we narrow it down to ‘participated in sexual behavior outside our marriage’ cheating) with the worst being an eight year affair with the woman who called my phone. If that wasn’t enough to devastate me, he dragged the truth out over months and months even though he knew it was literally killing me. And finally, his last other woman stalked me obsessively, even showing up on an airplane with us. She finally gave up after we called the police for the third time. No more phone calls to the home phone or my mobile phone. No more delusional cards to our home. No more trying to woo Blue Eyes back into her web, and no more showing up on planes or sending messages of any kind. But honestly, the stalking wasn’t the worst of my problems. For more than two years I was unrecognizable. I had changed in so many ways and every single day was filled with trauma. Some days I couldn’t function at all. Some days I harmed myself. Some days I was a zombie. Some days I really didn’t want to live. There was therapist after therapist. I read books. I started this blog. I cried millions and millions of agonizing tears.

And then, when I was spent and emotionally depleted, I started healing. I’m still very much changed, but I finally got to a point in the third year of recovery where I started consciously fighting the demons that had stolen my livelihood. I realized I have the power to manage my own emotions. I had to metabolize the trauma. I had no choice. But once the trauma started to subside, I decided I didn’t want to be defined by the betrayal any longer. My husband’s addiction is his burden to carry. He didn’t hurt me because he is evil. He didn’t hurt me because he hates me. He was hurt and in turn he hurt me, and others. The important part is that he doesn’t want to continue hurting people, so he is working on himself. He wants to work on himself.

And during all of this, four years of this now, I realized I can leave and I will be just fine. I also realized that I can stay, and be happy. I do feel like I am a survivor. He is a survivor too. He is not the enemy. I am not anyone’s dupe. We’re both strong. More importantly though, is we are both still learning life’s most valuable lessons. He has forgiven his parents for the abuse of his childhood, and he takes responsibility for his own healing. I have forgiven him, and I take responsibility for my own healing. Because of who we are and what we have been through, he has the longer and harder path. I know he will continue to be successful.

Betrayal shaped who I am today, but it doesn’t define me. I define me and I am strong and resilient and looking to the future with a great deal of optimism, because that’s how I roll.

Peace and love, y’all. ❤

26 thoughts on “Betrayal doesn’t define me

  1. This is such an amazing post. I have walked some of the same path as you and reacted in many similar ways. I found out after being married for 27 years. We have both taken the road of healing. It’s been a haze a lot of the time, and an extremely difficult journey. However, like you I am in a very different place today. I love your comment at the end of your post: “Betrayal shaped who I am today, but it doesn’t define me.” It’s wonderful to be able to say that. Thanks for posting your journey. It’s really helpful.


  2. Not sure how I found this blog but it is interesting and helpful. My husband is a sex addict, in recovery since his disclosure in June 2015. I now know about his childhood trauma, self soothing masterbation, fixation to porn, and ultimately his choice of prostitutes to get a fix. The last two times he used prostitutes was during our anniversary trips to Honolulu, my former happy place. This is so hard. We have begun a new life together. He has done a lot of work and seems to be sincere but again I knew nothing, suspected nothing and am still reeling from the trauma of knowing what he did including visit the whore and climb into bed with me. What kind of sick man does that? I love him and I hate his guts. We just hit 39 years of marriage without celebration or fanfare. I can’t pretend to celebrate this event as I feel our life was just a lie. I’ve only told three people plus my therapist. Did not expect to be here at 67 years of age. I also cannot believe how many other women are in this same boat. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I so get your statement… “I love him and I hate his guts.” I used to struggle a lot with feeling like my life was a lie, our marriage was a joke. I got over those feelings realizing I had lived a very genuine life with my husband and his secret life was all about him. I still struggle with just plain feeling sad that he could do such hateful and mean things to me, someone who cares so deeply for him and never did anything to hurt him. I never denied him sex, or left him in a scary medical situation, or even went to bed angry with him, and he was often distant and difficult to understand. We are SO different. He talked about me with the other woman behind my back, while naked, after just having had sex. He told atrocious lies to get what he wanted. It hurts deeply. If I wasn’t with him anymore, I wouldn’t care. C’est la vie. But because I choose to stay, it still hurts. What triggers me now is when he takes my needs for granted and doesn’t understand my feelings, or chooses to ignore them. I feel like everything he does now should be about making me feel safe. Unfortunately, they are ultimately selfish as they felt like they needed to do what they did to survive. In a strange ironic twist, by growing into an addict, they learned how to ignore others’ needs, like they believe theirs were ignored. At least this is the case with my husband. It is truly that pattern of the abused turning around and abusing others. A concept that I just don’t understand.

      Big hugs, Marie. I hope you can take back Hawaii. I have been able to take back a lot of special places, but i find the most difficult space is right here in my own home. ❤


  3. I’m not sure how I found your page. I’ve been married for 35 years and I’ve recently begun to wonder if my husband is a sex addict. Your story about your husband is so familiar!!

    Two years ago I began to wonder if my husband was having an affair with a woman he worked with. He seemed to be going through a depression. He did have some things in his life that would have been causing this. He had a horrible childhood also and had recently decided to have nothing to do with his mom. We had tried for years. So much abuse and she was starting on our young adult kids.

    So I had his cell phone while at my moms on a Sat.night. He got this work related text. It was professional but it was 6:30 at night and just rubbed me the wrong way.

    He had completely lost it with one of our adult sons a few nights before. Threw him up against the wall literally in anger. He had Never done anything like that before. Ever! We were supposed to go out to dinner when I got home. Our daughter was with me and I dropped her off and went down the street and called him to meet me and he talked me into coming home to get him. Not before saying something stupid in front of kids. I actually texted the woman back and just said…. “ Are you there”…

    Came home and we drove on and he lost it completely with me. I hadn’t even read the text to him. He was not an angry person but lost it in anger.

    Long story short…. As I began to uncover some stuff and confront him…. this went on for 10 months as he tried to convince me there was no affair. I almost believed him and then after 10 months caught him hiding all of our savings! Thousands of dollars. I left him for 2 weeks, came home with the promise from him that we would find another counselor ( had two disastrous ones) but he won’t go. Says he’s told me everything but still swears no affair.

    He didn’t really want to have sex with me during that time but was very loving in front of our kids and I just feel like it was an act. Sex has never been a problem since this all came out. We’re going on two years of this now.

    She has messed with me on social media big time. He knows about it. He is back working for a former company and doesn’t do any work for the other company ever. So many lies. So many more aspects I might share. Thanks for listening. I’ve seriously considered leaving many times. I know my kids would be heartbroken although they are grown.

    You won’t be able to write on my email as I can’t get on there. I think someone changed the password..


    • I’m so sorry, K. Hopefully you will be able to read this reply. One of the lessons I learned the hard way once the other woman called my phone, is to just trust my freakin’ instincts. I had never believed in my heart that my husband would cheat on me. I only knew the man (boy really when we met) that he presented and he was very good at the bumbling, somewhat emotional, intimately needy guy who seemed to love and respect women. He made me believe he was a horrible liar–all part of his very deceptive and shame filled defects that he was hiding from the world. When I found the email from the other woman in 2005, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He was so convincing in his apology and his admitting he had done something so out of character and he hated himself for it. All lies. He said he had only met her for coffee and there was nothing between them. I believed him. He set me up.

      If his reasons had been truly sinister, or he was shopping for a new life, new wife, hiding money, or other reasons directed at hurting me, I would not be with him right now. The key is in finding the truth and then finding the why. In the case of my husband, he had always been a sex addict and until I had the truth, I had no idea. He was not a happy man, but he sure played a good one in front of friends and family. He needed to be found out, and he was. It was only then that any healing could commence and before the healing, there was so much trauma for both of us. His trauma coming from the realization of how deeply he had hurt me and the boys and coming to terms with that and his childhood trauma, and then realizing how difficult recovery really is. He still works at it every day. My trauma obviously coming from being lied to, betrayed, repeatedly cheated on, and gaslighted for 30 years… all exposed within a matter of minutes.

      Since discovery, my instincts have been spot on. I opened myself up to the truth of who my husband really is, and how I would respond to that and let it guide me. There were many days when I felt like I needed to leave for my own sanity. My husband desperately did not want me to leave. He worked HARD so that wouldn’t happen. The big issue here with your situation is that until your husband admits what is really going on, I’m not sure there is much you can do. Perhaps find real proof that he cannot deny and that might prompt some truth out of him? I can say that if your husband is a sex addict and he is hiding a life and has an acting out partner who is driving some of his actions, he is most likely very unhappy and stressed out and that is driving the anger. I know that what my husband did was not about me, but unless he was able to stop hurting me and our children with his actions, it wasn’t going to work. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of what is going on because living as you are has got to be soul crushing. Big hugs. Keep writing and commenting if you feel like it. I’m here. xoxo


  4. What I love about this is the healing you have done, and the fact that you can leave and be totally fine. There must be some kind of freedom with that. I understand what your husband went through, with the seeking validation from others, etc. Not everyone acts out on that, but can be tempted for sure. I am glad that you are on a healthy path.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is a great feeling of freedom knowing that the relationship I have with my husband, which now spans 34 years, does not define me. It is a big part of my life, but not my whole life. Much of my devastation derived from feelings of betrayal and abandonment after I found out about his secret life. I know some don’t believe sex addiction is “real,” but I know it is and knowing that my husband wants to be a better person somehow puts into perspective all that he did in the name of addiction. We are all broken in different ways, but we don’t all actively betray the ones we love in the pursuit of our drug. I know other addicts, caught up in the high, do any number of regrettable acts in the process including lying, breaking vows and promises, and putting very little value on their own life and how their actions affect other people. Recovery is a blessing. Thanks for commenting.


  5. I think forgiveness is such a key word here. It’s what allows us to truly heal. I have something I want to tell you. I’m not sure I want to write about it on my blog, but it’s what triggered me to get a little crazy today. Forgiveness and letting go has a lot to do with it. It frees us from bitterness and it allows us to be our best selves. I am so proud of you both. I’m going to send u an email.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for the email, so sorry it took me so long to get to it. Now that I am feeling better (from some strange cold/flu bug) I am back to a schedule and trying to spend less time sitting and on the electronics and more time being active. I feel better already. Yes, forgiveness is truly for the forgiver. It allows us to move forward in a more constructive way. I’m so glad you have been able to forgive! Big hugs. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • I always thought when people said “forgiveness is the gift you give yourself” it was the lamest thing in the world. Now I understand. I feel lighter and I feel like I’ve been given something amazing. It’s not what I had (I don’t want what I had), but it’s something I want with all my heart.
        I find it so interesting that we are facing the same things at the same time. I feel like we are going through this journey together, and there is nobody else I’d rather have done this with. Thank you for being my friend in my hard times. I know there is so much good waiting in our futures
        P.s. almost wrote “so much food” rather than “good” LOL — there’s that too 💋

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh yes, so much good (and FOOD). I am trying to learn from you by being good with my eating now so I can pig out when I visit Florida! I may go back to NC for a touch up. I think the lesson learned is that we need to be happy with ourselves and then a good, loving relationship is icing on the cake. Oh cake, how I love thee!!! It always comes back to cake for me. *sigh* The feelings we need to abandon are those that make us feel less than, or that we are missing out, or wishing we had some theoretical fairytale that someone else appears to have. There are no free fairytales. We were sold a bill of goods. We can make our own happy ending, but it takes hard work, for everyone. Much love!!! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Kat, thank you for sharing your very brave, honest and raw journey – you are truly an inspiration, hilarious, you have the exact right amount of piss off factor, and you’re a wonderful writer.

    I am 12 months from Dday 1 (I read his email after ongoing strange behavior and found a very sexual email from 1 woman), and 9 months from Dday 2 (confession of infidelity throughout our entire relationship via suicide note. He was almost successful after missing for 28 hours and taking 400 Tylenol plus sleeping pills). Reading where you were at during these same months in my timeline have provided me with validation that I am not crazy in my feelings of anger, desperation, despair, love, hate, wanting to leave/stay, rage etc. all within the same minute. THANK YOU for making me feel it’s ok to love him still, and that it’s ok to want to try and make this work. I am not even close to being caught up in your story, but you have given me so much relief.

    He has left me a total of 5 times during our history (for a matter of days at a time) for what I thought was depression and anxiety, but he admitted in his suicide note that left me for 2 of the OW he thought he loved. As soon as he ended it with me he realized he didn’t love them (or even like them), and would always quickly beg for me back (yes, I feel very doormat-ish, but I’ll own that).

    He started acting out in a previous marriage, and has used real women (no prostitutes); some married, some single, some friends with each other (he got busted by 2 of them), some sexting, some not sex but other physical stuff, some phone sex – but he know all of them (turns out my friends and family also know many of them albeit unbeknownst thank goodness). You have written a lot (from what I have read so far), about the most recent OW of 8 years . Why is she the one you focus on and not the others? I am doing the same with the most recent OW of 2 years and I am finding that this is making me feel stuck – the others still anger me don’t get me wrong, and there were other “2 year (or however long) OW”, but they don’t get the same head space. Have you figured this out?

    BTW – all were unattractive and damaged like in your story. He admitted he would have acted out with anyone (and from what I can see he did), and my partial theory on this is that no one would have ever suspected he was cheating with such unattractive and damaged women because they were so opposite to me (i.e. if a friend or family saw them out for lunch, no one would suspect). Like you and Blue Eyes, we had a wonderful relationship, the one everyone wanted. He would deprive me of sex throughout our entire relationship that got progressively worse as the guilt and shame progressed (sexual anorexia), this felt awful and very lonely, but because it was always like that it wasn’t a deal breaker because we had so much more than sex, we were very close and connected.

    Like you, I have also gotten different answers to questions throughout these months (first he didn’t take one for lunch, then he admitted he did, no videos he said, then admitted to videos) and it makes me want to run. Is he going to change his answer to my questions on if they were in my house or car? Bought them gifts? I just need him to tell me the truth for once, not what he thinks will make me feel better, hello!!

    His anger makes me want to run – many times when I ask him a question that has been ruminating for days, he quickly gets enraged, full of anger, shame and guilt. Before ddays I never saw one ounce of anger, not one. He no longer has a faulty coping mechanism I suppose, but I had my clothes packed the other night from his anger (I’m not in any physical danger). I didn’t WANT to leave, I love him so much, but sometimes it’s so hard imagining a mind without all of this brain damage.

    My H is so sorry, accepts 100% responsibility, sees a CSAT and goes to a weekly SA meeting. We also do couples counselling and I go to individual counselling. He says that he has only ever loved me in his life, and this I believe.

    “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

    I try and remember this when I need to soften my anger and gain compassion.

    You’re wonderful, thank you for being so real xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you SofSA for your comment. Thanks for the validation! I always appreciate comments like yours as it gives me a bit of insight into what others go through, which is often scarily similar to my story. So first, thank you thank you for the wonderful Thich Nhat Hanh quote. Strangely enough I had not heard that one before. It is definitely how I feel about my husband and it resonates deeply. I am happy Blue Eyes wants to work on his suffering and has been for four years. Some in our life who have harmed us have no idea what they have done and have no idea of their own suffering. Unfortunately he has had to go ‘no contact’ with his family for just this reason. My husband’s spiritual component of his healing is he is now a practicing Buddhist. Sunday night he was with his Sangha watching the Thich Nhat Hanh movie ‘Walk With Me.’ He loved it.

      Speaking specifically to your comment regarding why I focus so much energy on the last and longest acting out partner, I have an entry on exactly that dated: November 15, 2015 (realizing that was A LONG time ago) and titled ‘Why her?’ I have figured it out. Although the first three women pursued Blue Eyes as much as he pursued them (or more), they were very short term. They never tried to contact me, never threatened my husband, never blackmailed, and never stalked. They are in relationships now and have been for years. They were also quite some time ago. Specifically 1999-2001. There were no lingering communications or connections. Whereas, the most recent eight year affair partner (divorced delusional older woman) has absolutely nothing to lose by having a relationship with someone else’s husband (mine specifically). She is mean and vindictive and threatening. She talked about my child in the phone calls she made to me outing my husband. But, that is really over now so I try not to focus on her at all other than preventive measures if she starts up some delusional plan to get him back, which she has done in the past. I know it is all on him to shut her down, but BE has zero social media presence and changed his mobile out during the first year. She has called his office, but left some blabbering message that was mostly incoherent so she was probably drunk calling. We actually put in an enhanced security system at our office just because of her. That’s how worried my husband was that she would show up there. Hopefully one day soon I won’t feel any obligation to check up on her, however, I do have a mentally ill sister who behaves similarly to the other woman, so I know what they are capable of. I am the kind of person who sits with her back against the wall at a restaurant so I can see everyone who enters. Blue Eyes has joked that I was mafia in a prior life. I think part of my lingering concern for her erratic behavior is leftover trauma. I don’t like to be blindsided by anything and her phone call was a big FU to me. I know I’ll get past this too.

      Regarding the rest of your comments, I can hear myself in your words. All I can say is my husband kept to his word, he is active in recovery, surrounds himself with other recovering men, and has become a much more honest and compassionate human being over the past couple years. Funny because I always thought he was a compassionate human being. I can see big changes. Once he was without his drug and he was laid bare, he was definitely a different man than the one I married. He is working hard and he tries desperately to remember that whatever vestiges of the trauma remain in me, he brought that on himself. Time has really helped to heal my wounds and get me to a stronger place. That’s the best I can do. Big hugs to you at this early juncture… you’ve got this! xoxo


      • Thank you Kat! I have about a year’s worth of entries to read to the “Why Her?” entry – I’ll be there soon, your writing is riveting! Saying that, I’m so so sorry you had to go though this xo

        I have never heard from or had contact with these women, although the 2 that were friends threatened to tell me, but no word so far. I did write a letter to the latest 2 year OW, and I sent it to my friend (along with the OW’s address) to do what she wanted with it in September. I can honestly say “I” never sent the OW a letter (but I hope my friend did). They all thought they were the only one, but he was acting out with so many at the same time. I don’t know why the latest 2 year OW is getting so much head space – she’s a downgrade in every sense of the word. And they were all the same, not one more special than the other.

        Sometimes I am still so shocked, as in, an electric shock runs though my body. He was so wonderful, kind, compassionate, loving, but also so anxious, secretive, mean when he left me those 5 times. I was so confused, I treated him so well.Why was he in such turmoil! I would talk him through this anxiety, help and hug him….now I know the anxiety was all about this. I know this had and has nothing to do with me – sex addicts are messed up and in pain. He is relieved the secret is out, and I am left with it all on my shoulders to figure out. Thanks for that asshole, oh and thanks for all the other shit too (NOT!).

        I’ve been pain shopping today – I asked my H last week if one of the 2 friends that is named Shannon was Shannon “X” from our industry (her friend was also from our industry); he hesitated, and then said no. I’m sure most if not all betrayed analyze every answer; how long it took to answer, was he looking to the right or left, did he look me in the eyes, if the answer was different to the same question but just asked in a different way, does that really make sense… pain shopping includes facebook and google searches. I even created a fake facebook profile (named Karma Haha) because I fantasize about telling them that I know, and telling them to tell their husbands before I do. I deleted it, so much time and energy wasted when I should be focusing on myself, my children, and my H who has overcome so much – suicide attempt, recovery, entirely new career, facing his family (mine does not know), begging me not to leave him….but I am stuck in my pain shopping of the past. I’ll own that, I know I need to be present but it’s hard to be present and try not to think about why I have such a pain in my chest. I hope this goes away soon!

        I have very good instincts, my therapist told me that if I think he is lying about certain things, I am right and to believe what I think happened as true. I think letting him continue to lie/omit is letting him off the hook.I believe my H should say the words, admit it and see my face as he says it. When does one stop asking?

        I used to be a person with sunshine coming out of my heart! I miss that girl, but I know she’s still in there. I also miss how I used to look at my H, I would look at him so lovingly and happy that he always did and said the right thing, I miss our inside jokes (usually sexual but now are a trigger), I miss touching him and believing he only wanted to touch me. I miss all of that – that was my dopamine and now it’s gone.

        When does that loving feeling come back?

        Hugs xo


      • Thank you Kat, it is a very traumatic experience 😦 I believe my H has not acted out since the 2nd Dday in March 2017 (he was using porn between 1st Dday and the @nd Dday).

        How did you handle the continual lies and omissions? I firmly believe my H is still lying/omitting (I’m pretty much like the FBI – I will find everything out) and it’s making me crazy.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I was the same (like the FBI) and that is why I have so many entries that mention and address his continual lying. Even as recently as this past summer, he was ungrounded and he finally admitted to having thoughts about the young woman in the incense store. Of course I knew something was going on. He minimized it even though I could clearly see either the action or the hiding it was causing him to be emotionally unstable. Honesty is the most important aspect of his recovery, for me. So, I did not handle it well. It was his lies and omissions that kept me on edge and in active trauma. I knew if he couldn’t tell the truth, he wouldn’t get better. Unfortunately, lying was his safety net. I don’t think he could remember a day when he hadn’t lied. Changing that ingrained behavior takes a long time. He will be working on this aspect of his personality for years, I believe, maybe forever. The nature of the beast. I do believe, however, that he is trying very hard to be genuine and not hide from his addiction and not hide from my response to it. I am actually a VERY understanding person and when I ask for one simple (not so simple for him) thing, it is imperative he take it seriously. I believe he is, now.

          The thing that I hear quite a bit in stories and online, blogs, etc… is that once the cheater has been found out, whether a sex addict or not, the partner thinks they will just automatically be good, be better, be honest, whatever. It doesn’t happen that way. There are underlying reasons behind the cheating and those need to be addressed regardless. Healing from sex addiction is a lifelong process. They might be able to stop their hurtful behaviors (and those behaviors are hurtful to themselves as much as they are hurtful to us) it doesn’t mean they are cured, or recovered, or whatever. For me, realizing that he could remain sober but not be recovered was a tough lesson. We all have issues we want to work on. His is a big one. I have accepted this and we move on together. In time, they learn how to be more honest and genuine and we heal from the trauma and learn to be more understanding of their burden. Big hugs! xo


  7. I agree in that each person in a relationship is responsible for their own behavior and implications. We are also responsible for our own healing and boundaries we set. Happy to hear you’re starting to heal💜😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been healing for quite some time now. It’s a long process. I think I am just now in a reflecting mood as we are approaching the four year anniversary of a very devastating phone call from the other woman. There were days when I thought I would never be able to live an even half way “normal” life again. I am very happy those days are behind me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        • My sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder nearly 20 years ago. Unfortunately, her process is definitely for life and many days she still feels hopeless. She has PTSD and suffered multiple sexual molestations in her childhood. My situation is much different from hers and so yes, I do realize we are all on different paths to healing. I feel grateful for all the help I have received and this blog has really been a positive way to share my pain on many days. I am glad to now be able to share more healing and happiness. xo


          • Yes, everyone’s process is different. There’s a fine line somewhere between ability and capability that can make the process take a longer or shorter period time. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. I’m glad you and I found this blog community too. It is helping us heal 🙂

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