Disclaimer: I took two dance classes and a stretching class this past Saturday, then took two very long walks, and now my right knee is absolutely screaming at me. Exercise is critical to my continued health goals. Damn I HATE being injured and grounded. It pisses me off. So here goes…
I’m not sure if anyone ever watches the Youtube videos I link here. I know it’s annoying having to sit through short ads and whatnot. I posted this one because I think it is a beautiful video. My boys cringe when I play Top 40/Pop songs, but I have always listened to Top 40, and I love a lot of the music. I have taken to doing my Zumba moves whenever a song plays that I know from Zumba class. I don’t care… I love to dance, even knowing I am not good at it. Anyway, I think this ridiculously overplayed song by Ed Sheeran is beautiful and with the addition of Andrea Bocelli, well, it fills that empty void I sometimes get, the one left behind by my husband’s betrayal. Sometimes I long for that time when I believed that Blue Eyes thought I looked perfect in a certain dress, or on a certain night, but mostly I just love to close my eyes and listen.
Sometimes I do have days where the emptiness sits in a pit in my stomach and the melancholy threatens to absorb me and no amount of music can fix what is broken. I try not to go away anymore. I try really hard to stay with it, to live in my reality no matter how painful. We are well into year five and the pain is deadened for sure, but it’s still there, deep inside. It’s not going to ever go completely away. My world goes on. I have a happy and fulfilling life, but the truth is there is nothing my husband can do to take away all he did that hurt me. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the truth. I know this is a truth a lot of people live with. I know I’m not special in this regard.
I do go full days without thinking about betrayal. I go weeks without thinking about the other women who slithered their way into my life by way of my lying husband. I go months without thinking how long it has been since my story was torn from me with a single phone call. And I go very long periods of time now without shedding a tear. But that does not mean that there isn’t a hole.
We’ve been quite busy. I returned from North Carolina mid May. Upon my return, there was that whirlwind week of Mother’s Day, my Birthday, a trip to California, lots of birthday meals strewn in, decadence, lots of decadence, Blue Eyes made sure my birthday week was very special.
Then the following week we jetted off to New York City. I booked us into a gorgeous 49th floor condo building in the heart of mid-town on Fifth Avenue.
Amazing, and add to that meal after meal of delicious food, because, you know, NYC!!!
And family! We were together in the city to share a very big day with our older son. We are so proud of both our boys, but that older kid, man he just keeps blowing us away with the way he handles the world he has built around himself. He was in charge of an event, one of four people, he being the youngest, the only American and literally hundreds of people showed up to share that day with him. Because he was the only local, the vast majority of visitors on opening night were there just for him. And it was a beautiful night with people literally spilling out into the streets of Chelsea. We stood back and watched him, seemingly with little effort, handling the opening night crowd with grace and a kind of confidence and ease that can’t be bought, or taught. Truthfully, both Blue Eyes and I are fairly confident in front of people, but The Pragmatist makes us look like amateurs. It’s a gift he came to us with.
We returned from NY and I poured myself into finding our company new office space. Not sure if I had mentioned earlier that on the tail of one of our main employees up and quitting (and stealing a bunch of stuff), the management company/high rise office tower we have been leasing space from for a dozen years decided they wanted a full floor tenant and that means they need our space for that tenant. So much for loyalty these days. At first I thought it was going to be a fight, and we enlisted the help of our attorneys and then I went scouring the town for viable alternative ready-to-move-into spaces, but it seems we will be able to do a deal with the current management company. I’m actually pretty excited about one of the spaces they showed us, but I did spend a lot of time in meetings and days touring office space for lease and buildings for purchase before reconciling the matter. We are still in negotiations, but I feel confident.
Yesterday was our day to drive out to the farm and pick up our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) vegetables. This year we have started a new tradition of visiting a nearby Mexican restaurant for street tacos before picking up our veggies. It’s a dive of a place, but the tacos are SO delicious, with fresh meats and veg, and homemade tortillas. Can you tell I’m a bit in love with Mexican food. 🙂
As I sat there waiting for our tacos, a young Mexican girl ran by, dark mane flowing with a bright ribbon in her hair. She was speaking Spanish to her mother, a thirty something woman, both of them clearly still in their Sunday church attire. There was something about that little girl and her mother that took me back.
I NEVER know when it’s going to hit me. In a split second I was back in Santa Clara, California. It was Summer 1999 and my boys and I had just been to the amusement park. We were tired and happy carrying our souvenirs and trudging our way up the stairs of Blue Eyes’ apartment that he rented while he worked away from home. He worked as a consultant in Silicon Valley five days a week. We lived in Oregon. During the summer we sometimes traveled to visit him and stayed with him in his apartment. As we made our way up the stairs that early summer afternoon, a 30-something Hispanic woman and her two girls (similar ages to my boys) were coming down the stairs from Blue Eyes’ apartment. The woman didn’t look familiar and she refused to make eye contact with me. I asked Blue Eyes about it later and he said it was “Ashley” the woman who did some clerical work for him (but I never received an invoice), plus cleaned his apartment, and so he let her bring her daughters to use the pool, BUT she wasn’t supposed to be there when I was there with the boys. Blue Eyes seemed pretty upset we had crossed paths. At the time, although I thought it was strange that she didn’t say hi or anything–again she knew who I was, I did not know who she was–or WHAT she was to my husband, I wasn’t all that concerned. I never in a million years thought my husband was a lying cheater.
I’m not sure why that girl yesterday reminded me of one of Ashley’s daughter’s (“Ashley” is a freakin’ Grandma at least 2x over at this point), maybe it was the ribbon in her long hair, but she did and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Blue Eyes noticed the change in my mood, but had no idea what was going on. I told him how I was feeling. There is nothing for him to do in these situations except remind me how sorry he is for all he has done. And he did that, but it doesn’t help. Nothing really helps. It’s just an emptiness now brought on by the knowledge that something was stolen from me that I can never get back. He can never make it right. No one can. It doesn’t feel good.
Later that evening we talked a bit more about “Ashley” and about that time period. She was Blue Eyes’ first extramarital relationship, 10 years into our marriage, 15 years into our relationship. As it turns out, Blue Eyes’ memory is a lot clearer now than it was four years ago. He remembers vividly now what happened. He invited her to his hotel room in Silicon Valley (before he had the apartment) where they first had sex, one time, then she left. They never had sex in the Santa Clara apartment, but she did clean it and she did use the pool on occasion with her daughters. The second time they were “together,” she flew into a different California city where he now had a different apartment. He made her salmon dinner as he wasn’t comfortable taking her out in public and he felt he owed her a meal, and he loves salmon. Again she orchestrated how sex would happen. She started by giving him a blow job, but during the process he called out my name (he has always said this happened). She became upset, stopped everything. He never “came.” She cried and slept in the living room on the sofa. She did take a shower before he took her to the airport the next morning (thus the long bleached blond hair in the shower that I later found). Knowing more details doesn’t help with any of it anymore. It just makes me wonder why he couldn’t come up with the truth, or the full story, four years ago. I think he made the whole thing (in his own mind) into something much more than it actually was, part of that fantasy he had to keep going–to feed his addiction. I never feel like I have the full story and it doesn’t really matter much anymore. I know he has the capacity to lie over and over. That is what I know to be the truth. It is definitely totally a reflection on him and not on me. Maybe some day he will realize that telling the truth is the only honest and healthy way to live. And then again, maybe he won’t. Ashley did call Blue Eyes years later to ask him what they had had together, and he told her nothing. Ashley was married at the time as well. Again, it makes me wonder about some women, or this particular woman. She flirted, she seduced, she allowed herself (a married woman) to be seduced by a married man and they had full fledged sex exactly ONE TIME. Who thinks that is a relationship? Then of course she blackmailed him into hiring her incompetent playboy of a brother. The whole thing is just sick.
I am grateful that I am able to go very long periods of time now without any trauma induced feelings, or harmful behavior, or depressed days, but there is still that little empty spot inside me. It’s smaller than it used to be, but I know it will never disappear completely.
Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don’t deserve this
You look perfect tonight
I hope Blue Eyes realizes I am a fucking angel to have put up with him through all of this. Obviously it’s been one of those days. I NEVER thought there would come a day in my life where not being able to exercise would PISS ME OFF. Who am I?