Where to start…

Wow, it’s been a while. It’s August already. How did that happen? I missed a whole month here on the blog. I have been trying to keep up with the few blogs I follow. Please know that I am here and I feel the pain. I remember all the stages, vividly.

I am thrilled and dismayed at the number of wives of sex addicts blogs that exist now versus when I started blogging. Thrilled only because now there is a community here that truly understands. Under the circumstances, feeling alone and misunderstood is a miserable place to be. Having even a few people who get it, makes a world of difference.

Honestly, when I first put pen to paper, so to speak, I could only find two wives of sex addict blogs and very few commenters on my own blog that could relate to my unique situation. This was less than four years ago, and yet, sex addiction has been around quite a while. People just weren’t writing about it. The blogs I found were pretty defunct and I wasn’t confident enough to even comment back then. I was lost, broken, destroyed actually. I stuck pretty close to betrayed wives blogs (with no apparent SA component) and found a solid, loving, caring group of mostly women who tried to understand me and my situation with the sex addiction component, but they for sure understood the betrayal component.

Even though it seems like infidelity and divorce are so common place these days as to be more common than honesty, loyalty, and fidelity, I actually know a lot of happily married couples. No one’s marriage is perfect. Life is hard, but some very much do get to take for granted that their spouse is at the very least, faithful. I’m not part of that group. Apparently I never was. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband is an addict. We all have choices. I have chosen to stay.

Blogs come and go. Marriages heal, or they don’t. Divorce is real. People stop blogging eventually if they feel it keeps them mired in the trauma, or they just move on from the need to write regularly. We all understand this. Unfortunately, addiction doesn’t just go away. Addiction recovery is part of our daily life. It will never be in the rearview. I get this and I’m okay with it. Ignoring the obvious doesn’t really solve anything. The most valuable lesson I have learned, however, is that it is not my addiction. I don’t have to focus on it. My husband will or won’t stay sober. I have no control over what he does, but I do my best to take care of myself first, and to also understand how important his recovery is, and to accommodate his needs. I have diabetes and Blue Eyes does his best to accommodate me and my needs. Some days are better than others, but life is good!

There were so many days in the first two years post discovery when I couldn’t imagine those words coming out of my mouth. And I am so very grateful for the friends I have made here. Dozens of pen pals (by way of email, text, messenger, etc…) and connections on Instagram and Facebook, but perhaps my favorite are the amazing women I have met in person through this blog. Some are wives of sex addicts, some are betrayed wives, some are with their husbands, and some are not. One lovely woman is neither the wife of a sex addict nor a betrayed spouse. She’s someone wanting to help a friend, and happened upon this blog. I could not have predicted the fact that 4 1/2 years after thinking my life was over, I would know such amazing women and call some of them close friends. I feel so honored. I mean it’s not for nothing that I travel all the way from the Pacific Northwest of the United States to New Zealand to meet one of my all time favorite people!

Thank you blogging community for helping to make me whole again. I am forever grateful.

I have much more to write about, but for now, I’m going to sign off with a link to the birthday cake I made for my sister’s 50th birthday this past weekend. This is the most delicious cake I have ever made. My older son, The Pragmatist, found this recipe a few years ago and this is the second time we’ve made it for my sister’s birthday. Disclaimer: we are chocoholics. Those who don’t love chocolate need not read any further. This cake is absolutely divine. Decadent deep chocolate cake covered in rich ganache and frosted with chocolate buttercream. Oh my!

My sister and I both love forest animals and she especially loves foxes. I hopped on Etsy and ordered up a couple fun decorations and voila. A cute cake for a childlike 50 year old and her equally childish 55 year old sister.

If you decide to make this cake… I’ll be right over. You’ll need my help to finish it off. It’s THAT rich! 😁

Flourishing Foodie

16 thoughts on “Where to start…

  1. That cake! Chocolate is my absolute favorite in any dessert.
    I continue to be amazed at how you have touched so many people in your journey. I am grateful to know you 💛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You need a food blog. Seriously! Not only do you make wonderful meals but your photography skills are just as good. Ina Garten watch out! Here comes Kat.
    I get frustrated at social media occasionally but when I think of parents with ill children who have reached out, or a tsunami hits, and we know it in real time to help however we can, or someone needs a virtual hug then it becomes a village. It might show the worst of us but it also brings out the best in us.
    I hope life gives you nothing but peace from now on. I love this, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
    Keep blogging!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Moi. I will keep blogging because it seems I really like it, and I always have something to say, just ask my family. My mother constantly talks about what a shy child I was. She can’t figure out when I changed. I changed when I knew I needed to be heard. Now they can’t shut me up! But I totally love my alone time too, but my brain still goes a mile a minute. And I love Ina Garten. I make her recipes all the time. 😁 My next entry is about travel. My other true love (besides cooking and eating). ❤️

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  3. This has been an extremely painful journey for me, but now as I am well into year 3, I can see that I’ve grown. In the beginning, I was in so much emotional pain that too often came out as anger, even rage. I was also so confused by this addiction. As others have noted, SA is not what you think it is. I, too, have been blessed to meet some absolutely wonderful women who share this “journey.” Kat, you were there for me at a time when I was hopelessly lost and so confused. You answered my long, emotional emails and listened to me go on and on. I will forever be grateful to you for that. Sometimes I go back and reread those emails and I’m always so touched that you obviously put so much time and thought in your responses to me. There’s no way I could ever repay you for that, but I have tried to pay it forward and be there for others. Thank you for this blog and thank you for being you. I sincerely hope that we get to meet in person some day. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • We will absolutely meet one of these days. I can’t believe you were so close and I wasn’t able to make it down! It will happen! Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes what we really need is someone to listen and understand. Paying it forward is the best thing we can do because sex addiction induced betrayal trauma is so difficult to get through without friends who really get it! You are amazing and so strong! I’m so glad to know you! ❤️

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  4. That cake is so completely adorable.
    It’s hard to find chocolate cake that is actually deeply chocolate. Sometimes I think if u close your eyes, you wouldn’t be able to say that most chocolate cakes have a distinct chocolate taste at all. So a truly chocolatey chocolate cake is a thing worthy of reverence 😆
    And u know what flavor is a complete mystery to me? Red velvet? What flavor is red lol ??? I don’t know, these are the dumb things I think about.
    I’m sure the birthday was a great success.
    Lots of love,
    C

    Liked by 1 person

    • I thought the cake turned out pretty cute. She liked it! And yes, the cake is deeply chocolate-y, very moist and just so delicious! Red velvet is only red because it has food coloring, ick! It has a teeny bit of cocoa, which makes it weird. I will say though that those red velvet churros in LA were pretty good because they were deep fried and served with a light and lovely cream cheese frosting. I’m still a bit shocked I ordered those. My churro loving son was appalled! LOL! I’m hoping you get to meet both my kids next month. For my sister’s birthday dinner I made spaghetti and meatballs and crab louie salad, her favorites. She was very happy! I’m counting the days until your arrival! 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can’t wait to see you too ♥️♥️♥️. I never told you about my search for the ultimate churro in Barcelona that ended in failure LOL (it’s because their Churros aren’t sweet (only Mexican churros are). It’s the chocolate they dip it in is sweet… epic fail). Anyway red believer sounds pretty crazy — but u know my philosophy on eating while on vacation 🤷🏻‍♀️😜

        Liked by 1 person

  5. 1- I need that cake in my life. Now. Holy cow.
    2- I love how you’ve made your space a place of love and friendship. You’ve truly connected with wonderful people. But that is because you are a wonderful person and it shows through what you share.
    3- I hope people others really caught your message – that these issues, diseases, addictions, etc. are that of our partner, not a reflection of us. It’s so hard not to find flaws and fault in ourselves after this kind of trauma. It breaks our souls but good counseling, friends, reflection, and perseverance will help us heal. Might be a bumpy, scarred kind of healing but it’s a new skin that reminds us we come out from under the dark cloud at some point.
    Wonderful post, Kat. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! The cake is amazing. I’m forever grateful that I chose to blog. It was one of the best decisions I made during a very difficult time. And yes, other people’s wounds and poor decisions are not our burden to carry. We need all that energy for ourselves. Big hugs from across the country! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

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