Arriving Paradise. Our resort way down there.
Last month we spent nine days in Hawaii. Mostly I wanted to just relax, bask in the sunshine, walk along the beach, devour afternoon snacks by the pool. We didn’t have a rental car and weren’t near any actual town, just in a resort area, so we stayed put, all nine days. Paradise!
A portion of the view from our room: Secret Lagoon
One of those poolside snacks: chips, salsa, and guacamole
Since we were “stuck” at the Four Seasons (ha ha, FS Resorts are AMAZING!), we ate a lot of good, fresh, healthy food.
Hummus Garden at the poolside bistro. So delicious!
Seriously though, that infinity pool with Pacific Ocean beyond, bliss!!!
Gorgeous sunsets, so many gorgeous sunsets!
Serenity Pool.
And walks on the beach at Secret Lagoon. The weather was perfect every day, 78-80 degrees, and a gentle breeze.
A seal sunning himself at the little beach near the adult pool. He’s my hero!
Breakfast in paradise. All the food was beautiful.
Everything seems so perfect, right? Well, I was having a fabulous time of it, and Blue Eyes was with me, but working quite a bit. I asked him often if he was accomplishing anything. Who goes to paradise to be hunkered over a laptop all day? Not me, that’s for sure. I didn’t even take my laptop.
Once again, not a surprise that Blue Eyes had his laptop. His work is what affords us luxurious travel, but there has got to be some compromise. He was up early many days to take conference calls. He had presentations to review and docs to prepare… but, it seemed like he wasn’t really accomplishing much. He was hyper, distracted, and wanting sex all the time, when he wasn’t working that is.
About halfway through the week, I was listening to my music, relaxing by the pool, contemplating my next snack, Blue Eyes at my side in a big, cushy double size day bed by the adult pool, when a woman walked by who caught Blue Eyes attention. He didn’t stare when she was approaching, but once her backside was to him, he stared without pulling his eyes away until she was on her lounge chair on the other side of the pool. Now, I see men do this ALL THE TIME. Blatantly STARE at a woman as she passes. Many times women know they are being stared at. It makes some of us (me) quite uncomfortable, while I know others get an ego boost. I really do find it quite vulgar and crude, not appealing. A subtle glance is one thing. A long stare, quite another. For my husband, the recovering sex addict, it’s disgusting and very wrong. “Funny” thing too, there were lots of gorgeous bodies at that pool, day in, day out, but the woman Blue Eyes decides to ogle at is an overweight 40 something in a one piece with a rather large derrière. I did like her swimsuit. It was modest, but in no way covered this woman’s assets.
When Blue Eyes eventually went back to looking at his laptop he didn’t even look towards me to see if I had noticed his indiscretion. Nope, just stayed right there, inside himself, inside that warped brain not acknowledging at all that he had done something wrong. During the entire minute-long ass stare down, Blue Eyes didn’t care if anyone knew his secret, it was just him and that body part. HIT!
I did not just let it go. I mentioned to Blue Eyes that I had seen him stare at the woman. At that point (and not before), he snapped out of it, out of the addictive haze. Some readers not familiar with sex addiction might think I am making something out of nothing. All guys stare. Nope. Blue Eyes crossed one of his own boundaries. Those boundaries are there for a reason. Sex addicts AREN’T like regular people. Blue Eyes acknowledged his error and went about enlisting his resources. He headed off to meditate with the on-site Buddha, leaving his laptop and taking his 12 step materials with him. I stayed and luxuriated by the pool. Blue Eyes crossing that simple boundary was not unexpected. It all started with his bad habits, the overworking, the ridiculous sex drive. He tried to do better as the week progressed.
Two bridal parties getting some gorgeous shots at the Secret Lagoon. I hope everyone stays kind, loving, and faithful. Odds are against them.
My view up from our favorite spot by the pool.
Blue Eyes’ Sunday ritual of lox & bagels made all that much better in Hawaii on our lanai.
Dusk shot of the Serenity Pool.
As our vacation came to an end, I desperately wanted to stay, but knew I couldn’t. While Blue Eyes was checking us out and ordering the Uber, I watched a scene from an episode of Magnum PI being filmed at one of the resort restaurants. We had an amazing time overall.
Then, we headed to the airport, where things fell apart. We got on our plane for home, sat in our seats… and sat, and sat, and sat. Mechanical difficulties. We were unloaded from the hot plane, back into the airport where we waited and waited. I was tempted to head back to the hotel.
It was then that I noticed a 20ish blonde, tan, gorgeous, with a knock out figure and almost no clothes on. Clearly no bra and the top of her mini dress barely covering her perfect breasts. A real beauty. My first thought, why would anyone dress so provocatively in a public place. Blue Eyes was in front of me, as we passed the girl, she smiled at Blue Eyes and then she perused me up and down and gave me the look. The look mean girls give when they have just stolen your boyfriend. FUCK ME!!! I was not in the mood for this shit. I ignored her and Blue Eyes found us a place to sit and wait.
I asked my husband if he had stared at that girl. He had the nerve to say “what girl,” with that kind of dumb, innocent look. Which of course just increased my frustration. Bottom line: yes he had stared, AND SMILED. Ah fuck. I was tired. I pointed out that what he did was sick. Did he really think she wanted him (delusional)? Truth is, he doesn’t think. I also pointed out that his look and creepy smile validated her ridiculous outfit, and made me look like a woman who can’t keep her husband happy so he has to smile at scantily clad girls the age of his children. I’m so sick of this game. Why is his instinct not to immediately look away from all of that??? Maybe if every time he looked or stared or smiled he was stabbed in the dick with a big hot poker? Maybe then he would stop.
I ignored him most of the flight home. No point beating a dead horse. He knew he did wrong. Maybe he’ll do better next time.
Leaving Oahu.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Those pics are so beautiful! My husband and I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I long to go back when it warms up. I have to say it’s admirable that you’re sticking with your husband as he works through his addiction. I can’t imagine how difficult it has been and must be at times. However, your love and support is exactly what he needs to heal. We all go through ups and downs in relationships but there is great value in freely forgiving each other (Colossians 3:13,14). Your example is very inspiring.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, heather, for your kind comment. Hawaii is a beautiful place, and so is forgiveness.
LikeLike
There are few things that burn me like disrespect. That must of felt horrible in the airport.
I would never ogle another women’s man, but that hummus? Different story, it’s beautiful 😍
♥️♥️♥️
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know, right? The watermelon radishes and cucumbers were pickled, and the cauliflower was pickled with curry. The hummus was perfect. Really perfect!!! 😍
LikeLiked by 2 people
I ogled the bagels and lox.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was a sight to behold! 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gorgeous photography. I want lox, now! As far as the staring- the one lady had no idea she was the object, but sometimes I can actually feel stares and always readjust clothing (just in case). The young lady was probably too ignorant to understand the different personas of others, to even understand what staring back would mean. And don’t get me started on the clothing of today. I’m glad I don’t have a daughter to wrestle with about outfits. PS, I loved your beautiful swimsuit and I know you looked fabulous in it! 💛
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, A. You are too kind. That breakfast was so beautiful! Likewise on the girl thing. Obviously I would have welcomed a daughter, but I can just imagine the arguments regarding clothing. When my boys were Bar Mitzvah age they went to numerous parties. Oh my, the shortest mini skirts you’ve ever seen! I just couldn’t believe it. And often times their parents were there. 😮. xo
LikeLike
Thenotel and food look fantastic. The positive I took from this is that he listened to you at the pool and put coping mechanisms into place. But you really made me giggle with the hot poker and penis scenario. Respect to you respect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think the red hot poker might work. I just don’t want to have to carry it around with me, ALL THE TIME, lol. All in all, but had a wonderful time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
(Also; ick. I’m sorry that you’re his police. I wish he was habit forming in the other direction a bit. Where he actually moderates on purpose automatically, instead of slipping into asshole land
LikeLiked by 2 people
He is, CR, but there is no perfection. Too many years of bad habits to change overnight. He has made loads and loads of progress. I’m just not one to pretend. He still fucks up, and it still sucks.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Big time. Xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really never understand looking like that when travelling. Layers. Planes are either hot or cold never in between, they are never that comfortable even when flying first class so being in a skirt or short anything is a mistake if you might be able to move your legs a little… there’s just no point!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha, yes, CR, there are SO many impractical people in this world. Maybe she had a real wardrobe in her bag? But the airport in warm locales also seem to be ridiculously cold, possibly it’s more obvious because of the temperature difference. I don’t understand a lot of people.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep. Sex addicts are not normal people. They can’t look, smile,or innocently flirt like the rest of us. Just like an alcoholic can’t have one teenie glass of champagne at a wedding. There is much research out there that supports this and explains what happens to the brain of a sex addict. But until I lived with it, I’m not sure I believed it. Sometimes the “trigger” is a bombshell, sometimes it’s someone who is average in looks, and sometimes it’s like, seriously? Her? Clearly the bombshell in the airport wanted attention, and dressing like you described she was dressed will definitely make people look. I’m sure she received many stares and smiles that day. Interesting that she was alone. Pre-discovery I would have never thought a thing of my husband looking at a pretty girl at the beach (He has never been one to stare.) Now I would say, “How are you feeling today? Is it going to be okay to go to the beach?” and he would know what I mean. Because, as you say, the problem starts before the trigger appears with how the sex addict is feeling and where they are emotionally.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Yep, Maggie. You are absolutely correct. At year 6, however, he has to be able to regulate himself. I’m not going to ask him every day he seems a bit off (dare I say every day) if he’s okay to go out in the world. It could have just as easily been a woman at home in a snowsuit who looked like she needed help. Or the 60 year old cashier at the grocery store whose car won’t start. He has to respect his own boundaries all the time, regardless of mood. I mentioned both instances to him after the fact because he didn’t seem to realize what he was doing. That is where it gets scary because the more unaware, the more likely the escalation. I hadn’t seen him stare, smile, flirt, for a long time. He can correct his behavior. A big issue was the fact that he didn’t seem to acknowledge it to himself. The girl at the airport wasn’t alone, she was with a group of people, most likely her family. I hate hate hate that there are women who dress like that to get attention. It’s sad, but not my problem. I actually wrote a post a long time ago about how girls dress and a conversation between two mothers of daughters. The young woman at the airport was not that young though. Maybe 28-30 if I had to guess. Pissed me off even more because he fell into a big disgusting trap. To a sex addict her outfit read loose or desperate. I wonder if that was what she was going for? Doesn’t exactly attract the best mate.
I keep writing because addiction doesn’t just magically disappear, it has to be acknowledged and managed. They need to be the one managing it. I’m exhausted! xo
LikeLiked by 4 people
I’m so jealous! As far as B E…shaking my head. When you and I travel…WE’LL be the ones looking…at least I will…but I’ll only be looking. No harm in looking as long as they don’t get any ideas. LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha, it’s a date! ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
It looks like a beautiful place, but it’s a pity his eyes weren’t just for you. Hope you don’t mind me saying that?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t mind at all. Hawaii is a beautiful place and relatively close to where we are. I also love the Caribbean. Sex addiction is a complicated beast, and it sucks. His eyes not being solely for me literally broke my heart five years ago. Unfortunately addiction doesn’t just right itself, recovery has to be worked every day. It does hurt though. Not like him drooling over a whiskey sour or a vial of heroine. Its women’s body parts… and the bigger double-edged sword, he couldn’t care less about the women, just their parts. Our relationship has always been about much more than sex, but it still affects me. 😢
LikeLiked by 4 people
I know my husband looks and appreciates other women’s bodies. I find other men attractive. I guess there is a difference between a glance and ogling. He has never ogled in front of me.
Its strange but I’m more ok with him looking post affair. I think it’s due to the work I’ve put in to myself.
Hawaii looks amazing. Glad you had a mostly good trip.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, H2H. There is a big difference between non addicts and sex addicts. I don’t get a hit by looking at a nice body. Usually my thought is, wow, I wonder how long that person has to work out to get that body! And yeah, I never stare. It’s creepy. With my husband he’s not doing this from a conscious part of his mind. It’s habit, bad bad habit. He has to be diligent. It’s that simple. It’s just not okay for sex addicts to look at people in this way. The situation at the pool would have been the bigger issue had he not smiled at the young woman at the airport. My husband always flirted. I didn’t think a thing of it, until I found out the truth about him. It’s good that you’re better now with the looking. My concern is not for me, but for my husband breaking his own rules. I want him to do better. I know the truth about him now, but the bigger deal is that he knows the truth about himself. Hawaii was gorgeous. I had a wonderful time! xo
LikeLiked by 2 people
My husband has always been a bit of a flirt as well. He has boundary issues and is codependent thanks to his parents. He’s been setting better boundaries for himself and for our marriage, which is critical as you well know.
I imagine for BE, looking at those women is like an alcoholic getting too close to a bottle of booze.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep. Very similar to that. It sets off something in that frontal lobe. I’m glad your husband is setting boundaries for himself. Awareness of triggers, and consequences (no excuses) is a really big part of the battle. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
He really is making progress. It took a long time for our therapist to help him understand what boundaries are, why they are important for his own health and how to set and enforce them. A lot of FOO issues with him. His family isn’t quite as dysfunctional as BE’s but they’ve got some toxicity. I pulled away from his family after going to therapy for a bit and realizing how negative they are and how much they suck energy from me and just aren’t good for me all around. I’ve kept my kids at a distance as well. I’m much happier and more peaceful since doing that.
He’s become more aware of his triggers and is working on better reactions. He tends to just lose his shit. He’s getting better at slowing down and using his words like an adult 🙂
I’ve had my own work to do as well. The affair was 100% him, but we both developed some bad behaviors over the years that needed attention.
For right now, its good. And right now is all I have, so I’m enjoying it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sounds like a lot of work is being done, and that’s what it takes to have a strong relationship. Sometimes I wish BE would lose his shit. Unfortunately he keeps it mostly inside, and inside is where the problems are. It sounds like you are doing better. ❤️
LikeLike