Hwy. 101, photo credit Clay Banks

I’m not really a country music fan, but I do have quite a bit of it in my iTunes library as I purchase it and load it on my sister’s old school iPod. We bought the iPod for her as a Christmas gift a few years ago. She doesn’t have internet, or a budget for such frivolities, so I keep it updated for her. She tells me what songs she likes and wants added, because I would have no clue.

So there is all that country music mixed in and playing randomly while I am driving and have my music on shuffle. Much of it I forward past, but there was a song that showed up as I was driving last week to visit my Dad and Step Mom. They happened to be staying at a time-share a couple hours south of our beach house, so I hopped in my car and drove down the highway to see them. I love the drive, it’s full of gorgeous ocean views, farm land, and cute little seaside towns. It was also one of those perfect weather days.

Oregon Elk Herd, photo Eric Muhr

As I’m driving, a song comes on called STAY. I have a Rihanna song on my playlist with the same name, so I thought it was that, but it wasn’t. This STAY is an older song by Sugarland (country music group) that I hadn’t heard before.

It goes like this:

I’ve been sittin’ here, starin’ at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been layin’ here, prayin’
Prayin’ she won’t call
It’s just another call from home, and you’ll get it
And be gone, and I’ll be cryin’ And I’ll be beggin’ you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I’ll be left here waitin’
My heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we’ll be here
Seems like a million years, and I think I’m dyin’ What do I have to do to make you see
She can’t love you like me? Why don’t you stay?
I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of bein’ lonely
Don’t I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay? You keep tellin’ me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don’t think that’s the truth
And I don’t like bein’ used, and I’m tired of waitin’ It’s too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share I can’t take it any longer, but my will is gettin’ stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute
After all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best
Why does she get the best of you? So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine Why don’t you stay?
I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of bein’ lonely
You can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way Baby, why don’t you stay?

The song is quite beautiful. I replayed it again so I could absorb the lyrics. It’s not a happy song. The first time I just listened, but I kept thinking, well it’s just another cheating song. Don’t date taken men. Don’t think it’s going to go your way. At the end, when she sings her strength though, it made me think… we all need to be stronger. We need more. We need better. We need partners, both men and women, who have more… more strength, more integrity, more honesty. The whole adage, “if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you,” is often very true. But the bigger deal is, “why is he cheating?” If they tell you stories about how awful their marriage is (but they haven’t left it) or how awful their partner is (but they haven’t left them) or that they aren’t getting enough from their partner… what’s going to happen when they aren’t getting enough from you?

I think the song was written by the vocalist in the group, and in the video below, she’s sobbing while singing, leading me to believe it’s her story. The message is one of strength. She ultimately gets up and realizes she doesn’t have to settle for feeling lonely and like she’s second best. I totally get this. I understand what it feels like to be in love with someone who is distracted and not fully committed, a liar and a cheat, as it turns out. What’s more important though, is that we know we are better than the weakness of the people we share our bed with. That’s the thing about affairs, and affair songs, and affair movies… it’s not real. Relationships are not all about what goes on in the bedroom. They are absolutely not all about fantasy, and flowers, and secret gifts of lingerie. For me, my long term committed relationship is about so much more than sex, and stolen moments. It’s about having the whole of my partner. I don’t want him sleeping with other women, but I don’t want him thinking about them either. I want all of him, and we’re still working on that.

photo credit: Eric Muhr


13 thoughts on “Stay

  1. I found you online looking for help. I love your stories! I found out in aug my husband of 43 yrs is a sex addict. I traced it back to at 22 yrs. I was devastated as I loved him more than life. He was the best husband anyone could ask for! I’m still in shock after spending weeks being a detective {and a pretty good one at that} I found he is on multiple dating sites using a different name for all these yrs. he is 3 people on plenty of fish! Actually he is on almost any site you can think of. I have sat here 4 months asking him to get help and most of the time he denies having a problem. I decided to file for divorce last week. He says he quit and I still see short code text and sip messages on his phone which I found most were facebook and chatlines. I think he thinks because he isn’t sleeping with them he isn’t doing anything wrong! I would have stayed if he admitted it and realized treatment is forever. He did talk a few times to a recovering addict who is a councilor and he gave him books on addiction. He read them and was doing better but it didn’t last. I know he loves me but if he wont get help I cant live like this. Do you truly believe there will come a time when your husband only wants you? That’s the hardest part for me. I thought our marriage was special and I had the best husband in the world! I’m still in shock and cant imagine ever being normal again. I’m 58 and having to start my life over when I thought we would grow old together. He is almost 62 and says he is 43-57 online. I don’t get them lying about their age.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Joyce. I’m so sorry you are going through any of this. It’s so unfair. Although I do occasionally struggle with how my husband could be so cruel as to lie about me and cheat on me for years, I do believe he wants only me. Sex addiction is insidious. It feels so personal. Unfortunately, it is truly like any other addiction and they will lie cheat and steal to get their drug. They’ve programmed their frontal lobe to get the hits. Recovery is complicated. They can’t just stop, in my opinion. That’s not how addiction or recovery works. There are different programs, but he needs to figure that out, set boundaries and stick to them. I agree with you, if he won’t get help, it’s not healthy for you. Do you have a therapist to help you through? Big hugs xoxo


    • Nena/Nina (not her real name) has a new job and is very busy. Last I spoke with her she is suing the married man. A retaliatory tactic to the wife suing her. So the married man is now being sued by both his STBX and his mistress. The divorce is proceeding but the state requires they wait one year before the divorce is final. I found this out from other sources. The winners are always the attorneys.

      Liked by 2 people

    • So true! I frankly don’t understand the whole concept. In the case of my husband, the other women got such a small piece of a married man and they called that a relationship. I guess it’s all they thought they deserved. It’s not right.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Yeah, I know that feeling. Him in my bed, then driving to Trinket, me worrying about him, thinking he’d wake up and come to his senses, but trying to have the inner strength I always thought I had, to not tolerate a lying cheating man…it’s heartbreaking, from this side of the cheating man equation, too. He was supposed to be “mine” forever. Ha! Okay. That worked out well. Forever was only thirty years for me, and not much if that was actually exclusive, as it turns out…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, what I like about the song is that she’s talking about the man she clearly loves, and even though her heartache is that he goes back to his wife, and he isn’t her full-time man, we know as the loyal partner that we’re only getting half a man too. At some point we have to step up and demand what we deserve… and it’s not all just about sex. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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