What to do with me…

This morning a 20-something hazmat clean up crew guy tells me there is no way he believes I am over 50 years old. Thank you kind young man, you made my day. But it didn’t last long. And the fact that a hazmat crew is at my house hits me like a ton of bricks.

I went downtown for work and realized I’m not okay. Every spot on the pavement looks like blood. Every stranger seems like they are high on meth. The world is closing in on me. I feel like a zombie. I want to just lay my head down on my desk and sleep. I’m dizzy and distracted and don’t feel well.

Maybe I need to go home and take a nap.

What’s really important right now anyway? But is home the place to be? News crews are actually showing up at the house, for photos, and videos, and interviews. Our dogs bark at every little thing. I think they realize the guy they let put them out in the yard wasn’t supposed to be there. Before fleeing the property, our son found them huddled in the backyard. So out of character for them.

I’m sure the smell of blood in the house was overwhelming to them. Their sense of smell is so much stronger. The family room we walk through from the garage every day is unrecognizable. The picture window is boarded up, the carpet is chopped up, sofa cushions are missing, the upholstered coffee table is gone. He bled over numerous items throughout the room, so there is emptiness everywhere.

Our mini Aussie normally plops himself on the sofa in front of that big picture window in the family room and watches the neighborhood throughout the day. What’s left of the sofa is shoved against a wall, the picture window is boarded up. I found our golden retriever just sitting in there this morning, staring at the missing carpet.

Home invasion. That’s what they call it. Someone came into our house, took off his clothes, broke stuff, cut himself all up. All while my precious son was in the house. I am so so thankful everyone is okay, but there is nothing like the feeling of knowing your child is in danger and you aren’t there to help him. It’s good to know that our child is smart enough to get out of danger’s way, but it doesn’t take away the fact that he was actually in danger’s way.

Pretty sure this guy was high on meth and didn’t mean to cause anyone any harm, but who knows. We’re very lucky it ended the way it did. Everyone is safe, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatizing. Somehow I made it through yesterday on adrenaline. It’s hitting me hard right now. I should be working, but I can’t seem to focus.

Maybe I should just head to the beach house.

19 thoughts on “What to do with me…

  1. It was a home invasion, and a traumatic one at that.I am so sorry.

    My dear Kat, I don’t know if any type of therapy was helpful for you as we are all different (like EMDR), but for certain, I do believe it can help with very specific traumas – certain visual scenes, specific thoughts, etc., IMHO. Complex trauma and betrayal trauma – a whole other beast – not every EMDR therapist can help, and some make it worse.

    Example – I had hypnotherapy (not EMDR) this past spring after nightmare and flashbacks from my husband’s suicide attempt. 2-3 sessions and no more nightmares or flashbacks. Interesting. Some aspects of EMDR re-traumatized me.

    Just sharing this info in case it may help. Hugs, Kat.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wishing you strength❤️Very traumatizing that both of your homes which should be safe places have been invaded and threathened recently in different ways, violently visual @ your home and symbolically by the very unfair judgement, which is a threat @ beach house

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Jesus…I skip one day reading about your life to watch football. You really don’t want any competition for world’s shittiest month, do you? I really don’t know what to say in this situation. I’m really glad you’re all safe, and as with everything else this month, just take care of yourself. It’s all any of us can do.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks, Joshua, for making me laugh. What a mess, literally. Life has become WAY WAY too complicated. This is actually more difficult to deal with than the arbitration, I think (definitely more difficult than dinner with the in-laws). After arbitration I didn’t walk the streets seeing deposition papers and everyone didn’t look the bully attorney. There’s something about blood. Lots and lots of blood, and a bloody, naked meth addict handcuffed outside your house for what seemed like forever waiting on an ambulance. Those images aren’t so easy to just wish away. It’s a sad situation. Addiction is a bitch. Happy Thanksgiving week!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Is it too late to contact a store near your beach house and just pick up a ready made dinner? Knowing me, I’d probably make lasagna and start a new tradition. Big hugs. Take a nap. Go to your favorite local hotel and stay there?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are much smarter than me, Marie. My mom was doing lasagna (from ham) for Christmas as she started getting older. When I took over everything, I switched it to Salmon on Christmas Eve and Beef (either standing rib roast or filet mignon) on Christmas. We do all that at the beach house too, now, but I have both my sons there to help. They are amazing, especially the Brooklyn boy. Fearless in the kitchen, as he is everywhere else. I wish the grocery markets near the beach house were as good as the ones in Portland. We do everything organic, highest quality, locally grown meats, etc… which we can easily get in Portland. BE and I will shop tonight, that way if I collapse, he’s there. 😉 I could pick up a prepared meal, but I think over the next three days I will have the energy to do what I do. I used to do EVERYTHING myself, right down to the homemade yeast dinner rolls and fancy pies. I have simplified significantly and I’ll purchase what I can pre-made, although everyone will know I didn’t make it. If they hated my food, life would be so much easier. I’m going to take a nap on one of our beautiful office sofas… everyone else is off for Thanksgiving week. Hopefully I’ll be fresh as new when it’s time to go shopping. BE said I could go to a hotel, but then I wouldn’t want to leave. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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