My baby brother, the Listener, the one who works for us and knows everything, called my mobile phone last Thursday at about 1:30pm. He didn’t beat around the bush. He said, “dad is gone.” Even though I knew what was coming, the words still hit me with an awful force. It wasn’t shock or surprise, it was a sick pit in my stomach. It was emptiness. I was never going to see my dad again.
I have amazing memories. I was the oldest child of a man who desperately wanted a boy. Back then, early 60’s, boy stuff and girl stuff was pretty well defined, at least for dad. I was his boy when he was home, and my mom’s girl when he was on the road. I never knew any different. I liked dolls and tagging along with dad to basketball games. I liked playing with hot wheels, in a dress. Mom took me to dance lessons and girl scouts. I went fishing with dad with ribbons in my hair. I was an only child for more than five years. I was in 1st grade before my sister could roll over. Dad was not good with babies until he became a grandfather. Way back when, I think he was afraid of infants and annoyed by toddlers with bottles, and diapers. But as soon as I could walk and talk, he took me everywhere. I was his constant little companion.
By the time my sister was old enough to hang out with dad, my parents were divorced and he was starting a new family, with a new wife. She never got that chance with dad. She didn’t want it. My sister was completely attached to our mom. Even though dad picked us up, religiously, every other weekend, on his holidays, and during a portion of the summer, I know she felt betrayed and abandoned. She bonded with our step dad. She’s still completely attached to him and considers him her father. I also adore my step dad, but I love my dad too. We had a special bond.
Even after he had children from his second marriage (I was nine by the time their first one came along), we still had our time together. Sometimes I even went on the road with him. He was a fun guy to be around. He had a wicked sense of humor and he loved food and movies and doing crazy things like getting every pillow in the house, piling it up on the floor and letting us jump off the kitchen counter into the pile of pillows. We would put together side-by-side hot wheel tracks, down the length of the house, starting them high up on a chair, and then race all the cars to see which was the fastest. I watched golf with him every Sunday growing up. Dad was a scratch golfer. He even got more than one hole-in-one. He was athletic and coordinated and good at every sport he tried, until his back wouldn’t allow for it anymore.
Four years old. My first golf game with dad. I walked the entire course with him. He never used golf carts. Oregon Coast.
Blue Eyes and I had decided not to cut our Japan trip short. We also opted to stay in Los Angeles after we found out the surgeons had told dad there was nothing more they could do. I honestly did not think he would pass as quickly as he did, but once his mind was made up, and the morphine took over, he was gone. I’m glad, in the end, he was in control of his own fate. We had quality time with him last month. He was surrounded by family when he left us. No regrets.
The reason we were in Los Angeles was I had booked us couple’s therapy with my trauma therapist. Unfortunately, a big portion of the appointment was taken up by grief, both mine and Blue Eyes’. My dad was instrumental in me attending University near him and that is where I met Blue Eyes. Dad was always so intrigued by Blue Eyes, and I’m sure vice versa. They are very very different. The therapist spent a good deal of time letting us process our sadness and loss, less than 24 hours after dad’s passing.
We only had three hours with the therapist, and it flew by, as it always does. There is just something about that woman that makes me feel safe. I know she gets me. I want her to get me. I want to be and do better at managing my life, Blue Eyes on the other hand, is a master manipulator. He’s an actor. He doesn’t want to show his true emotions. He wants to behave how he thinks others want him to behave. He goes to a place that’s not real. He becomes a made up person. A palatable interpretation of who he really is.
Hallelujah for the fact that she could see this about him as clearly as I can. I felt so validated by her stopping him, asking him to get out of his head and into his heart. And then out of his heart and into his gut. It wasn’t easy for him, he has trained himself to manipulate. He thinks he can control how other people respond to him. He’s frankly, a lot of the time, disingenuous. I know deep down he created this other Blue Eyes to protect himself against rejection. Unfortunately this persona is based on lies and manipulation.
She worked and worked at him. She gave us each space to speak freely, and to respond to each other. I did okay at first, listening to Blue Eyes. I sat and didn’t say anything. I think she was impressed by my ability to do so, I know I was. She knows I’m a fixer. I want to fix what is broken. But I can’t fix Blue Eyes or the way he interacts with me. And then, as Blue Eyes seemed to get all tangled up in feelings he didn’t want to expose or express, I could feel myself wanting to tell him what to say. I could see that he was skirting around the concepts and topics she was focusing on. I tried to be really patient with the situation. She gently reminded me to let him finish, no matter how long it took. It was frustrating.
But then it happened, after quite a long time of working with him and denying him the ability to manipulate the situation and act his way through feelings, she got him to stop. She got him to a more genuine place. She asked him if he thought I (Kat) was a safe place for him. She told him she knew that one of my big frustrations was that he had put me in the same box with his parents and used that as an excuse to abuse me and lie to me. And then he just closed his eyes tight and sat there for the longest time. I disconnected from his thoughts and feelings. I sat still and waited and he finally did it. His voice was deep with pain, gravelly and broken. He didn’t open his eyes and he said, “Yes. I put her in that place. I don’t let her in. I’m afraid.” I was sitting on the edge of my seat… I desperately wanted him to say it was for fear of abandonment, but he didn’t go that far. Her being able to get him to a genuine place in his heart, not his head, was ground breaking. She then asked him to go deep in the pit of his stomach, to his core and she asked him, “why?” Why is he unable to let me in… and after a long silence he simply said, “I don’t know.” It wasn’t what she was hoping for, I know, but it was progress.
Then the power was gone and he started reverting back to acting mode. We both saw it and we all acknowledged it. She tried to get him deeper, but he was spent. To be honest, it is frustrating that he can’t go deeper without such intense work, but I guess I am just happy to get the bit of validation that I did. I expressed to him that I understood that he felt like he could open up to other people, like Bob from 12 step. Bob gets him, has walked in his shoes. It’s easier. He has nothing to lose with Bob. Bob accepts him unconditionally. Bob met Blue Eyes because he is an addict. They’re both addicts. He made no promises to Bob and he broke no promises to Bob. I understand that Blue Eyes needs these people in his life and I don’t begrudge him that, although it has been difficult for me to adjust to my life partner wanting to open up his soul to someone he has known for months or years, versus the decades of love and loyalty I have given him. It’s simply not fair to me.
There are some male bloggers out there, men who have cheated, and they continue to hold on to the idea that people should be able to keep secrets. That every human has the right to share and not share what’s inside them, based on their own needs, not the needs of their partner. And/or that it’s okay to lie if they think they are protecting someone. I fully disagree with this down to my deepest core. The concept makes me sad. It literally breaks my heart. What I gave and what I asked for in return was full honesty. I stood by my husband since day one, no matter what was shared or in some cases thrust upon me. I love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, I know he is not me and he was not nurtured the same way I was. I feel like honesty and integrity are at the cornerstone of who I am and I’m proud of that. Why would someone need to keep secrets unless they knew they were going to hurt the other person? And if in fact the secrets are hurtful… why would anyone think keeping them inside would be helpful to the coupleship? There is no real relationship or healing in a relationship without the truth. Once the truth is on the table, then and only then, can the couple work on healing. I don’t think Blue Eyes would say, or write, that he thinks it’s okay to keep secrets, but he does. He may not condone it, but he rationalizes it, still to this day he rationalizes it. At this point I am not asking him to divulge any more about his past actions. I am merely asking him to share his current feelings with me, because when he doesn’t… when he doesn’t feel the need to share, he harbors negative feelings that keep him bound in anger, resentment, bitterness, and entitlement. All those emotions that allowed him to live deep in his sex addiction for decades.
We will return in March for more couple’s therapy. I’m very much looking forward to it.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Kat- so sorry you’re dealing with all of this….hang in there…a lot going on in your life….make sure you’re giving yourself grace….(I know you know that….)
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Kat, I’m so sorry for your loss. You have so many powerful memories of your dad. Hang onto them forever. SWxo
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I have a powerful memory bank, SW, so I hope I can. Photos help bring back the memories. I need to get them scanned high quality. Right now I’m taking pictures of old photos, so not great quality. I did have a very special relationship with my dad. He cherished his adoptive mom and she circled everyone in love. I know my dad tried to do that. He did have a temper and could be a bully to some of my siblings, but he tried. I was his first and I know he didn’t want to mess up with me. I may not have had the most mature dad, but I got the unencumbered 20-something who treated me like a buddy. On the other hand, my youngest sibling got the older, grouchy dad dealing with, at one point in time, five teenagers. At that point I had given him his first grandsons, who he cherished and doted on. I really did get the best of him and I feel lucky. xox
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“Why would someone need to keep secrets unless they knew they were going to hurt the other person?”
EXACTLY – A person is only as sick as their secrets. A person in a marriage is harming the marriage by keeping secrets – it’s toxic.
The really sad thing (for me) is that these guys somehow know who to choose for a mate (kind, benefit of the doubt, giving, trusting, forgiving…).
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I don’t think they chose us in a manipulative way… I think it was a survival instinct. They instinctively knew they needed someone better, someone to take care of them. They are innately selfish, but I’m not sure they are aware. The thing that chafes my hide though is that my husband chose me for my qualities but yet I’m not a safe place for him to share his deepest feelings. Everything is out in the open now… him knowingly not treating me as a safe person in his life is just plain cruel. xo
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Yes, I think it’s an unconscious choice. Innately selfish – YEP! I’ve brought it up a bit lately, and he doesn’t get it. The “safe” issue has come up in our therapy too — my husband has said I am not safe (b/c of anger over his betray;ls or whatever – (his perspective). He’s learned to use the word “safe” to manipulate others.
A close friend of mine said, “You are the one who saved his life!” Meaning – I am THE one who had his back. I think it’s his shame that pushes him away from me at times – making him unavailable to me emotionally when I need him. Or he pulls put the safety card when I may have a rigger or PTSD issue. It’s not like I am violent or anything – usually just expressing it in vigorous movement, sitting in a chair crying, etc. That’s when I need him to just sit with me for a few minutes – help me ground and co-regulate. Of course we need to self-regulate, but if someone is there to co-regulate – just be there – it can help too.
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It took BE so long to be able to actually sit with me without his own selfish needs/shame getting in the way. We conquered that, but I knew he was still keeping me at arms length when it came to his own emotions. That is where the work still (year 7!!!) needs to be done. In a “normal” world, our relationships wouldn’t have to be so one-sided and you would not have had to rescue your husband. We didn’t get what we signed up for. It’s one of the reasons I keep writing… not only to metabolize it for myself, but I also feel like I am a voice of reality out there in the midst of “he woke up and realized what he was doing was wrong and he just stopped.” Nope, doesn’t happen that way. This is a long, hard-fought journey for the spouses of addicts. xoxo
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YEP. In a normal world – not so one-sided, we’d get what we did sign up for—- sickness/health, better/worse, forsaking all others – ’til death do us part. (Without males holding the power position.)
It sure is a long, challenging journey. Life is a journey. BUT. BUT. But, geeeeez. It’s hard. I don’t think as many men stick around and try to see the big picture of why their wife acted out on them for 25 years, and then work at the marriage. They leave. They hold resentment. They find a new “person” and that’s that.
Women are, frankly, amazing. Sorry that I made this sexist. I think it holds some truth, though. And I wouldn’t give up being a woman for anything.
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I also struggle with why keep secrets from your partner? Those half truths and omissions are like deaths to a partner. Partnership is supposed to be about openness, honesty, sharing the good and the bad. One of my (possibly irrational) fears is that he learned what he lost and is sharing fully with Trinket.
As I said, unlikely, but the possibility aches badly.
Yay, bring on March, after more of your grieving has been processed xxx
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Oh, I’m looking forward to March as well. Spring for us here. It’s always so nice to see the crocus, then daffodils and tulips blooming. Each day it is getting a little easier although the memorial isn’t until 2/24. That will be a rough day.
Partners who hide secrets and lie just aren’t worthy partners at all. It is one of those nagging issues right now with BE… can he be honest. Can he be genuine. It’s critical.
There is no doubt in my mind that Rog and Trinket have a very surface oriented relationship. There is no way he has changed for the better, and she accepted into her home a man who was lying to his partner of 30 years. That is all bad no matter how you spin it. Love you! xoxox
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Kat, Iām just catching up on posts and Iām so sorry to hear about your dad passing on. I love reading what you write about your childhood with him because I know from my own experience that it is those memories that will help you through the grief. I hope that each photo you look at and each detail you recall will help bring you peace.
Itās good to hear that Trish made a bit of headway with BE. Does he still see an individual therapist that he could follow up with to delve deeper into that issue? Your time with Trish is so limited, it would be good for you for him to process some things separately so your time with her could really be marriage-focused.
Xo
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It’s wonderful the therapist asked him to get out of his head and into his heart and then his gut. I think SAs are so good at manipulation, that unless there is someone to really hold them accountable or see through their stuff, they just lie all the way through individual therapy. I know that’s the case for my husband. And he has a trained SA/IA therapist.
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In my experience, SAs honed their lying and manipulation skills for most of their life. It’s why they are so good at it. I’m a bit shocked more therapists can’t see through it… or if they can, and they don’t address it, they are merely there for the money and couldn’t care less whether their clients ever get any better at managing their addictions and their life.
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Yep. Especially an SA/IA trained therapist. They KNOW these people are skilled at lying; it’s part of their problem.
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I am enjoying going through the photographs. My Aunt is also sending lots of photos of dad when he was a kid. Very fun as I haven’t seen any of them before. I wish they had surfaced before he passed so he could have told us stories, but it is great to see the mischievous sparkle in his eyes when he was a boy.
BE does still have an individual therapist that he sees weekly. I think part of his frustration and sadness actually was because he has “wasted” a lot of therapy time manipulating the system, if you will. It would be nice if he actually got to a truer space by himself with his therapist, but I have no idea if that is even possible. I was frankly just happy that he finally admitted that he has not considered me a truly safe place to share. It’s just so tiring knowing his truth and him not being able to admit it. To be honest, most of the time our marriage is good. Sometimes even great. The continuing issues center around his internal emotional turmoil and his rationalization of why it is okay to harbor resentment and anger and keep things inside. His oldest habit, by my estimation. He doesn’t do it for long, and he doesn’t act out anymore, but it is still incredibly frustrating. I know he shares a lot with his 12 step brothers, and I think that is wonderful, but whether he shares with them, or not, I still feel a piece missing in our marriage.
Next session I hope to spend more time on communication. I’m waiting for him to admit the things that he finds frustrating about me, because I know they are there he just doesn’t have the guts to admit them out loud. When he does that, I will know he is truly be open and honest. š ā¤
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“…he has āwastedā a lot of therapy time manipulating the system,” This is my husband’s story too, especially with all of his time in in=patient therapy at psych units. The only time I believe some truth comes out is when I’ve been there for couple’s therapy. He is in his head most of the time. She actually got him to go to his heart.
“…internal emotional turmoil and his rationalization of why it is okay to harbor resentment and anger and keep things inside…”
I am living this. Not all the time, but sometimes. It hurts. It’s really about their stuff – not ours – but it stings.
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Great picture of the golf course. I’m glad your session was good. I hope you guys can figure all this out. ~Dave
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We’re figuring it out, Dave. It’s a struggle metabolizing all those years of lies, and my husband is still very much a recovering addict. Couple’s therapy at this point should be very good for both of us.
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Agreed. It’s also great you have a good therapist. Sending good thoughts. ~Dave
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I wish the LA therapist was here in Portland, but c’est la vie. We can visit LA once a month. I actually like it there. My you are a night owl! š
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Yeah. It’s like a mini-vacation right? Yeah, I do most of my writing/creative work between 12 am and 3 am and then get up at 10 or 11 am.
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Ha, that’s my jet lag schedule. I’m trying to get on an earlier schedule. I’m not retired and it seems everyone else likes to get into the office before 9. Thank goodness I’m the boss and can carry on as my needs require. š
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It’s good to be the boss š
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