Being at our beach house has reminded me that when I was here at the end of August, I ended up speaking with Wendy (Over Wendy’s dead body) for quite a while. She’s definitely not dead. She is, however, a bit devastated by the fact that she put up with crazy Ken (her husband of 32 years and father of their 4 children), just to have him leave her in a huff during the first month of the Covid pandemic.
Wendy sees a therapist, mostly I think, to deal with being married to Kenny, and at the end of March 2020, Kenny informed Wendy that he needed to go to her therapy appointment with her. At the start of that appointment he stood up, said he wanted a divorce, informed Wendy that she is a miserable person to live with, and he just couldn’t take it anymore, and stormed out. He has not been back to their home, nor has he seen their children since that day. Wendy was confused, and frustrated, and just plain dumbfounded by his sudden and angry outburst, and exit from their lives. The children are sad, angry, and disillusioned.
A couple weeks after Kenny walked out, it became obvious that he had, in fact, left Wendy for another woman. Of course he did. She’s a divorced woman, much younger than Kenny, with two small children and is apparently quite disturbed. The kids found out about her because she texted all four of them, not Wendy, but the kids ranging in age from 19-30, a photo of her and their father in bed together, announcing herself as their dad’s new girlfriend. Pretty sure Wendy is correct in saying this woman has no class and is mentally ill.
I don’t know Wendy well, but I could see the despair on her face. The tell-tale signs of utter confusion and disbelief, and pain. The pain of sharing 30+ years of your life with a stranger. She expressed how she had NEVER, in all the years she was married to Kenny, discussed their sex life with anyone, but now things were starting to coalesce in her mind. Things from their courtship, like the day Kenny told her she would never need to give him oral sex. They were in their 20’s. She assumed he had an aversion to it. Well, turns out, after spending some money on a private investigator, Wendy now knows that Kenny saves that sexual behavior for women who get paid to do that sort of thing, and he has hired prostitutes for oral sex their entire marriage. She was clueless. I 100% believe her, and feel her pain.
I told her very briefly a truncated version of Blue Eyes and his story, our story. With tears in her eyes, she said, “but he admits there’s something wrong with him, right? He’s getting help? He doesn’t blame you? If Kenny would just admit he has issues and get help for himself I might understand better, but he’s totally blaming me. I’ve raised his four kids, loved him even with all his craziness, supported him through multiple failed businesses and somehow this is all my fault?”
Ugh. I feel for her. All their money is hers, a large inheritance. Apparently Kenny’s father died when Kenny was quite young. Kenny was the baby of the family. The mother spoiled him rotten and he could do no wrong. He had no male role model. Wendy mentioned the Madonna/whore complex. She’s confused and desperate for answers. I suggested a few options, but she broke down and said she just can’t talk about it anymore. She needs to get through the divorce and take care of her children. They were at the beach house celebrating her 3rd daughter’s birthday. A daughter who took an overdose of pills last year. She’s worried for her kids.
Meanwhile, Kenny is on his 3rd divorce attorney. He keeps getting fired. I didn’t know attorneys fired their clients. No wonder he’s in a bad place. He’s apparently been in a bad place for a very long time although of course you wouldn’t know it from his Facebook. He claims to be living the good life…
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this journey I’ve been on for nearly 8 years, it’s that we all have demons. It’s really about how we face those demons that matter. Kenny is not doing such a swell job, and he has now caused a lot of pain and suffering. It’s a sad but not uncommon story.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I have come to the conclusion, over the past few years, that all of us, as you have said, have demons. But like your situation, and Blackacres’s the ability to reflect was crucial for all parties involved, to be where any of us are today. If RD hadn’t been able to reflect on his behaviours and decide that he didn’t want to be that person anymore, wanted to make change, we wouldn’t be here today. It was that very thing that made me fall in love with him in a completely different way, a real way. But had he not been able or willing to do that, then as I have written before I would have walked. But if I had there lies another story because I still would have to look at myself and evolve. You know my feelings on Chump Lady, it just seems to fester bitterness and victim hood, and that for me was not where I would want to be. But horses for courses, we’re not all the same. ❤️
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We are definitely not all the same. She has a bazillion followers, I just don’t happen to be one of them for exactly the reasons you discuss. Not my cup of tea, as they say. And I know, from past experiences, that I am likewise not universally loved! C’est la vie. I do the best I can. I’m loving seeing Ireland through your eyes! ❤️
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What a tragedy.
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It really is. Not just for Wendy, but the kids are totally confused, and sad. They miss their dad. Kenny has a lot of work ahead, I think, to figure out what kind of man he really wants to be. Unfortunately, we in our family are all too familiar with some aspects of this situation.
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Yeah, the kids must really be shaken up. I’m so lucky my parents stuck together. So many stories of broken homes out there. That has a huge impact on their futures. I hope things work out.
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I have learned that you never can tell. I think, from my experiences, it’s not about divorce so much, or the ubiquitous “broken home,” but about how the adults behave. My parents were divorced when I was six years old. I don’t lie or cheat and try to be a loving and understanding person. My husband’s parents are still very much married, 60 years later, and my husband is truly messed up. I hope their kids will realize that their parents are fallible, but it doesn’t have to do with anything they did. And I hope Kenny comes back into their lives. He’s a horrible husband, but a fun dad.
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Yeah, for the sake of the kids, I do hope he comes back. And you’re right. It doesn’t matter how stable a home is, it’s all about the individual. My parents have been together a long time, and I divorced–twice!
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It’s sad that this is such a common story. I really, really feel for her. We should be able to trust the person we share our life with. Inspiring quote at the start of your post. It’s one I resonate with.
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Really sad. So many broken people, breaking other people. I actually loaded an app on my phone so I could make that meme from a photo I took on a walk. I don’t know where the words came from, but they ring so true to me. I think a lot of cheaters are just plain ill equipped to tackle their own demons, so they medicate. It’s very hurtful.
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I didn’t vibe with that site either. I think she’s witty and funny and there are some nuggets of brilliance, but the bitterness was off-putting for me. I knew I didn’t want to be that way 3 or 5 or 10 years out. I respect that some folks find it helpful, but I felt there were other, healthier (for me) options too.
❤️
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Yeah, and CR knows where I stand. I have found that the followers are as devout for the site as I am against, perhaps more. To each their own. I do think she’s a clever writer, but likewise I can’t live in that space. I hope you are well and enjoying the change of seasons. We had a blistering hot summer, so I am happy with the change. 🤗
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All good here in the East. Today is actually the very first day it felt like Fall in my neck of the woods. I’m afraid that we’re going to pay for all the nice weather with a harsh winter. I love Fall though, so I’ll enjoy it while it’s here. 🍁🍂🌾
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As much as you and your world don’t need and or align to her mantra, please send this woman to chump ladys Facebook. This woman needs to be surrounded by people who will tell her over and over and over that this man is a poison and her key to recovery is getting out and away and safe. As much as chump lady isn’t your cup
Of tea, she will provide survival skills to this woman.
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Hi CR. I appreciate you sharing here, but I think you know what I am going to say. I won’t knowingly ever send anyone to her website/Facebook page, etc… Wendy could barely hold it together to share with me. She’s clearly traumatized. She’s not bitter or angry, she’s rightfully confused and hurt, but she has survival skills. Her STBX husband needs help. He’s messed up, for sure and has sexual compulsivity’s that need to be addressed. The site of which you speak has blatantly denied sex addiction as a legitimate issue and that doesn’t fly in my world. Wendy is divorcing, has at least one therapist, and has lots of friends to help her through. I’m not the type of person who wants to see things from just one side and I don’t feel positive energy coming from the place you recommend. In many ways I see her methods as bitter and angry and keeping people mired in a dark place. I know you see it differently and I appreciate that. As I have said before, divorce or stay, for those of us who had to make that choice, I don’t find her helpful. ❤️
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I wrote a long response but I actually just think deaf ears and not welcome. Was suggesting an anonymous place for her to find refuge, sorry.
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I am pretty firm regarding my thoughts on this subject, but you don’t ever need to apologize to me for something that works for you. Also, just because I won’t be swayed here doesn’t mean someone else won’t, and be helped by your advice. 🤗
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I wish I could just delete the comment tbh
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That makes me sad. You should always feel like you can speak your mind here.
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