“I was shitty to everyone.“ That’s what he said when I mentioned how he treated me. That’s deflection.
I used to be a religious follower of the American version of the TV show, “So You Think You Can Dance,’ until BE got rid of cable. Now we pretty much watch programs streamed, be it movies or TV series, old or new: Hulu, Netflix, HBO, Prime, etc… I never watch live Network TV anymore. Anyway, SYTYCD is where I first saw Stephen “Twitch” Boss perform. I loved that he was a hip hop dancer, but went really far in the competition. I’m a huge fan of hip hop. Twitch went on to lots of other things including the Ellen DeGeneres show. I follow him on Instagram. He was a beautiful, smiley, talented husband and father of three. He just celebrated his 40th birthday and his 9th wedding anniversary.
Twitch committed suicide three days ago. It’s heartbreaking and further proof that we really never know people, or what goes on in their lives, or their minds. Earlier this evening as BE and I were sitting down to leftover homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner, I told him about Twitch (pretty sure he didn’t remember who he was because he didn’t watch TV with me, at least not that kind of TV). I showed BE Ellen DeGeneres’ tribute to Twitch earlier this year as they were closing out her show. She’d put together a montage of her history with him. It was really touching. BE mentioned how I must have been keeping this inside… well, I hadn’t really been. I had discussed it with probably three different people over the past couple days. It’s sad when any life is cut that short, for whatever reason.
Blue Eyes then commented about how he had let his brother down. That he could have done more. BE’s younger brother committed suicide 12 1/2 years ago. There was nothing BE could have done. I’ve written about it before. He shut BE out and treated him badly on top of that, but there’s that survivor’s guilt rearing its ugly head.
I said, “well, best that you focus your attention on the people that are here… you treated me much worse than you ever treated your brother.” I said, “you can’t blame yourself for people taking their own life, but you can take responsibility for how you treat people.”
Blue Eyes still struggles with recognizing and understanding my needs. He still ignores the signs when I am struggling. He still doesn’t really “get” the cause and effect of his actions on me.
That’s when he said, “ah, I was shitty to everyone.”
So much for me being “the most important person in his life.” Apparently I just float out there in excuse-land with “everyone.”
I said, “oh, wow, now that’s pretty insensitive. So I’m just one of the people you lied to, and cheated on, huh. Not special.” I left the room. You’d think after all this time he would follow me and apologize. Say he misspoke. Make one of his lame excuses.