“I was shitty to everyone.“ That’s what he said when I mentioned how he treated me. That’s deflection.
I used to be a religious follower of the American version of the TV show, “So You Think You Can Dance,’ until BE got rid of cable. Now we pretty much watch programs streamed, be it movies or TV series, old or new: Hulu, Netflix, HBO, Prime, etc… I never watch live Network TV anymore. Anyway, SYTYCD is where I first saw Stephen “Twitch” Boss perform. I loved that he was a hip hop dancer, but went really far in the competition. I’m a huge fan of hip hop. Twitch went on to lots of other things including the Ellen DeGeneres show. I follow him on Instagram. He was a beautiful, smiley, talented husband and father of three. He just celebrated his 40th birthday and his 9th wedding anniversary.
Twitch committed suicide three days ago. It’s heartbreaking and further proof that we really never know people, or what goes on in their lives, or their minds. Earlier this evening as BE and I were sitting down to leftover homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner, I told him about Twitch (pretty sure he didn’t remember who he was because he didn’t watch TV with me, at least not that kind of TV). I showed BE Ellen DeGeneres’ tribute to Twitch earlier this year as they were closing out her show. She’d put together a montage of her history with him. It was really touching. BE mentioned how I must have been keeping this inside… well, I hadn’t really been. I had discussed it with probably three different people over the past couple days. It’s sad when any life is cut that short, for whatever reason.
Blue Eyes then commented about how he had let his brother down. That he could have done more. BE’s younger brother committed suicide 12 1/2 years ago. There was nothing BE could have done. I’ve written about it before. He shut BE out and treated him badly on top of that, but there’s that survivor’s guilt rearing its ugly head.
I said, “well, best that you focus your attention on the people that are here… you treated me much worse than you ever treated your brother.” I said, “you can’t blame yourself for people taking their own life, but you can take responsibility for how you treat people.”
Blue Eyes still struggles with recognizing and understanding my needs. He still ignores the signs when I am struggling. He still doesn’t really “get” the cause and effect of his actions on me.
That’s when he said, “ah, I was shitty to everyone.”
So much for me being “the most important person in his life.” Apparently I just float out there in excuse-land with “everyone.”
I said, “oh, wow, now that’s pretty insensitive. So I’m just one of the people you lied to, and cheated on, huh. Not special.” I left the room. You’d think after all this time he would follow me and apologize. Say he misspoke. Make one of his lame excuses.
Nope.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Sorry I meant to say – have a mellow Christmas my friend
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It was a shitty thing to say. But here is the other thing that struck me, he cancelled the cable where you used to watch tennis. You are worth so so much more my cyber friend.
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He FINALLY figured out that before the big tennis tournaments begin, he needs to determine how to get them for me to watch by streaming or taping or whatever. He’s fairly good at it now, but still, I agree. Cable wasn’t that much money in the scheme of things and it was easy for me and made me happy. Now we’re constantly starting and stopping different streaming programming just to watch specific shows. It’s crazy, but things have become so much more complicated the past few years, but there is a lot more out there.
I hope you both have a very Merry Irish Christmas!!! 🎄❤️
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Hugs, Kat. I hear you. You are so right.
You are not “Everyone.”
That’s a shitty thing to say.
A shitty thing to think.
You deserve so much more xxx
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I do, indeed. xoxo
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I’m with you and DLH. Being awful to a co-worker or even a friend is one thing. Creating a web of deceit and lies that alters your spouse’s reality is completely different. And yes, it really is worse. Surely he realizes that?
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Oh, I’m sure he realizes it, but acknowledging it on a deeper level on the daily? Not really. I know men and women in general can be very different emotionally, but addicts seem to be able to hide pretty deep inside themselves. Whatever rationalizations he makes, or just plain bad habits he has carried with him since childhood, seem to be much stronger than his desire to understand me. And… he never treated his mentally ill brother badly. He did everything he could, for him. That’s why the nature of the conversation really bothered me. At first it was like, oh, this is something that’s bothering Kat. But then it became all about him. Classic. xo
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That part about hiding deep down inside himself – yep. Some people push themselves to grow and face their stuff, so they don’t continue the unhealthy cycles, and some just hide. Some people do “just enough” to get through a problem, but they don’t look at the roots to stop it from happening again.
You are not “everyone”. I am not “everyone”. My husband didn’t potentially give HIV to “everyone” — it only happened to me, only. (He was convinced during his mental illness breakdown that he had AIDS; he didn’t.)
You matter. I know you know that. You are smart, insightful, successful, creative and so much more.
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Thankfully he didn’t have AIDS! We know we are good people, all the women commenting here, and so many more, but it still hurts that the people we chose to spend our life with don’t really know how
to be like us. To love deep and unconditionally through really listening and understanding and thoughtfulness. At a certain point, I realized he would never be that healed or that enlightened, and I chose to stay, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel unfair on some days. I hope you have a beautiful season! xo
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It does hurt, Kat. It absolutely feels unfair. They chose us b/c of our light and our strength. Yes – most of these betrayers don’t really go that deep to heal those parts. I honestly believe the only unconditional love I have ever received was from a dog. Sad, but true. Somehow I know how to love despite my childhood. Hope the New Year brings you health and peace.
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“I was shitty to everyone” does NOT cut it! It’s vague and non-specific. There’s no sense of responsibility. No indication of genuine regret. Nothing personal. It doesn’t acknowledge that he was shitty to YOU … or THE WAYS in which he was shitty to you (deliberate choices) … or how being shitty to YOU has impacted YOU and changed YOUR life forever.
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Some things never change… namely, how easily some can rationalize and normalize their behavior. Time marches on, but there is still that question, how deep are they REALLY able to go. I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
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Unfortunately that’s true. Have a merry Christmas, too, Kat!
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