First, I will say, that living 30 years with an undiscovered and therefore unrecovered addict, and another 12 years with a recovering addict, now, in the year 2026, things aren’t bad.
I guess, at this point, as the wife of a sex addict, I can say, things are good. Our marriage is fine. Nobody’s going anywhere. Apparently Blue Eyes is a fucking unicorn. Sure we can all say we don’t know what we don’t know. People can scoff and snicker and call me a fool, however, I’m no fool. I’ve done the hard yards and I’ve come out the other side of this nightmare. Whatever happens now, will not cripple me. I can only “do” me. I’m good. I’m happy with where I’m at with Blue Eyes. I still make stupid little remarks about Blue Eyes’ “girlfriend” because that’s who I am. All my Dad’s kids got this sarcastic streak. After nearly 42 years together, Blue Eyes knows this about me and he no longer takes me seriously or internalizes bad feelings about himself. He knows it’s me being me. Love me or leave me. I’m fine either way.
Due to some crazy algorithm or AI or who knows what, my blog has been getting hundreds of reads a day from multiple countries. I’ve gone back through a number of my old posts now. What a crazy 12 years this has been. Not just in regard to Blue Eyes and his addiction, but also our lives as business owners (people come and go, including siblings) and homeowners (arbitrations, and home invasions, and retirement choices) and parents (overcoming addiction and a “new” trans daughter) and most disappointingly, the state of our nation (not going to go there). This is not a political venue for me, and I don’t want to go that route. I have stated my thoughts before about who I am as a person and how I vote and where I stand. Anyone who has ever read this blog knows a lot about me and how I feel.
I think going through the pain of writing my life out as the recovering wife of a sex addict has helped me cope with everything going on now. This past couple days, my younger child and I drove from Ojai to Portland. A trip we make 2-3 times a year. We have taken to listening to “books on tape” for most of the journey. Because we regularly go through the Salinas Valley in California as part of our trip up and down the 101/1, we thought listening to John Steinbeck’s East of Eden would be “fun.” Definitely not as fun as we thought. Now we’ve honed in on benign mystery novels and/or a Podcast titled “Small Town Murders.” Yesterday, before starting up the audiobook we were half way through, somehow the topic of The Pragmatist and her fiancee came up. I’m still kind of obsessing over the attack on my personality by The Pragmatist & Sunny over the winter break:
I’ve come to the conclusion that for me there is some trauma where these young people are concerned. My child felt it appropriate to attack my personality because her partner was having a bad day. I know Sunny has narcissistic tendencies that sometimes remind me of my now deceased mother in law. It makes me sad, but it is what it is. My big issue is that instead of being there for her partner and commiserating with her or whatever, my child decides to bring it all down on me, not defend me. All those years of Blue Eyes watching the abuse of me by his mother, not once did he defend me or shut his mother down. So at this point, even though there is some pain, I’m done letting people bother me. I am who I am. Love me for who I am or fucking leave me alone.
It’s super difficult to shut down those in-grained personality traits like nurturing, taking care of everyone, filling the gaps, letting people walk all over me without fighting back. I’m done. I have no energy or desire to fight back, or in fact, to continue taking the abuse. At 62 years old, I’m done letting people suck the life out of me. I put it here to remind myself to JUST WALK AWAY.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Hi Kat. I’m new to this world of sex addiction and recovery. My d-day was on December 18, 2024, so it’s only been a little over a year for me and everything is still very fresh. I left my partner of 3 years roughly 3 months after d-day. The betrayal trauma has been catastrophic and very difficult to navigate, but I just wanted to say that your blog has been an incredible source of solace for me. I’ve been slowly making my way through the archives and catching myself up on the entirety of your story. You are a fantastic writer. So thoughtful, genuine, and honest. Your words are raw and powerful. I wanted to extend my most sincere gratitude for your vulnerability on this platform. Your wisdom and strength has gotten me through some of the darkest days of my life! I love reading about where you are today 12 years after the fact. It’s inspiring to see women recognize their worth. I relate a lot to being very nurturing at my core. It’s extremely challenging to step out of that role and to validate my own pain and feelings. Thank you for sharing and continuing to update this blog on all the reflections you’ve made over the years.
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Hello Peony. Thank you for commenting and being so gracious with your words. Stay or leave, the betrayal trauma is devastating. The way the world tends to view the pain is also generally not helpful. It’s difficult to be genuine in a world that’s often very shallow. No one wants to go through what we’ve been through and if you haven’t been through it, it’s impossible to understand. All we can do is build back our strength and give our pain, our feelings, and our recovery the attention it deserves. I have found it difficult yet rewarding to look at my own experiences in terms of how they have shaped me into the care giver I am. I have also had to acknowledge that I am an easy target for some people and their own pain and I have to be able to let it go. It’s very difficult for me. Thank you for being here. 🤗
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I smiled when I read ‘I just do me’! I read it to Rich, and said ‘who does that sound like?!’ As I always say ‘If you don’t have yourself, you have nothing.’
When you find yourself through the hell of infidelity I believe you should never let go.
I agree with Paula, where what happened at Xmas is concerned, it says more about them. But……now, at the age of 63, I am no longer prepared to let people dump their issues on me. No animosity, no ill feelings, just stepping back, just saying no.
I have recently being doing some CBT work. It’s been an eye opener! I wanted to understand my reactions, even now, when I didn’t want to react in that way. I am more at peace now, with my decisions, and can make them calmly.
There is something about you Kat that reminds me of me. Just be you. Life is too short, and none of us are weak.
Big hugs.
Mois
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That’s what is glaringly real at this age, Moisy, life is so short. I have learned that what we put out into the world does not always come back to us in the manner it was given or intended, so I am keeping more for myself now. As much as I have always thought I “needed” people to “get” me, I don’t. I’m a good, loving person and that’s all I can control. So glad you are feeling more peace in your life. We deserve it! Big hugs from Oregon to Ireland. 🤗
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Love and light.
And I 100% understand, and stand right beside you on this 🩵💜🤎
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Thank you, Paula. I know you get me. I know life can be incredibly unfair. Thank you for being my NZ sister through these past almost 12 years. We’ve both been through hell and we have the power to make this last chapter something wonderful. We just have to remember to take care of ourselves first. Our job as caretaker for others is complete. We’ve done well even if some of the people in our lives can’t or won’t acknowledge it. I love you, beautiful lady! 💕
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Love the way you put this.
We’ve both got better at accepting what we can’t change, and acknowledging that other people may sometimes choose hurtful words and/or actions, but that doesn’t mean we always deserved them. That means we can put them to one side better than we once did.
I took so much very personally. And have learned that usually those words and actions say more about the person who delivered them than anything I may have done to provoke that. I own what I have done wrong. But in almost every case, the intentions were to help, not hinder or upset.
We did good jobs as mothers and partners.
This last chapter is something I am embracing. I read a great comment recently about this period is about us being our fleshed out 15 year old selves. I see that in me. In who I always was.
And I love this for us!
Love ya right back, you’ve been an incredibly wise, funny, real friend all these hardest of years xxx
Thanks, let’s keep that shit going! 😛❤️
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Definitely keeping it real over here, despite the sheer craziness and inhumanity of things out of my control, I remain kind, but careful! ❤️
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