No More

Journal Entry: March 7, 2014

How do I feel today? I feel like no one really gets me. I feel like my life has been ripped from me. I feel like my whole world has fallen into a never-ending abyss of heartache and despair. I feel like I will never be whole again. I feel like I want to shut the whole thing down. I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be me.

NO MORE

The dirt. It is endless.

Piles and piles of wreckage.

The rugs are gone, where do we sweep it, where does it go now.

Where do we put the truth, where do I store my pain.

Who is He.

 

The lies. I cannot walk this path anymore.

Everything I knew, is not. My strength was a façade.

With every phone call I am doomed. The fear overwhelms me.

I cannot leave these walls. There is nothing there. I am nothing.

 

The nakedness. He stripped me. I am unprotected.

He forces me out into the open. No more pretending.

I walk a path of shame. I am bare. I have failed. I am invisible.

 

The pain. I feel it everywhere. The blood surges. There is death.

It overwhelms me. Where do I go. Who am I. The images destroy

me before I can destroy them. I see them everywhere. He stole my

Memories. It’s all a lie. This life is dead to me. I am gone.

 

The flaws. The anger overwhelms. I know not who I am anymore.

I want to run, far away. I want to punish and cause pain. I walk

a path I have never seen before. I feel like I have entered the depths

of Hell and the gates are guarded by Him. He has handed down my

punishment. I am lost.

 

The path. I have come to the end with nowhere to go. The cliff looms.

I can see the abyss. I think I will fall forever. I am falling.

No more.

3 thoughts on “No More

  1. Some days I am there others I stand on the opposite side of the street – I just keep hoping a bus runs me over as I cross back and forth- I think it’s the only way this madness can stop.

    Like

  2. so well written… it describes how things are very well… 😦 i remember every part of it, it could have been written so many times, by myself, many others, i promise, it gets better! and sometimes you slip back… but just keep going! (or stop and hide under the covers for a day or so) slowly, and eventually youll get away from this place! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

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