Flirting with triggers, again

Journal Entry: November 25, 2014

I fear that if I don’t intersperse some present day posts in here, I will never get caught up to current with this blog.

Dday was January 11, 2014. My husband’s jilted “mistress” called my mobile phone and I think assumed she would break up my marriage so she could then have my husband as her own. She’s delusional. My husband and I are together, but as you can see from my posts thus far, it has not been an easy road. I am still triggered every day. My husband sees a sex addiction specialist and attends 12 step meetings three times per week. We also see a couple’s therapist once a week. Today is November 25, and here is how my morning went…

My husband and I had breakfast this morning at a new little café in our neighborhood. They serve delicious breakfast and lunch items and their speciality is Liege Waffles. You know the waffle from Belgium with little nuggets of sugar throughout making them extra crunchy, sweet and delicious? No, you aren’t familiar? Well, they are wonderful and I hope you get to try one soon.

Even though we had had a passionate love making session early this morning (like 2:00am early), and I hadn’t gotten enough sleep, I was still feeling pretty good. As we were sitting in the restaurant nearly finished with our meal, my husband is talking about his sponsor (The Sponsor) who was recently out of town on a trip by himself. The Sponsor and his wife have a new puppy and the wife stayed home (same wife I talked about in this post) to take care of the puppy. When The Sponsor returned, The Wife was so excited to see him, and hand the puppy over to him. The Sponsor says to my husband: “if you really want your wife to love and appreciate you, take an untrained puppy off her hands after a few days alone with him.” Remembering the conversation with The Sponsor, my husband smiles, and kind of chuckles.

REALLY? REALLY??? I realize my husband is not a mind reader, but I also realize he has no idea the damage he single handedly wreaked on our life and that this is all still relatively new to me. We just passed the 10-month mark of dday, but I am trying to metabolize 15 YEARS OF CHEATING! The last time my husband had sex with his affair partner was 1 year, 3 months, 30 days, and approximately 23 hours ago. Yeah, I know. It is stuck in my head like shrapnel from a war injury… a war I am still fighting. It was last summer, and the story goes a little like this: we return from a glorious two-week trip to Paris for my 50th birthday. A few days later, on Father’s Day, we pick up a new mini Australian Shepherd puppy for my husband. My husband has been obsessing about this puppy for months. What a treat. We get to pick him up on Father’s Day. He is such a cutie (his picture is my Gravatar photo). A couple weeks later, square in the middle of training cute, little puppy, my husband starts having intestinal issues and is checked into the hospital, where he stays for SEVEN FULL DAYS. When we finally get him released, I hire a puppy sitter and whisk him off to the coast for a few days of rest and relaxation. We return home on the Sunday before our wedding anniversary. Then, and I know this from phone records (a post for a different day), that pretty much the minute we return from the coast, my husband starts in calling and obsessively texting the whore, again. Apparently Paris, a new puppy, and a romantic trip to the coast just is not enough to deter him from his addictive patterns and overwhelming feelings of neediness after a dreaded trip to the hospital. Even though he had been out of the hospital and healing for days, he could not get his secret sex life out of his mind. They obsessively call and text each other for over a week, but he can’t take it any more and he schedules a time to “see” her. Meanwhile, the day before this hookup with the alcoholic whore, it’s our 24th wedding anniversary. Happy fucking anniversary, baby and my gift to you, is fucking another woman behind your back. Now, back to the puppy thing… on the day my husband decides he cannot live without fucking the whore, is the day our crazy puppy and our five year old golden, a beautiful angel (I love my fur babies) are scheduled to go to the vet, together, for shots and check ups. Now, this is a lot of dog for one person to handle and I assume my husband will go with me for his puppy’s check up. He tells me he cannot possibly make the vet appointment as he has important meetings that morning. I check his calendar, nothing. He says he forgot to put them on the calendar, and then he makes something up. I am frustrated, but business is business—family always comes second. Then, pretty much at the same time that I am ushering about 85 pounds of dog, including one crazy unruly puppy into the vet’s office, my husband is having sex with a woman across town, a “quickie” that by his own admission lasts all of about three minutes (including ripping their clothes off).

When my husband returns home later that day, he does not ask how the vet appointment went. He does not even remember there was a vet appointment, or he just doesn’t care. He is, however, sporting a brand spanking new haircut and shave and he looks happy. So much for all this remorse and guilt bullshit.

So, yeah, no, I am not going to laugh with you about the cute story of how adorable it is when a sex addict husband comes home and takes HIS untrained puppy off his wife’s hands. You fucking asshole!

2 thoughts on “Flirting with triggers, again

  1. You crack me up. Do you believe he can be cured of his addiction? Fifteen years of lying to your face and fucking a bunch of whores would be a deal breaker for most women. But not you. You’ve stuck around, made sure your husband has the help he needs, been a faithful wife. He doesn’t deserve you. You are amazing. Love and strength to you. SWxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, SW, the question of whether he can be cured of his addiction is one I fight with every day. Cured, no. Should he be able to manage it, yes. Will he always feel compelled to manage it, I don’t know. It is addiction, and it is a bitch. We have been together for 30 years and have had a good marriage. Despite what “people” say, especially the mistresses, I had absolutely no idea my husband was cheating on me. He has been hiding his addiction from the world for 40 years. He got really good at it. The day the alcoholic whore called me, I was in shock. When I finally woke up from the fog, about a month later, I really in earnest began questioning whether I could stay in this marriage. Quite a few therapy appointments later, I realize I am strong enough to leave and the decision is, of course, all mine. At about six months, I was ready to leave. Not because he wasn’t sharing details, and he certainly wasn’t acting out any more, but he has a lot of anger and resentment inside that drives the deceptive behavior. His bad habits don’t just include cheating. He lies, he manipulates, he carries a lot of resentment from his childhood. I was having real issues with the betrayal and I still wonder if he could do it again, under the same faulty and addictive thought processes. I have given him a year to show me he wants to manage this thing. That he wants a life with me. There is actually a great book that helped me understand this horrible addiction (well, and actually help me believe it is even real). Once you have lived with an exposed sex addict, you know it is real. As real as death and taxes. I am still in trauma. He has issues with understanding my feelings because, like most cheaters, he compartmentalized me out of his cheating life completely. Most make the same rationalizations in their head… I didn’t think you loved me anymore, I didn’t think you would care. It is utter BS and all a mind game so they can manage to continue to hurt the ones they love. Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right, he doesn’t deserve me and it still burns that he really has not had to pay any consequences for his deplorable actions. We just had that conversation AGAIN last night. When his addiction was exposed, all that crap he had been hiding, was taken off his shoulders and put squarely onto mine. Now I have the burden of knowing the person I relied on for my safety, security, and comfort, traded that for some tawdry sex addicts with a bunch of broken women. I do the best I can. Hugs to you.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s