Journal Entry: August 20, 2014
We are still out of town at the family reunion, but now my husband and I have our big vacation rental house on the golf course all to ourselves. My, it is peaceful. I have been doing surprisingly well. I only socialize when I want to. There aren’t the weird stressors from home. I don’t drive around wondering if I am going to run into her. There is no real schedule. The dogs love going for walks here… well they love going for walks anywhere, really. I guess I enjoy going on walks here better.
Today as I was listening to my iTunes, I noticed a new song by Mary Lambert. I love Mary Lambert and I receive updates any time she releases a new song or album. I am really impressed by this girl. I first heard her a couple years ago on “Same Love” with Macklemore. Such a gorgeous voice, and a beautiful lyricist. Earlier this year she released a music video for her “Body Love” Parts 1 and 2. It’s simply a beautiful and heartbreaking lyrical piece of poetry.
I watched this video with my husband a while back. At some point in the video, he chuckled. While tears were streaming down my face, he found something amusing? I asked him what was so funny. He said he didn’t know. But I know he just didn’t want to verbalize what he was thinking. I was so angry with him. Also, there are some real asshole comments on the you tube page for this video. Mostly men judging people for being fat. Saying we all have control over our own bodies. Unfortunately, ignorance does not solve any problem. They are ignorant to others’ suffering and potentially even caused some of this suffering themselves. We all know we cannot truly know how someone else feels and what they have gone through until we walk a mile in their shoes. Judging is not helpful. So, it is very ironic to me that with everything my husband has gone through, that he would spend even one second scoffing at someone else’s pain. My husband is a predator. He has preyed on vulnerable women. That is what makes me cry. People are being objectified every day. When will the madness end? I am assuming never. I am sensitive and I do find myself living inside other’s pain. It does not help me and it does not help them, but I can be compassionate to other’s suffering. My husband has a hard time with this. This is something that will need to change.
As I listened to Mary’s new release, “Secrets,” I am once again loving her words. A more light-hearted look at herself.
“They tell us from the time we’re young, to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else.”
I never did hide who I was. I am an open book. I would not even have this blog anonymous if not for my husband, and his “secrets.” Unless we live an honest life, admit who we really are, how can we ever expect to be happy, with ourselves, or with others.
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are…
I’m over it.