Journal Entry: August 20, 2014
We are still out of town at the family reunion, but now my husband and I have our big vacation rental house on the golf course all to ourselves. My, it is peaceful. I have been doing surprisingly well. I only socialize when I want to. There aren’t the weird stressors from home. I don’t drive around wondering if I am going to run into her. There is no real schedule. The dogs love going for walks here… well they love going for walks anywhere, really. I guess I enjoy going on walks here better.
Today as I was listening to my iTunes, I noticed a new song by Mary Lambert. I love Mary Lambert and I receive updates any time she releases a new song or album. I am really impressed by this girl. I first heard her a couple years ago on “Same Love” with Macklemore. Such a gorgeous voice, and a beautiful lyricist. Earlier this year she released a music video for her “Body Love” Parts 1 and 2. It’s simply a beautiful and heartbreaking lyrical piece of poetry.
I watched this video with my husband a while back. At some point in the video, he chuckled. While tears were streaming down my face, he found something amusing? I asked him what was so funny. He said he didn’t know. But I know he just didn’t want to verbalize what he was thinking. I was so angry with him. Also, there are some real asshole comments on the you tube page for this video. Mostly men judging people for being fat. Saying we all have control over our own bodies. Unfortunately, ignorance does not solve any problem. They are ignorant to others’ suffering and potentially even caused some of this suffering themselves. We all know we cannot truly know how someone else feels and what they have gone through until we walk a mile in their shoes. Judging is not helpful. So, it is very ironic to me that with everything my husband has gone through, that he would spend even one second scoffing at someone else’s pain. My husband is a predator. He has preyed on vulnerable women. That is what makes me cry. People are being objectified every day. When will the madness end? I am assuming never. I am sensitive and I do find myself living inside other’s pain. It does not help me and it does not help them, but I can be compassionate to other’s suffering. My husband has a hard time with this. This is something that will need to change.
As I listened to Mary’s new release, “Secrets,” I am once again loving her words. A more light-hearted look at herself.
“They tell us from the time we’re young, to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else.”
I never did hide who I was. I am an open book. I would not even have this blog anonymous if not for my husband, and his “secrets.” Unless we live an honest life, admit who we really are, how can we ever expect to be happy, with ourselves, or with others.
I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are…
I’m over it.
7 thoughts on “I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are”
I also adore Mary Lambert and especially this track. I think it speaks so eloquently to those of us fighting these demons, these feelings about ourselves. I told my boy that he had turned me into the insecure teenage girl I never really was. Body loathing. Mind loathing. Self loathing. And knowing full well I should feel none of these negative feelings.
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Yes. Every once in a while I fall into the body loathing trap. What he did, he did not do to hurt me, or disrespect me, or make me feel bad… he didn’t think a lot about me. One of the most frustrating things for me to hear come out of is mouth is… “well, I didn’t mean for that to happen.” Regardless of his intentions, the results are the same and if he had thought of me at all, he would have had to face the reality of what he knew he was doing to me. And that is why he didn’t, think about me. Self confidence is the only way for me to combat the demons. I have it, I just need to tap into it more often, and more deeply.
I have a controversial theory, CK. The spouses of recovering sex addicts have better (slightly) self esteem because with an addiction it is obvious the problem is with the addict. With a selfish pricks who just choose to betray us (in my case with one longish affair) don’t supply such an obvious distinction. Although I know it was not about me, I just feel like, why? I mean I know “why” but why does someone discount a couple of decades of love, commitment and loyalty because they feel entitled for a moment? Why throw all the fantastic decades away because you can’t be arsed talking through whatever the issue you have settled on?
The whole situation is heartbreaking and demoralizing. The only thing that keeps me in the marriage with my husband, is that I know he didn’t love the women, he was using them, and I know he wants to try and “fix” himself. I know, the whole thing makes me sick. With other cheaters, however, the issue is still the same. They are doing it because they have some unresolved issue in themselves. Just like an addict (but hopefully not as messed up), they have to want to figure out what that is and help themselves. Whether the wife is still there when they come out of the other side, is for the wife to decide. If the men decide not to get that help, regardless, they are going to find themselves alone and lonely… even if they find another woman. Because it’s not the woman, it’s them. I think it is more difficult than just not wanting to talk about issues. I think they all feel shame and humiliation and they are weak. I went to a workshop for betrayed spouses (in October, so I am not there yet), but the overwhelming issue with the cheaters, is that they are messed up. They certainly ran the gamut in terms of how abusive they were with their relationships towards their wives. And some of the wives definitely had their own core issues (mostly from childhood). Some of the women were married and trying to make it work, some separated, and some already divorced. What a great experience in a room full of wonderful women. To have something so horrifying in common (only three of the 24 husbands were diagnosed sex addicts, although I suspect there were some undiagnosed ones) and have people who really do understand. It was amazing. But the whole reason we were there, was to become stronger and realize we have the power, not them. They are the sick ones, not us. I am sad when the marriages do not survive, but I think we, as wives, need to feel safe and that is the underlying problem. Not necessarily the humiliation, or the pain, or the heartache, but the fear that we do not know them, but we do know what they are capable of, regardless of what comes out of their mouths (usually a bunch of lies). For me, I could care less what other people think. I am getting over the pain, but i need to feel safe. I am still a work in progress.
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Yep. But my problem is that he has done, and continues to do, the work, but I feel no better. I know he was basically “unwell” at the time and he chose badly. But despite my best efforts, I am not better. I worked my butt off and felt sure our openness and love would get us to a better place. Now I just feel exhausted and disappointed in myself for not being better after everything he and I have done, and he continues to do – me, I have had enough. But I am no better with, or without him and that makes me unkind to myself. So effing frustrated with kon-recovery on my part.
You know, I have not gotten a chance to go back and read your story from the beginning, but I guess what I would have to say is, don’t beat yourself up anymore. You did all you could do. Maybe you are mourning more for what you thought your life or marriage “should” be. It is so difficult to believe we have everything and then to actually realize we don’t. It is not fun, it sucks. We wanted it all. We did not want to be here, do not want to be here. I understand the feeling of doing everything you can and it not being enough for you to continue with a marriage you no longer believe in. Don’t punish yourself. When the decision is yours (versus him running away with the OW), I think once the break is made, you will feel better? Move on? I desperately wanted to move on… I told my parents I might have to move on. They were heartbroken. I was shocked after everything my husband did, that my parents did not want me to do what I thought was best for me. If you don’t feel healed after all this time, maybe you can only heal without him. The only reason I say this is because some of the women at the workshop I was at had held on for so long, and their husbands were doing the right things, but the wives just couldn’t do it anymore. They divorced and they are much, much happier. The ones that weren’t happy are the ones who did not have a choice. The husband made the choice for them. I don’t know. I do want to stay with my husband, but if he doesn’t take his recovery seriously, I will have to leave. I will be heartbroken, but it will be the best decision for me. Interestingly enough, two of the husbands swore they would never ever ever go back to their AP, but then as soon as their wife left them, they went back to the OW. I think those wives made a good choice. I hope you feel better soon.