Where my pain comes from today

Journal Entry: September 1, 2014

Today’s thoughts to my husband:

I can feel the time slipping away, like watching sand in an hourglass. Each day we get a little closer to the one year mark. I know you can feel it too. This is not the time to swoop in at the eleventh hour, to call for a hail mary, to try and hit a grand slam at the bottom of the ninth. You needed to play this game solid, not pray for a miracle at the end. We are almost at the eight month post dday point. Eight months! Where are we going with this? Where are YOU going with this?

I realize there was no need to share deeply with me in the past, because you had your illness to hide behind. You lived in your head and you shared a covert life with another woman. You could tell her all your innermost thoughts and desires, because that is what she longed for, she lived off that connection, and so did you.

Me and the kids were part of your reality, your burden. Your liaisons were your clandestine fantasies. We were the responsibilities, and we didn’t get that intense, and most passionate part of you. You let the affairs suck that up. We got the “this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life” part of you. The wife, the kids, the career, the house, the cars, the private schools, the obligatory family get togethers. When I was oblivious, I was happy. Well, I’m not so ignorant anymore, and guess what? I am not so happy either. The covert relationships were your outlet. They allowed you to balance yourself, but at a cost to your integrity. I realize now, how difficult it is for you to be genuine. I feel myself sliding into a secret place. I am tired of working so hard for this relationship. I ache to be part of a real and whole life with you. I never kept secrets from you, but now I feel this burning desire to keep my thoughts my own. To not share anymore. I need someone who is genuine, someone who cares. I feel myself sliding into a private place because I am so tired of pouring my heart out and feeling empty inside as a result, because I get nothing back. I need someone who is not just waiting and trying to be patient for me to work through “this.” I realize I cannot drag out of you feeling you do not have, but where is the level of commitment and passion you invested in your affairs and your acting out partner? I feel like I am watching a deadened version of you. It makes me sad. I don’t want to have to end our marriage. I don’t want to start over and look to someone else for the deeper connection, but I know I am strong enough to start over, if I have to.

I am afraid you are not going to pull off the win in time.

10 thoughts on “Where my pain comes from today

  1. “Me and the kids are part of the reality………..how difficult it is for you to be genuine”. They don’t want to loose us, we are what makes them look normal. We’ve been conditioned to accept the weird behavior and excuses that allow them to live their compartmentalized lives. With out us the mask slips for others to see and that is just not acceptable to them. They will (imply) that the will do what ever it takes and act all loving but just like you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, they also don’t unlearn their old ones. Ohhh – I love it ; the title of my next post. Keep on writing- it will heal us all! Thanks Kat and Happier New Year to you!

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  2. From your words, without you knowing it, you are already healing. The more you try and deal and cope with your husband’s addiction, you more immunity you build. There will come a time though, a time where you alone will decide whether to carry on or stop. A crossroads is inevitable, in every relationship.
    x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Henry. The healing is still day to day. I do feel stronger. I know I have choices, and that I alone get to make the choices that work for me. It’s the. journey that’s important right now, not the destination.

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  3. Oh God… Your words. Your words. You expressed everything that is in my mind. My heart. Thank you. I just need to gain more strength. I deserve better. My kids deserve better. My H needs help that I fear he will never get because he will never admit he did anything wrong. I am starting to believe that in some ways he actually hates me. Blames me for what he is doing. The choices he has made. For my interrupting and nearly exposing it. It is a colossal mess. I will have all professional help first before doing anything. Before taking any action. Before telling him I know. That I know it is sick to do what he is doing. The escorts, the hook ups. The trips. The hurt. Hurting our children. Hurting. How can I ever get over this? Is it possible?

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    • I am so sorry for your pain. To answer your question at the end, yes, I do believe you can heal from this. I do believe it is possible, but maybe not with your husband if he is not capable of acknowledging what he is doing. He is 100% responsible for all of his behavior. None of it is you. They all want to deflect, divert, rationalize, compartmentalize… it is part of the illness. The only way out is for him to acknowledge he has a problem and get help for it. I hope you are able to get the help you need. You can always email if you would like. I have learned a lot in the past 11 months. My thoughts are with you.

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