Journal Entry: September 1, 2014
Today’s thoughts to my husband:
I can feel the time slipping away, like watching sand in an hourglass. Each day we get a little closer to the one year mark. I know you can feel it too. This is not the time to swoop in at the eleventh hour, to call for a hail mary, to try and hit a grand slam at the bottom of the ninth. You needed to play this game solid, not pray for a miracle at the end. We are almost at the eight month post dday point. Eight months! Where are we going with this? Where are YOU going with this?
I realize there was no need to share deeply with me in the past, because you had your illness to hide behind. You lived in your head and you shared a covert life with another woman. You could tell her all your innermost thoughts and desires, because that is what she longed for, she lived off that connection, and so did you.
Me and the kids were part of your reality, your burden. Your liaisons were your clandestine fantasies. We were the responsibilities, and we didn’t get that intense, and most passionate part of you. You let the affairs suck that up. We got the “this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life” part of you. The wife, the kids, the career, the house, the cars, the private schools, the obligatory family get togethers. When I was oblivious, I was happy. Well, I’m not so ignorant anymore, and guess what? I am not so happy either. The covert relationships were your outlet. They allowed you to balance yourself, but at a cost to your integrity. I realize now, how difficult it is for you to be genuine. I feel myself sliding into a secret place. I am tired of working so hard for this relationship. I ache to be part of a real and whole life with you. I never kept secrets from you, but now I feel this burning desire to keep my thoughts my own. To not share anymore. I need someone who is genuine, someone who cares. I feel myself sliding into a private place because I am so tired of pouring my heart out and feeling empty inside as a result, because I get nothing back. I need someone who is not just waiting and trying to be patient for me to work through “this.” I realize I cannot drag out of you feeling you do not have, but where is the level of commitment and passion you invested in your affairs and your acting out partner? I feel like I am watching a deadened version of you. It makes me sad. I don’t want to have to end our marriage. I don’t want to start over and look to someone else for the deeper connection, but I know I am strong enough to start over, if I have to.
I am afraid you are not going to pull off the win in time.