Journal Entry: October 16, 2014
Going back home.
I woke up yesterday feeling down. In hindsight, I think I was totally burnt out. All my energy was gone. Used up. I had spent days now with my husband with barely a break. It was getting to be too much. In a car, in a hotel room, in a hospital room… nothing had gone as planned. Our 25th wedding anniversary trip had pretty much been a disaster and now, here I was, packing up to head home. Blue Eyes is still not eating, he’s sick and miserable and worried and he just wants to be home so he can visit his doctor. Going home is full of triggers, especially when my husband is not strong enough to comfort me when I need him to.
Since I knew my husband was already feeling bad, and weak, I knew emotionally I was on my own. I was feeling trapped, like no matter what, my needs would always come second and I would forever be taking care of him. The closer to home we got, the more anxious I became.
My husband spent today at the hospital as they ran tests and rehydrated him again, I just couldn’t muster the strength to go with him. I spent the day at home. When Blue Eyes returned home, he looked happier than he had in a while. They determined he would not need surgery and he was back to having an appetite again, all good signs, but not really improving my mood. We have been through this so many times before.
For months I had been telling Blue Eyes I needed time away, to myself. He was scared to be left alone. Being alone, in the past, was a sure fire invitation to feed his addiction, but I can no longer worry about that. He needs to be able to control himself without me feeling responsible to keep him on the straight and narrow and I just need to do something for myself.
I was doing what I do these days when I feel lost and alone, perusing the internet for answers to the unanswerable, trying to make sense of the senseless. I googled “why do women cheat with married men,” or something like that, and I came across a website with the following question and answer regarding a letter from the other woman:
Questions About Affairs – Letter #1
Dear Anne – I fell in love with a coworker whose wife had not had sex with him for most of their 10 year marriage. We have not had intercourse but spend lots of time joking, hugging, touching and offering each other moral support. I do not think he has the courage and resolve to leave his wife but he likes seeing me and I love him more than anyone I have ever known and feel extremely jealous that he stays with her when I have so much love and affection that I want to give him. I do not want to hurt anyone but I do not feel his wife will change from being a very self-serving ice queen type. Why do these guys stay with these women? What can I do to get happier so that I can heal and have more to offer in the future? How can we resolve this so everyone can be happy? Is there something I don’t understand about what might be keeping him in his marriage and what he wants from me and how I can have the fulfilling close loving friendship and companionship I need and want in my life?
Answer to Letter #1
My heart goes out to you, because your life will be the greatest tragedy of all in this love triangle.
Often men having affairs, tell the other woman the self-serving ice queen story about their wife. Almost always there is also another side to the story. Most often these men who have affairs have wonderful wives who are hurting because their husbands are not investing the energy into the marriage that it deserves. The wife’s resulting sadness can sometimes cause him to convince himself, his affair is okay. Any woman who is properly loved by her husband will respond in a loving manner. If she does have “ice queen” behavior, the way he has treated her has contributed to her emotional condition. He is not an innocent victim.
In the event that this man marries you, it won’t be long before you’ve become the “ice queen” he’s telling some other woman about while he cheats on you. As you describe the situation, this man you’ve been seeing is following the typical behavior of a man with a good wife who is having an affair. He is lying to you as much as to his wife.
When a married man creates a relationship with a woman outside his marriage, he is insulting that woman. You are second best. He hasn’t left his wife because he loves his wife. If she really is an “ice queen,” then you have to wonder what’s wrong with him. He chose to marry her! People marry people at the same level of emotional maturity, and with similar levels of emotional baggage.
You can never resolve this so that everyone is happy. I specialize in working with women like this man’s wife, loving, caring women, who are good wives, while their husbands are having affairs. My husband’s other woman also thought he was her prince charming, there to rescue her from her unhappiness and to leave me. She kept telling people that he was the one she was going to marry. He never spoke out otherwise, because he thought if he did it would end the affair, yet deep down he knew he was never going to leave me. It had nothing to do with the other woman, her looks, or her personality. It had to do with the reflection of himself he saw in her adoring eyes. It was an escape from his responsibilities at home. Rarely do men leave their wives for their affair partners, but they do lead them on.
You’re involvement has contributed to unimaginable pain and hurt for his wife and children, and sadly you will be the most hurt of all. Affairs are never okay. You need to minimize the pain by walking away, and working on becoming a woman who would no longer be satisfied with being second best
What’s keeping him in his marriage is he loves his wife more than you, and his wife is not nearly the “ice queen” woman he tells you she is.
My words are intended to set you free, not to hurt you. I hope you will find the strength to stand for what you deserve in life in the future and avoid relationships with married men.
There are other questions and answers on this page of their site, but this link was the one that got me hooked. I like the way Anne answered the OW’s questions. I started reading other pages of the website and realized they have seminars for betrayed wives. I picked up the phone and called the number, and talked with Brian, “the cheater,” for 45-minutes and decided I would spend my time away doing something useful for myself. I decided right then and there to take my life back.
2 thoughts on “Bonding road trip from hell, part four”
“Being alone, in the past, was a sure fire invitation to feed his addiction, but I can no longer worry about that.”
I am so happy to hear this. sometimes, it is so hard for me to justify what “no longer worrying” will do. sometimes i wonder “if i leave, which i am entitled to as my pain is unsurmountable, will he fall into his ways and ruin his life? i dont want his heart broken. in every way, no matter what, i want him to be whole and happy” but youre right. i cant just spend my life worrying about him and his emotions. a loving wife will always worry about her husbands state of mind and heart, but when that wife is hurting, and her husbands pains and struggles are too deep to care for her, where will SHE find peace and solace as she searches for ways to give HIM that? there are two people who deserve love and care. and right now, ive given so much to him, and im not being provided for.
its easy, as a selfless person, to not want to throw in the towel…or even just take space if needed. we WANT success and love. but we also have to preserve our hearts and do what it takes to keep us strong. no matter what that action is.
im really grateful to have stumbled upon your blog. we are strong, even though we feel weak and powerless. we are loving even if we cant give love to someone else without hurting. we have been great spouses, sure with our own setbacks, but we have not hurt our husbands in this way.
additionally, sex addiction comes with such a hard thing. no other addiction can really make a woman question her worth. alcoholic’s wives dont have to face the same sorts of insecurities and realities. they dont have to feel their being and worth diminished. I wont say they have it easy, but the emotional damage is of a different caliber.
Keep doing you. and keep writing about it. It needs to be read, not just by me, but by any woman, at any point in life facing these things. it helps us feel less alone and there is strength in numbers.
Hugs to you. today and everyday.
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Thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. If the addict does not sincerely embark on their recovery journey, does not want to help themselves, you cannot feel safe. You cannot heal yourself. You are strong, Torn, you can do this. I know you have chosen to leave. Maybe this will be the impetus for him to recover, but regardless, you have done the right thing for you and your children. My thoughts are with you. Hugs and <3. I think about you all the time.