Deciding to take my life back

Journal Entry: October 17, 2014

After my 45-minute phone call with Brian, the other half (the cheating half) of the winning team behind the http://beyondaffairs.com website and the Passionate Life Seminars (http://beyondaffairs.com/beyond_affairs_network_seminars/take-your-life-back-retreat/), Anne being his betrayed wife, I was excited, yet apprehensive. While talking with Brian, I realized the upcoming ‘Take Your Life Back’ 3-Day Seminar, which sounded amazing, was only a week away, exactly a week away. Blue Eyes’ birthday (https://trynottocryonmyrainbow.wordpress.com/2014/10/23/leave-your-baggage-at-the-door-and-join-me-for-a-little-celebration/) is the day before I will need to leave for the seminar, and The Peacemaker’s 21st birthday falls on the second day of the seminar, and the seminar is in Phoenix, not exactly driving distance from our home. I was starting to feel the pull of my empath heartstrings trying to convince me to stay home for my family, but Brian reminded me that I had called because I had specifically wanted, well needed, to do something for myself. He wisely commented that my soon-to-be 21 year old would prefer to be with friends anyway, if I was being honest with myself. Yeah, but in the past, I would have definitely just wanted to be there for him, make him breakfast, give him a big kiss, and tell him in person how much I love him. I realized I had spent the past 21 years doing all those things and now, now it was time to do something for myself.

I proceeded to book my air and in order to make it to the seminar on time without having to fly in the night before, on my husband’s birthday, I would need to be at the airport by 4:00am. Wow, that was almost a deal breaker for me, but I went for it, put in my credit card info and it was done. The seminar is expensive, but includes hotel and a couple meals, plus, based on the following description, I think it is perfect for me.

During this journey of healing from affairs …

Are you stuck in your healing journey?


Do you feel devastated beyond words?


Do you feel isolated and alone?


Are you wondering if you can ever be happy again?


Are you confused about what to do?


Do you feel like no one understands you?


Do you feel embarrassed? Ashamed? Judged? Misunderstood?


Are you afraid about your future?


Are you furiously angry?


Do you struggle with obsessive thoughts?


Are you wondering how to take your life back?

Then this may be of interest to you …

At our Take Your Life Back Retreat you will get

  • Rest and refreshment for your wounded soul
  • A chance to talk with others who understand
  • A time to cry
  • A time to laugh again
  • Clear perspective to make sense of this unfair event
  • Motivation to go back and live your life with strength again
  • Unstuck
  • Clarity about how to proceed with your future

And you will learn …

  • How to forgive
  • How to release the pain and sadness
  • How to stop the obsessive thoughts
  • How to deal effectively with anger
  • How to rebuild your self-esteem
  • How to live as victor and not a victim
  • How to make sensible decisions for the future
  • How to get on with your life in the best possible way for you

My thoughts after reading the description? If they can do half the things they talk about on their website, it will be worth it.

9 thoughts on “Deciding to take my life back

  1. I had a lot to do with assisting running a local chapter, and absolutely, they are all different. No question. And yes, to self healing. All I meant was that it was another step on my journey. One I saw a lot of people – those running chapters – leave when the reconciliation option wasn’t working, despite best efforts, for them. It was an observation I made over a period of several years. I think Brian amd Anne have the VERY best of intentions, but also note they have made this their very successful career. Everyone is different, and different approaches work for different people. That was my entire point. I WANT healing for people. I HOPE that when those suffering walk this path that they get a better result. My experience was ever-so-briefly shared because I saw a lot of hopes dashed within that organisation because of the message delivered. Several of us walked away feeling like failures. Not good enough. Because we followed the program, and healing did not occur as we felt somewhat “promised.” That is all, SW.

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    • This is why I welcome all comments. If I write about how great TYLB was for me, and that I did find some healing, which I will finish writing about on the plane, and it wasn’t so great for someone else, they might read my post and feel like there was something wrong with them, or I am an idiot 🙂 . I was skeptical at first too because it was really expensive and they have definitely made a biz of it. I did not watch all the TV appearances or any of that nonsense on their website. I read the testimonials, and some of what Anne had written, and she is very much like me in personality (our personality scores were nearly identical as it turned out) and I kept an open mind. Anne and Brian’s situation is VERY different to mine and my husband, but the workshop was what I needed at the time and although Brian’s portion of the workshop was not helpful to me because he is nothing like my husband and his situation is nothing like my husband’s (plus at first he was cynical about the sex addiction diagnosis of my husband, without even knowing anything about him because he said it is “the diagnosis of the moment,” another excuse for being a cheater… ), but I wasn’t going there to have our situation “validated” by a man, and I wasn’t going there to listen to a cheater’s story, but instead going there to be with other women who have experienced this kind of pain and trauma and to not feel so alone. I am not the type of woman who sits around in a room with other women feeling vulnerable, generally, but in this case, it made me feel stronger. I still have a lot more to post, but suffice it to say, I came back in a wonderful mood, feeling much better about me and my strength (especially if I needed to move on from my husband), and then ironically, my husband and our therapist completely destroyed my mood at our very first couple’s session after the workshop, because there was a planned and orchestrated disclosure that knocked me flat, once again. That post will be called “The Ambush.” Life sucks! I still feel stronger because of the workshop. Thanks for sharing your experience. It is very important for people to hear both sides, and I was kind of expecting it, just maybe not expecting it from you 🙂 . Did they do a workshop in NZ? I am not sure the BAN meetings will work for me because I have to drive quite a ways in traffic to get there, which stresses me out, and then the meetings are stressful. Also, the BAN coordinator attended a TYLB workshop earlier in the year and it did not help her at all, I think because she was trying to find a way to heal her marriage, but since her husband was already out the door (therefore would not go with her to healing from affairs)… she is still very broken and unhappy. I don’t think the timing was right for her, plus she definitely did not want to lose her marriage, that was all in the hands of her husband, unfortunately.

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  2. Good for you for putting yourself first…I give you a standing ovation! Also, your husband’s idea that “you can’t leave him alone or he’ll relapse” is total nonsense. He’s a grown man if he thinks he’s going to relapse, than he needs to take steps to prevent it. You are his wife not his babysitter.

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    • Hell yeah! It becomes another method of control. Another form of addiction. Addiction to your full attention. And you get suckered in. I tried the BAN way early on. It wasn’t for me, too much rah, rah, your life and marriage will be BETTER because of your husband’s affair/s. No it fucking isn’t! And I just felt sad for the people whose marriages were originally so unfulfilling that they bought that. That it took this kind of agony to improve things. Sorry, crying on your rainbow here, Kat! I fervently hope it helps YOU xxx.

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        • Ha, ladies, ladies, I love you both 🙂 . Like Paula, I have tried one BAN meeting here near our home. No rah rah, at all, just a lot of painful stories and women trying to connect with others who have walked in similar shoes. I think the BAN meetings are all different because they are all coordinated by different people. Ours is run by a heartbroken woman whose husband left her for the OW. No love for the marriage or her ex there. I will tell you, the Take Your Life Back Seminar was not about repairing our marriage, it was about repairing me. I will write more about it in the next few days so I can move forward and try and get to current, but I was thankful to be in a room full of loving women who understood what I was going through and didn’t judge me or blame me in any way. It was very special and well worth my time and money. We are still in contact on a daily basis. More to come. We all have our own journeys and healing ourselves takes so much time. I will write about how wonderful the workshop was, and then I will write about a tormented evening in Hawaii a month and a half later. Ups and downs, three steps forward, two back. We all do the best we can, but I welcome all comments here. I understand being pissed off, and I understand being heartbroken. hugs and ❤

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    • Violet, I do agree with you that sometimes, at this point in my husband’s recovery, it does feel like babysitting. He has been a sex addict for most of his life and he is having to completely reshape his thinking. He no longer has his safety net, his comfort zone, his secret life. His detox is real, but I do need to take care of myself all at the same time. He used to be a workaholic, this year he barely worked. I used to have all kinds of time for myself, now I have almost none, at least not a lot that hasn’t been dedicated to my own trauma and recovery. We are moving forward ever so slowly. Regarding being alone, I think he was less worried about acting out, as he is committed to his sobriety, but he was worried about anxiety attacks. He has some serious anxiety at this point. We talked a lot about his schedule and what he would do while I was gone, and he did fine. It may sound like babysitting, but unfortunately his sobriety and recovery is serious business and this second six months of the process has been the most intense… I have often believed he should have gone to an inpatient facility and maybe he could have expedited the process, but I think that is just wishful thinking. Now they say he just has another 2-5 years to go before he can say he is recovered. I am not sure I will ever consider him recovered. I will probably always just call him a sex addict.

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