If I ever thought I would run out of things to write for my blog, I was mistaken. Even if there is nothing interesting enough to write about going on in my life, other bloggers daily give me ideas of topics to write about. Every day I am either prompted by another’s blog topic, or a comment on my own blog, or a comment on someone else’s blog.
After receiving some rather opinionated comments on my blog about my emotional condition, and then having two followers publicly announce they would not continue following me because I, at this time, have chosen not to partake in more individual therapy, I decided to address my thoughts about blogging.
Today I took stock in why I decided to start a blog in the first place. I had kept a journal since discovery day. I did not start my journal because I was so inspired by the discovery of my husband’s pathological lying and infidelity that I thought, oh wow, this is something fun to write about. No, I fell into it because I could not sleep. Lying next to my husband on a pillow soaked with tears, there was no way I could shut down the images and the pain. Once he fell asleep, I would get up and go into my office and I would start the Google searches: why do men cheat, why do women cheat with married men, infidelity, betrayed spouse… and the list goes on. After hours of searching and reading and crying and feeling lost and alone, I would start journaling. My thoughts would spill out, pages and pages of painful words prompted by feelings I have never experienced before.
At some point, I stumbled upon some mistress blogs. I’m not sure how I got to the mistress blogs first, not even realizing there were so many betrayed spouse blogs out there for me to connect with. I did not find the betrayed spouse blogs until I actually started blogging, and frankly, a lot of them found me. I was surprised that people were following my blog so quickly, so of course I followed back and then found more betrayed spouse blogs, so many blogs I was astonished.
Those mistress blogs I found at the beginning though, those brought me a lot of pain. I want to say I started reading about six of them at once. They were overwhelming. There was a lot of talk about how stupid and selfish the wives were for not knowing their husbands were cheating, or turning the other cheek so to speak because all they cared about was the security the husband afforded them with status and money. They talked about wives as if none of us ever had sex with our husbands. We were frigid, and lazy, and spoiled. We sacrificed our marital relationship because we were too busy with our lives, our friends, and our kids. They blogged about hours and hours of sex with married men.
During those first days, when I was so raw and vulnerable, I actually took some of this shit seriously. By take it seriously I mean I thought how can anyone think this about me? I am not like that at all. And my guess is, after reading dozens of betrayed spouse blogs, most of us are not at all like those mistresses describe “the wife.” Why do they feel like this about the wives? Well, after a year of immersing myself in this messy business of adultery, I would say it is because the cheaters for the most part are broken and lying, and the mistresses are broken, and rationalizing. Of course I am generalizing as well, but I am not basing my words on just my own personal situation. I am reading blogs every day and we bloggers are asking the same questions. Why would my husband lie to me and about me? Why would a woman want someone else’s man? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why would he sacrifice everything for her?
It took me nine months, but I finally did get up the nerve to start my own blog. Journaling helps me release some of my pent up anxiety, fear and pain. I type or write the words and somehow feel a little bit better. I have also gone back to read my own words and can see I am making progress. I can see myself coming to terms with my new reality and fighting through the pain and agony to the other side. Each day is a battle, a battle I am winning. At first, after discovery day, I thought I was crazy. I thought staying with my husband was crazy. I thought sex addiction sounded crazy. But then, as I learned about betrayal-based PTSD, and I learned that I was not alone in my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I realized I could come back from this. I can climb out of the hole my husband threw me in. I can survive.
About a month ago, I was perusing some of the blogs I follow and I happened upon a blog written by a very unhappy woman. I am not going to speak too much about her or her situation because I do not want to call her out here, she is also in a lot of pain. I merely want to talk about an experience I had reading another blogger’s words, an extremely disturbing experience. I have never followed this blogger. I read her about page and then linked to a page from there. This blogger has suffered tragedy in her life, which broke her. She then cheated with a married man she thought was in love with her. Turns out he wasn’t. She told her husband about her affair, and then they divorced. Her lover did not leave his wife. She wrote a post about how crazy betrayed spouses can be, but she wrote it as if all betrayed spouses act a certain way. I do hold a great deal of contempt towards my husband’s affair partner as she blackmailed my husband and now continues to stalk me, and I often speak unkindly about her, but in no way do I insinuate she represents all other women. I am not proud of it, but I don’t take any of it back. My blog is the only place I can do that and I think most people understand. I do not generalize or assume all other women are like this crazy affair partner of my husband. The blogger is a scorned mistress who knew she was in a relationship with a married man and now she is pissed that he did not leave his wife for her, so she is now mad at the victim, and she is lashing out at all betrayed spouses. I am not mad at the victim. I am mad at a perpetrator. I know I am sounding defensive, because I feel defensive. I am defensive of myself and of all the other betrayed spouses and betrayed spouse bloggers.
In her blog entry about how pathetic betrayed spouses are, she claimed we all do things like stalk the mistress, call the mistress, threaten the mistress, obsessively track all of our husband’s moves, we act crazy and generally lack self respect (yes, she says WE traumatized victims of others’ selfish and careless acts lack self respect!).
I wrote a long comment about how I felt about her post. She has since removed the post, so I cannot really even quote it exactly, but I am going to include my comment to her, which she never posted, and which includes some of her words. She also removed all of her other posts relating to her affair with a married man while she was married. Realizing that I was reading HER blog, I tried to temper my comment, but I actually lost control and sent a comment I would not normally send. I guess what I am saying, is I know I am not perfect. Blog posts frustrate me. Some comments on my own blog cause me stress and cause me to ruminate on them when I shouldn’t. In the end, I am trying to understand my situation and be sympathetic to others and I appreciate the support I get from this community. I do not want to hurt people with my words, and I do not want to belittle or disrespect people, but when they are being disrespectful, some days, I feel like I need to call it out. This was one of those days:
(Yes, I copied my comment because I knew she wouldn’t post it and for some reason I thought I might want to blog about it. If you click on the page, it will open in larger text)
I had a completely different post prepared for today, but I decided I just needed to vent a little. From what I can tell, we are all in pain. Cheaters, betrayed spouses, mistresses, those with physical and mental illnesses, we are all suffering in some way and we use our blogs to help make us feel more whole. I understand we all need to vent every once in a while. I try and be respectful to our blogging community. I am going to try and be even more respectful now because I know that even though these are just words of anonymous strangers (in most cases), those words hurt. They cut like a knife and we are all just trying to heal.