We are all in pain

If I ever thought I would run out of things to write for my blog, I was mistaken. Even if there is nothing interesting enough to write about going on in my life, other bloggers daily give me ideas of topics to write about. Every day I am either prompted by another’s blog topic, or a comment on my own blog, or a comment on someone else’s blog.

After receiving some rather opinionated comments on my blog about my emotional condition, and then having two followers publicly announce they would not continue following me because I, at this time, have chosen not to partake in more individual therapy, I decided to address my thoughts about blogging.

Today I took stock in why I decided to start a blog in the first place. I had kept a journal since discovery day. I did not start my journal because I was so inspired by the discovery of my husband’s pathological lying and infidelity that I thought, oh wow, this is something fun to write about. No, I fell into it because I could not sleep. Lying next to my husband on a pillow soaked with tears, there was no way I could shut down the images and the pain. Once he fell asleep, I would get up and go into my office and I would start the Google searches: why do men cheat, why do women cheat with married men, infidelity, betrayed spouse… and the list goes on. After hours of searching and reading and crying and feeling lost and alone, I would start journaling. My thoughts would spill out, pages and pages of painful words prompted by feelings I have never experienced before.

At some point, I stumbled upon some mistress blogs. I’m not sure how I got to the mistress blogs first, not even realizing there were so many betrayed spouse blogs out there for me to connect with. I did not find the betrayed spouse blogs until I actually started blogging, and frankly, a lot of them found me. I was surprised that people were following my blog so quickly, so of course I followed back and then found more betrayed spouse blogs, so many blogs I was astonished.

Those mistress blogs I found at the beginning though, those brought me a lot of pain. I want to say I started reading about six of them at once. They were overwhelming. There was a lot of talk about how stupid and selfish the wives were for not knowing their husbands were cheating, or turning the other cheek so to speak because all they cared about was the security the husband afforded them with status and money. They talked about wives as if none of us ever had sex with our husbands. We were frigid, and lazy, and spoiled. We sacrificed our marital relationship because we were too busy with our lives, our friends, and our kids. They blogged about hours and hours of sex with married men.

During those first days, when I was so raw and vulnerable, I actually took some of this shit seriously. By take it seriously I mean I thought how can anyone think this about me? I am not like that at all. And my guess is, after reading dozens of betrayed spouse blogs, most of us are not at all like those mistresses describe “the wife.” Why do they feel like this about the wives? Well, after a year of immersing myself in this messy business of adultery, I would say it is because the cheaters for the most part are broken and lying, and the mistresses are broken, and rationalizing. Of course I am generalizing as well, but I am not basing my words on just my own personal situation. I am reading blogs every day and we bloggers are asking the same questions. Why would my husband lie to me and about me? Why would a woman want someone else’s man? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why would he sacrifice everything for her?

It took me nine months, but I finally did get up the nerve to start my own blog. Journaling helps me release some of my pent up anxiety, fear and pain. I type or write the words and somehow feel a little bit better. I have also gone back to read my own words and can see I am making progress. I can see myself coming to terms with my new reality and fighting through the pain and agony to the other side. Each day is a battle, a battle I am winning. At first, after discovery day, I thought I was crazy. I thought staying with my husband was crazy. I thought sex addiction sounded crazy. But then, as I learned about betrayal-based PTSD, and I learned that I was not alone in my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I realized I could come back from this. I can climb out of the hole my husband threw me in. I can survive.

About a month ago, I was perusing some of the blogs I follow and I happened upon a blog written by a very unhappy woman. I am not going to speak too much about her or her situation because I do not want to call her out here, she is also in a lot of pain. I merely want to talk about an experience I had reading another blogger’s words, an extremely disturbing experience. I have never followed this blogger. I read her about page and then linked to a page from there. This blogger has suffered tragedy in her life, which broke her. She then cheated with a married man she thought was in love with her. Turns out he wasn’t. She told her husband about her affair, and then they divorced. Her lover did not leave his wife. She wrote a post about how crazy betrayed spouses can be, but she wrote it as if all betrayed spouses act a certain way. I do hold a great deal of contempt towards my husband’s affair partner as she blackmailed my husband and now continues to stalk me, and I often speak unkindly about her, but in no way do I insinuate she represents all other women. I am not proud of it, but I don’t take any of it back. My blog is the only place I can do that and I think most people understand. I do not generalize or assume all other women are like this crazy affair partner of my husband. The blogger is a scorned mistress who knew she was in a relationship with a married man and now she is pissed that he did not leave his wife for her, so she is now mad at the victim, and she is lashing out at all betrayed spouses. I am not mad at the victim. I am mad at a perpetrator. I know I am sounding defensive, because I feel defensive. I am defensive of myself and of all the other betrayed spouses and betrayed spouse bloggers.

In her blog entry about how pathetic betrayed spouses are, she claimed we all do things like stalk the mistress, call the mistress, threaten the mistress, obsessively track all of our husband’s moves, we act crazy and generally lack self respect (yes, she says WE traumatized victims of others’ selfish and careless acts lack self respect!).

I wrote a long comment about how I felt about her post. She has since removed the post, so I cannot really even quote it exactly, but I am going to include my comment to her, which she never posted, and which includes some of her words. She also removed all of her other posts relating to her affair with a married man while she was married. Realizing that I was reading HER blog, I tried to temper my comment, but I actually lost control and sent a comment I would not normally send. I guess what I am saying, is I know I am not perfect. Blog posts frustrate me. Some comments on my own blog cause me stress and cause me to ruminate on them when I shouldn’t. In the end, I am trying to understand my situation and be sympathetic to others and I appreciate the support I get from this community. I do not want to hurt people with my words, and I do not want to belittle or disrespect people, but when they are being disrespectful, some days, I feel like I need to call it out. This was one of those days:

Screen Shot 2014-12-30 at 3.00.22 PMScreen Shot 2014-12-30 at 3.00.34 PM

(Yes, I copied my comment because I knew she wouldn’t post it and for some reason I thought I might want to blog about it. If you click on the page, it will open in larger text)

I had a completely different post prepared for today, but I decided I just needed to vent a little. From what I can tell, we are all in pain. Cheaters, betrayed spouses, mistresses, those with physical and mental illnesses, we are all suffering in some way and we use our blogs to help make us feel more whole. I understand we all need to vent every once in a while. I try and be respectful to our blogging community. I am going to try and be even more respectful now because I know that even though these are just words of anonymous strangers (in most cases), those words hurt. They cut like a knife and we are all just trying to heal.

24 thoughts on “We are all in pain

  1. Wow – I missed all this in my bath of bubbles. I can’t call it a bubble bath, too mundane.
    Kat let your freak flag fly, say what you want, if we betrayed spouses were all the same colour of angry red the world would be boring, if the OW were all the same colour of boring beige the world would be the exact same amount of boring.
    Say what you want, I’m not gonna say fuck the haters because clearly that would be too purile. But if the point of sticking your toe in the water was not to create a few ripples – maybe even a wave or two, well then what’s the point? Me, I’m aiming for a tsunami. 😁.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, this latest tussle (probably mostly in my own mind) is not about another woman necessarily (like this previous post), but was actually more about people who just want to spout off and argue for the sake of arguing. I honestly think from little things in some comments, not direct remarks, that some find me arrogant or lacking humility. I am a master, at this point, at spotting passive aggressiveness. I prefer full on fucking aggressiveness frankly. If they knew me, they would know I am actually incredibly gentle and kind and empathetic, but I do go off on my blog quite a bit (It’s the only place I can). Some people only want to key off on the negative. No, I don’t understand mean girls who steal from others. No, I don’t often even want to understand why my husband deep down blames his parents for his shitty childhood and then decides to act out such that it directly affects me and my life in the most unsavory way, as I if me and my feelings don’t matter. I will continue to keep writing in full on Kat mode, but I also tend to write out my emotions. This post actually helps calm me down and remember who I am and why I do this. Thanks for the support, Owlie… I hope you are still in the bath! 🙂

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      • Actually I am out of the bath and have just done the ‘big pants dance’ in front my husband. My hair is victory rolled – I am ready for battle, or a night out…whatever.
        I don’t really offer up gentility or kindness, quite frankly if you’re screwing around with a married person I hope your genitals fall off with a fine case of syphillis – having said that if you feel there maybe more than one side to the story, come lets talk I’m all ears. You keep writing in Kat mode – key point is, it’s your blog. Don’t like it? Keep moving.

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Reblogged this on try not to cry on my rainbow and commented:

    I am reblogging an old post of mine because I want to remind myself of my own words as frustration sets in, once again. I think May 2015 is going to go down as my second busiest blogging month yet. I am not quite sure why, other than we have been home most of the month and its the one year anniversary of a few heartbreaking occurrences in my life including the horrible card from the other woman and my requiring a hospital visit after a particularly scary self harm incident. It’s been a year since last year’s horrible month of May and a birthday I barely remember, an event I was so numbed out for I wonder if it even happened. I feel like I have made a lot of progress, but I still need my blog and I post on my blog hopefully to help me heal and feel better. I have learned that I still need to be mindful of the blogs I follow and also to not let comments on my own blog affect my mood negatively. Thankfully, I have the most amazing followers and the vast majority of comments are from people who, I feel, get me and appreciate me and my story. It is in this spirt that I reblog this entry from January of this year.

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  3. your final paragraph was so well put. im the despicable “ow” who crushed my partner as well as nearly destroying another family i loved. i read betrayed spouse blogs searching for answers and hoping the family now cut completely from my life is finding peace again. hurt all around, indeed, and lifelong regret for my part in it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment. Life is a journey and we all do the best we can at the moment. Shame (I am speaking about my husband) is best left behind, and regret is a difficult emotion best used as a tool to help us heal and be better to ourselves and others. I hope you are finding peace.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I never even met my ex’s paramour he began a relationship with while still married to me. Never stalked her, never ‘confronted’ her, never spoke to her, never wrote to her…even after my husband left his family and pursued a relationship with her. I never even knew her name until my children finally met her shortly after (maybe it was right before) our divorce was final. Never even knew what she looked like until she messaged me over Facebook…funny the resemblance she had to me…I still never met or spoke to her to this day.
    She messaged me, emailed me, said we should ‘talk’ and be friends for the sake of my children. They’re no longer together…funny how that works. But to me, she will always just be the woman who fucked my married husband. I have no respect for that….

    Liked by 3 people

    • Sorry, Making Sense. You are a new commenter, so I had to approve your comment. Sometimes it takes me a while to get back to my blog after I post in the wee hours of the morning. Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments. I am so sorry for your pain. Yeah, they rarely end up with that woman that was willing to have sex with them when they were married to someone else. It is quite ironic how that turns out. I just had to call that other woman out (even if it never got approved to the actual post) because it made me feel like she was hearing a more real version of the facts from me… not the angry vindictive thoughts that were playing out in her head since she lost her marriage and her lover all in one fell swoop. Her words were very destructive and as I was reading it, I was sincerely hoping no other betrayed spouses had read it, but there were other comments by betrayed spouses, and I know those bloggers, and I could see they were in pain. Selfishly, I am glad she removed the post. My husband’s OW is scary. If she tried to connect with me on FB, I would scream 🙂 . I hope you have found happiness in this mess. I need to go read your blog 🙂 .

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kat, I’m glad you wrote this. With the exception of a few, I feel like many of the betrayed wives blogs that I read focus on managing their pain while most of the mistress blogs I’ve read focus on rationalizing their behavior. Both are valid formats, and likely helpful ways to begin processing a life situation that no one is really prepared to handle — I mean, who ever thinks that they will wind up in a situation like this??

    That said, kindness goes a long way. And from what I’ve seen and experienced, you’ve been nothing but kind. Even the comment you left on the mistress blog is kind — you’re not trying to berate the woman. You just make the point that not all betrayed wives “drove” their husbands in to the arms of a mistress. I don’t believe that you did, and I don’t believe that I did either. I think many betrayed wives have unfortunately chosen partners who are adept at lying, and are likely very trusting by nature. Might there be problems in the marriage? Of course, every relationship has cracks the problem is when husbands/wives start looking to someone outside the relationship to fix them!

    You’ve read my blog, you know that I come with a bias of seeking reconciliation. In that vein, the other woman in my story is a villain. I let her hold much of my anger because I want to stay married to my husband and that means I can’t be in a constant rage against him. Besides, he shows me remorse and regret everyday, shows me he loves me and wants a life with me. She glares at me and flips me off when driving. Everyone’s story is unique, but you are so right. We are all just trying to heal!

    Liked by 4 people

    • I respect your journey, and I feel your pain and anger. I know these betrayed spouse blogs run in a cycle. When I first started my blog (only 3 1/2 months ago, wow, really? it seems like forever) there were blogger mentors there to guide me through those first days of awkwardness and pain. They are still seeking solace and comfort from the blogging community as well. I am quite a bit older than some of you beautiful young bloggers, so even though my journey is not all that much farther along, my life is, and I am a nurturer by nature, and empathic, so sometimes I really feel connected to the blogs, and entries and comments make me cry (yours do). My husband just looks at me with sadness. Sadness that I have to go through such pain that was caused by him, but sometimes the tears really help me cleanse. I used to be on an executive board of a local community center. I was probably your age, with very small children. I was the only woman on the committee and I was often ignored even though they put me there as I represented a large base of their membership. Sometimes I was too shy to speak my voice and I would return home in tears. My husband would hold me and suggest I leave the board (my husband is actually a very loving and kind partner–he was comforting me after and during two of his affair cycles, ugh–everything centers around his affair cycles now–this too shall pass), but I knew it was a learning and maturing experience for me. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and marched into the meetings (eventually) with my head held high and I held my ground in front of a bunch of attorneys and CEOs. I was never so proud of myself. I know I am a strong person and I have a voice and I am going to use it when I see fit. I have been on many boards now and am well respected in our community having coordinated and chaired community events. I realized during my recovery journey (still ongoing) that my husband is not going to break me. No one can break me. If I remain strong, I will be strong enough to make the decisions necessary for my marriage. We are all strong! I believe in you, your husband, and your marriage <3.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I think it is important to come to the realisation that many OW do have some personality disorders that allow them to act the way they do while having an affair (and after, very often.) Of course, there are also those that feel genuine guilt and remorse. However, more often than not, they do not. I understood pretty quickly that in my own case, I was dealing with a woman who ticked almost all of the boxes on the sociopath checklist (yes, I Googled it.) There is no remorse, she missed the empathy chip at birth (narc, cheating dad, chump mum) there is no understanding that we had a few fantastic decades, and we did love each other VERY deeply – and my guy TOLD her that – and we did have wonderful, exciting and passionate sex, most days of the week. Because she was a friend of mine of some 31 years, I thought we could meet, and talk. I thought she might understand. I guess I hoped to get through to her the agony of what they inflicted on my life, what she had made happen for my kids – their reality is parents who loved each other, had been faithful, wonderful partners, and then a father who betrayed their vulnerable, trusting mother in the worst possible way, exposing her to life threatening dieases all because he was too selfish to talk to her – to understand some of my past hurts that contributed to the intensity of my hurt. I quickly realised that this was never going to be the case when she stalked him (not really me, as she would not acknowledge my existence, let alone the three young people we made together, and that she holidayed with and used as free babysitters.) I learned quickly not to read OW blogs, as they all love to justify. It is their right to write about their own pain, I know it is real, but I don’t need to hear it, and it just makes me feel revolting and sad. I have enough of that in my own life without taking on the pain of others who knew full well what they were getting into – or if they didn’t, soon did.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Yes, I got a dose of reality when my husband’s therapist said to me (after the Hawaii plane altercation), these people (mentally ill, he used the actual term borderline personality disorder) are out there among us, they cause us pain, and we need to distance ourselves physically and emotionally from that pain. I looked at him and said “my sister, whom I love dearly, has borderline personality disorder. So yes, I need to have my boundaries, but all people need love, just not necessarily from me (or Blue Eyes).” I guess I thought he was just being too harsh, for my benefit, since he knew I was scared and anxious about the stalker whore. It did bring into perspective, however, that she is mentally ill and obviously has not been diagnosed and has no one that really loves her or is there for her. I think she really in her warped mind thought that person was my husband. So, what did she use during the 98% of the time that my husband wasn’t with her? Alcohol, and she even used it with him around. Again, I look at my husband many times a day and say, WTF, who are you? I guess we can hope that the stalker whore goes away, that is what people say to do, but I don’t think personality disorders get better as you age… so, I am still scared and anxious. I am sorry you had a sociopath in your life 😦 .

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sometimes you just have to ignore those that have not walked in your shoes, for none of us have truly walked in any one else’s shoes but our own. All our stories are different and yet sometimes so similar. I have read things other bloggers have written about me and it hurt, but them I’m pretty fragile as a result of my husband’s choices and hurt pretty easily. People read what they want to, not necessarily the words that are written just like they hear what they want to hear, which is often very far from the truth.

    At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter if you, me, any of us, were awful wives, if we were cold, unloving, never had sex with our husbands… it doesn’t matter. Two people chose, through their own selfishness and for whatever reasons, to do whatever they wanted to knowing full well our lives would be forever changed if ever we found out their dirty little secret.

    Keep writing Kat, do what you have to do to get thru the devastation that was inflicted upon you by the one person in this world that should have had your back and by the person he was doing it with… the person who knew exactly what they were doing. Those people, the ones who show no remorse, don’t deserve your time of day.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you, PW. You are an inspiration. I miss your posts, but am glad you are doing better and don’t feel the need. This is one messed up journey. I can’t believe anyone would write something critical of you. Your blog was one of the blogs that inspired me to jump in to these waters. Peace!

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  8. Never had a desire to meet the paramour my ex took up with…even after he ultimately left the family and pursued a relationship with her…no stalking. No public bashing. Nothing. Didn’t even know her name until she finally met my children shortly after the divorce was final. Only saw a picture of her because she sent me a “we really should be friends for your children’s sake” email over facebook…funny, she kinda resembles me in some ways. She’s not in his life anymore. Funny how that worked out for her…but she was never a part of my life by my choice. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m glad you took a moment to write this. I read your blog mostly because I care about you and Blue Eyes–oh, and you are a fabulous writer. There’s that too.

    But even though this particular topic isn’t a topic close to me (at least as far as I know!) what your blog has taught me is that you never know what’s going on with the people you love (not just spouses, but friends and family.) And people can be going through some really tough stuff that you really have no idea about, and we should always keep that in mind when we make assumptions about other people’s lives. Lots of people are struggling, and they may not all share that with you. So we have to find a way to be there for each other even if we don’t really know what painful things they may be going through.

    And to your point, yes, even if you know what’s going on with people, you can’t make blanket assumptions about their lives or motivations or behavior–because of course you would be wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, true. If it wasn’t for Blue Eyes needing to work through his recovery with a level of anonymity since many do not understand sex addiction, I would shout our names and stories from the rooftops. People need not feel so alone in their suffering. Most people would be astonished by BE’s addiction and our story for the past year… you sure can’t tell on FB, can you? This blog is one way for me to put a “real” face on sex addiction and recovery, and it helps me in the process. I will tell you, with this kind of blog, it is hard not to take the criticism really seriously. I have to build up my armor a little here. Thanks for your kind words, as always. We should come visit you guys soon! Thankfully, we are in a much better place than last time we saw you. 🙂

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  10. Some of the best and most inspiring creations in civilized society are rooted in pain…think of art, music, and writing as a few. For example I madly love Van Gogh and chase every opportunity to see his paintings but I know he was driven to create as a way of getting his emotional pain out. The best and most authentic blogs are those that are clearly attempts at creating something, and channeling emotions in a way that creates something of beauty, and not just a way to express narcissistic rage. You can tell immediately which category any given blog falls into.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Wow… I don’t understand why she never posted the comment. You post a blog for anyone to read (unless you make it private). That simple act allows others to read your posts and comment as they seem fit. Just roll with the comments. I applaud you for your honesty and would welcome any comments from you.. lol

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Hey CK, love your work! Well said. These goddam whores WANT us to be the bad guys – the ones that “wouldn’t have sex” with our husbands, were “no longer affectionate”, etc – so they can justify to THEMSELVES that it was OK to fuck around with him. And when the husband says he ain’t leaving his wife, they go fucking crazy. Boo-fucking-hoo, I say to them. Go cry somewhere else. You knew what you were getting yourself into. Now suffer. Crazy bitches. SWxo

    Liked by 5 people

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