Can anyone relate?

I am in need of some moral support. My health is failing. I am 51 years old. I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Monday.

I have been overweight to some degree or another, most of my life since adolescence. I started my first diet at 14 years old. I had an emergency appendectomy at 14 and the surgeon told my parents I needed to lose 20 pounds. My Mom has never really had a weight problem, and she worked diligently to try and get me to “normal” weight. She and my Father have always prepared and presented us with healthy, well-balanced meals. I take after my Dad. I watched kids around me eat and eat and stay thin, their natural youthful metabolisms blissfully burning all the calories away, but not me. I played on the golf team in high school. Actually, I’m pretty surprised our high school even had a golf team. Golf is a pretty white collar sport for such a blue color neighborhood. But we did, and I played, borrowing my Dad’s clubs. By the time I was in high school, my Dad was already getting too big to play golf regularly anyway. Since I can remember, my Dad has been 80-100 pounds overweight. His clubs were heavy for a 14 year old, but I managed and went from last spot on the team to first in one year. After every match, we would all go to the clubhouse for snacks. The other girls would eat piles of french fries, burgers, hot dogs, candy bars, and I drank water and waited until I was home to eat the healthy dinner my mother had prepared.

Once out of high school, I went to work at a full-time desk job… and I often worked overtime. I did not like to exercise and I never made it a priority. By the time I left my job to head to University, I was 35 pounds overweight. I arrived to my Dad’s house with three months time before classes started. My Dad and Step Mom had planned to join a diet center near their home and I went with them. Dad also purchased us all gym memberships. With the help of my step mom (who made almost all the meals), I diligently followed the diet and about a month in, I started going to the gym. I swam and did some circuit training. In two and half months I lost 38 pounds. I started University at a normal weight. Unfortunately, without limiting my calories to less than 1000 and exercising an hour a day, the weight started to go up. I was 20 years old. I kept my weight managed for two years, then the weight started creeping back on again. I lost weight again before we got married, mostly due to stress. I still would have considered myself about 10 pounds overweight, but it was very manageable in my size 10 wedding dress, which actually had to be taken in right before the wedding. If I lived with my mother-in-law, I would probably resort to anorexia. The woman is so incredibly judgmental (and thin).

In the first two years of our marriage, I had put on another 30 pounds. By the time I got pregnant with our first son I was so concerned about my weight that I managed to keep my total weight gain during my pregnancy to 18 pounds. Unfortunately, I only lost about half that weight before I got pregnant with son number two. By this point I was really worried being nearly 50 pounds overweight. I gained 16 pounds with our big nine pound baby boy, but left the hospital weighing less than when I became pregnant. Unfortunately I have remained pretty much 40-50 pounds overweight for the past 20 years. Until I hit 40, there were no side effects to my excessive weight (fat). My blood work was all normal, I did not have aches and pains. I could pretty much do anything I wanted at that weight. Then, at 40 there were a number of stressful events in my life and those, coupled with age, and weight, and my body started rebelling. In the past 10 years, I have changed my diet, exercised, dealt with injuries and allergies, and then fallen back into old bad habits.

I now have high blood pressure and diabetes, both of which were managed prior to discovery day. All hell broke loose a little over a year ago. The first couple weeks after dday, I could barely eat or sleep. I lost 10 pounds, but then as my new reality started to sink in, so did the stress, depression, lethargy, illness, and weight gain. I have medicated with comfort foods. I have been too tired or depressed to work or exercise.

Now that my husband is back to work and I am traveling with him, things have gone from bad to worse. On the plane home from Atlanta last night, I had a small panic attack with anxiety, chest pain, and irregular heart beat. The traveling really takes a toll. I have trips to Salt Lake City, Amsterdam, Paris, Stockholm, New York City, and Miami all scheduled in the next six weeks. Today my blood glucose levels and blood pressure readings are off the charts. I called the doctor’s office. I have an appointment on Monday.

I know I need to fix this dire situation. I continue to work on my breathing and managing the anxiety. I am going to incorporate meditation into my regimen three times per day. I do not want to have to take more medication. I am putting myself on a strict eating plan that will be mostly plant based, and diabetic friendly. I use a website to track everything I eat, I track my water intake, my exercise, and my weight. This has worked in the past. It will work again. My goal is to lose 30 pounds this year, and to build up to walking 4-5 miles per day, five days a week, by the end of the year.

I am going to periodically post my progress here on my blog. Hopefully some of you will be kind enough to give me some much needed support. At this point, I don’t really want to enlist the help of friends or family as most do not know what I am really going through. I am also going to de-bunk this myth that my husband likes fat girls. All of his acting out partners were heavier, some much heavier than me. It’s time for him to have a healthy weight wife again and it is time for me to take my life back.

Current Stats:

Even though this blog is mostly anonymous, I NEVER put my weight down in writing… here goes (it is what it is, right?)

Age: 51, Height: 5’5″, Weight: 195 lbs., Goal Weight 2015: 165 lbs., Final Goal Weight: 145 lbs. (I am cutting myself some slack here and not trying to get down to my college weight, which was considerably less… I’m not 20 anymore, after all)

Today’s Fasting Blood Glucose: 226, Todays BP Reading: 165/85

Miles walked today: .5

40 thoughts on “Can anyone relate?

  1. Pingback: Strength, swimming and my mother, and rediscovery – Insist on Honesty

  2. I too have always struggled with food and body image. Today, I am trying to figure out my natural weight and be comfortable with that. I eat as healthy as I can as I try to rewire my brain from the ways I use to eat, for how I found comfort before. I definitely regulated my painful emotions with food. Now I am trying to observe them and ask myself if I am hungry or just tired and bored etc. It is really interesting to get to know myself more. I exercise to the best of my ability most days. I have tried to come off some of my medications that have weight gain as a side effect but am not able to. So the weight I am at is my natural weight for now. I am trying to love the curves and my belly.

    I am impressed by your commitment to lose this weight and I understand there are medical reasons for you to do this. I am so happy you are so invested in your health and happiness. I keep getting told by my doctor to lose 20 pounds. I don’t see how I can change anything I do right now. Maybe your story and blog will help me find the impetus to lose this weight before I start having medical problems. I have enough of them already and don’t need any more.
    Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story. I will be cheering you on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the support! Those medications can really mess with the weight loss. For me, this is definitely a health issue and one I am taking very seriously. I am still trying to figure out how often to post about my health journey. Last night I went to bed hungry and then kept asking myself, is this good, or not? Regulating food is more difficult than it sounds. My blood glucose numbers were slightly better this morning, so I guess this will be trial and error for a while. Good luck to you too on figuring out healthy eating and natural weight. I figure I will know it when I get there. 🙂

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  3. Don’t start me on yoga. It is the one thing that I can safely say has been the greatest aid not only in my breast cancer recovery but also from rising out of the ashes of H’s disgusting multiple adultery.
    I can rant for hours of the benefits but not All yoga is the same. Some yoga can be meditative and relaxing, some can be powerful and hard work but the best yoga for me at my age is the bikram style. From this yoga I have all my joints strengthened, my muscles toned, my brain rested, my mind stilled, my fears alleviated, challenges in the outside world fade in comparison the the challenge of staying in a hot room for 90 min trying to breathe and not panic or get anxious or run out from fear. In the aftermath a feeling of achievement is soon followed by the most amazing feelings of wellness and happiness. I have seen and heard so many success stories of the beneficial changes this has made to lives and all it takes is to just leave your comfort zone and your ego at the door.
    After DDay my H started to come to yoga with me. At first I was a bit annoyed as it was my little world but now I can see how much he loves it and how it has made him quite a humble person in the hot room. He no longer suffers from aching knees and shoulders from years of running and gym. He also has a new hip which possibly could have been avoided if he had looked after his joints earlier.
    Anyway I hope you give yoga a try and let it work its magic on you! Xxx

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  4. Sure can relate Kat! I have been where you are and I am eight years older! So glad that your weight is not tied to your self esteem and you are doing this for your health. You are doing the most kindest thing to yourself.
    I too have spent my life with my weight fluctuating, dieting, eating fat free eating no oil and I seriously believe it caused mid life weight gain when I became menopausal. Nothing would shift the barrel I had around my waist and it seemed to be growing.
    I went to a talk given by the wellness place ( where I now work) and they encouraged us to do a 12 week life transformation. This was based on diet, chiropractic adjustments and daily exercise. I took it on. The chiro part was easy. The food was not a diet but just a different menu. It was eating whole foods ( see the website whole30) the exercise was the hard part because it was something I just could not get into. I started doing bikram yoga and mixed it with some personal training at the gym and somehow managed to do exercise 5 days a week on average. The weight fell off. My waist returned. I felt about 30 yrs old. At the very end of the program I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thank you HRT. Going into this battle in this condition was a lifesaver. I suffered very few ill effects from the operation and the treatments and I just kept doing yoga. I had to give up the gym because I started to get soreness in my joints. The chiro suggested only doing bikram yoga because it restores the body rather than injures it. 6 months after the initial diagnosis the oncologists and surgeons were amazed at my recovery even tho they had advised against doing any exercise. So now I read they are trying to clinically trial exercise in recovery! Anyway the following year 2014, I took part in another 6 week challenge where I led a group of women through the same scenario which ended in a fire walk. Mind control! I have kept the weight off. I feel 25 years old. I suffer from a serious lower back disc degeneration but yoga enables me to function like there is nothing wrong. I have read from various sources that eating well and especially as prescribed on the whole 30 program it can alleviate diabetes and high blood pressure to such an extent that it becomes non existent.
    Next month we are starting a 30 day challenge of daily exercise combined with an eating plan of whole food but with an addition of the five two eating plan where you eat normal for five days then for two days you eat only 500 cal a day.
    I love where I work. I see so many sad unhappy people in pain both physically and mentally who come in to make a change to their lives. Not all stick it out but to see the results from thiose that do it is heartwarming. It makes my day. We run the Chiro, the yoga and massage as well as the nutrition programs and it is such a positive and energetic place and I am constantly motivated to live well. Mind you I still love my wine and I will eat blue cheese and bread and naughty sugar but I no longer crave these foods as my comfort eating. I will eat a date ball and a have a bulletcoffee instead!
    How much travelling are you going to be doing in the next few weeks.? Wow!!!!!!! Xxx

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    • So, I just spent the past hour reading about the Whole30. It sounds interesting and extremely restrictive, but it also sounds like it is worth 30 days of my life to give it a try. It is so difficult to start these types of eating programs when traveling. Monitoring what is put into food, especially sugars, is nearly impossible and packing food for trips is also impossible. I leave on 2/27 for SLC, then we head to Amsterdam, Paris, Stockholm, and NYC 3/7-3/19. We are also in Miami 3/30-4/5. In the meantime, I will begin to eliminate some of the restricted items. I have eliminated sugar as much as possible, as well as dairy. I have started to do so because my allergies have really been flaring along with everything else being out of whack.

      Your place of work sounds amazing. How wonderful that you found it before your diagnosis. I have actually thought about checking myself in some place for 30 days just so I can get things back on track. As it turns out, I do not have 30 days available until mid April!

      Thanks for all your support. Please send any other suggestions you think of and I will post when I am able to do the Whole30! 🙂

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      • That is some serious travelling!
        It is very hard to eat well when you travel but it is getting easier. Paleo cafes and whole food places are popping up everywhere. It can be quite a restrictive diet but keeping clear of processed foods or anything with more than five listed ingredients makes it easier. Just think fresh and keep,away from gluten and dairy. Bacon and eggs, coconut water, salmon or chicken and heaps of salads and veggies and plenty of it .
        It is a good idea to find a place to help. Last year I did three weeks in an organic holistic retreat. Food was amazing and so plentiful and I was always full and I came back and lost weight and hated H less. It was whole30 style. It was also rehab for the brain to rethink how you think which was my main purpose of going there. Maybe you could drop in? http://fountainhead.com.au If you are ever down this way✈️🚣🚁⛵️.

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  5. Love this post!! Well done to you – for putting it out there, and taking your control back. FAT is the last taboo, you absolutely cannot say to to someone you’re FAT, even if they are obese!! And I say this as someone who is carrying 40 extra lbs. I am obese. But when I try and talk about my weight, especially with my husband he says ‘you look amazing’ …..errrr I dont, I look like I’m killing myself one donut at a time (I actually don’t like donuts 😁)
    Anyone who has carried extra weight knows how hard it is to commit to being healthy, the effort it takes – when you have emotional turmoil, or a busy schedule, or parental stress or child stress, or even if you just cannot focus every single meal on making the right choice – well you’re pushing a cart up a hill.
    You’ve really pushed my own health concerns, even if they are future ones, into my conscience. Well done lady 👏👏👏 you can do this, and god damn I’m gonna give it a good go right alongside you!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, lady! Funny thing, I don’t like donuts either because my first job at 14 was at a donut shop. I can still smell that oil! My husband also says he finds me beautiful, sexy, whatever, but now it is my health that is of concern, not my ego. It is so difficult. Thank you so much for the support, I am going to need it! We can take our health back. I guess I thought by the time the fat caught up with me, I would have mastered it. Did not happen. Denial gives way to reality. Let’s do this!!! 🙂

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      • This is all very true!! I do think that, I’m 37 and I think – I’ll control it by the time I’m 40….I won’t, not if I don’t put a concerted effort, and the thing is we (women especially) always put so much effort into all other areas of our lives, but don’t pay the same attention to our health, which is a kind of madness.
        Sometimes as well I don’t feel badly about myself, I feel baddabing, bamchickawowa, woowee! And then for the other 99.9999% of the time I’m very aware of every role, of every curve in the wrong place, of my double chin, etc etc. but those times when I feel good – I like the fact that it flies in the face of what society expects.
        But the simple truth is carrying the extra weight of a small child/pony 😧 is not good. Let’s do it!

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  6. I can absolutely relate to the way your thought process was as a child..everyone could eat ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING and always be thin. I felt surrounded by a sea of attractive skinny assholes lol. But I am grateful I was different it led me to develop a wonderful personality and I can see through all your pain you are still positive and that’s amazing. Keep doing what you’re doing! Meditation is key also try begging yoga! It is amazing how it calms the mind and tones the body:) and I love that you don’t want to be 95 pounds your goal is realistic and inspiring! Keep it up I’m always here for support check out my blog on anxiety and depression maybe it will help:)
    Love and light

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  7. I am your age. 5’7 and currently 185. My ideal at this age is 160. I had no weight problems until after college (when I was around 150), when I moved in with the guy who is now my long-time ex husband. We loved to eat. I think I peaked at about 210. I have lost about 40 pounds 3 times in my adult life by counting cals (1500-1800, IMO 1000 is much too low) and walking an average of 6 days a week, 4mph for an hour. It works, but is not easy. I have managed moderate high blood pressure but even when I’ve weighed less it has been moderately high. No sugar problems. I think BP and sugar problems are highly hereditary.

    I have to honestly say I am ambivalent about the extra weight. My self esteem never really improved when I weighed less, though I was proud of myself for doing it and enjoyed the clothing I could wear. But it never changed what was “inside”. At this age I really wonder why bother losing unless it truly is a health risk not to. I can also easily find great clothes that fit and that are age-appropriate and well made. I have a huge wardrobe!

    As point of reference, my friend’s wife is extremely fit and thin for her age to what seems like a point of obsession. From the beginning he would make random negative comments about women we would see who in his words were “scarecrows”, negative comments about restrictive eating, and he really enjoys eating with me. I look at women like his wife (she also botoxes) and can only think about how hard it is to maintain that, and in a way sad to me that even in middle age appearance is obviously so important. He is probably overweight to the same degree as I am.

    In the end I think it comes down to health and then core self-esteem. In my experience it is pretty easy to lose once you commit but if your metabolism is typical it is pretty hard to keep it off long term.

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    • Hey B. The “funny” thing is my self esteem was never tied to my weight. Other than this past year with the trauma, I have not had self esteem issues. Usually I lost weight because I wanted to wear certain clothes or feel better physically. Even when I was moderately thin (and young), I had borderline high blood pressure and high triglycerides. My genetics are working against me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the power to get the weight off and keep it off. I may not have low self esteem, but I AM lazy. No doubt about it. I really don’t have the luxury anymore. You are correct about the metabolism, it will always be a battle. It is just one of those battles I need to win. I hate being in pain and anxious. I honestly wish I was a fat and happy kind of person, but I am fat and anxious… that is not a good combo. I know a lot of people like your friend’s wife. Thin people don’t seem any happier to me, always trying to keep up the image. I just want to be healthy and feel good. It’s a good motivator if I can keep my mind in the right place. Also, it is amazing how little actual weight on the scale means. When I was in college and out eating breakfast with a guy after having spent the night with him, he grabbed my wallet and looked through everything inside, including my driver’s license. The weight on my license said 138. I have always been honest and that was my weight on the day I got the license. He laughed and said, wow, 138, you must have been quite a fatty. At the time he said that, I weighed about 132. Just six months before I had weighed about 165. He actually had no idea how much women weigh. All I could think was, well that’s it for you, asshole. In that respect, Blue Eyes was a huge breath of fresh air. Weighing myself is merely a way to keep track of progress. The weight actually doesn’t mean that much to me. I may get to 160 and feel good, but what matters most is health at this point. I knew this day would come…

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      • I’m 5’11” and AFTER losing-weight-from-grief, am 245 lbs. I’m a size 16 tall pants and an XL shirt if it’s long enough to cover my height. The “longs” just barely cover my waist like a crop top. I’m HOPING to get under 200 this year, lady. The picture I posted earlier this week? I weighed 160lbs. That was when I thought, at 18, that I was fat…. because I’d weighed 125lbs. a few months earlier. I’ve not been in a lower pant-size than 10 since I was 11 years old. Hips. Ass. Large, German-peasant build. W looks back on my photos from then and says I’m not physically attractive to him. He loves a “wholesome” look – my lowest weight, when I met him, was 185. Pant size 12… but that overhanging “belly apron” is what fucks my self-esteem. For ME, to ME. W loves it; that overhang held his children and is only evidence that I had 3 sections.

        That overhang plagues me. I need to get rid of it. That’s MY struggle, not his. He just wants me to love my body as much as he does and so, not cut down his EXCELLENT opinion of my body in the process. It’s hard, yes… that’s why *I* need to get over it.

        They love us; we just need to find a place where we agree with it too.

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        • I have read your posts beautiful lady and I do think you are way too hard on yourself. But then again, we all are. You definitely do need to figure out a way to love yourself the way you are, and then any change you want to happen, will happen. I let myself off the hook last year, but I am much older than you and my weight for my frame and my genetics are working against me. My health is suffering from the stress and the weight is not helping. Plus, I think the exercise I don’t like, will ultimately be that thing that gets me out of my funk. I decided to be accountable here on the blog and give myself that one extra shot at being truly successful. Your husband does love you. Mine loves me too. I need to love myself enough to know what is good for me. Thank you so much for being there for me. I am there for you too. I hope you are healing from your most recent loss. ❤

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          • ❤ It's ongoing. I'm broken, literally. Losing pregnancies is nothing new… having W mourn a loss IS. Having him give a shit is new. That he recognizes that WE lost another child is new. It makes it easier, and is so difficult, all at once. But enough about me…

            This is going to be GREAT!

            W bought me an expensive swimsuit yesterday. I joined the Y but have been too bummed to find all my suits – counting that lost-mindedness as another strike against myself – so he bought me an expensive, flattering suit… one I can wear to swim laps and to stand around with the children in the kiddle-activity center without feeling shame – and I feel all right. But it will take ME to propel myself from feeling okay – something I'm good at – to feeling great about myself. The weight falls off if I swim, like it was yesterday. I just – WE (you and I) just need to get to feeling that we're WORTH it.

            ❤ Thank you, Friend!

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    • Thanks for the support, SW. Reading these comments is really giving me the boost I need. I seem to be in a funk. It’s winter here in the states. I think a lot of us struggle in the darker months. I am hopeful I will be posting positive results soon.

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  8. I think you are very brave posting your stats! I have hypertension as well but am not overweight. I am not able to exercise due my autoimmune illnesses. I did gain weight of 15lbs after two of my medications which contributed greatly to lowering my self-esteem. Having to go out and buy bigger clothes was depressing in only 10 days time. That was how fast I gained the weight. I was now 35 lbs heavier than when I got married. I was really stressed out then. I can only eat healthy now as I am allergic and react to all kinds of food. Life sure is a struggle for everyone and I see that after reading your post. I can be your cheerleader to keep your thoughts positive! You can do this!

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    • Thank you for being a cheerleader. I need some of those in my life. This blogging community has generally been extremely supportive. I am so sorry to hear about your illnesses. Hopefully you have things managed now and feel healthy, other than the obvious trauma and stress. I think most of my issues at this point are stress and anxiety related, but I believe getting physically as healthy as I can will help relieve some of my anxiety. I know for me exercise will be good for the endorphins. Thanks so much for the support!

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  9. Oh how I wish I couldn’t relate! I started my blog last summer to document my progress, making it to 150 lbs. by the time I turn 50 (in July). I started at 217 lbs, the heaviest I’ve ever been, and seem to be hovering just under 200. But I haven’t weighed myself, nor blogged in quite some time. Sugar has made its way back into my diet, and so have the carbs. Something about the cold and the snow makes me want to hunker down with some warm stew and a good movie. I was mentally so strong I was sure I would never have (or desire) a diet soda or a slice of pizza again! It’s the sugar. Once sugar is out of the system, the cravings go and the mind is strong. Though I seem to have stalled, I’m confident I’ll get back on track. I may not make it to my goal in time, but I’ll get there eventually. You mentioned meditation. I can’t say enough about Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s 21 day meditation series. Here is a link in case you’re interested: https://chopracentermeditation.com I have purchased a few of them and my favorite so far is “Finding your Flow.” These guided meditations are about 20 minutes each. Also, have you tried yoga? Might be an opportunity to really nurture your body with stretching and meditation. After I do it, I feel so good, and sleep well, too!

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    • Thank you, Amanda. Do you still have your blog? Sugar and all things refined would be a big part of my problem as well. I think the single worst thing I have done to my metabolism over the years though is feast and famine. Not eating breakfast, running around like a crazy person, then binging on meals that were too large, especially dinner. Overall, I just eat too many calories in a couple meals a day. When I stick to about 1400 calories a day broken out over 3 meals and 2-3 snacks it helps, a lot.

      I will definitely check out the meditation link. I have done yoga exactly two times, but not actually in our home town. I have thought about joining a class, Zumba too, but motivation has been an issue. Also, we travel so much it is difficult to stay consistent (especially with what has happened over the past year). I have a little box of cards with yoga poses that I carry around with me but have yet to actually do them. Also, there are yoga tutorials on youtube. That is probably a good place for me to start, especially with so much travel in the near future.

      Thank you for your support and your recommendations. Winter is a difficult time to get things going again, but maybe that makes it all the more rewarding in the long run. Even if you could just lose 20 of the 50 by July, you will feel like a winner! We can encourage each other. ❤

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      • What about pilates? There are 10 or so poses – and it’s based, like yoga, on exhalations during holding poses, rather than counts – so it lasted in my mind much longer. Sometimes I’ll stretch out, by accident, and remember the whole sequence. I feel like a different woman when I’m done… but again, I don’t think enough of myself to keep it up.

        W will have to, I think, remind me. He is, by doing MY yoga *himself.* The man hates yoga – well, he did. I need to catch up.

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  10. Yes. I have been moderately overweight much of my post children adult life. I also eat well hate exercise (but do it because I must) tripping up every few years – have found fitting in exercise hard this past year with a fulltime job and fulltime at uni combined with parenting and doing our business accounts. I lost 18kgs after Dday and kept it off easily for over two years. I got down to 55kgs. I got back up to around 73 kgs. Back on the wagon. Exercising regularly and intensely, eating well and cutting out all alcohol and sugar. Lost some these past couple of weeks. I, too don’t want to be tiny, I am 47 an inch shorter than you and I have a classic hourglass figure, boobs are heavy old things! Realistically getting below 65 kgs is healthiest for me. Check in regularly, Kat. Let’s share this task x. You will beat this!

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    • I always appreciate your support and encouragement, Paula. I wish I had your hourglass shape. Can’t blame the boobs over here 🙂 . They are the same size and shape as when I was 20… the only part of my body that doesn’t grow bigger. I’m not complaining, but don’t ask my sex addict husband. He definitely goes for hourglass when he is “in his addiction.” The bigger the better, especially the breasts, but “we” are leaving all that behind. My weight has always been my issue. He has never complained about it and has always loved on my body. At this point it is really about my health. The diabetes has taken a toll on my Dad and he has neuropathy so bad he cannot feel his feet nor his legs up to his knees. He is constantly falling and breaking bones. He is in a dire state with heart disease and kidney failure. He is 72. I need to tackle my issues now. I was actually doing a really great job of managing everything and then dday. No more excuses for me… this is my body and the only one I am ever going to get, regardless of what my husband is, says or does. Thank you so much for being there for me. What do you do for exercise with your busy schedule?

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      • I live a long way from any gyms, so I fit in a schedule of walking/running at least five times per week. I also have some hand weights, as my arms are not great (large, I used to ride track work – racehorses, and was a very strong rider, and the large muscles I developed then on my fairly short arms have turned soft!) I do bench dips and there are some great local walks. Just did a three hour one this long weekend, all stairs and uphill, that was a great cardio day for me! I had to push myself to finish as there is an option that most unfit people take to turn around at the viewing platform halfway. It gets even steeper from then on. I was surprised that I didn’t even have any muscle soreness the next day, as when I do that walk normally I do, the thighs and glutes were burning , and the jelly legs came in on the steeper descent – I took a steeper track down. I have been going hard on my treadmill for a couple of weeks. My thoughts are split. Before his affair, it was about health, and setting a good example for my kids. Now my self esteem has caused deep psychological issues about my shape. SHE (OW) was a good track athlete when we were at school together, a tennis playing, gym-going health-conscious person who doesn’t adore gourmet food like I do, food is fuel only for her, whereas I love to cook, grow food and create gourmand deliciousness – albeit mostly healthy options of good quality lean proteins, fruits and vegetables, with the very occasional treat. She is tall and lithe – but no shape to speak of, small boobs, no waist, and slim hips – so of course I have compared my curves unfavourably, although he has always said he prefers them greatly to her shape, and realistically, so do I!!! Just taking the active option every time (no lifts nor escalators used here, walk if I can, rather than use the car, that kind of mindfulness.) We can do this, as you say, we only get one body, and we need to treat it with love and respect, our bodies have done incredible things – look at our children, etc! I used to love my stretchmarks, my mummy tummy, my slightly sagging, older, ample breasts, they had nourished my children for almost five years of my life, what super appendages!

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        • I agree, our bodies have done really incredible things. Embrace those curves! I lament to my husband all the time that I would gladly keep the fat if I could move it off my arms and inner thighs and belly to my ass, hips and breasts. My stretch marks on my belly are insane. My belly was stretched way beyond normal with my big boy. I also have short arms. Muscle underneath, fat on top. A weird new kind of fat that I had not seen before a couple years ago, flabby. I have it on my inner thighs too. We live in a city that has every kind of workout facility known to man, I think. No excuses there, but I need this plan to be sustainable long term. So, I will start with walking, which I can do anywhere. I’ll probably add a trainer as I get more into a rhythm, mainly because I end up suffering so many body aches, pinched nerves, bone spurs, etc… if I don’t. Interestingly enough, about 10 years ago when I started this quest to be healthy, I played tennis 3x a week and had a personal trainer 3x a week. The trainer put me on a diet, which I followed. Over three months, and I was pretty darn good, I lost 3 pounds. I weigh exactly the same today as I did when I stopped going to him due to finances, but the fat has turned flabby. Getting old sucks. My body loves to put on muscle, but it also loves to hold onto fat. The thing that worked best for me, was monitoring my calorie intake and spreading my meals out throughout the day, eating every 3 hours or so. It is so different from how I have lived my life. I know I need to get up and move more for the blood flow. I cannot seem to find a consistent workout buddy, so for now, it is just me and my hip hop music. 🙂

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