I am in need of some moral support. My health is failing. I am 51 years old. I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Monday.
I have been overweight to some degree or another, most of my life since adolescence. I started my first diet at 14 years old. I had an emergency appendectomy at 14 and the surgeon told my parents I needed to lose 20 pounds. My Mom has never really had a weight problem, and she worked diligently to try and get me to “normal” weight. She and my Father have always prepared and presented us with healthy, well-balanced meals. I take after my Dad. I watched kids around me eat and eat and stay thin, their natural youthful metabolisms blissfully burning all the calories away, but not me. I played on the golf team in high school. Actually, I’m pretty surprised our high school even had a golf team. Golf is a pretty white collar sport for such a blue color neighborhood. But we did, and I played, borrowing my Dad’s clubs. By the time I was in high school, my Dad was already getting too big to play golf regularly anyway. Since I can remember, my Dad has been 80-100 pounds overweight. His clubs were heavy for a 14 year old, but I managed and went from last spot on the team to first in one year. After every match, we would all go to the clubhouse for snacks. The other girls would eat piles of french fries, burgers, hot dogs, candy bars, and I drank water and waited until I was home to eat the healthy dinner my mother had prepared.
Once out of high school, I went to work at a full-time desk job… and I often worked overtime. I did not like to exercise and I never made it a priority. By the time I left my job to head to University, I was 35 pounds overweight. I arrived to my Dad’s house with three months time before classes started. My Dad and Step Mom had planned to join a diet center near their home and I went with them. Dad also purchased us all gym memberships. With the help of my step mom (who made almost all the meals), I diligently followed the diet and about a month in, I started going to the gym. I swam and did some circuit training. In two and half months I lost 38 pounds. I started University at a normal weight. Unfortunately, without limiting my calories to less than 1000 and exercising an hour a day, the weight started to go up. I was 20 years old. I kept my weight managed for two years, then the weight started creeping back on again. I lost weight again before we got married, mostly due to stress. I still would have considered myself about 10 pounds overweight, but it was very manageable in my size 10 wedding dress, which actually had to be taken in right before the wedding. If I lived with my mother-in-law, I would probably resort to anorexia. The woman is so incredibly judgmental (and thin).
In the first two years of our marriage, I had put on another 30 pounds. By the time I got pregnant with our first son I was so concerned about my weight that I managed to keep my total weight gain during my pregnancy to 18 pounds. Unfortunately, I only lost about half that weight before I got pregnant with son number two. By this point I was really worried being nearly 50 pounds overweight. I gained 16 pounds with our big nine pound baby boy, but left the hospital weighing less than when I became pregnant. Unfortunately I have remained pretty much 40-50 pounds overweight for the past 20 years. Until I hit 40, there were no side effects to my excessive weight (fat). My blood work was all normal, I did not have aches and pains. I could pretty much do anything I wanted at that weight. Then, at 40 there were a number of stressful events in my life and those, coupled with age, and weight, and my body started rebelling. In the past 10 years, I have changed my diet, exercised, dealt with injuries and allergies, and then fallen back into old bad habits.
I now have high blood pressure and diabetes, both of which were managed prior to discovery day. All hell broke loose a little over a year ago. The first couple weeks after dday, I could barely eat or sleep. I lost 10 pounds, but then as my new reality started to sink in, so did the stress, depression, lethargy, illness, and weight gain. I have medicated with comfort foods. I have been too tired or depressed to work or exercise.
Now that my husband is back to work and I am traveling with him, things have gone from bad to worse. On the plane home from Atlanta last night, I had a small panic attack with anxiety, chest pain, and irregular heart beat. The traveling really takes a toll. I have trips to Salt Lake City, Amsterdam, Paris, Stockholm, New York City, and Miami all scheduled in the next six weeks. Today my blood glucose levels and blood pressure readings are off the charts. I called the doctor’s office. I have an appointment on Monday.
I know I need to fix this dire situation. I continue to work on my breathing and managing the anxiety. I am going to incorporate meditation into my regimen three times per day. I do not want to have to take more medication. I am putting myself on a strict eating plan that will be mostly plant based, and diabetic friendly. I use a website to track everything I eat, I track my water intake, my exercise, and my weight. This has worked in the past. It will work again. My goal is to lose 30 pounds this year, and to build up to walking 4-5 miles per day, five days a week, by the end of the year.
I am going to periodically post my progress here on my blog. Hopefully some of you will be kind enough to give me some much needed support. At this point, I don’t really want to enlist the help of friends or family as most do not know what I am really going through. I am also going to de-bunk this myth that my husband likes fat girls. All of his acting out partners were heavier, some much heavier than me. It’s time for him to have a healthy weight wife again and it is time for me to take my life back.
Even though this blog is mostly anonymous, I NEVER put my weight down in writing… here goes (it is what it is, right?)
Age: 51, Height: 5’5″, Weight: 195 lbs., Goal Weight 2015: 165 lbs., Final Goal Weight: 145 lbs. (I am cutting myself some slack here and not trying to get down to my college weight, which was considerably less… I’m not 20 anymore, after all)
Today’s Fasting Blood Glucose: 226, Todays BP Reading: 165/85
Miles walked today: .5