“All sorrows can be borne if you put them in a story or tell a story about them.” Isak Dinesen
About six hours ago, we crossed over 15 months since I found out my husband had a decades long secret sex life. The phone call that informed me of his most recent “intermittent” eight year affair is seared into my memory, my brain will never let it go… her name, the countries she listed off that they had traveled to together, the fact that she called me by name and that she said my son’s name, as if she had the right. I will never forget her voice. From that afternoon 15 months ago, my life, and my reality, were changed forever. Every time the 11th of the month rolls around, I automatically think about that day and I think, oh, it has now been 15 months. I wonder what will happen when two years has come and gone… ? Will I then just say, it was about two years ago that my world fell apart and I realized the person I trusted most betrayed me and lied to and about me and disregarded every promise he made to me. Will two years roll into three, or will I feel the need to keep track of every month, forever? Will I still be dealing with the trauma when I am in month 46? 60? 120? Some days I feel like I am getting to the point where I will be able to get through an entire day without thinking about the betrayal and destruction, but then I run smack into a really shitty day (like today) and fear overwhelms me. The voice in my head screams at me that I will never be able to trust the person who lied convincingly to me for our entire relationship. Then my head aches and I cannot sleep and a destructive pattern takes hold. Those patterns used to last for days. Thankfully, now I can usually count on hours, but the lingering questions remain. Will he recover, and even if he does, will I ever feel completely safe with him again? I spent months trying to make sense of my new life post dday. I spent hours going through emails between me and my husband looking for any sign that he had led a secret life. I scoured emails sent from me while he was away that went unanswered. How could he read my emails and not feel compelled to at least contact me to let me know he was okay, that he was safe. Often I would send him loving emails about how much I missed him and fill him in on the boys’ activities and he never replied. He never called. Sometimes I would be copied on a work email while he was away, so I knew he had time to at least get a note off to me, but nothing. How could he go night after night without a word? Because he was off with someone else, that’s how. I would scour the calendars looking for the dates of their trips together. I would look at his face in pictures we had taken together over the years. Looking back I could see there were times he didn’t smile or looked sullen. I figured he was concerned she would see the photo and realize he was actually happy and she would bring his secret world crashing down around him. He cared more about his secret life than he did about his wife and children, about the safe, happy, loving world he had created with us. He chose his addiction, his illness, his sick secret life over us and that knowledge has changed my story forever. I think this blog is one of the things that helps keep me sane. Being able to tell my story and connect with other people who for the most part want to help me, want to be there for me even if only through this crazy invention called the internet. There are so many destructive things about the world wide web, but this blog has really helped me feel whole again. We’re all human, we all desire to be heard and understood. A couple days ago a blogger friend sent me the link to a New York Times article. As soon as I opened the link, I knew I had seen it before. The article is from October, 2013 and my husband’s sponsor had shared it last year with the group and my husband subsequently shared it with me. For all I know, the article already made it’s way through the blogosphere, but I still think the message of the article is worth revisiting: Great Betrayals The above NY Times piece is a validation of the torment a betrayed spouse feels when they realize part of their life story has been a lie and that somehow it all seems so much easier for the cheating spouse to heal. Anna Fels, a psychiatrist and author of the article states, “…I began to recall patients I had seen whose situations were not that dissimilar. They were people who had suddenly discovered that their life, as they knew it, was based on a long-term falsehood.” She goes on to state, “Discoveries of such secrets typically bring on tumultuous crises. Ironically, however, in my clinical experience, it is often the person who lied or cheated who has the easier time. People who transgressed might feel self-loathing, regret or shame. But they have the possibility of change going forward, and their sense of their own narrative, problematic though it may be, is intact. They knew all along what they were doing and made their own decisions. They may have made bad choices, but at least those were their own and under their control. Now they can make new, better choices.” On the other hand, the torment for the spouse is unrelenting. Our story has been stolen from us, we question ourselves and how could we not have known, how did we not see the signs, what did we do to deserve this, and how much of what we know is the truth, and how much is lies. As Dr. Fels says, “Insidiously, the new information disrupts their sense of their own past, undermining the veracity of their personal history.” And, “Understandably, some feel cynical if not downright paranoid. How can they know what is real going forward?” She goes on to talk about how society relates to the betrayed, “And the social response to people who have suffered such life-transforming disclosures, well meaning as it is intended to be, is often less than supportive. Our culture may embrace the redeemed sinner, but the person victimized — not so much. Lack of control over their destiny makes people queasy. Friends often unconsciously blame the victim, asking whether the betrayed person really “knew at some level” what was going on and had just been “in denial” about it. But the betrayed are usually as savvy as the rest of us.” Our job as betrayed spouses, as outlined in the article, is to reconstruct our personal histories. “As a psychiatrist, I can tell you that it’s often a painstaking process to reconstruct a coherent personal history piece by piece — one that acknowledges the deception while reaffirming the actual life experience. Yet it’s work that needs to be done. Moving forward in life is hard or even, at times, impossible, without owning a narrative of one’s past. Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.”
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Sharing your personal life is a bold decision. As much hurt as you have experienced, you sound stronger than you may realize. One word of advice would be to focus on your health and your happiness. If you are a good person and feel you deserve happiness, start focusing on your needs and what you can turn to so that happiness is achieved. As your mind drifts over to the side of despair, anger, frustration, etc…, real it back in by focusing on your passions in life. I mean the kind of activities or places that transpose you to a new level of consciousness; activities or places that force you to jump out of bed in the morning because you can’t wait to be part of these events. If you can’t think of passions like this, give yourself time in a relaxed environment and write down what “moves you ” in life. What “things” makes you feel like a complete person. As this becomes the new focus, the joy and pleasures experienced will significantly reduce the painful events of the past. I hope this helps.
I’m glad you had a chance to visit my blog site. My passion is health and my mission is to educate in a thoughtful, compassionate and meaningful way to help people find healthier paths in life. Your thoughts and comments are always welcomed. My site is https://allabouthealthyhabits.wordpress.com
You deserve happiness so why not achieve it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind and helpful comments. Thankfully, I was in a financial position to be able to participate in some significant trauma related therapy last year and it helped me realize a few things about myself that I didn’t consciously realize, or that I was forgetting in the wake of the PTSD. I actually am a very strong and self confident person and was floored by the way my husband’s sex addiction and all the secrets that go along with it devastated me and my reality. I learned through therapy that I am strong enough to leave if I need to. Now I am trying to build back my passion for life. It is rough some days as I travel along this difficult journey with a recovering sex addict (and all the stress that still dictates a lot of his behavior and his actual physical health), however, I am starting to make progress. Each day brings its challenges, but also a deeper awakening in myself of who I am and how strong I am. I started my blog to just get some of the pain out of me. Then, I realized there was a real community here and it has been incredibly helpful. I have also connected with spouses/women regarding the sex addiction aspect of my blog, which I find rewarding since it is a misunderstood addiction and also many people still denounce it’s validity. I have recently branched out into my own quest for a healthier lifestyle through nutrition and exercise. I found your blog through a reblog by SimpleLivingOver50. I agree with you wholeheartedly. As I heal, I need to make a conscious effort to seek out those aspects of my life that light a passionate fire in me. This weekend I will be attending a plein air painting workshop… a workshop I planned to go to but cancelled last year. I am making progress. Regarding the diet and exercise, I am still trying to find my way, but we have eliminated all processed foods and sugars from our diet and only eat grass-fed and free-range antibiotic free meats, poultry and sustainable fish. I am working my way through some stomach and headache issues so have eliminated grains and dairy as well. Following the Whole30 diet has been difficult, but eye opening. I do feel better, but I need to eventually find a nutritional lifestyle that allows for some of the foods I love without it turning into a downward spiral. Thanks again for your comment.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The best way to create a life long nutrition plan is to make certain the foods you enjoy are part of it. Start with 70% clean and 30% comfort. Slowly increase the clean percentage, but always allow room for comfort foods. This makes it realistic and helps achieve long term success rather than repetitive yo-yo ing. Good luck. Feel free to shout out with any questions or if you simply need an ear to listen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad the blogging has helped you to do some healing and creating of a personal narrative. I have found blogging to do the same for me. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, blogging does help with the healing. I was going to comment on your latest post, but was at a loss for words (a rare occurrence for me). I feel your pain, and I gain strength from your perseverance. ❤
LikeLike
Yes, I feel robbed of my joy everytime I feel “unsafe” in my own bed, or in the arms of my husband. That is supposed to be my safe place, my warmth, my joy. Now I feel paranoid that he did these things with “her” or I am reminded of what he could have said or done while spending time with her. Its such a short period of time but it is huge in its perspective and effect. The blast radius has affected me in such an astronomical way that I can’t find myself again…I can’t find my way back to me. I don’t want to live with such insecurity…
LikeLike
It sucks! You shouldn’t have to live that way. I hope you are finding some strength in sharing your story. I know I am! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. Good article. Will save and re read. Again our parallels are so similar, it helps me to know it is ok to count days, to relive moments, to be ok one day and in the toilet the next. I ask myself daily when and how this pain will go away. Many days I think leaving is the only answer, but I have put so much into the healing process I would feel like a failure, again. I have a plan in place “just in case” I cannot get past the distrust and pain. He is trying, but so many times it feels like a bandaid. I agree it is easier for them to move forward, but there is always the question is all the affair stuff really over. Thank you for your blog. You strength gives me strength. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Deb. I’m sorry you still have to have questions. Trust is so difficult to re-build. I hope you are having mostly happy days. Hugs back. ❤
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Insist on Honesty and commented:
This is pretty much perfect. The article is SPOT ON… so much so that yesterday, I forwarded it to my husband to read, to better explain to him (not that he’s asked WHY; he knows damn well why) how I can be fine one minute and a tears-pouring-out-of-my-eyes WRECK the next. Memories aren’t quite what they used to be. They never will be again.
After about 10 minutes, he sent me this:
That was really good and does help me see more of what you do. What in the past is solid or not… I love you and can only give you the future. I’ve already stolen the past from you and I do truly regret it and wish I could change what I did, you didn’t deserve any of it, none of it was ever your fault. As it said, I controlled me, not you. I was selfish, stupid and on most counts, just didn’t care. I’m so sorry, and I will love you for ever and more!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am also planning on forwarding to my husband. Yours gave you a very caring response. Good luck in your healing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a lovely response by your husband. It’s not everything, but is certainly something. Thanks for reblogging. So many of you are really good at re-blogging. I really appreciated the words in the article because they validated the feelings of utter loss of part of our life story. Rebuilding that story in a way that makes us feel whole is so terribly difficult. Hugs IH.
LikeLike
I think that the only reason I believe it’s POSSIBLE that he’s changing is because of his mother.
He hasn’t had a relationship with her in 20 years. Yes – when he was a senior in high school. He hadn’t spoken to her for 17 years and hasn’t even SEEN her in 15.
His fault via his father (Master Cheater/Brainwasher with a master’s in psych/Methodist Minister/Adulterer who ran off – leaving a letter on the marital bed – with his wife’s BEST FRIEND) convincing him that his mother was insane. As in… “It is only out of the kindness of my [black, hollow] heart that I don’t have her committed to an asylum” sort of insane.
But W is softening to her. He SPOKE with her. Warmly. Uncomfortable but open to being loved by her.
That is blowing my mind. He might be genuine, in all this. Might. I’m scared that all this “change” will end up being a legendary lie in the future.
I don’t want to be played again. I’m blunt and harsh and honest, completely, with him. The only thing I’m holding onto is that I will never be ashamed of giving him a chance… only scared. I can handle that. I think. For now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, we can only live in the now and we have no control over other people’s honesty or integrity. The one thing I learned in therapy is that I need to be emotionally healthy enough to leave if I need to… that’s it. I am a wonderful, beautiful, talented, strong, and happy woman on my own. We cannot control our husbands or fix them. We can be here for them and if they hurt us, we are strong enough to leave and make a new and different life for ourselves. We hope we don’t have to, but we can. I hope your husband is getting to the bottom of his insecurities and finding his inner strength so he can be the man he wants to be. ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
I have wanted to say this but I don’t know where to, so I’ll just post it in this large thread, but:
Many times, I’ve wanted to reply to your husband’s blog and I just can’t.
1) I don’t want to teach him how to make you feel better and be supportive… I’ve essentially taught W how to do this and, because of that, I find that I can’t trust that it’s coming from him… just him, following directions. I wish he’d come to this on his own… but he hasn’t. I fear that I’ve been TOO honest, sometimes, and taught him exactly how and when and where to convince me, just setting myself up for an even more significant betrayal, later on.
2) I know how W would react to being given advice by another woman. How he HAS reacted. And he’s not even a sex addict. He’s a first-pangs-of-romance addict. If another woman responded carefully and well and really and truly *helpfully,* he’d be well on his way to feeling like he loved her… like she was special. Even if the advice was the same, he would repeat them back to me like it was wise and sage and thoughtful… not even understanding that I’ve SAID it before.
I wouldn’t want any woman “helping” MY husband with being a better one for me… because he’d fucking fall in “love” with her. So I don’t comment on your husband’s posts… not because I don’t want to and not because I think HE will “fall in love” with me (lol) and not because I think my advice is special… but because I find myself triggered when I want to say something and realize that that’s ALL *W* needed to start being unfaithful to me: ANY kind of emotional attention from Someone Other Than ME, which is attention he’d never actually ACCEPT from ME, even though I’ve spent our entire relationship DOUSING him with it.
I don’t recall seeing comments on his posts… and I wonder if that’s why? Other BS’s recognize that too and want to not contribute to any kind of temptations or triggers?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi, IH. I believe there are a few comments on his blog, or just a couple maybe. Mainly betrayed spouses trying to be supportive of his effort to make the necessary changes in his life. Blue Eyes writes his blog pretty much for the sole purpose of getting his feelings out. He uses it to complete assignments given to him by his therapist. He doesn’t really follow other blogs, except mine, I think and he doesn’t generally comment on other blogs, especially not those of female bloggers. He has set those rules for himself. He finds it cathartic to write on the blog versus on paper. Blue Eyes is off of all social media, so the blog is a bit of a scary thing for him being that it could be a connection to women on the internet. I actually set up his account for him and have all the passwords although I have never checked in on him or checked his emails or anything. I am just not that kind of wife/woman. I never have been. I have great trust and even now, his earning my trust back and keeping my trust is his job. I will never check up on him. That being said, I think your instincts are good ones. I have noticed that male betrayed spouses and even the remorseful cheaters are a bit of a commodity on WP. I think we, as women, naturally want to give support to a man who has been wronged or is trying to do the right thing. I am sure it is an ego boost to men. Just know, that if you do feel the desire to comment, he will most likely not respond back. That is a boundary he set up for himself. Prior to dday, he would have definitely responded and started up conversations with women. He has come a long way since then. I appreciate your being sensitive to his needs.
LikeLike
What I think, at the time, is:
You (*you*, not generally) need him to have made a habit of centering his mental (physical, of course, but mental/emotional is where it starts) attention on you. Maybe forever.
They are your needs, I pay attention to. NEEDS, not “It would be nice if he didn’t…”
I just recognize now, because of all this with W, that I think MOST – if not all – men need to be starved of emotional connection with women who aren’t their wives. Even their female relatives, in a large sense. Even with ANYONE, in a broader sense… because it doesn’t ACTUALLY HELP The Relationship Being Discussed if *both* parties aren’t involved in the conversation. When they talk about it when it’s not wanted? “This Me Talking to YOU/YOU Talking To ME, is not helping YOUR relationship *with each other*. *I* am not part of THAT. I should not know :::THIS:: and I wish I didn’t. I don’t want to talk about it again. Ever.”
That’s why W’s default now, when people (but especially women) try to discuss their relationship problems with him (and he DOES just look like THAT GUY people open up to and talk to), to say “You can tell me EVERYTHING – the nitty gritty of every problem you’ve ever had… and maybe I can help… but it won’t ACTUALLY help if you’re not talking with HIM/HER about this, instead of me. I shouldn’t know this. S/he SHOULD. STOP. Call them RIGHT NOW.”
I’ve stepped back – though it wasn’t a problem for me in the past (but maybe it was for them?) – ENTIRELY from listening to male friends tell me about their relationship issues. I had good boundaries for myself but those boundaries were constantly challenged… perhaps that’s why I was so blind-sided? I could not imagine a halfway-decent human being having LESS than those basic boundaries. And YES, I think of those women who have lesser boundaries as less-than-decent human beings.
❤ to you, Kat!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are such a thoughtful young lady. Your husband is very lucky to have you. My husband also has a large problem with spending too much time letting people tell him “their story,” when he is still trying to figure himself out. He now directs them to talk with a therapist, but it is difficult when they are your friends. He only has male friends (now), but even the male friends are coming out of the woodwork with issues they want to talk about with Blue Eyes. What a crazy world we live in. I have very very strict boundaries. I’ll probably write a post one of these days about how I had a crush on my boss when I was an 18 year old virgin with hormones run amok. It was a mutual attraction but he was married with two beautiful little children. My mom taught me right from wrong. Let’s just say, I was no Monica Lewinsky. I can understand the feelings people may have, I just don’t understand the abhorrent behavior of cheating while married or cheating with someone else’s husband, and I never have. ❤
LikeLike
You know what a therapist will do? Have you tell the other person, in front of you (general you, now lol), exactly what you’re telling them… eventually. At $200-plus/hr. We did actually see a therapist recently. The best in the area. She read my blog. She read our messages to each other. BEFORE our first appt. We spent hours with her and she wanted us to SAY everything… we’d be spending the next year talking about things, she said. Things we’ve ALREADY said and explained and emoted over. She was so damn slow. (And the salesperson-cynic in me thought “Of COURSE she is… slow means more money!”)
So now? I say just to cut through the bullshit and talk to your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend exactly how you’re talking to me right now. Because if you have any sense, and speak and respond freely, then you’re not going to get any more out of them than a therapist would. And if anyone’s a liar? There’s no point to it anyway… the liar owes FAR less, always will, and knows they can cut all ties to that therapist more than they owe you.
That’s how much I don’t trust. I didn’t and I still don’t. I hardly did before… I just didn’t believe that HE could betray me. No – I KNEW he could… just not to THIS extent. Or rather, not so deeply and repeatedly. Not to where I was nothing anymore and he squatted down to take a shit on top of me, our children, and our futures. Not that he did so on our ENTIRE past.
So no more talking to therapists as advice from me. You tell the other person. Right fucking now. Or I will. That’ll be a hazard sign, in big fucking flashing lights, to NEVER tell me something about your spousal relationship that you’re not willing to tell your spouse, if there ever was! Excepting actual, ongoing abuse that will DESTROY you? I don’t care if I lose “shady,” one-sided “friends” anymore… I can’t even trust the one person who vowed to protect me until my death. He killed the person I was and blamed me for making him do it.
LikeLike
So yeah – not terribly thoughtful… not in the here and now. If someone confides that they’re cheating? Your spouse will know, from me, shortly, if you don’t tell them. They’re not as dumb or dull or overly-sensitive as Cheaters think… they simply have a grasp on reality. Reality you’ve deprived them of KNOWING – but which they still FEEL and torment themselves over, without the benefit of knowing WHY – but which still exists. They have a RIGHT to know.
“How dare you, IH?!” Nope – gaslighting doesn’t work on me anymore. HOW.DARE.YOU? *I* didn’t cheat. YOU did. And your spouse deserves to know WHY they’re feeling lost or worried or depressed, even if you don’t think so. They simply DO.
LikeLike
Also, honestly, some of us did not know anything was going on. I was not feeling lost, or worried or depressed in any way. Not at all. I had no idea my husband had a secret life. I don’t think it is about being dumb, or dull, or overly-sensitive when we are dealing with wives of sex addicts anyway… it turns our world upside down because not only has our husband cheated, but he now has a life long disease that he can merely recover from, it will never completely go away. Regardless of whether we trust them or not, they have a very difficult time trusting in themselves. But I do understand where you are coming from if you are speaking about a couple of guys talking about their extramarital sex life as if it just a small thing that they don’t want their wife to find out about because, you know, free sex. I get that. That is just not the case with sex addiction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have to give it to you… and him, really. I know sex addicts. They’ve taken off, either when discovered or just before, so they wouldn’t be.
You’re right – I have no experience in that area. Sex addicts do not share this, however, as you’ve pointed out. They are NOT the guys talking about the waitress they fucked in the parking lot, around the water cooler. They’re the guys who appear perfect. The ones no one would suspect. It was orchestrated to appear that way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with you to a certain extent, however, when you are dealing with addicts, it is not just something we can talk out together and fix. He knows how much his betrayal and lies and secret life hurt me and still hurts me. That is not really the point, so I can talk about it until I’m blue in the face and he can apologize until the cows come home, but it won’t solve anything. He actually does need years of therapy, 12 step, group support, and healing that he cannot do by himself. If he could do it himself or with my help, he would have done it already. I was never able to keep him from his addictive and self-destructive activities before even though we had a loving and supportive marriage and I will never be the one to do that in the future. Sure, he needs to do it himself, but no words from me will help him (I have come to realize this the hard way). He NEEDS the therapy and 12 step group. I accept that now, but it did take me a while. Also, in regards to the friends that are confiding in my husband, they also NEED therapy. They are only sharing because Blue Eyes has shared with them. My husband had a really great (and free with his lawyer bar association fees) therapist for four years before dday. To deal with his feelings around his brother’s suicide. If he had had the strength and courage to actually tell the truth to his therapist, I could have been spared the phone call from the whore and a lot of the really destructive disclosures that happened after that. Sex addicts almost never share their secrets unless a catastrophe happens. It is not my husband’s place to tell his friend’s wife (who he doesn’t even know) that her husband has secrets that could potentially turn their world upside down, or even threaten his friend of such a thing. The friend needs a qualified therapist to help guide him through the disclosures and that will help the wife in the long run. I wish that had happened for me. Addiction is a whole other can of worms. Therapists are slow because fixing huge problems cannot happen overnight, the damage is deep and has been there for years. It’s kind of like dieting… we didn’t gain the weight overnight and we won’t be able to take it off long term overnight, and sometimes we need a little help. Keep an open mind, IH. I am a very black and white person too. I am like you. I have learned a lot over the past 15 months. I do admire your spunk!!! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
As soon as I started to read the article I knew I had read it before. It hit me in a completely different way today and maybe because of what you have written Kat. I read it at work and then kept thinking about it all morning. Man this is one hell of a crazy ride we are all on….isn’t it?
I was saying to H yesterday that if it wasn’t for your blogs and comments I don’t know where I would be. It makes the crazy normal. It gives us a place to rant and vent without fear. It gives us support. It gives us a place to share without judgement and a place of understanding that this is one shit of a crappy ride.
Xxxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear ya, CF. It’s a shitty ride, but I am glad that if I have to be on this ride, that there are some damn fine ladies out there taking it with me. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
All of us here are awesome!!!!!!!!!
We are strong
Brave
Intelligent
Wise
We are all trying to find ourselves in our betrayed history and to somehow move forward to see a clear path to our happy peaceful place in life that we damn well deserve!!!!!
Off to yoga now to cement it all in!!!!!!
Namaste
(Means the goodness in me sees the goodness in you!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it does.
LikeLike
I’ve read this article before, but it is a good one to revisit. It is difficult to explain how it feels to be in such pain because of someone else’s actions. I generally enjoy singing Vance Joy’s ‘Mess is Mine’ quite loudly. Always gets a chuckle and a grin from him. I’m sorry it’s been a bad day. Hoping tomorrow will be brighter. Xo Jules
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am doing better today, unfortunately Blue Eyes is struggling. We seem to do this, trade the pain back and forth. I’ll have to look up the song and sing it loudly (he has always said he loves my voice, but I have my doubts, ha) and see if I can get a chuckle out of my old beaten down sex addict husband.
LikeLike
Kat, this is so perfect. You did a great job intertwining your feelings and experience with what Dr. Fels was expressing in her article.This so validates the loss and frustration each of us is experiencing in our efforts to recover from our spouse’s betrayals. We are all trying to navigate a course we never signed up for. But today, even in our weakness we are strong and we are here for each other.
This morning I sat and read this post to my husband. When I was done he had tears in his eyes and whispered “I am so sorry that I have done this to you.” Expressing those feelings is huge for him. Thank you for giving a voice to my heart.
Here is wishing you a better day today with feelings of hope and love. Hugs, Kit
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Kit, for the kind words and for the article. Thank you for being here with me, and with all of us. And… anything that helps our husbands express their feelings is a blessing. It is a great article. The re-reading of the article prompted Blue Eyes to pour his heart out in a blog entry… and it took a lot out of him. Deep feeling, as difficult as it is, is so necessary for his recovery. Day by day. I hope you are having a wonderful afternoon. ❤
LikeLike
What is the name of his blog? I’d be interested in reading it.
LikeLike
Jules, if you are speaking about Blue Eyes’ blog, it is https://willyouholdmyhand.wordpress.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
I remember my day too. It was March 28. The girl was one of many, but it didn’t make it any less painful. When you write, I feel everything you say.
Maya Angelou says, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
I have this odd urge to scream it from the rooftops … I cant keep it inside me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love Maya Angelou and that quote in particular. I have used it in a post about my husband since he was carrying around not only an untold story, but a whole freakin’ secret sex life. Despite everything, I adore my husband and want him to recover, but it doesn’t change the fact that he has changed me and my life forever because of his selfish choices. Thankfully we get to tell our stories here knowing people “get” us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent article, made me want to shake my husband awake this morning and show him……I didn’t
LikeLiked by 2 people
I emailed it to mine!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Please forgive my intrusion on your blog as I am not a BS. I was with my husband for 30 years and last year he died by suicide. I started reading your blog a few months ago and for some reason your words and strength have helped me so much. I know we are in different circumstances, but maybe pain is pain no matter its origin. And therefore help can come from many places not just those in exactly the same circumstances.
Anyway I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey so honestly and bravely. I also wanted you to know that you are an inspiration and give me hope. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are an amazing lady.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain. We can never truly understand the agony people endure before deciding to leave this life behind.
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. We live in such a crazy, fast-paced world, I find solace in just sitting down and writing out my thoughts. I am quite amazed at the support I have received from this blogging community. It helps me to not feel so alone. Pain IS pain and we all want to be heard and understood and validated and accepted. It took me many months of writing before I got up the nerve to start my blog, but I am glad I finally did. We can all learn from each other. A peaceful loving virtual hug to you.
LikeLike
It shakes and sometimes breaks the foundation of one’s life and reality. Great post and article. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
When my ex betrayed me I took a totally different approach. I packed my things and found a small apartment. It really sucked, but I made the decision pretty quickly that after all of the love and commitment I put into that relationship, I she really didn’t want me then she really doesn’t deserve me. When someone makes that choice of starting another relationship while being in one all they are saying is that their ego is more important than their partner. It cost me over 60,000.00 dollars to divorce from that relationship, but it was well worth it as my life has become one of peace and love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We all have a story and a unique life experience to share. I am so glad your life is now filled with peace and love (and health!). I attempt to read your blog every day and I love the other blogs you link to as well. I’m trying to figure this whole health thing out. Tomorrow we have appointments at a training facility that offers fitness, athletic training, therapy including massage and chiropractic so that we can get these bodies stronger and healthier. I’m looking forward to it. I have not had a lot of energy since being on the Whole30, but I honestly think my body is still adjusting. I see you don’t write much about your debt situation anymore… or maybe I have missed it being so focused on health, but I truly hope that stressor is out of your life. Continued peace and health to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I hope you find your way also. I haven’t written too much about debt since I paid off the very last one being the car. The only one I have left is the house, but plans changing to selling and moving to Tampa Florida along with paying for a trip and taxes it didn’t leave much to pay down the mortgage. I am still waiting to return to work and Oregon dropped the ball on licenses. I am stuck in limbo until I get my license renewed but their database crashed and they have no idea when it will be functional again. Oregon is a beautiful State, but it has more problems than any other State I ever lived in. I actually can’t wait to leave.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You need to go where you feel good. That Florida sunshine will be lovely for you, and your grand baby is there? So sorry Oregon has let you down. I enjoy your photos. I was born and raised in Oregon and accept her for all her problems although I would like more sunshine. Since we are building a beach house on the coast, I doubt I will leave any time soon. What brought you to Oregon? My husband is from California (another faulty state–pun intended) and I love it there too. Most likely our sunshine will eventually come from Arizona as we are both from the west coast and feel more comfortable out here and AZ is much more affordable. We do go east often, and really enjoy visiting, especially now that our older son lives in Brooklyn. So glad you got out from under the debt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs. I’m so sorry you are having a bad day. I’m guess I’m glad you are counting months instead of weeks and perhaps one day it will be years. The loss of our previous history is so darn mind screwing that our present is difficult to grasp let alone the future of uncertainty. The future used to be held and promised with hope and happiness and our past was steady. For someone who has experienced a death, the past remains unchanged, only the future changes. Nothing can compare to the agony of betrayeds. No, not even the ones who did the betraying – their life story still stays the same. This article gives me validation that the topics and words I have chosen to write about in my blogging adventure, are words and feelings felt by many betrayeds. At least I know I’m not going crazy. Hugs again to you and thank you for posting!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Validation and understanding are so important to our healing. We do feel your pain and you are definitely not crazy. My mood has passed, but I still have so much of my story to tell and I have no idea how long it will take, and I am okay with that. Peace and hugs to you, Bugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perfectly stated. I’m only six month out from Dday. By I know that my life is forever changed, thank you for sharing xo
LikeLiked by 3 people
It’s not easy making sense of this new life as we are grieving over the life we have lost… hugs to you, rac.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Bloody hell, Kat. Nailed it! This is the BEST explanation I have come across of my sense of loss and self-frustration throughout my unrecovery.
Thank you so much for staring it ♥
LikeLiked by 5 people
*sharing. Sorry
LikeLike
It is just so refreshing, and brought tears to my eyes, that someone has validated our feelings. It is so fucking unfair that everyone just wants us to get over “it” and move on because it is uncomfortable for them. We need to tell our stories, no matter how painful, no matter how bitter, no matter how unrelenting and no matter how long it takes. No one can tell us when or if we will ever be able to move past the pain and the destruction and I fucking hate being judged for my pain after my husband ripped my whole world out from under me. I want the entire fucking world to go away and leave me alone. It’s that kind of day. You are welcome! Hugs. ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people