I could be happy anywhere

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Approximately three months ago I put myself on notice in the post The year has come and gone.

I am responsible for my happiness. I have made a promise to myself to seek out that happiness and not let anything or anyone get in my way. Happiness used to come so easily to me. I woke up happy and although everyone has challenging moments throughout the day, I never had bad days, only bad moments. Then dday happened, and trauma overwhelmed me.

As Blue Eyes and I were driving home yesterday, we passed numerous farms growing everything from citrus to hazelnuts. I lost myself in daydreams looking out on farmhouses, and vineyards, and orchards, I envisioned painting those little farmhouses surrounded by fruit trees and grape vines. I realized I would be incredibly happy living on a farm. I love to garden, I love animals, I love to cook and bake, especially for my family. I could live in a small town just as easily as a large city. I could be happy living in a cabin in the woods. I could sip tea and paint all day. It is not loads of money or the size of my house or the lavishness of my holidays that make me happy. I didn’t realize anything could steal away my happiness until my husband lied about me and betrayed me. Until that day, discovery day, I never could have imagined that a person who promised to cherish me and in some ways held my happiness, my soul, my heart in his hands, was systematically destroying my world.

I know I can be happy without my husband. I can feel it in my bones. Being married to Blue Eyes, being his wife and partner, is a habit. Making changes, especially to decades long patterns, is incredibly difficult. The question I keep asking myself as Blue Eyes struggles to remain mindful, is can I be happy with a man not knowing if he will ever be able to stop hurting me with his words and his actions. If I can be happy without him, and I struggle to see his progress and I know all those elements of his personality, his addiction, that propelled his abhorrent behavior over the past four decades are still there inside him, dictating his behavior, hindering his ability to be self aware, his ability to be present, his ability to be a partner, should I stay? Is my happiness my only goal? I cannot fix him, change him, or apparently even help him, so do I just sit around hoping he will be a better husband so I can be a happier person. Honestly, it is not really possible for me to be truly happy under the existing circumstances. I do know that much. There are too many triggers. There is too much baggage.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I brought up the “s” word: separation. I never bring it up lightly. I never threaten with it. I am dead serious when I talk about separation, but when I do think about it, I feel it is at a point of complete and utter desperation for me. It is part of the trauma. I really don’t want to separate. But I do want to be happy.

As we got off the freeway exit near our house last night and were stopped at a traffic signal, a deluge of horrible memories and images flooded my brain, from out of nowhere. As we approached our home, the home we have lived in for nearly 20 years, the home we lived in during all of Blue Eyes’ acting out behaviors, his cheating, his lying, his sexting, his bringing another woman to our house, all of it came crashing in around me. I felt stifled, claustrophobic, out of breath. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to face THAT reality.

I feel like I could be happy anywhere. I could easily leave and engage in happy and healthy behaviors, but I feel like I would be running away. I have always been someone who faces her own reality square in the face, and deals with it. I realize, this time, this is not my reality. My husband changed my reality so drastically, I don’t recognize it. He manipulated me and polluted my life with his own sickness. I am having a tough time. I know I am just rambling, because I am lost and I don’t know what to do.

11 thoughts on “I could be happy anywhere

  1. Slow and steady will get you where you need to be, wherever it takes you. I have confidence in you, in both your weaknesses and strengths. Those qualities will lead the way. Love, me xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I have finished reading the last few posts, I have had the same thought-“she is getting stronger”…. It keeps resonating in my head for a while as I continue to think about you throughout my day. It’s very nice to see your strengths returning- back to the real you – your roots. I am full of hope for your marriage but what I really want is what you want and that happiness seems to be evolving. So I’ll close with Pharrel’s happy song playing in my head for you -A

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I am getting back to the old me, however, the new me does want a true and honest happiness that is not built on faulty assumptions about my husband. I hope we can make it work, but I intend to be happy regardless. Thank you so much for your encouraging comments!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Obviously my situation was a bit different, all the lies and the cheating came to a head and I was given a choice, carry on or get mugged off again in the future. You hit a point where you quit worrying about the impact of changing the now, and look forward to the future. I found out being on your own is actually more satisfying that being with someone who is never going to respect you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I listened to a TED conference lecture the other day about love. What I found interesting was that one of the presenters gave a description of most marriages around the world being based on a simple partnership. Each one lives their own lives in a way that brings each joy but then come together as a team to care for a household and raise a family. I thought this was interesting because she stated that it in most cases neither one cheated on the other. She said that here in America we depend too much on our partners where in other placed these needs are met by our communities. Just food for thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, that sounds pretty simple. I think in America we get so caught up in consumption… we want more, think we need more, the grass is always greener, etc… happiness shouldn’t be so difficult and we often think someone else should be making us happy. After reading a lot lately about marriage and relationships, I think it really boils down to expectations and communication. If a couple can communicate about what is important to each, and maintain a level of trust and integrity, and there is a balance of compromise, it should work. It seems a lot of us get caught up in being selfish and that is not a great way to work a partnership. Being in our early 50’s and together for over 30 years, we have seen a lot of marriages and a lot of divorces. In my experience, many couples divorce after they have grown apart because they stop communicating about what is important to them. Ironically, my husband and I had one of those marriages where we each had our own lives and we came together as a team for many of the household/parenting issues, but his “career” took up a lot of his time and household/parenting fell to me, a lot. This worked for him because that is how he grew up. I did not grow up that way. All in all, I thought we were both happy. I was certainly happy, but then again, I was being honest, living with integrity, compromising where necessary (a lot), and I respected my husband. Unfortunately, my partner is an addict, and well, you know the rest. Everything else in our relationship works, other than the lying, cheating, addict part… Now I find that managing the trauma and stress is getting really old, really quick and I need to take care of myself.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. The fact that you know you can be happy without him is a BIG deal. I didn’t think I could ever be happy, and that’s what led me to a deep depression when my husband didn’t want to make things work. Slowly slowly I am proving myself wrong though. I am proving myself wrong.
    You are a strong and lovely woman, and you will be that with or without a husband. One thing I learned through divorce is that a man can take a lot of things from you, but he can’t take Away the essence of what you are… And what you are is amazing.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you Caroline for your kind words. I do feel pretty confident in who I am. Unfortunately, one of the things that I am is a caretaker. I am currently writing a post that elaborates a little more on where I am going with my thinking/feelings right now. My husband does not want to separate and I do love him, but I need to be sensible. I need to do what is best for me. I am used to giving a lot of chances and I sorta need to stop doing that. He relies on those chances. He also knows me well.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Not rambling at all.
    I think the same
    Wondering if this is where I should be and if I would be running from M if I left
    Our children are so young and in no way am I blaming the kids for staying but seeing how happy they are their family is together, with their Dad makes it worth it.

    Then I wonder if I am making excuses.

    M changed my life path.
    I cannot love him like I did before.
    The trust and innocence of the man I thought I knew I’d gone.
    I don’t even really know this new guy.
    He is still handsome, but I can find handsome elsewhere too.
    I totally get it :.
    Just starting over without M seems so good

    Liked by 6 people

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