Oh boy, here we go. I don’t really have a lot of time right now for blogging. I shouldn’t be blogging. I should be up, and moving at the very least. I have my alarm set to get me up out of my chair every hour. Sitting is bad for me/us/people. I actually should be getting ready for a meeting at work. Blue Eyes told me to just call in, I don’t need to actually get all “prettied up” ha, get in my car, and drive the three miles to the office when I can call in. The meeting is not that big a deal. He doesn’t want me to have to change out of my painting clothes. He wants me to be able to do what makes me happy. He also wants me to make turkey meatballs with sauce for dinner and I think secretly he believes this is more likely to happen if I do not have to go downtown. I should be working on a couple work projects today as well that I have procrastinated on. I also need some canvases. I have a trip to the art store on my list. What I shouldn’t be doing is sitting in a chair reading blogs and writing a blog entry. But, here I am. I do get sucked in sometimes, and sometimes this is my sanity.
I tend to do better emotionally when I get out my feelings about what is going on with my life, when I am able to talk it out. This morning I was reading some blogs and during that process, I started to question myself and self reflect. I follow some blogs focused on health and I like those blogs because the authors post diligently, pretty much every day or multiple times a day and I can read through the information quickly and it keeps me thinking about how important my health is. The blogs that I find myself ruminating on, of course, are the betrayed spouse blogs, and not necessarily the betrayed spouse blogs, but the blogs I like to call crossovers. I do often comment on other betrayed spouse blogs if I feel I can be supportive. I definitely, I think, tend to share my experiences more as advice in the comments on others’ blogs and I totally appreciate when people do that for me. Sometimes reading through comments on BS blogs introduces me to new bloggers and sometimes that gets me in trouble because it leads me directly to bloggers who have either cheated on their spouse, are cheating on their spouse, or plan to cheat on their spouse (many have been cheated on, these are what I call crossovers). I try to stay away, but I admit, sometimes I do get sucked into the stories and inevitably I come out the other side with the same feelings, every single time. First, do I sound really angry and judgmental and preachy in my writing? I read this in a few other blogs and I hope I don’t come across that way. It is not my intent. And, I’m not really talking about how I sound to Blue Eyes, that is for him to worry about, my question is more about how I interact with followers. My intent is not to be giving advice or insinuating I am better than anyone else, or insinuate I have the answers. I do not have the answers. Likewise, I must stop reading when I hear a spouse who has been cheated on and who is now cheating, going on going on and on about the wife of her current married lover. She’s fat, or skinny, or lazy, or too athletic, or she only focuses on the kids and doesn’t give her hubby any attention, or she is only after his money, or she is bitchy, or condescending, or angry, or timid, or whatever. Really? It’s that old golden rule thing again… the female code is dead! Women don’t do that to other women? Bullshit, women do THAT to other women all the time, unfortunately. I literally have to say to myself, stop Kat, this is not about you this has nothing to do with you. Just stop. The fact that I do not have life’s answers should be obvious in the way I continue to struggle with my “predicament.” My only intent in starting my blog was to share the journal entries I had written about my experience. My intention was not to weave a story of intrigue, or lead people on, or concoct a story that sounds more like a romance novel about infidelity than my true life story. My blog is also not a place where I go to rationalize how I should cheat on Blue Eyes because he cheated on me. His cheating was not about me. My true life story isn’t that interesting, folks. My story is my story and if someone reads it and feels less alone, I still feel sad because they are having to go through a hell like mine, but I feel grateful that I can somehow connect with someone in need, like me, and the bloggers that were and are still there for me. I need to get this all out of me, whether anyone reads or not. I have found that the fact that people do read and comment is a comfort to me. When I was still in the catching up on my journal entry stage of my blog, I hated it. People were reading my story, but they had no idea where I was at the time. I tried to scatter in a few current-day posts and then I posted like hell to get caught up. Then I sat there thinking, what do I write about now? Well, I only had to sit for about 5 minutes before I realized I would never run out of things to write about, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I think I sound like I am clambering away at nothing here, so I want to make a point. The heart of the matter that I am speaking about is, I try not to follow or get caught up in the stories of people who cheat on their spouses. I don’t think it is healthy for me. I have talked about this before, but it still keeps coming up because there is a lot of crossover in these blogs. I know there is one blogger out there who has never followed me and did not accept my request to follow her private blog when I made the request, and who loves to blast any cheater who dares to comment on a betrayed spouse blog (especially if he or she has not cheated, she seems to feel a very strong kindred spirit to betrayed spouse bloggers, having been one herself). She is very very passionate. I appreciate where she is coming from even if I think she is a little harsh. She and I are very different. I have decided it is best for me to avoid the blogs that are about cheating, especially with a married man and also try to avoid getting sucked in by comments of cheaters, if I can. I’m not saying this other blogger is getting sucked in, from everything I have read, I think she enjoys the banter. It has taken me a while to get to the point where I know it is not good for me to focus on the cheaters and I am still not very good at it.
Blue Eyes and I had a rough day yesterday (I’ll keep saying it, sex addiction recovery is a bitch, guys). Yesterday I crashed, I yelled, I refused to listen to him, I stormed out of the kitchen. Blue Eyes followed me. He brought me a cup of tea. He finished his sharing and I sat and listened. I was frustrated with his “share,” but I have not been feeling well (is it a sinus infection, or allergies… is it the stomach flu, or menopause, or STRESS, please just make it go away) and we cancelled couple’s therapy because of it and I felt like I needed to really listen to him. He is trying. He is working his fourth step and he has admitted that doing that step, taking a fearless moral inventory, connecting with that really dark side of him, is horrifying. Going to a fearless place for Blue Eyes is not anywhere he has ever gone. He can only do it in small doses or he will collapse under the pressure. He needed to sit in front of me and say this. I needed to hear it. He knows how I feel about the twelve steps. I could do them all in a day. I am not an addict, so who the fuck cares how quickly I could do them. I try to be sympathetic. I want to understand him. I want to understand how the process feels. It helps me understand how he did the things he did in the name of addiction and it helps release me from some of the pain of feeling like I should have known. When the broken part of me sneaks a peek out from deep inside the secure, self reliant, self assured me, she feels like somehow cheating with other women was my fault. The bigger, better, stronger part of me knows this to be flatly false, but no one is made of steel. I hate that painful place. I want to go inside myself and grab ahold of that little part that feels somehow there was anything I could have done to stop this madness, to keep him home, to keep him safe, to keep him healthy, to keep him sane, to destroy the addiction, but there is no part of me that could do any of that. NONE.
This morning at breakfast, Blue Eyes sat in front of me with tired, red rimmed eyes, held my hands in his, and said he thought I was sent to him to be there when everything fell apart. I had been sent to him because I am a healer. No one else would be able to go through this with him. He is reading a book about Buddhism and life and death that he ordered online. He said I was his Bodhisattva. I do not even know what that is, but if it means something to him, if those thoughts can help him heal, I am honored to represent that to him. He said he felt like people tended to use sex to feed a physical part of themselves that they mistook for emotional, when what they really needed was to feed their spiritual needs. That sex is a weak replacement for spirituality. There was not much I could say as I have not gone to his Buddhism Meditation nor read any of his books. I want this part of his journey to be exclusively his. Once he has made it through his 12 steps, if he wants to teach me about these things and share this part of his life, I welcome it. I am finding my own way right now by reconnecting with my inner strength and confidence and happiness. For now, his connection to his own spirituality is all his. Go Blue Eyes.
Then, after breakfast I sat down to my computer and checked my WP Reader. I proceeded to read some really destructive words written by a blogger who does not believe sex addicts can recover. At first I thought she was an unbiased source in the therapy community, but now I know the truth. She writes as if she is an authority on sex addiction. She is merely an authority on her own relationship and her own ex-husband. I stopped following her immediately because this does not help me on my journey. I know how difficult sex addiction recovery is. I can only metabolize what I am going through with my husband. I am not in a position to read blanket statements about how all sex addicts are or how all sex addicts behave or how there is no such thing as sex addict recovery. If my husband fails, and/or our marriage fails, it will still just be about us, not about every marriage or every sex addict.
The next blog I read included a comment that I will condense and paraphrase here because I merely want to share the words, not the actual authors, or blogs. There are many comments out there like this one. The comment went something like this:
By the time your spouse cheats, the marriage is broken already. Sometimes it begins broken because the cheater began as a person too flawed to be married to. Usually though, it is a dynamic both spouses play into that erodes the intimacy, trust and the belief you can take all of yourself to your spouse. True reconciliation and healing has to begin with the understanding that “I failed you” has to come from BOTH spouses, not just the one who finally went to someone else. That flies in the face of the self-righteous indignation of the “victim” but I think everyone can legitimately ask for compassion and understanding.
I know the comment above is one person’s opinion on another person’s blog (the blogger is a cheater whose husband cheated on her first, don’t ask me how I got to this blog when I said I don’t do it anymore, but it was originally in an innocent and legitimate way). But these kinds of comments are really destructive to a betrayed spouse’s self esteem. I understand that even though this person is speaking in sweeping generalities, they are not my husband, or my therapist, or my mother, or whatever. They are fucking nobody to me. But it still pisses me off. Many of us ARE victims. And what the hell is wrong with righteous indignation… “a reactive emotion of anger over perceived mistreatment, insult, or malice. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice.” (Wikipedia). It does not preclude compassion and understanding for everyone, especially if people could STOP blaming other people and get to the bottom of their own shit. Again, get the anger out. Get the emotions out. You have been fucking cheated on, potentially due to ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN, despite what the commenter might be implying or actually saying. My guess is the commenter IS the cheater and she holds her husband accountable for HER cheating. I don’t know because there was no way I was clicking on her blog. Obviously these things get me in trouble. I do not want to stop following betrayed spouses just because sometimes there are comments that piss me off. There are so many bloody comments like the above out there. I am not shocked by the comment, just dismayed that people have such a difficult time being self reflective. I also don’t want to stop reading comments because they are a great form of dialogue. However, I need to learn to shut it off and shut it down. I hope other betrayed spouses who read destructive comments like the one above are also able to live in their own reality and realize there is never any legitimate reason to cheat. To argue, yes, to talk things through with a couple’s counselor, yes, to leave the marriage, yes. But why the cheating? How is the cheating your spouse’s responsibility, stop trying to make them feel bad for your mistake, if indeed you feel like it is a mistake, who knows. I have talked a lot about my husband’s other women and why they would want the relationship they had with him. One was married, two were not. I still very much believe they were trading sex with a sex addict for emotional stroking, which they desperately wanted. I do not believe it was about the sex for them. This makes me sad, because they were duped, just like me, but in a different and equally destructive way (still doesn’t give one of them the right to stalk ME… ). I just want to scream, STOP CHEATING, and blame shifting, and ignoring your own real and true needs (which most likely have nothing to do with sex). But yeah, it’s exhausting. So I blog, and then, hopefully, I feel better.
Well, in between all this, I did call in for the work meeting. But those other work projects aren’t getting done today. I’ll chalk it up to my mental health! Bring on the paint brushes! 🙂