The weather has cooled a bit here and the blue sky is covered in clouds. Unfortunately the clouds will not bring the much needed rain to naturally water our parched plants. We haven’t had a cloudy day in weeks. It’s okay, but rain would be excellent.
I have started my cherry blossom painting with my new oils while watching the men’s semifinal matches at Wimbledon. Oil paint on brush to canvas feels so good to me, so natural, so right. I can’t wait until the painting really comes together. Oils take longer because they dry so slowly, but are so worth it.
Even with being in a currently very positive place, trauma visited me yesterday afternoon. I spent a short bit of time feeling less than. I felt like if I had been good enough, my husband would not have strayed, addiction or not. I know this is a very negative path to go down and I quickly turned myself around. I despise the fact that women are treated as objects and body parts are judged by society, especially female body parts. I hate that so many betrayed feel like physical appearance played a large role in their betrayal stories. Most of the time I do not believe that at all. Being broken on the inside plays a large role in betrayal. My dip into the low self esteem pool happened right before Blue Eyes got home from work. I shared it with him with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart and an ache in my throat. He reassured me that nothing he did was because of anything I am, and deep down I know this, but I still get down sometimes.
I have been extra tense because we are in the final stages of construction financing for our beach house and they are making us jump through about a million hoops, and our mortgage banker is an idiot. He is a conventionally handsome 50-ish man surrounded by a harem of women at his office who dote on him hand and foot. Sure, most of it is their job, but I hate walking into offices that are banally generic and where the private offices around the perimeters (with the windows and the views) are filled with arrogant, self absorbed men and the cubicles all throughout the middle are filled with women struggling to get by and feeling it necessary to kiss up to (or literally kiss) these guys. I am tired of being manipulated, in general, in my life.
I went to bed thinking about budgets and money and large house payments and decided to read my book to calm me down. Blue Eyes was hinting at sex, but I wasn’t in the mood. I felt used and I once again questioned Blue Eyes and his sanity and just exactly where his mind was when he decided to fuck and or fuck with other women in places where we, me and his boys, lived or worked. Why couldn’t he keep it separate. Why did it seem so personal. Why couldn’t he keep his dirty “little” secret away from our houses and our business. I feel violated. He, of course, said he didn’t know, which is the best I can hope for I guess because there is no good answer to my questions. I rolled over to my side of the bed and opened my book to read. Within three seconds flat, Blue Eyes was asleep and snoring. How nice to be able to block it all out and fall blissfully asleep, just like that. He only snores when he is sick, or bone tired, so I know the man is exhausted. It took me two hours to get to sleep and then he was up at 5:45am getting ready for his meeting. I was not able to get back to sleep after he came back into our room three times because he forgot this or that. I am surviving on three hours sleep. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in days. I should probably just focus on this one goal for now: to get a full night’s sleep.
❤
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I too have been struggling, again, the last few days have been misery. Have not slept well in years, probably never will again. Get to where I think I am doing well and BAM something triggers and I spiral down. Will I ever feel “good” enough, get my joy back, feel like tackling a big project? None of this was ever an issue before. Talked with a friend the other day who does not know about this and she went on about how I am the most amazing person, strong and determined and fun that she has ever met. Boy, did that hit hard, as I feel none of that anymore. Guess I have done a good job of smiling on the outside, dying on the inside. Reading all of your posts and the responses from other betrayed women helps also. Hugs to you all. Onward and upward to you all.
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Oh, Deb, I am so sorry. It seems it will never completely go away, but we do need to learn to live in our new reality. You are such a sweet, kind and gentle soul. That is what is important. I send you lots of {hugs}. I often think of you and your horses as I have heard so much about the healing spirit of those amazing animals. You smile on the outside because you are so giving and you don’t want to bring anyone down. Take good care of yourself as you are an amazing lady deserving of at least as much happiness for yourself as you give out to others. ❤
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Big hug. Going down that path, no matter how well we redirect the juggernaut, always seems to affect my ability to get to sleep, too. I haven’t slept a full eight hours in over six years, although the patterns are far better than they were the first couple of years where I could go days without getting any shut-eye sometimes. I think one of the most damaging aspects of affairs (sex addiction or not) is that awful ripping away of self esteem from the faithful partner. I had good self esteem, too. But not now. As our MC said, “not good enough runs the show now, and you need to change the message, a very difficult thing to do.” I doubt at my age I will ever feel pretty enough, thin enough, clever enough, rich enough (lol, something that holds no interest for Roger, so, WTF?) etc. I screamed at him once in that first year, “you’ve reduced me to the insecure, preening teenage girl I never was, you utter prick!” I fucking hate that.
Can’t wait to follow your build, and your renovation!
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I am getting really excited for our upcoming projects as well, but even that brings anxiety and sleepless nights. Once they begin the build I will cry tears of joy, I’m sure of it. We have been working on this beach house process since two days BEFORE d-day. During that time, we picked a property with a 1928 fixer on it, purchased it, had it pulled out from under us, almost gave up on the dream, grabbed up the last piece of beach front property on this stretch of the Pacific Ocean when it suddenly came back on the market two weeks after losing the other house, oversaw the plans for our 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bath beach house dream which has taken over a year now. The permits are all in and they are scheduled to begin the foundation on 7/27. Sometimes patience pays off… almost 19 months of patience. So exciting!!!
And yes, I have said the same thing to Blue Eyes, he turned me into the insecure teen I never was. I never thought anyone could do that. Well, this is a temporary glitch in my road. I believe in the goodness in me and fuck it if other people judge me for how I look… that’s on them, not on me. I ❤ myself and I ❤ you too, Paula. You are amazingly beautiful inside and out. I fucking hate all of this. {hugs}!
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My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me, so that didn’t help. That’s why I started dating so early on. I was desperate for a man to tell me I was pretty. I have days where I feel pretty, and days where I feel like a fat assed bucket of chicken that’s gone past its due date. It’s natural for women to feel this way, but I guess when your husband is unfaithful, it’s unavoidable.
My sleep has been crazy. Do u know I don’t think I’ve had a really good night sleep in two years. We need to learn how to develop better sleep patterns. Try having a hot bath, then a hot drink. That makes me drowsy. Maybe you can take a nice long nap.
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I think men get really good at making excuses for their abhorrent behavior. I know feeling like we weren’t good enough is a natural reaction, but it does need to be squashed quickly. No matter how many times a day Blue Eyes tells me how much he loves me and how attracted to me he is, the doubts creep in because his actions seemed to say otherwise. I have never ever had low self esteem and I don’t plan to start now.
In order to be fully functioning, I need sleep. I have always required 7-8 hours to be at my best. Going without enough sleep or going too long between meals and I get edgy and ungrounded and mean sometimes. I would love to take a bath, but our main bathroom is in desperate need of remodeling and the jetted tub in there is huge. It takes forever to fill and is too large to really be comfortable. Honestly, four people could take a bath in there comfortably, at the same time. Our bath remodel begins in two months… by the middle of October, I will have that wonderful soaking tub I have been dreaming of. Maybe our hotel in Victoria will have a nice tub 🙂 . I find it difficult to nap and when I do get in a nap, I really can’t get to sleep at night. Today I may just fall asleep anyway as I am so sleepy…
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Oooh please do before and after pics of your bath tub remodel, I bet it’s going to be gorgeous!
I hope u get to catch up on that rest!
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I’m also going to start a beach house construction blog… they are supposed to “break ground” on 7/27. That will be fun too. 🙂
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Oh excellent, that is going to be so exciting!
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