What was he thinking

Somehow my exercise playlist on my iPhone disappeared. It probably happened with a recent update. I have always had trouble with iTunes. I had already started up the elliptical when I realized I didn’t have a decent playlist to listen to. I set the thing to shuffle. As I was winding down my 35 minute fat burning routine, Brandi Carlile’s The Story started to play. This is a song both Blue Eyes and I have on our playlists. We separately purchased the song years ago. At one point (long before d-day) we were in a taxi cab in some city somewhere, I can’t remember where, and Blue Eyes was once again glued to his mobile phone. When I glanced over at him, I think he felt a bit guilty and he said, “I have a song I want you to listen to… ” and he started to play The Story. I kind of chuckled and said, “yeah, I have that song too. I like it.”

The strange thing about him having that song, however, is that it is not really his “type” of music. Blue Eyes is all about The Beatles, The Stones, retro 60’s stuff, classic rock. His newer additions might include a Cold Play song or two. Post d-day I introduced him to Imagine Dragons and he likes their music, but he’s not into Pop and indeed when the radio is on in the car, he will always choose NPR or nothing at all. I have everything in my music library from Adele to Led Zeppelin, Prince to 50 Cent, Dixie Chicks to Andrea Bocelli, Pink!, Pink Floyd, to Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robot. When in the car by myself, I turn the radio on and tune to the nearest pop station and that is how, over the past two years, I have glommed on to such heartbreaking songs as Sam Smith’s ‘I’m Not the Only One,’ Ed Sheeran’s ‘Photograph,’ A Great Big World’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else.’ Exactly two years ago today after meeting a real estate friend at a Starbucks close by our house to discuss the feasibility of us purchasing a 1928 fixer upper at the coast (we all know that deal fell through), five days post d-day, functioning in a haze of shock and horror, I sat in my car and bawled my head off to ‘Say Something.’ Miraculously now, on any given day, I can listen to any song and not break down. Progress.

Yesterday as I was listening to the words of The Story, I thought about what Blue Eyes was thinking when he listened to that song. This doesn’t make me upset anymore, or cry, or become angry. I think because I do not understand (and will never really understand) how this person that I thought I knew was leading a secret life, I will always have these thoughts pop into my head… how could he do what he did? How could he live a secret life? What was he thinking?

Lyrics
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true… I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true… I was made for you

Oh yeah, well it’s true… that
I was made for you…

Blue Eyes texted me shortly before I climbed off the elliptical. I texted him back that I had just finished my workout and the last song to play was The Story. He commented back that the song will always make him think about how broke I was at university and how we eventually managed to scrape together enough money to send me over to Japan and how happy he was to see my face when he greeted me at Osaka airport. That all happened in 1986. I thought about this for a bit, and frankly, I didn’t believe him. The Story came out in 2007. He began his long term relationship with the last OW Spring 2005. He took her to Japan with him Spring 2008.

I texted him back:

“I will always think about how I was the one that was always there for you and yet I wasn’t the one you shared with. You shared your secret with her.”

I am not a drama queen. These words, right here…

No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do

mean something.

At the time, the only person who knew what he was really capable of, the person who knew his secret, was the OW. The only person. That fact will never change. So what was he really thinking when he listened to that song and decided to download it? I will never really know. I am not sure it matters at this point because he is a different person, however, my mind will always seek out the truth and for every time I feel like I don’t get it, there will be a little empty spot inside me. Not earth shattering, not heart breaking any more, it just is what it is. My new reality.

20 thoughts on “What was he thinking

    • So sorry you are on the betrayal trauma journey. Thanks for visiting and validating my words. Knowing that there was another woman (a very unworthy woman at that) who knew something about my husband that I did not know, will always break my heart. xxx

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    • Yeah, the emotions are tough to master. They come at you from all different angles, sometimes without warning… fear, anger, sadness, pain, frustration, humiliation, loneliness… somehow I arrived at a place where I am actually quite numb to a lot of the emotions now. I like to feel like I am handling them, but who knows. I try not to think about it too much anymore, just live day to day. I started yoga today and it felt good. Hard, but good. xoxo

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  1. Gurgh. I’m pretty sure the betrayer will never get it. Even when they’re trying to be sweet, trying to make stuff romantic… It just triggers us to think… This is junk they dropped on their affair partner too. Full of shit. Ugh.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yep, it’s part of the messed up reality that is betrayal. Hearing words come out of his mouth and having them ring so hollow to me is definitely a huge consequence of being a fucking liar and cheat. That will probably never go away.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I haven’t left mine yet, but this is the part I can’t handle. He is actually super awesome husband guy, a lot. So… Even if he promises to change.. I fell for this shit for so long and he’s obviously really good at being a completely other person. Nothing rings true. Nothing. NOTHING.

        Liked by 1 person

          • I admire the people who do. I am shoring myself up to leave. I can’t stay. It will lead to more of my life further into life with him… And no
            Change on his part. I am still… Fairly young. I have no kids. I have a good job. I am tired of feeling like I’m the one failing when I’m actually the only one here who does any work. I’m better than that. He would just hide it more. Fuck it. He isn’t the person he pretends to be

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            • I get it, I really do. We all make decisions based on our unique circumstances. Either way, it’s not easy. It sounds like you have made a good choice for you. The waiting has got to be causing you some stress though. I hope you have closure soon. I have read many blogs and comments of people being completely happy with their new life once they excise the cheater. xxx

              Liked by 1 person

        • I am struggling with this exact thing. Just had a melt down last week about nhaving trouble believing and trusting. But we have been living in different states which is like walking on thin ice for our healing. I pray for strength and trust every day. If it is still attainable. What a journey this is.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oh wow. The mental anguish. I’m sorry. That sounds so hard. Are you apart on purpose or because of work stuff? I would find that impossible to trust, and would either demand proximity or take the inability to be close as a defining point of why continuing the relationship is… Also doomed. I’m around plenty And he can’t keep his shit to himself. If I was far away? Forget about it.

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          • So sorry, Deb, that you have to be apart and that it is still so difficult. I hope you are able to attain the trust you desire by him earning it back. Regardless, I pray for your strength, wherever your journey takes you. ❤

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      • They established long ago that they would have no secrets. I really like her husband (even though he’s just another “fucking firefighter” – per Loser.) He’s an incredibly bright man and she is just as bright. I think they really enjoy each other and it makes my heart sing.

        Liked by 2 people

        • That’s wonderful. Hopefully as the years progress, they both do keep that promise to each other. Life throws a lot of curveballs. It is fun to still believe in honesty and integrity after what we’ve been through, especially for our kids. Anything that makes your heart sing, is indeed a good thing! ❤

          Liked by 2 people

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