First there was the earth shattering revelation that my husband had cheated on me. Repeatedly.
Then there was the pain, the shock, the confusion, the heartache, and the continued torture of hearing all the things he had done that broke apart my world.
Then there was me, falling to the ground in agony. There was me trying to metabolize the betrayal and coming face to face with the reality that my husband, a broken and selfish person who rationalized a destructive secret life despite the potential consequences, stole my life story away from me.
Then there was me pretending to be okay. Me trying to fit into the world, trying to fit into my marriage, trying to be the caretaker I was trained to be, when what I really wanted was for someone to take care of me.
Then there was the realization that no one could help me out of the hole I was in and no one was coming to save me.
Then there was me mobilizing myself, slowly healing myself, learning to live in my new reality.
Then there was me realizing nothing anyone does, not even my husband, can destroy me, and then there was me, letting go of the pain.
Then there was me writing my new life story.
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An unlikely source posted this recently on their Facebook page:
I actually just posted the above in a comment on Sunshine’s blog and realized I wanted to share it here too. As I travel this journey post discovery, I realize it is important for me to remain true to who I am and for me to let go of any lingering feelings I might have that I can help fix anyone. As often as I have said it, I still find myself thinking somehow something I do or say will help someone else be better, do better. But in truth, I can only help myself. We are all responsible for our own fixing. It’s okay to let it all go.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Love this Kat…it’s true. No matter how hard we work, we really work only on ourselves. The rest is up to them … and up to God. 😊
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Yep. I honestly don’t think we ever thought we could change them, right? And clearly our wonderfulness was not enough to keep them sober, but the fear of not really knowing who they are or what they are capable of does keep us extra vigilant. Trust takes a long time to earn back meanwhile they have a lot of work to do and we have a lot of healing to tackle. I learned a big lesson about assuming that because I behave a certain way, he would too… and the double whammy of feeling invalidated and trying to figure out who we actually married. Big lesson, still learning! xo
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This is brilliant!
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❤
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Kat, your blog has helped me so much and this edition is no exception. Your feelings and journey have so mirrored my own. It has felt so good to not feel alone in this. I still struggle with the :”how could my husband have been so stupid” stuff and of course my urge is to “enlighten” him as to just how stupid he was. Then I remember, his choices were made from a place of brokenness and not cleverness. I can only “enlighten” myself. Speaking of which, I had some minor outpatient surgery done on Friday. Something I have been putting off for (gasp) 20 yrs. Partly out of fear of the process, but also because there never seemed to be a good time to take off to have it done. I never wanted to inconvenience anyone in my life. ha! A lot of good that did me, lol. Well, I decided to put me first. The result was I found the perfect surgeon and medical team. The surgery went so well. I recuperated over the week end and feel fantastic. I plan to go shopping today and will return to work tomorrow, a week ahead of schedule, but only because I feel so good. Thanks
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Love this quote….”Then I remember, his choices were made from a place of brokenness and not cleverness. I can only “enlighten” myself.”
That is spot on! It reminds me of when my therapist told me that his behaviors had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how broken he is/was. Thanks for the reminder!
Yes, Kat has enriched all our lives!
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I am so glad you put yourself first and that you feel good. I know I always thought putting myself first meant neglecting everyone else’s needs. I have since learned that I was wrong. xoxo
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Oh, and I also love the same words of yours that Kit has quoted. So true, not clever, just broken. The thing that has allowed me to stay is the knowing in the deepest parts of me that he was not trying to replace me or our life together, but in fact trying to fill big gaping empty broken holes in himself. I am sad that I never was able to fill those holes, but that is kind of the reason for this post. I was never meant to. ❤
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Letting go… it sounds so easy, but mastery of this is a journey.
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A journey of a lifetime… ❤
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Kat, I so love this! Here we are, writing our new life story. You say you can only help yourself but please know your words have helped me these past few years. Thank you! Hugs!! Kit
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I can write out my story and if someone relates or it helps someone in the smallest of ways, that warms my heart. Many have done the same for me, including you. I continue to do what I do, and write what I write, for me, and it helps. The fact that I can connect with others in this way, through this blog, is a blessing to me. It is like icing on the cake… Mmm, cake! 🙂 xoxo
I can’t wait to see you again and give you real hugs! ❤
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