Other than hurtful words that have carelessly been uttered from my husband’s own mouth, and I knew he didn’t want to hurt me further, but he did, because healing is a long and arduous process for a recovering addict and every single day for him is plagued with shame and self doubt… I would have to say THE most destructive aspect of this entire betrayal/infidelity/cheating husband predicament for me, approximately three years in now, is the fucking words on the internet written by self proclaimed mistresses. There is absolutely no sense whatsoever to be attached to why I would still read any of this drivel, and generally I don’t. Honestly, I have never before in my life heard so much of the same deluded rhetoric as on these blogs and in these articles written by “other women.” Of course I have no business being on these sites and/or reading any of it. But dammit, it still happens somehow. I see a link somewhere when I have googled something generally unrelated and I cannot stop watching the freak show play out in front of me. I cannot stop the train from barreling down the tracks. I cannot stop myself from hoping beyond hope that there is at least one mistress out there who actually understands the level of self denial and rationalization she is embracing when she enters into such a destructive “relationship.” I do believe that any woman that would enter a relationship with a taken man is a masochist who suffers from low self esteem. The odds for their success are just so low. And even if they do “get their man,” the man is an unreformed lying cheater (at best). Who really wants that? Never mind.
And no, I do not buy into the whole “she is faultless because she made no promises to the wife. The husband is solely to blame.” The husband IS solely to blame for his part in it, and she is totally to blame for her part in it. “It” being the lies they tell themselves and each other to justify a dark, dirty, sexual secret. If these relationships are so fucking great, why are they secret? Why doesn’t he just leave his awful wife for the wonderfully perfect mistress. Yeah. I know. It doesn’t make any sense to me either. Wake up ladies.
I was having a conversation with The Peacemaker in the kitchen earlier today and we were discussing a specific case, of a specific mistress blogger that I found very early on (who I will not call out here, she already has enough hits on her pitiful blog). I haven’t read her blog in over 18 months and I don’t intend to go back to it now, but her story goes back nearly five years and I read about three years worth during my darkest days. The conversation all started with one of The Peacemaker’s high school friends having recently had a “boob job.” He was so shocked when he saw her. He considered her beyond beautiful before her surgery. Now he just wonders why? The girls he knows that have slim bodies and large breasts are already complaining about back pain… and they are in their early 20’s. Why would someone willingly subject themselves to the inevitable pain? I told him a lot of women do it to make themselves feel more attractive. Of course women have breast augmentation and breast surgery for any number of reasons, but in many cases, it is because they think larger breasts make them more attractive to men. It was a foreign concept to him. To be honest, despite who their father is, both my boys are pretty down to earth, and practical. I guess not too terribly surprising since I did 80% of the parenting. Somehow something he said reminded me of that mistress blogger and how the words on her blog literally bled unhappiness, self loathing, and depression. Somehow knowing she is now miserable does not make me feel any better about her story because while she was in an affair with a married man 20 years her senior, she waxed on and on about why the guy was cheating with her. You know… the wife doesn’t have sex with him and the mistress is a sexual goddess (at this point, knowing what I know about my husband’s three mistresses, I find this laughable and pathetic and I don’t think ours is an isolated case), he won’t leave her because he doesn’t want to break up the family, it’s so expensive to divorce, blah, blah, blah. Lies. When he finally dumped her (the mistress blogger), which was inevitable because their relationship was dirty and secret and those “stolen moments” were spent in her bed, not in public. Not to mention her description of him reminded me a lot of my own husband, a diagnosed sex addict. It was not a real relationship, HELLO! So pretty quickly on the heals of being dumped, and acknowledging that the guy who was cheating with her, was probably cheating ON her with other women, not to mention his own wife, she went about posting pictures of herself in skimpy lingerie (obscuring her face, of course, because these are all anonymous blogs) accentuating her breasts, bending forward and shoving them together to give her maximum cleavage. There were no words, just picture after picture of her in lingerie she must have purchased for her trysts with a married man. At that point I realized it was truly a big waste of my time to be following this woman’s story. There is no way to convince women that they have seriously missed the mark when they think their cup size and how they look in lingerie represents their worth to society. There just isn’t. Turning that one on its head takes years and years of good therapy.
This evening, as I was checking my yahoo email, a link to an article popped up in the news window. The title was ’10 Terrible Truths Your Husband’s Mistress Wants You to Know.’ Scary, right? It’s almost like the internet is reading my mind and listening to conversations I am having with my son. Fucking scary. Anyway, the article starts out by saying how much worse the whole married man/mistress/wife fiasco is for the mistress than it is for the wife, and beyond that, the 10 terrible truths are just so ridiculous and hurtful and delusional I refuse to link to any of it here. But… for those of us who are trying to forgive, and move on, and make a life with men who made mistakes, or are in recovery, or whatever, the article is beyond hurtful. They throw out things like… “biology defeats monogamy,” “the cheating fuels his Madonna-prostitute complex,” “he gets things he does not and cannot get from you… and “he will never be the same again.” Seriously? Oh brother, get a life. Get your own husbands for that matter. And by the way, here are their suggestions for us pathetic wives: “Keep yourself healthy and sexy for him.” “Know that the man of the house needs to feel in power.” “Keep challenging yourself in the bedroom.” Nobody actually believes this bullshit, right? Right?
This “article” harkens back to the archaic concept that all a wife needs to do to keep her husband from straying is to have more sex with him. This kind of advice is destructive and just plain wrong. If a man is cheating on his wife, HE has major issues that he needs to deal with or, as one commenter says, “Alternatively, you can kick his lying, unfaithful ass to the curb.” We all have that choice.
I am making yet another vow to myself not to read these kinds of blogs/articles in the future because they just light my fuse. But damn if I don’t keep hoping that this crazy world we live in will start making sense one of these days. Is it just me, or is delusion the new normal?