Five Years

/ CrazyKat1963

WordPress just wished me a Happy Anniversary. It’s been five years since I started this blog.

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This story began with a phone call.

That phone call was from a woman who wanted to punish me for my husband’s bad acts.

Discovery Day: January 11, 2014. That’s the day I started ferociously journaling, attempting to off load some of the poison that was coursing through my body. To try and exorcise some of the debilitating images infiltrating my mind, I wrote and wrote and wrote. My story spilled out of me fast and ferocious, for months. The words have slowed, the pain has deadened, but the circumstances are the same. My life was changed forever on that day.

When I frantically googled every imaginable thing I could post discovery, “why do people have affairs,” “why women have relationships with taken men,” “betrayed wife,” “cheating husband,” I found a lot of betrayed wife blogs. Those spoke to me in an intimate way, but didn’t begin to answer my questions once my husband was diagnosed as a sex addict. I am forever grateful to the bloggers who stuck with me even though their husbands are not sex addicts. There’s a compassionate camaraderie amongst the spouses of cheaters. Our stories are different, but our pain is much more similar.

I also found a bunch of mistress blogs. Those hurt my heart.

I did quickly realize that I wasn’t finding anyone with a story quite like mine. There were a handful of articles written by or about wives of sex addicts, and a couple somewhat defunct blogs written by wives of sex addicts, but really not much that aligned with what I was learning about sex addiction, and specifically sex addiction induced trauma (SAIT). I journaled for nearly nine straight months, day after day, before getting up the nerve to put my story out into the blogosphere. I am forever grateful for the day I started this blog.

I have thought about starting a new blog, a travel (one of my life’s passions) blog, but instead, I keep coming back here to share my life because addiction in general and sex addiction more specifically to my story, doesn’t just go away. Living with an addict, even a recovering addict, is not something I signed up for, but I got it anyway. So I write, and it helps me.

So here on my blog, on this 5th anniversary of inception, I’m sharing with you all, that I am writing a book. This will NOT be a self-help book. I like sharing my story, and creating bonds with other betrayed spouses, wives of sex addicts, and anyone else with the inclination to reach out to me through this blog, but I don’t feel in the least bit qualified to assist others in a formal way, on their journey through betrayal. It also won’t be a book of non-fiction and it won’t be specifically about sex addiction. The book I am committing to here, because you guys are great accountability partners, is a book of fiction. I’m writing a murder mystery. Sex addiction will factor in, because, well, they say write what you know, right? Anyway, I’m hopefully embarking on an endeavor that will fill a need in me, in a more formal way, a need to write, and I’m trying to do it in a way that will keep me focused. I don’t need another assignment or chore on my plate. I want something that sparks my interest and feeds my brain.

To be honest, I’ve started three books already and they sit. I work on them every once in a while because I do love to write, but they are more about the pain specific to my life… one is about my relationship with my mother-in-law. I started writing down that story years ago. My mom suggested I write out my pain and frustration with my husband’s mother and all that she is and has done that affects me, to get it out of me, the poison. Thanks, mom! When I finish it, if I publish it, I don’t think I’ll publish it while she’s still alive. Then again, she may outlive me. I don’t know. I have also started my story, as the wife of a sex addict. It is being written with my life story as the catalyst, but it is also a work of fiction. I love to write and I have allotted time each day to do so.

So, Happy Blogiversary to me! Onward and upward.

37 thoughts on “Five Years”

  1. I just found your blog while I was searching for another one by a different name that I could not locate. Anyway, I identify. 47 years married to a sex addict. I didn’t know early on, but I learned about it after about 16 years of marriage. I have two blogs, and the second one is dedicated to the subject of addiction and abuse. I write from a Christian and biblical perspective. The second blog is called Walking Wounded. Anyway, just saying “hello” and letting you know I empathize with you. Oh, I think I just had 5 years, too, on Word Press.

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    • Hi Sue. Do you write about being married to a sex addict? Has he been in recovery all that time? I didn’t even know sex addiction was really acknowledged that long ago, it’s barely acknowledged today, much less accepted as real. Thank you for the visit and the hello. xoxo

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  3. Pingback: We All Have Been Betrayed But It is One of Life’s Best Lessons – Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul

  5. Congratulations, Kat. I remember the day I found your blog. I was 4 months post-D-day, June 2016, and feeling very confused. I was in therapy, attending S-anon and reading everything I could find about sex addiction. I was with my husband traveling by car. I had a speaking engagement at Lehigh U. in PA, my flight had been screwed up and he had driven me the 8 hour drive there. He stayed with me there and we were driving home together. How I got through those days is a mystery to me. The speaking engagement had been book a year in advance and I had a contract, so I went. My husband and I were not in a good place. I just didn’t know how to cope with all of it and I was getting so many confusing messages. On our trip home from Lehigh I discovered your blog on my phone, probably by googling “married to a sex addict” or some version of that. I started reading voraciously and didn’t stop until I had read every entry. Then I went back and re-read every entry. Your writing spoke to me in a way that nothing else had. As you know, I’ve been reading ever since.

    I am so thrilled that you are writing a book, and even more excited that it’s fiction. How exciting! I also read the Wednesday Group and found it scary at the time I read it. It was hitting home in too many ways.
    I think I’ll go back and re-read it just to see how I feel about it now. I desperately wanted all the women to have a happy ending, and of course, they don’t. I felt too scared then to admit I might not have a happy ending either. I read another fiction, SA, book, In the Shadow of Sin: Confessions of a Sex Addict.by Dee Jordan which is very poorly written. Trust me, you write much better. What is amazing is that this book has received mostly 5 star ratings on Amazon from the people who have read it. An the author has written a few other books, but this one is her most popular. Anyway, congratulations on your blog and on your new adventure as a book author. Wow!!!!
    .

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    • Thank you, Maggie. Those first few months are so so traumatic. I honestly didn’t recognize myself. I’m glad you were able to find some solace through this blog. It was never my intent to connect that way, because I honestly didn’t know any other women going through it, and didn’t know there were so many out there, or that there would be so many more women suffering this way. I just told my story as an outlet for the pain.

      I am so grateful though for the bloggers who helped me through the first couple years. Even the bloggers who denied sex addiction and encouraged me to leave my husband. Even the ones who formally left because of my self harm. They all taught me a lot. They helped me metabolize what I was going through, and my feelings towards my husband. I did question my own sanity some days, and I did become stronger. I’m a stubborn person (you have figured that out 😉), but I’m also thoughtful, and introspective, and empathetic. I hope that comes across. I really am grateful for this space.

      I know we will meet in person one day! I can’t wait for that day! In the meantime, I write! ❤️

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  6. I love your blog, and your insight, and I often refer people to your blog and Blackacre’s from some of the sites I interact with. I look forward to reading yiur book my friend, but I do think you should use some of your blog for s book. People would find it so helpful to have, I am sure of that. ❤️

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    • Thank you Rosie! 💜 Maybe I will find a way to publish the blog someday. Although it is technically chronological, it will need to be cleaned up. And it’s SO LONG. 😁 I’m excited to hear how your book takes off. Congrats on publishing! Did you self publish, or go with a publishing company? I’m so far from worrying about that, but it is interesting information. 🤗

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  7. Where do I sign up to go on book tour with you? I’m sure you are going to hit all of the most amazing places. 🙂

    But seriously, I’m very appreciative of you still being here and continuing to write. You were a lifeline for me when I needed one, and the more partner voices out there, the better off newcomers to our group will be.
    xo

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    • Oh my, book tours, I still need to write the first chapter, lol! I agree, I’ve never tried to make my blog more visible, but it seems people find it and for that I am grateful. It has honestly helped me so much in this process having this venue to talk it out, day by day. I’m thankful there’s a safe place.

      I’m shocked when followers tell me they have read my entire blog, I’m approaching 500 posts. That’s a lot to get through. Some have suggested I just publish the whole blog, but it’s right here, for anyone who wants to slog through it, so no point in putting it to paper, so to speak. This blog serves its purpose, but I do think I’ll have more fun with fiction. xo

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  8. So that means I have been here almost 5 years. I can’t believe how much my life has changed since then.

    One thing I know for sure is how much you have helped me understand that it would have been the biggest mistake of my life to ask for or pursue more from my friend. Every time I thought there might be a chance of having more, it seemed like almost magically you’d post something or I’d remember something you said that forced me to accept reality. Reality that he is an addict of some kind (or maybe more than one) and I would be a fucking moron to knowingly choose to enter a relationship with an addict. Reality that the never ending drama and chaos of his life would become a burden to me, and that I am not that masochistic to choose that. Those things have been hard to keep in front of my mind at times, because as you said a few days ago I do care about him; his childhood story (of what I know, and I am certain there is crap I don’t know) is pretty much identical to BE’s. And I am the empath who wishes I could love that child in a way that would heal him. But again your story reminds me constantly that is a fantasy.

    xoxo
    and by the way Happy and Healthy New Year to your family.

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    • L’Shana Tovah to you, B. Such a special time of year. I know it holds a lot of meaning for you. I remember.

      Crazy it has been five years, right? I’m glad that my story, in some small way, could help you find clarity in yours. This is not fun. The whole ordeal of finding out my partner is an addict, and then living with him through recovery and the loss of his drug has been hell. No two ways about it. You know why I stay, but I could not in good conscience recommend this path to anyone. It’s a daily grind and if I thought my husband was still sharing intimate moments with other women, I would walk. That kind of neediness just doesn’t mix with what I need in my life. One day at a time. After all these years, I do know that I cannot fix my sister, or my husband, or anyone. Things have calmed way down, but that doesn’t negate the fact that addiction is a bitch and a half, and happily ever after as a marital concept is most often a fairytale. ❤

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  9. I have been reading your blog for about 2 1/2 years. One of the ladies in my SA partner group told me about it about six months into my own nightmare. I devoured your early story as it mirrored a lot of my own life story – married about the same length of time with two boys about the same age as yours. I loved your writing style. You said what I wanted to say in a better way than I could say it. October 1st was the three year anniversary of the day the SA bomb dropped into my life and your blog was one of the things that has helped me navigate through my deep pain.
    Happy Anniversary and thank you!

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    • Hi Lucy63. Thank you for your comment. It helps me so much to know that what I write helps others in some small way. Feeling less alone, I think, is critical to the healing process. Just as our husbands find out they are not alone in what they have done, it’s important we don’t feel isolated in the nightmare we have been cast into. Even though most of the early commenters on this blog were not wives of SAs, I knew they knew the pain, and that was huge. There is this underlying theme in the media that somehow cheating is a symptom of a bad marriage or a bad spouse. It’s just wrong. Likewise I didn’t “know” or have a “feeling” that my husband was cheating. That’s a running theme as well. Even if I wasn’t to blame, I somehow knew? What is this blame the victim mentality? I probably sound like a broken record because I am simply dumbfounded by the idea of it. I didn’t know and I wasn’t to blame and my husband needed serious help. We have a real community here on the blogs now and although it is not a community any of us would have dreamed of belonging to (in our worst nightmares), I’m thankful it’s here. xo

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  10. Not happy for your reason you are here but so glad to have found you.
    I’ve recently started a story too. Fiction but more autobiographical. Some elements are what I wished I would have done. I’ve toyed with the idea of it being a murder mystery where the mistress ends up dead (something I wished for early on but don’t anymore). The wife is the obvious suspect but not guilty type thing. Like you, writing helps me and I enjoy it. If I can turn some of this pain into something positive that helps me and maybe someone else then it’s good stuff.
    Excited to see where this path takes you!

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    • I think we all had the dead mistress fantasy at one point or another. It’s only natural as they are part and parcel to the trauma that was inflicted on us. A lot of people have used writing as an outlet for the pain and have been very successful at it. I just really enjoy writing and don’t always want to be writing about painful things so I’m going off in a different direction for now. I think writing is a really positive outlet. Thanks for the encouragement. xo

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  12. I have not read a fiction book with sex addiction as part of it, assuming you don’t count the old James Bond novels. This is really exciting! I look forward to reading it one day. And congrats on 5 years! WordPress really should give you a watch or something.

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    • Five years doesn’t seem all that long to have a blog, but five years of a betrayed wife/wife of a sex addict blog that is still current, that’s a little more obscure.

      I read a book early on in this process called Boulevard by Stephen Jay Schwartz about an LA Detective who is a sex addict. It was okay. I have done the outline for mine and it revolves around a sex addiction group and a serial killer. It’s more fun for me to do straight fiction. Non-fiction is much more emotionally draining. I also read a fiction book about a group of wives of sex addicts called The Wednesday Group written by Sylvia True. You might find it interesting. I wrote a blog entry in 2015 reviewing it. https://trynottocryonmyrainbow.com/2015/07/16/a-book-report-the-wednesday-group/

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