Triggered

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Actor Jamie Dornan in ‘The Fall’

This past week I finished watching the television series called The Fall (2013-2016). I watched it all the way through over a few weeks time. It is dark, and intense. The story of a serial killer (Jamie Dornan) in Belfast, Ireland, and the detective (Gillian Anderson) brought in to track him down. It was a bit of psychological warfare for me, watching this series. I don’t want to spoil it for those watching or going to watch the series, so I will just say that the serial killer, played by Irish actor Jamie Dornan (same guy from the 50 shades movies, although I have never watched them) eerily reminded me of my youngest brother. I mean REALLY reminded me of my brother. The look, including the beard, and the mannerisms, ugh, this made the whole thing difficult. Jamie and my brother are roughly the same age, same build, very similar eyes… I’m still a bit unhinged. Watching the final couple episodes this past Friday night about did me in. I could feel the old feelings of anxiety creeping in, the post traumatic stress, the shaking, the racing heart, the feeling of needing to flee. I fought to stay present and it really affected me.

Not only did I struggle with feeling like I was watching my sweet brother as a sadistic serial killer, but in the last episodes they delve into the character’s psychological dysfunction, going back to early childhood, and… his relationship with his mother. This left me thinking about Blue Eyes and all his shit. The character in this TV series is a family man, married, father of two. He looks very normal. This is not a spoiler. The series follows the serial killer from the very beginning. You see clearly his two sides. I slept fitfully and those very disturbed feelings stayed with me into Saturday. Blue Eyes and I took a drive over to the beach house. On the drive I was left with that mind numbing question in my head… how could he do it? How could Blue Eyes be two different people. Obviously he’s not a serial killer, but he still had a sad, secret life driven by some serious psychological issues that allowed him to rationalize horrible behavior.

I asked him in the car, for maybe the thousandth time, how could he do it. How can a person lie every single day to their loyal and loving spouse. How can you lead a double life for so many years. How can you do things that you know will absolutely destroy your life partner’s sense of safety and security. He knew what he was doing was wrong and so hurtful. He knew he was stealing time from us, and creating dysfunctional sexual relationships based on some inner demon he refused to name. He wasn’t raping and killing women with his uncontrollable urges, obviously, but he was doing things he knew to be destructive, devastating really. And he somehow rationalized it. This is that I get it, NO I DON’T GET IT, part of reconciling my husband’s sex addiction with what I thought was my reality for 30 years. This is so fucking difficult to metabolize. What was he thinking? What was going through his head? He did a lot of hiding and lying and betraying. I know he felt “shame,” but what else did he feel. Why did he think he did it? How did he rationalize it?

He says he didn’t know why he did it and that he was determined I would never find out. But there is something really wrong with a person who can go day after day rationalizing  lying about such a significant part of his life, and then orchestrating the reveal of the secret life without even thinking about what that would do to me. I know he was scared, felt shameful, blah, blah, blah, worried about what would happen to him, but was he thinking about me, at all. Thinking of what my reaction would be, what the consequences would be to me when he didn’t answer her phone call. He kept her a secret for more than eight years. Fifteen years of grooming and cheating. Did he ever wonder what would actually happen when his secrets were revealed? I don’t think he did. I think he only thought about how it would affect him. He would lose his secret sex life and feel overwhelming shame, more shame, or whatever. But I honestly don’t think he thought seriously about the devastation he would cause ME.

In the show, it’s interesting how the wife responds when she finds out the truth about her husband. Those feelings of knowing you lived with a person for years not really knowing who they were.

14 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. On the serious downside, it was triggering that your brother looks like a serial killer. That had to be tough. On the plus side (’cause let’s make a wee bit of lemonade here) you’ve apparently got a totally hot brother who looks like Jamie Dornan. lol
    ❤️
    As for BE… we’ll never understand because we just aren’t made that way. It’s beyond understanding or any reasonable explanation. Yes, the addiction plays a role, but it’s not a get out of jail free card. As Dr. M said to me “If only they were as addicted to their integrity as they were to their drug of choice… .”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I know the images of Jamie Dornan in that series will fade away and I will go back to looking at my brother as just my brother, but it is creepy. I chose the photo above as the one I thought looked least like him, probably because of the strange look on his face, but BE took one look at the photo without reading the post and said, wow, he looks so much like your brother. I tried not to talk about it too much, because, ew. I also know it’s the role he was playing, the mannerisms of that particular character because I saw a clip from 50 shades of something or other and I didn’t even think about my brother. It’s the way he moves and everything. Ugh. My brother is actually adorable, handsome, and pretty sure not a serial killer at all. But again, we never really know people (he would be appalled if he saw this). Anyway…. yeah, for me he doesn’t even have to be ADDICTED to his integrity, just having some would be awesome. xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Agreed. Any time I catch glimpses of integrity I praise him as one does with a child. I get that Im trying to overcome 2 decades of bad parenting and 3 more decades of acting with impunity, but I have hope for some reason. 🤷🏼‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it is a reasonably simple answer. It is not possible to fully, truly understand “compartmentalization” for most people, both those who don’t compartmentalize as well as those who do. I think it is like breathing for some people…not conscious, not intentional, and maybe not possible to stop. I had a lot of childhood trauma but I am not a compartmentalizer for some reason. You have to be a compartmentalizer to do what people like BE do. Maybe it’s like addiction where there is a biological component plus a circumstantial/environmental component and the two have to exist in order to cause the behavior. I certainly think compartmentalization is a coping behavior like addictions.
    There is a horrifying series in the Times right now about child porn and the internet. One of the shocking things in that story is the theory that it is biological, caused by something that happens in utero. Is it possible that all deviant behavior has a similar contributing factor?
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, that all makes sense, B. I had my share of childhood stuff but have somehow managed to navigate much better than my BPD sister. I had developed some of my personality traits prior to the break up our parents’ marriage. I was born to a couple who although very young, still very much loved each other. My sister was born into a terrible marital situation with verbal and physical abuse towards our mother (in utero), and then, every other weekend as a toddler, was taken away from our mother and made to spend time with a woman she instinctively knew didn’t belong to us.

      Totally traumatizing. My personality was further shaped by the situation into someone who learned to take care of others, but her personality was shaped by the trauma of it all. I think she would have described her own behavior as deviant for years. Just two different children, very different ages, dumped into the same unfortunate situation with two completely different outcomes. But it does go to show how that nurture part of child conception/birth/rearing is critical to how a person develops. I could, but I’m not going to get political here about how important it is for children not to be forced into this world, unwanted. Thanks for sharing, B. xo

      Like

  3. He’s a very good actor. I saw some of this a while back, and got distracted and never got back to it.

    Triggers are constant. Everywhere. I’m so glad BE still copes with you talking and querying. I got told I was never going to get over it, and I needed to stop. I tried to let him know that what he did to me (“I didn’t do it to you, I just did it. You were not a factor….”) was a life sentence. We can never regain that innocent trust. With anyone.

    My biggest, still unanswered question is yours. How could you do this, knowing I would be devastated? Let alone the STIs he gave me…

    Liked by 2 people

    • After watching that series, I think he is an excellent actor. I don’t think I’ve seen him in anything else, but I think they were lucky to get him for those 50 shades movies. I really believed he was a serial killer. It is just frankly so disturbing how much he reminds me of my brother. Not just the looks, and he does look like him, but the mannerisms. Anyway, I need to let it go. I don’t think my brother likes the way I look at him now….

      The fact that when I do ask BE questions now, he is not afraid to answer. He takes it all very seriously. He knows it’s needed for my continued healing. If he wasn’t this way, we wouldn’t be together. I don’t think he would have ever left, but I would have. There will never be a legitimate answer to the why (and I have asked it so so many times), so mainly I just need him to go there with me in contemplating the unanswerable question. Also, he did mention he might have sociopathic tendencies and I didn’t disagree. He’s not a killer. He’s never physically harmed anyone, but mentally? His brain was messed up in childhood. He blocked out the consequences to others of his actions with the whole “you were never going to find out” line. He was still willing to orchestrate me finding out, so there’s that.

      As far as the STI’s, that is brutally unfair no matter how you look at it. Obviously that is why Rog wasn’t willing to believe she was “dirty,” because he didn’t want to take responsibility for that damage. No doubt if BE’s other woman was marketable, she would have had all the STI’s too. I guess I should be glad no one else wanted her. ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I have the same struggles, Kat. The shock of how he could actually do what he did, all the lies and filth, and then what follows the shock is utter disgust. Total yucky skin crawling stomach turning disgust. Blech 😡

    I was watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix and could see so many similarities, not in a serial killer kind of way, but in the self centredness and sociopathic disregard for humans kind of way. Absolutely zero regard for me, my body, my heart, my safety, my feelings, my trust, my children – my ANYTHING. I do feel there is a very strong connection to sociopathic behaviours even though he’s not a sociopath.

    We will never understand how they could have planned, fantasized, lusted after and followed through with acting out with anyone other than us. Part of the high for them was the deception and getting away with it. It’s just not something we will ever understand. Saything that however, we can choose to process the shock and say “yes that happened and I will never understand but I’m choosing to move forward and turn the page of that chapter I don’t understand the words of”. As you know, there will never be an answer BE could give you that would make it understandable (or acceptable). It’s like a killer explaining why they killed a totally and completely innocent person. It would never be understood by us nor would the killers reasoning with himself make sense to us because it’s not how we think or work.

    So how do you battle back? What do you tell yourself in order to calm your nervous system?

    Liked by 3 people

    • In this instance, I reminded myself that that wasn’t actually my sweet brother doing those things, and that it wasn’t actually real, but I had to take some deep breaths.

      The last couple episodes were especially traumatizing to me, but I didn’t want to leave them unwatched after I had given so much time to the series. I thought the actors did an excellent job and the story was well written and well directed, and believable (except for a couple things that happened in the last two episodes that weren’t believable to me). I felt deeply for the wife of the killer.

      In my case it took a lot of positive self talk to balance out the trauma. Obviously it stuck with me for a bit, but in our conversation in the car, BE did say, “maybe I am somewhat of a sociopath.” I think there is some truth in that for him. He was so much inside his head during the abuse of his childhood. He created some anti-social coping mechanisms and because the other part of him is so social and happy and animated, it’s a very strange dichotomy. He does have serious almost debilitating shame and remorse though, so although I believe he some tendencies, I know he is not a true sociopath. It was so very difficult for me to understand that he was capable of that secret life. I guess when I bring it up and ask him to discuss it, part of me is making sure he can and is willing to discuss it. If he wasn’t, I would be very worried. xo

      Liked by 4 people

  5. Hi Kat, I have been reading Dr Doug Weiss’ book, ‘Married and Alone.’ As I’m sure you know, he focuses on intimacy anorexia.

    It doesn’t seem like B.E has severe intimacy anorexia, but it seems that he could well have it to a lesser degree, which would explain his problems with handling ‘relationship.’

    I.A’s are relationship challenged because they are all about themselves. Like the toddler stage of counter-dependence – it is all about them and their needs and wants. Other people’s needs and wants are beyond comprehension to their ‘stuck in the toddler stage brains.’

    I’d love to hear your opinion Kat! x

    Quote-
    ‘Sexual addiction and intimacy anorexia exist in a symbiotic relationship, a sick one. The sex addiction empowers the anorexia, and the anorexia empowers the sex addiction, sex addiction being the use of sex for self-medication or as an escape from real life. Sexual addicts are unable to break their addiction to sex and often, out of shame, hide their secret sexual worlds from their spouses. Between sexual addiction and intimacy anorexia we see the common ethos of secrecy and closed hearts.’

    Quote –
    ‘Married to Themselves
    I am a champion for and true believer in marriage as demonstrated through my professional activities and my per- sonal life. I love marriage and I want the world to know! Despite my great love and admiration for marriage, then, why is this chapter one of the most challenging experiences I’ve had in my writing career?

    In short, I see the dangers to a good marriage. I see what threatens and often destroys marriage. Despite my sincere desire that every marriage succeed, I recognize the real- ity that both spouses must be healthy or working toward health. If such conditions do not exist, though, a marriage will quickly come under attack. Still, a sincere desire to move toward health can cover a multitude of sins, so to speak. Marriages riddled with addictions and trauma (for example, sex addiction, intimacy anorexia, anger, control, etc) can still become healthy, thriving marriages with the right attitude paired with some good old-fashioned hard work. In some cases, however, one person can be so selfish and so unwilling to work on his or her issues, often including intimacy anorexia, that the marriage’s survival is in danger. The danger is due to the anorexics lack of honor and devo- tion toward their marriage. In our survey involving spouses of anorexia, we asked two questions related to the issue of unfaithfulness. Now in the survey we were not addressing sexual unfaithfulness as most intimacy anorexics don’t want sex with someone other than their spouses (The exception would be the anorexic who is also a sex addict). The unfaithfulness we address in our survey is the anorexic’s failure to keep his or her wedding vow to honor, love and respect his or her spouse.

    This unfaithfulness exists when one spouse is married more to him or herself or to an addiction of choice than to his or her spouse. Intimacy anorexics love, honor, and cherish themselves and their need for safety and control.

    In the book Addicted to Adultery: The Other Reason Spouses Cheat(Discovery Press,2010), I include questions to help in- dividuals identify emotional unfaithfulness in their spouses. These questions get at the heart of the issue: does the he love me or his addiction? Does she prefer me or her selfish- ness? As you read through these questions below, listen to your gut. Then acknowledge your gut responses honestly.’

    Quote –
    Staying
    “Dr. Weiss, should I stay?” The question comes up on a reg – ular basis in my therapy sessions. The answer to that question depends on the couple and situation. It is unique from case to case.

    However the journey to answering that question starts at the beginning with what was once hoped for. So let’s start there. At the end of this journey in this chapter I will share some key thoughts to consider if your spouse is working his or her recovery.

    Are intimacy anorexics married to themselves?
    Yes. If there is a need, he will meet it very selfishly. I am treated like I don’t exist and that I have no needs. It’s all about getting his needs met immediately and now. ~Faith

    Oh for sure! He always came first. He is the most selfish and childish person I have ever met. ~Alice

    Sure. Everything revolves around him. He is unable to apolo – gize and make amends because to do so would require him to admit that he failed. He can’t see how his actions affect others; his only concern is the effect of his actions on him- self. ~Wendy

    Yes, but it’s not that clear-cut. Her behavior is pretty passiveaggressive. She gets what she wants by agreeing with my re- quests then never following through. She doesn’t know what she wants, so she can’t really give herself what she wants. She can’t ask for what she wants. There’s a Bangles song, “If she knew what she wants – he’d be giving it to her.” ~Carl

    My husband is so very selfish. One great example of his self – ishness came when I first started recovery. One day he said, “That’s nice that you are learning. But what are they teach- ing you about how to relate to me and to help me?” My response, “For so many years, it has been all about you and getting help for you and your addiction. But this isn’t about you. This is about me and getting the help I need to become a more emotionally healthy person.” ~Raina

    His needs seem to come first. I can’t say that prior to a few months ago he had much empathy at least for my needs. ~Ciara

    They are married to themselves in every way imaginable. Sex was for him and him alone. His responsibility to the fam- ily ended at providing a paycheck after which it was time for a beer and TV. Everything else was my responsibility. ~Trish

    Maybe he hasn’t technically been “un~Faithful” but then again he hasn’t been “faithful.” Sure he didn’t do the bad of cheating with another woman, but he didn’t do the good of supporting and loving me either. He wasn’t faithful to love, to protect, to care, to share, to relate. The marital covenant is to be lived out, not just promised once and then not acted upon. He has broken his promise. He has broken the covenant. If a marriage is more than just a physical sexual rela- tionship then why do we rely on that as the only evidence of a marriage promise being broken?? What about the spiritual and emotional intimacy? Do they count for nothing? No, of course not! And that is where he’s been unfaithful, in his lack of spiritual and emotional intimacy. ~Wendy

    At the same time that he wasn’t interested in sex with me, he was often masturbating while looking at porn. ~Raina

    I felt aloneness when he was into himself and tripped over himself trying to hide whatever selfish behavior he was en- meshed in. ~Ashley

    I have experienced unfaithfulness with his use of porn and masturbation. ~Ciara

    His lack of faithfulness was constant. Everything took prece- dence over me except when I was pregnant. ~Trish

    Quote –
    ‘Staying? That really is an important question. If you have gotten this far in the book, then you have read and possibly relived some painful memories. If I haven’t seen the miracle of recovery in my office week after week, year after year, decade after decade, I would give up and tell you to give up.

    However, I do see the miracle of men and women heroical – ly defeating their intimacy anorexia and become true lov- ers and cherishers of their spouse. On the flip side, I have also seen the tragedy of anorexics selfishly clinging to their intimacy anorexia, refusing to change while they continue to inflict pain on their spouses.

    In order to correctly judge your spouse’s recovery attempts, I want to present the portrait of a hero in recovery. You need this portrait in order to decide whether you should stay with your anorexic spouse based on how closely he or she matches this image of heroism in recovery. Believe behavior. Heroes’ behavior although imperfect will look like this: •

    *They initiate the 3 dailies with you daily (2 feelings, 2 prais – es and prayer). When they fail to initiate, they must complete their set consequences.

    *They initiate sex and are present during sex. If they fail to initiate, they comply with the set consequence.

    *They are in intimacy anorexia telephone or local groups.

    *They are working through the “Intimacy Anorexia: The Workbook” (Discovery Press, 2010) and “Intimacy Anorexia: The Steps” (Discovery Press, 2010)

    *They seek help when they get stuck.

    Women and men exhibiting these characteristics make progress such that for the spouse, staying becomes a more attractive option than it was previously. People who, on the other hand, don’t exhibit these characteristics are not truly in recovery and are only going to inflict more pain on their spouses.

    So, now that you have a picture of what a person staying for looks like, the question becomes this: To stay or not to stay? The most important thing as you consider staying or not staying is that you are really 100% honest as to why you are choosing to stay. If you are staying for financial reasons, lifestyle, or image then be honest and don’t spiritualize or romanticize your true reason. Such romanticizing can only create further dysfunction.

    The rest of this chapter is going to be quite a journey. The decision or stay or not stay with the intimacy anorexic spouse and the process that follows is often complex. You will be so tempted to project your own values, your own ability to love and care, onto your spouse. You’ll fight your own denial and grief at the prospect of more years of not being loved.

    Staying Option 1

    You can stay in the marriage and just accept that this is as good as it gets. Your spouse is probably not going to change or show you any more love than now. His or her anorexia could even worsen progressively making the amount of love you are receiving today from your spouse the most you will ever receive from him or her. However, if you choose this option you must fully accept your spouse the way he or she is right now. You must accept that change may not ever happen. If you don’t accept these difficult truths, you will drive the both of you crazy by viewing each new self-help or marriage conference as your savior. You will drive the both of you crazy by constant expectations, constantly dis- appointed.

    When you choose to stay you must accept two other things. First, you must acknowledge and then accept full responsi- bility for the real reason you stay with your anorexic spouse, whether it be fear of being alone, fear of loss of financial sta- tus, maintenance of family image, etc. Secondly, you must grieve your present losses, fully aware that these losses are permanent, fully aware that you have chosen them. Only when you grieve the years or decades of loss can you adapt in your future and build a new life.

    Staying with a spouse who is not going to change and might likely even worsen is a real option, a valid option. If this is your choice, stop focusing any energy on changing your spouse and put your energy into adapting your lifestyle and mindset so that you can feasibly live with an intimacy an- orexic spouse.

    Option 2

    Staying and fighting for your marriage is also an option. If you choose this option it is absolutely imperative that you get support for yourself.

    Now to be honest, the fact that you’re willing to fight for your marriage doesn’t mean your spouse is. He or she can still choose anorexia over you. Fighting doesn’t guarantee victory for your marriage for victory depends on the both of you.

    In fighting you can apply some of the techniques in the Married and Alone Workbook such as the block/punch when the anorexic criticizes, blames, or uses silence or anger. This technique requires that you admit that you feel distant as a result of your spouses’ behavior or words. They share with your spouse what he or she can do to nurture you so that you move away from distance.

    Another technique you can use is mirroring your spouse’s lack of touch or praise. In some cases this technique isan ef- fective way to show a spouse the pain and damage wrought by his or her behavior.

    Getting professional help can help if both are willing to fight for their marriage. Staying and fighting can be tough but I have seen so many marriages saved through this option.

    Option 3

    This option is to be used only when other options have failed. It involves the use of distance to create pain for the intimacy anorexic spouse based on the principle that ad- dicts often view pain as a motivator for change.

    You must realize that not all anorexics value their spouses or their marriages and so some will relish the distance that is a function of this practice. Some will latch on to it and remain there, distant from you, and completely content. For this reason, I just want to warn you: this option doesn’t guarantee results because deep down some anorexics do not want to be married at all, thus preferring distance.

    Your separating from your spouse can start as simply as sleeping in different roomsin the same house and can prog- ress to a more definite separation. During the time of sepa- ration, you and your spouse will both work toward individu- alized goals. You will both be accountable to a therapist or recovery couple for your progress toward goals. Reconciliation between spouses can start to occur when these goals are met.

    Option 4

    I was told by a speaker in a seminar that in an ancient society if you murdered someone, even if it is by accident, the dead carcass of your victim would be tied to you. As the dead body decayed, it would begin to eat your body and eventually you would die a horrible death as your sentence.

    This is how many spouses feel after fighting for decades for their marriage to someone who doesn’t care about the same marriage. They have chosen the cancer of intimacy anorexia by staying with those spouses and are thus slowly and horribly decaying alongside.

    If you find yourself at this point, let me share with you a few tips. Some intimacy anorexics are married to the image of marriage (since it makes them appear normal or good), not to you. This type of intimacy anorexic male or female gets really ugly in the divorce process.

    So, don’t threaten divorce again and again, but you should become informed legally. Know your assets and custody issues. By becoming informed, you can become empowered to make a better decision.

    Intimacy anorexics will not file for divorce because divorce would make them look bad. In truth, they could have emo- tionally divorced you years ago.

    I have seen one of the spouses divorce the other because of the anorexic’s stubborn refusal to love his or her spouse. The unloved spouse divorces and moves on leading to a much happier life.

    Regardless, of what option you choose, you deserve solid information and solid support. You are absolutely worth being loved, even through this process.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow, Jangled. That was a lot to get through. Intimacy Anorexia has never been brought up in relation to BE, so I had to read through everything you copied here, then I looked it up and did the test. He doesn’t seem to fall into most of the boxes.

      Although he keeps himself very busy (workaholic), I think that has more to do with the dysfunctional example his father set for him, and that he feels if he fails at business, he is a complete failure, not so that he doesn’t have to be with me. As a matter of fact, he begs me to work from the office, and attend every meeting. He wants to go out to lunch with me even though we work together. It has always been this way.

      He doesn’t blame me for anything. We honestly didn’t have a lot of marital issues that didn’t revolve around the abuse of his parents on both of us and our relationship, and he certainly didn’t blame me for that. He has never blamed me for his secret life although he did rationalize a lot of the behavior in order to keep doing it and sometimes he wants to lash out at the nearest person to blame for things he struggles with, but that is not exclusive to me. He does that with everyone.

      He doesn’t and hasn’t ever withheld love, as a matter of fact, he is much more demonstrative, actually what I might call needy when it comes to intimacy. He did of course give in to his addiction and in my opinion chose the other woman (as she represented his drug and I represented reality) on numerous occasions. But when we were together he was never distant emotionally.

      He doesn’t withhold praise.

      He definitely doesn’t withhold sex and he doesn’t withhold intimacy during sex. He is the more intimate of the two of us, actually. I think the neglect in his childhood has left him with an unlimited desire for touch, and validation in an intimate way, not just sexual.

      Blue Eyes is not religious, and he doesn’t withhold spirituality. He is constantly trying to get me into his mindfulness practice with him.

      As far as unable to share feelings, I think within his addiction he was definitely holding back his feelings because he felt they weren’t valid, important, whatever. And he was medicating, so he felt he didn’t need to share. Since recovery, anger has definitely reared its head more often, which I like because now I know he actually is sharing his feelings. I just don’t want it directed at me, and I want him to get to the root, which is difficult for him.

      He doesn’t criticize me and he doesn’t use anger or silence to control me. I say good luck to anyone who tries to control me. 🙂

      He doesn’t manipulate with money and I don’t have that roommate feeling that is the last box.

      Thank you, jangled for sharing this. I read on others’ blogs about intimacy anorexia and now I definitely understand it better. Blue Eyes is very selfish, childlike in that. I do believe it comes from the lack of proper nurturing in his childhood and he definitely medicated with sexual activity and fed his brain and became dependent on the hits. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but I almost feel like he is the opposite of intimacy anorexic. He begs for intimacy. He longs for hugs, and cuddles and talks now. I think all he ever really needed was someone to really listen to him when he was young. He needed someone to believe in him and tell him that they believed in him. By the time I came along, it was too late… he was an addict. xo

      Liked by 3 people

      • Kat, I am so glad B.E doesn’t fall into this category!! It is agony to live with. The ‘codependent dance’ dynamic is agony to live! Even though I’m a recovering codependent, I am very strong willed and rebellious so our relationship has been fraught with epic battles. 💜

        Liked by 1 person

        • Better epic battles than apathy, Jangled! You go, feisty girl!!! I’m so sorry you have to deal with his intimacy disorder on top of everything. Feeling that kind of love from our partner is critical. We need kindness, and romance and intimacy to thrive. If not, then we would choose to be alone, right? We’re all recovering from something. A big part of the process is acknowledging it and working to do better. Big, strong hugs to you! 🤗🤗❤️

          Liked by 1 person

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