I’ve been a little down lately. Not sure if it is the change of seasons, change of clocks, change of scenery, or what. Pretty sure it’s not change of seasons as Autumn is my favorite and our weather here in the Pacific Northwest has been glorious. Probably not change of clocks. I’m already over the red-eye jet lag from last week, and the one hour time change this past weekend, which just makes everything darker, but that’s okay. It goes with the season. And, I certainly cannot complain about the change of scenery. Although we don’t live in Hawaii, we do live in a beautiful place.
On Sunday afternoon I was feeling pretty blah, so Blue Eyes and I took a leisurely scenic drive (with ice cream!) and of course ran up against dusk earlier than expected. The view from the spot above on the old highway was so tranquil and gorgeous. I need these little moments of peace in my day.
Blue Eyes also now has a completed space of his own in our back garden. Lucky guy!
I think it’s time for me to run off to my beach house. I’m longing for some alone time and a space to get physically and mentally healthier. Long walks, healthy meals for one, and plenty of time to write are on the agenda.
Today at lunch Blue Eyes and I had yet another heart to heart. Oddly enough, his therapist was sitting in the booth next to us, but we didn’t know that at the time. Anyway, his phone usage has been triggering for me. It seems most of the day, when he’s not at work, his head is buried in his mobile phone and it is keeping me off balance. It’s just one of those lingering visuals that screams… “I cheated, I lied, I talked with other women on my phone, I texted, and sexted, and emailed and betrayed you… using my phone.” So now when I see him late at night staring at his phone, or frantically typing on his phone, or taking his phone into the bathroom (ick), it gives me that awful pit in my stomach feeling. I actually don’t really care what he is doing on the phone, even if he is ordering me flowers, or texting our son, or looking at tomorrow’s weather, it doesn’t matter. It all feels the same. Some days I have even sat there and watched him and wondered what I would do if he is acting out again. Unfortunately the phone sends me to that place. Not to my closet, or to self harm, or even to tears, anymore. It sends me to an empty place. He’s not keeping his own boundaries, and I’m tired of policing him. I actually haven’t ever policed him. I used to let him know what bothered me, when it seemed to matter to him. His boundaries were set up by him, for him. For him to be a healthier person. For me, though, it’s how I gauge whether I think he is healthy, or not. Right now, he’s not.
I have been reading a book on my phone for a couple months, The Goldfinch, which I think is about 750 pages long, so on my phone it’s about 4500 pages long, lol. It was easier to load the book on my phone while we are traveling so much, than to lug it around with me. I think Blue Eyes uses my phone reading as an excuse for him to abuse his phone usage. The thing is, I never betrayed him using my phone, or anything for that matter. I never betrayed him at all. I’m reading a book. His distracted and unresponsive behavior while on his mobile gives me this edgy feeling. It makes me want to leave so I don’t have to watch it.
While at lunch today Blue Eyes talked about how he was been texting our neighbor who is dying of cancer. He doesn’t have long now. The neighbor is going to visit his mother, to say good-bye. It’s very sad. Blue Eyes’ personal assistant broke up with his girlfriend. She was making life miserable for him. He said the two-year relationship had run its course. This morning he cried in Blue Eyes’ arms. He found out the girlfriend had been cheating on him with her old boyfriend, for a while. She didn’t have the guts to break up with the PA, so she just behaved badly until he couldn’t take it anymore. He blames himself. He’s depressed. There is something wrong with him that she chose the other guy over him. Boy do I know that feeling. I feel for the kid, I really do. It sucks to be cheated on. I also hear a lot about Blue Eyes’ SA guys, and his Buddhist buddies, both men and women. I hear about clients. I’m so glad he is there for these people, but I know it is easier for him to be there for them, than to be there for me. I look at it all as a deflection from the mess he created in his own home. The funny thing is, I’m not traumatized anymore. I mean not in a totally disruptive way. I’m mostly totally functional, which I’m not sure I thought could ever happen. But I’ve done a good job of taking care of myself. Unfortunately as far as our marriage, or partnership goes, I am a reflection of him and his behavior. This is a lesson he can’t or doesn’t want to learn. He still thinks I am the enemy, to be avoided. I, apparently, carry around this tally sheet of all his bad behavior, and he should avoid it, and me. But what I really am, is a vulnerable human being who has been abused by her life partner and who wants to be treated with kindness, and respect, and love.
People used to comment a lot on this blog that I needed to focus more on myself and they were right. They felt like I spent my entire time obsessed with my husband, his behavior, his sickness. But on that, they were wrong. The thing is, and I’ve said this before, when I am by myself, I’m good. I love myself. I love being by myself. I have tested this theory many times by going away for months. Last year I even thought about buying a house in North Carolina! If I were to have zero expectations of my husband, of his behavior, of him as a partner, things would be fine. But who wants to be in a marriage with someone who isn’t doing his share of the marital load… and I’m not talking about paying the bills, or taking out the garbage, or walking the dogs. I’m talking about the actual caring, the emotional load. The hard stuff.
I know sex addicts have a long and arduous path to a place where they not only understand who and what they are and how they got that way, but also how their behavior has changed the lives of the people they supposedly “love.” Shame is a bitch and a half. I get it. But we (the partners, the family, the kids, whomever) aren’t theoretical, we’re real. We can’t be mistreated and expected to stay. That’s abuse. Simply, there are consequences for actions.
So, I’m thinking I need a break. What do you think?