9 years ago

I received a lovely message from a new commenter “Centered” on my last post and she reminded me that I did not post this year on or around the anniversary of discovery day of my husband’s secret life. And you know what? I legitimately forgot the significance of that day, completely. And although this post is not actually about that, thank you! Thank you, Centered for reminding me not of that day, but that that day means nothing to me anymore.

What this post is really about, is a continuation of the drama with Blue Eyes’ family of origin. On Christmas I posted about Blue Eyes’ Toxic parents and gave a bit of an ultimatum. I don’t want to have to do this, but it is really self preservation. I don’t care what these people do to me, or think of me (no contact for 10 years now for me), but I do care if they are cruel to my people. I’m just that way. I know I am nobody’s savior, but I cannot sit around and watch people be emotionally (and physically) affected by the cruelty of others. Blue Eyes did not contact his parents after that day, however, his father did email him. At first Blue Eyes was going to delete it, but he read it. And then he showed it to me. It was a benign message saying they hadn’t heard from him and were assuming he was traveling. Blue Eyes and I talked about whether or not he should respond. I want to be part of this journey with him. I don’t want him keeping secrets and hiding behind shame. I know he wanted to respond as there was nothing negative in the email. We both hoped that Blue Eyes responding in a kind and sensitive manner would bring about a civil dialogue with his father. His father is the one he has wanted to be connected with. So Blue Eyes wrote a long email to his father sharing a bit about our travel and what work has been like, all positive. He also let his father know that he loves them both, however, the words in his mother’s last email hurt him and he is trying to remain in a positive place. Everything Blue Eyes said was kind and true. There was nothing derogatory. He didn’t say: Mom’s words were mean… he said they hurt him. They hurt his feelings and the feelings of our son. It was one sentence in a rather long email and then he said he would love to get together with his dad over tea and meditation.

On the 9 year anniversary of Blue Eyes’ father sending that scathing email while we were in Hawaii, telling him they were so disappointed in him that they would take his name away from him if they could, his father sent back an awful email in response to Blue Eyes. It was so awful that we were at first taken aback, and then we kind of awkwardly laughed, because this is just one of life’s cruel jokes. I think we viewed it as awful as we both had our hopes up that he would respond kindly. Dumb dumb us. The email basically said, how dare you say disparaging things about your mother. You are cruel. No tea or meditation for you. It was very short. Unreasonably mean in tone. *sigh* Unfortunately, there is no relationship to be had there. I am truly sad for Blue Eyes. I don’t think there is much in this world more cruel than abusive parents on innocent children. Blue Eyes isn’t a child anymore, obviously, but he is trying so desperately to heal from the wounds of his youth. Unfortunately, having a relationship with unrepentant perpetrators isn’t really an option. I think Blue Eyes sees the light now. I doubt he will go cold turkey no contact, his father is a relatively healthy 88, and his mother’s health is failing at 83, so he won’t just shut them out. He won’t block emails, they rarely ever call anymore. But I don’t think he’ll share his life with them anymore. It makes him a target of their hate and bitterness. He is vulnerable and I know he always will be. I think it is time for Blue Eyes to revisit therapy. If he cannot find something here in Portland, I think LA is the answer. We know where to find amazing help down there. As much as I feel like I can manage without a lot of outside guidance (I have the tools now), I don’t think Blue Eyes can. He does have friends that understand, but I believe he needs to work on building up a stronger defense and a tougher skin. It’s just not easy for him.

That’s where we are today. We’ve had some really sad (and interesting) things happen over the past couple days… I’ll save those for my next post. Last month I got to see The Princess, my 8 year old niece, in Tokyo. She’s such a devilish little blessing for our family. When I need a smile, I think of her.

The Princess last month.

6 thoughts on “9 years ago

  1. It’s interesting reading this. Khalil Gilbran talks of this ‘our children are not our children.’ If
    we could all understand that we are all just people, with labels tied in with expectations or false belief, we would all be free. Free from others expectations, their words would no longer wound, and sometimes we would ultimately no longer feel guilt for keeping our distance. It took me a long while to realise this, I hope BE finds his peace. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Me too, Rosie. I hope he finds peace. Unfortunately when sick people raise children in an abusive environment, depending on the child/person, they can create someone totally dependent on the abuse, knowing no other form of attention. A different child may have had better natural coping skills, but BE didn’t. The world he created to cope was likewise abusive and flawed and he carried that coping with him for 50 years. It’s all very disturbing, but I’m not sure he actually has the ability to turn off his need for their approval. I’m really going to encourage more therapy. I think there are methods that can help. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a wonderful example of the open communication you two have developed. Supportive of each other. I know things are challenging forever after betrayal. Sex addiction adds another VERY thick layer. But you are trying hard to be a united team. I love that. I love that you can see the toxicity and are there as strength for BG in these situations. I hope he can learn to reciprocate more and more.

    The Princess. How fabulous is that pic in traditional dress?! What a wee 💎 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Isn’t she just the cutest! Funny little thing. She’s gaining more confidence with her English. She can understand but still gathering the nerve to speak to is in English. She laughs at our Japanese.

      We’re in a decent place right now. He’s trying, I can give him that! xo

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Sometimes we keep on seeking for love and acceptance in places we’re never going to find them (although looking for those from your parents is actually a natural thing to do.) Of course, we don’t find that love and acceptance there. It was never going to happen. So, we just end feeling there is something wrong with us, and that messes us up. The truth is: there is nothing wrong with us; we’re just looking to the wrong people for love and affirmation, and we keep on getting a faulty message back.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Agreed DLH. It’s sad and unfair and unfortunately part of BE’s stuff that he has to deal with. It’s especially difficult when adults normalize really awful parenting and the kids lack the skill set to see their own worth, and pain. Not learning how to properly cope breeds addiction. Sad.

      Liked by 2 people

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