Even though the years have come and gone, and I have healed from the betrayal trauma, I remember. I remember every single day, and every tear shed, and every shooting pain to my heart. I remember every feeling.
I still don’t feel like there was anyone in my “real life” that got me, that truly understood the pain. I’m forever thankful for this space.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I feel you, loud and clear. Yesterday at work we were all supposed to bring a coin to a meeting. In that meeting we were all asked to look at the year on the coin and say a positive thing that happened in that year. Well, my coin was a peso dated 2017 – my first D-Day was new years eve 2016. I quickly searched for a new coin because the only positive thing that happened in my life in 2017 was that I found strength and a voice for boundaries in my relationship with Mr. Perfect – obviously nothing I wanted to say at a work meeting, but looking at that year brought back ALL THE ICKY, PAINFUL AND ANGERING THINGS like it was yesterday. We hear you ❤
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We heal, but it never goes away. xo
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I can’t get logged into WordPress but guess I don’t care if my name shows. I’m about 2 months behind you on this whole journey (hah!). Am thankful for all of your posts so I know I’m not alone. I stayed, can’t say I’ve healed. Still no one in my real life I can reveal this to. Probably never will. As horses said is a silent burden. I don’t threaten but still often think of divorce. We basically have a nice long term friendship relationship? I guess. I find soft porn on his ipad and – annually blow up about that – and he says he’ll seek help, never actually follows through. I could chase him on that but truly cannot be bothered. If you know if hurts me then handle it and why should I lift a finger to force you. Actually wouldn’t wish this discovery on my worst enemy yet here I am.
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Howdy dontsay. Ah well, we all make compromises in this most shitty of circumstances. After 40 years together, for me, I’d say we have more than friendship but less than I thought we had, and far less than I deserve. Blue Eyes has maintained his sobriety which means no porn or masturbation, which for him is critical to no escalation. He chose this for himself and I understand why, but for me, the sexual activity just isn’t the biggest deal breaker. His lying and hiding and not being able to be his true self is the real issue. He tries, but I know deep in my heart that he shares more with his SA guys than with me. After all “they” really get him. I’m good with where I’m at and enjoy my life but my happiness no longer hinges on what my husband does. It just can’t. I’ve made my peace. xo
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Yes. This.
And I wish every betrayer could read your words. To remind them sometimes of how their choices make the person who has loved them forever feel.
Not to punish.
Just to remind them that their actions (including future ones) affect those who love, trust and rely on them.
Well said, Kat. And I agree. It’s a silent burden. Made lighter by being able to share in this space.
Forever very, very grateful for your friendship xxx
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❤️❤️❤️
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