Some people, a lot of people actually, will never really get what it feels like to be betrayed by the person they love most. And truthfully, I am glad they never will have to feel that gut wrenching pain. It does not feel good, in any way. It is devastating. It changes us forever. So that … Continue reading Some people will never get it
cheating husband
Why now
This was the question I asked repeatedly of my husband and every therapist we encountered for the first year of recovery. Why, after all these years and all his destructive behavior, can he change now when he never was able to before. He says he wanted to. He says he hated himself. He says he hated … Continue reading Why now
“I never wanted you to find out the truth…”
As I continued struggling with feeling unsettled after Blue Eyes' ninth step, I decided I wanted him to do one more thing for me before he moved forward. As part of his amends step, and his reparation to me, I want him to write a letter to the other woman. The last other woman, the … Continue reading “I never wanted you to find out the truth…”
“It will never happen again”
These are the words that send me to that place. That place where my insides feel like a big festering ulcer, where my head starts to ache and I feel an uneasy clamminess, like I need to purge. "It will never happen again." I was having a great day yesterday. I planned a romantic little … Continue reading “It will never happen again”
The ninth step
I am neither scholarly, nor a particular fan, but I am finding Dante's Inferno keeps coming to mind when I think about Blue Eyes' ninth step, which he presented to me in Ms. Honey's office, last Thursday. He was thirty five years old when he began his journey through hell, Dante that is. Mid way through … Continue reading The ninth step
And then, the rain
We just experienced back to back to back days of sunshine and warmth. Spring in the Pacific Northwest is predictably unpredictable. During the sunny dry days, we walked, we soaked it in, we had a picnic, we ate outside, we visited our beach property. Blue Eyes begged me every day to go for rides in his … Continue reading And then, the rain
Sunshine
I found myself in a puddle of tears this morning, and so here I am. I could call a friend, but what would they really be able to do other than listen and try and talk me through the sadness. The sadness just is sometimes. Every day I wake up and hope things will be just a little better … Continue reading Sunshine
Insight and healing
I really thought this husband's words regarding the affect his cheating has had on his family, was worth a reblog.
On being an addict
Below is an old blog post Blue Eyes wrote while he was working on his fourth step. I thought I had read everything on his blog, but somehow I missed this. Honestly, I think this post speaks so very clearly to his struggle with being an addict. It was extremely difficult for me to read because as he said the same things over and over, the same concepts, the same fears, I could literally feel his emotions rising up in my own chest. I could feel the tenseness and anxiety. I could feel the fear. In my opinion he has made great strides since he wrote this post. I can see the progress. As two flawed people, we continue to work this path together.
Incoherent Thoughts on Fear
My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to journal about Fear and specifically as it relates to Women, my mother, the last acting out partner, and my soulmate. Of course I have been in fear about writing this and naturally put it off until I could not take it anymore…
Women in General – because of the relationship with my mom I definitely was uncomfortable and feared woman. I did not know how to have a normal relationship with a woman. I was always latching on, moving to quickly, sexually tilted craving relationships, I would scare woman away. I think I did this because I did not feel worthy and was trying to put a bandage on this huge wound of abandonment. I can remember rejecting girls and later women that had interest in me because I just was afraid and scared…
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Lost identity
In the shower this morning I realized I am having an identity crisis. I have written so much here on my blog. I have spilled out who I am, what has happened to me both before and after I found out about my husband's secret life, how I feel about addiction, how I feel about … Continue reading Lost identity
try not to cry on my rainbow 